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Opinions if I put my child up for adoption?

(29 Posts)
Oliviaemerson Sat 19-Dec-15 20:36:12

I'm going to post a question in the adoption part of this website also regarding more information on the actual process. This is just to know some opinions on if this is the right thing to do or abortion/keeping it may be a kinder option.

I'm 19 and 11 weeks pregnant. I only found out 2 weeks ago as I was taking the contraceptive pill. I already have one child (a 1 year old son) I was with my sons father since I was 15 but we broke up after I found out I was pregnant when I was 18. We broke up because he was moving to the other side of the country for work and he wanted me to move with him and attend a uni in his new area, all was good and I intended too but when I found out I was pregnant those plans where ruined as I needed to stay close to family as I knew I couldn't do it alone. He wanted me to abort so we could continue our plans but I couldn't and I kept our baby. He has seen the baby three times since he has been born, he is not interested at all and my little one thinks of my dad as his dad more than his real dad.

I've been seeing some one new for about 5 months and I've found myself pregnant again after contraceptive failure. We are not in a relationship and it hasn't become serious enough to meet the family my son etc we where just Seeing how it went but this has probably ended that now. I told him and he told me to abort and he would be there for me if I did. He said if I kept the child he wouldn't know how he would feel and it would probably be the end of it.

I had a scan the other day due to bleeding and I thought I may have miscarried but I haven't. They gave me a scan photo of a developed little baby and since then I cried and cried and "promised" my baby I would try to sort things out for it.

I'm a uni student and a single mother already, I also suffer from bipolar disorder which is hard enough with out juggling the demands of parent hood and uni. Most days I feel like giving up on uni but I have such good parents that they encourage me and help out with childcare as best they can.

I feel I want to give this baby up for adoption. I feel it's the best option for me, my son I already have and our future and also this babies future as I'm in no place to cope with another little one.

What's your opinions on this? Would it be the right thing to do? I don't know how many people want to adopt but I'm hoping the baby would be a blessing to someone and in return it would get a better life than I could give it.

passmethewineplease Sat 19-Dec-15 20:42:46

It doesn't matter what anybody thinks of this OP, this is completely your decision. I think it's an admirable one.

Have you good support around you?

Heyitsholly Sat 19-Dec-15 20:44:15

Our opinions are irrelevant. You have to do whats best for you.
You can only hope for the best with adoption. You dont know who or how they will treat it. And you dont know how you wil feel when its born.
On the other hand youve already managed to bring up a child. You know what to do, im sure your child will love a brother or sister. Children are precious.

SpendSpendSpend Sat 19-Dec-15 20:45:52

I dont know what the answer is.

If i was in this situation i would abort i think.

My reasons for this would be...

Everyone would know you had given your baby away.

You would have to go through pregnancy and birth and not receive the reward at the end of it.

The child if adopted they may suffer phycological problems as an adult about being unwanted etc. ( i know 2 people who this happened to)

I would be worried about the child coming to find me as an adult and blame me.

Also at 19 you have had 2 contraception failures in such a short space of time, i would look at this and ensure i was taking the contraception properly.

Lweji Sat 19-Dec-15 20:47:38

If it's the option you prefer, then go ahead.
I'm sure there are plenty of good families waiting to love a baby. Your baby will be fine.

ifigoup Sat 19-Dec-15 20:49:16

I totally understand why you wouldn't feel able to terminate at 11 weeks. If you did continue the pregnancy and raise the baby yourself, what support would you have? I don't think giving up the baby for adoption would be the "wrong" thing to do - I think it's extremely unselfish and would clearly be motivated by your wanting to do your best by your son and by the new baby. But I do think that if you continue the pregnancy you might find it harder than you expect to give up the baby later.

How much do you know about the different kinds of adoption there are? In a classic "closed" adoption you wouldn't have any ongoing contact with the baby, though it would be up to them if they chose to contact you as an adult. In an "open" adoption, which is becoming more common, there would be some limited contact between you and the adoptive family - so you might receive pictures a couple of times a year and could see how the child was doing. I don't think one of these is "better" than the other; you'll know yourself whether you would find it easier not to have any contact at all.

For what it's worth, you sound incredibly strong and clear-headed. Nobody can tell you what you should do. Giving up a baby for adoption is a heartbreaking decision requiring incredible courage and resolve. Bringing up two young children as a single parent also requires incredible courage and resolve.

There are more children waiting to be adopted than there are suitable adoptive parents available, unfortunately. However, a young baby with no health complications is exactly the category of child likely to be placed very quickly.

Threeunderthree33 Sat 19-Dec-15 20:55:42

You weren't sure about how many families want to adopt. Lots do. I know a couple of wonderful families that have adopted. As you suggest they feel enormously blessed to have these children.

Sounds like a tough situation you are in. All the best.

FestiveBalls Sat 19-Dec-15 20:57:52

At this point it might be best to speak to a GP or midwife, they will be able to support you and also point you in the direction of other support, regardless of the decision you make about whether to keep your baby.

If you did decide to give the baby up for adoption you would have to wait 6 weeks before you could sign paperwork to 'relinquish' which would give you time to spend with them and see how you feel then. Social workers would also probably want to explore whether you have any family who could take care of baby. Adoption is very much a last resort. Perhaps contact the LA adoption team. They will be able to support you also and talk through the options.

You face an incredibly difficult decision whichever way you go so you need to build up your support network. Do you have anyone close in friends/family you can speak to?

Oliviaemerson Sat 19-Dec-15 21:16:36

Thank you for all your comments. If I was earlier say 4-5 weeks I would probably consider abortion. However, being 11 weeks I feel reluctant as I know the overwhelming feeling I had at my 12 week scan with my son. With my son I wasn't using contraception. As soon as I had him I went on the pill as I wasn't looking to have another but obviously it didn't work as I didn't miss any and never would intentionally as this was not in my plans.

I hate that the system is like this sad in America it seems so much easier and not treated as a final option, more of a choice.

I live on my own with my son but my mum has him majority of weekdays whilst I'm at uni and the occasional night if I need a break. I haven't told her of the pregnancy yet as I get the sense she will be shocked and disappointed (as she already was the first time but came to terms with it) I'm actually moving back in with her in February as I want to save money so I can afford to buy and not rent when I finish uni and get a job.

I'm pretty sure if my mother was offered this Baby she would say yes regardless of how I felt. So I'm hoping they will listen to my opinions.

FestiveBalls Sat 19-Dec-15 21:21:26

They will listen to what you want Olivia. However they will been keen to keep the baby within birth family if possible as this will be best for the baby in the long run. But, as I say, it would be best to contact the LA as they will be able to talk you through everything in great detail. If you really feel unable to have the baby raised by your mother then they would have to respect that but it may just make the process a bit longer to sort out.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 19-Dec-15 22:03:23

system is like this sad in America it seems so much easier and not treated as a final option, more of a choice

The American system isn't child focuses or based on research evidence about what produces the best outcomes for adopted children. It might be easier for birth mothers but that's not the point really.

If your mother wants to adopt the baby and is willing to sacrifice a relationship with you to do it then they will robustly pursue and promote that option. She will get a session of free legal advice and will be supported to be assessed and apply for a legal order by her own supporting social worker.

You will probably not get to insist on stranger adoption over family adoption. Sorry.

I'm with others here - you risk causing some extreme damage to your life, your mental health, your child and your family if you continue the pregnancy. At 11 weeks it's still a relatively easy procedure.

AtSea1979 Sat 19-Dec-15 22:10:03

I would abort, for the reasons others have said.

magpie17 Sat 19-Dec-15 22:26:12

Such a tough choice. In your circumstances I would abort because I personally could not carry a baby to term and give it up, I just know I couldn't do it. That's me though and this is your choice. Adoption is not something to take lightly though and in many cases there are long lasting repercussions for the child - I know two adoptees who have struggled with their situation through adulthood, despite the fact that they were adopted into loving families and cherished as much as any bio child.

Please consider talking to your mum about this, she sounds supportive and may be able to offer practical solutions to enable you to picture keeping the baby if abortion is not an option. Equally, consider talking to the father again, a friend of mine (male) is about to become a father with a girl he was seeing very casually. The pregnancy was a shock and they are still not 'together' but they are trying hard to make things work for the child. Your guy might feel differently once he has had time to think on it - do you think you would consider keeping the baby yourself if he was more supportive?

Ultimately it's your choice, but it might be worth talking to the midwife and local authority about adoption to get the facts. Ultimately it's seen as a last resort because it's usually in the best interests of the child to stay with a parent or family member, this is something to think about - adoption doesn't just affect you, it affects the child forever. Abortion is a difficult choice too. It's a really tough place to be and you have my sympathy,

Bells2307 Sun 20-Dec-15 07:56:08

This is a decision only you can make. Personally I wouldn't abort, I'd have the baby adopted. Anyone who judges you for that is an idiot!, I have two sets of friends who have adopted children and they are so grateful for the opportunity. I'm currently half way through my first pregnancy and we have already considered adopting a child if we decide to have a second, again I see it as a privilege to be allowed to bring up children. I certainly don't judge the women who give their children up, they have made the hardest decision which they've done with the best intentions for their child, surely that's what all parents are trying to do? You seem very sensible and realistic, try to speak to a professional and make the right decision for you, good luck X

Bells2307 Sun 20-Dec-15 07:59:16

Also, the adopted children I know, all know they are adopted and currently none have had any issues, mentally or otherwise, they range from 3-12 years old at the mo. X

winterswan Sun 20-Dec-15 08:01:30

I certainly don't judge the women who give their children up

That's largely because there are very few of them. Relinquishing a child voluntarily is very rare, and be warned you will almost certainly be pressured not to.

If you do want to (and I feel it's certainly an option worth considering) be absolutely sure you do, if you see what I mean.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 20-Dec-15 08:15:51

I think adoption might be extremely hard for everyone involved, particularly you. Your Mother would surely be devastated, the bio Father or bio Father's family will be offered the chance to have the child and that would be impossibly hard I'm sure if he or she were being raised by family but without your input at all.

If you are absolutely sure you can't keep the baby I would abort. I would first talk to my mum though, it sounds like you are close. I wonder if she had a positive slant on it, whether you might feel that having two children is possible after all. From your post I think you are feeling as though those you love will be disappointed and maybe angry, so it would be almost easier to go to them with a fait accompli. Your mum
adores you and adores her grandchild and whilst I'm not disputing she will be shocked and possibly even disappointed, I'm sure she would rather know and help you talk things over than you trying toake such a massive decision yourself.

Footle Sun 20-Dec-15 08:56:38

Whoknew has said exactly what I was going to say. Talk to your mum , as soon as you can, before you decide anything.

toohardtothinkofaname Sun 20-Dec-15 09:04:33

If your mum adopted the new baby, how do you think this would pan out in future years when it's old enough to know you kept & raised his sibling but didn't want to/couldn't with it? Just asking because we have this situation in my family & my niece hasn't coped well with it at all & it's distressing to see (she was first born & adopted by my mum, sister kept subsequent kids)

FreeWorker1 Sun 20-Dec-15 09:11:59

Olivia - my grandmother became pregnant with my mother in similar circumstances. She gave my mother to an orphanage but two years later she married the man I knew as 'Grandad' and he formally adopted my mother.

Roll forward two generation and my sister had a child in similar circumstances after a relationship had broken up and she put her daughter up for adoption as a baby. She could not go through with it and took her back 6 months later and brought her and her older brother up as a lone parent.

Neither my grandmother or sister had any support at all in making the decision and in both cases I can see what an enormous and painful decision that was. They both regretted their decision and both took their children back but in both cases the outcomes have been difficult relationships between mother and daughter afterwards right into adult years.

I would not presume to tell you what to do but do not underestimate how hard that decision will be once the baby is born and do not underestimate the loss you will feel and the yearning of the child to find you in future years.

Talk to your Mum and bear in mind that you do not know what life will bring. You may well find a man to have a lifelong relationship with and together you may have a child and bring your children together as a family. This is a very difficult time for you now but not one that will last forever.

Branleuse Sun 20-Dec-15 09:26:40

I would abort. Youre only 11 weeks.

Adoption is likely going to be far more of a headfuck to both you, your son and the rest of your family than a termination will at this stage

Withgraceinmyheart Sun 20-Dec-15 09:42:33

Only you can make this choice, there is no easy option.

It seems from your posts that you want to put the baby up for adoption rather than abort, but are worried about what others will think. There will always be someone to judge you and tell you youre doing the wrong thing, you have to do what you think is best.

FWIW I think continuing with a pregnancy and choosing to give your baby a chance at life with an adoptive family is an amazing sacrifice of love. A hard path, but ultimately worth it in my opinion.

Take care of yourself op.

miamiaMo Sun 20-Dec-15 12:24:22

Two families who have stayed our friends for couple of years, adopted their children. Kids have love, care, friends, pets and everything they need. You cannot imagine the happiness of the parents, who adopted children several years ago. Polish law strictly regulates and controls families who have adopted, no way a child will find himself in bad/not proper family.

ScarlettDarling Sun 20-Dec-15 12:30:26

I'm surprised that abortion is being seen as preferable to a woman giving her baby up for adoption.

Neither are easy options and will require lots of soul searching.

But the op has stated that she wants to give her baby a chance. Allowing a family who long for a baby to adopt her little one IS giving the baby a chance. Aborting the baby most definitely isn't.

Branleuse Sun 20-Dec-15 13:08:02

no, but its giving yourself a chance to actually move on, and its not like there arent already enough humans on the planet. If you dont want a baby, dont have it.

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