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unsupportive DP?

(17 Posts)
moragfin Fri 18-Dec-15 11:23:08

Hey, I'm new to this! But I'm currently 28weeks pregnant with my first baby. I am so excited for him or her! due date is march 18th. I haven't had an easy pregnancy, hyperemisis gravidarum struck me and kept me unable to work or anything...
My partner still doesn't have a job, he has barely any interest in getting one but IS trying I'll give him that.. (Thanks to me always hounding him) I would love to be working but I am still signed off so not allowed!
But more so my DP doesn't help around the house as much as he should.. Or AIBU? An example is the dishes.. I'll ask him to do them after a few days or even weeks of me doing them, and he will say yes! But two day later he will have washed maybe 5 things... Now I know he doesn't share a woman's natural talent at housework but he gets annoyed at me and blames me when I get upset that he hasn't completed this one simple task? I manage to do the laundry, hoovering etc etc and never moan but he can't even complete a days worth of dishes instead he lets it pile up and then when I get upset he becomes stubborn and doesn't do them at all- so I end up with 2 days of dishes to do!
I'm just really worried because when baby is here will it change? I believe in myself for becoming a mother but I'm scared that the stress of new baby as housework etc will get to me and DP won't help sad
Overall I'm just not sure he is ready for any of this... AIBU? I'm so lostconfused

maybebabybee Fri 18-Dec-15 12:21:36

Now I know he doesn't share a woman's natural talent at housework

OP. I'm a woman. I'm dreadful at housework. My DP does literally all the cleaning. An attitude like that is going to enable him to not bother doing things.

Have you had an honest chat with him about this?

princesspineapple Fri 18-Dec-15 12:25:06

"a woman's natural talent at housework"?! This was definitely something I missed out on from mother nature!
I don't think your DP is as much unsupportive as immature and lazy. He's happy for you to work (when you're healthy), and to do all the housework, but he's at home all day and can't do a simple thing like the dishes without a tantrum? It's not acceptable even if you weren't pregnant or poorly, but it's terrible considering that you are!
I'd be worried about him stepping up... You hear stories of men that do, so I've got everything crossed for you, but he needs to be making a lot more effort!

bittapitta Fri 18-Dec-15 12:25:29

You're signed off work sick, he is unemployed, he really should be doing all the housework! Tell him to stop being inconsiderate.

BathtimeFunkster Fri 18-Dec-15 12:27:15

He's a useless, lazy, unemployed layabout.

You are signed off work sick and are still having to skivvy after him.

What a ridiculous situation.

Please don't make your baby grow up watching their asshole father treating the only parent who cares for them like shit.

Mslg Fri 18-Dec-15 12:27:34

Mine is the same, always has been. He does the bare minimum, then expects a medal for doing it. He's generally a messy person, bit of a hoarder, I find receipts, paper, tissue lying everywhere... I'm not OCD about it either but just want a bit more help. Today for example, I asked him to fix the stupid, rickety shoe rack we have which has been falling apart for weeks. Ended up trying to do it myself and ended up in tears out of frustration as the poles kept popping out. Hormones!

Anyway, I'm hoping he will pull the finger out the further I am along as I don't want to be inhaling cleaning product fumes cleaning the bathroom etc 😩 I know exactly how you feel though, it's like banging your head against a brick wall asking them to do anything.

Sunbeam1112 Fri 18-Dec-15 12:28:29

How long have you and DP been together? Is this a new set up living together? Has he lost a job or has he never had one? I ask these questions to get a fuller insight into the situation so i could best give advice. Could he be depressed? My DH didn't cook or clean when he lost his job but i think he was suffering lack of confidence and depression. If your both off theres no reason you can't share the chore you do certain aspects and he does others.

BathtimeFunkster Fri 18-Dec-15 12:39:15

Could he be depressed?


If not he's almost certainly autistic.

No chance he's just a lazy shite, that's so rare.

bittapitta Fri 18-Dec-15 12:51:58

Why do people always trot out the "depression" excuse for these lazy men? I've had depression and I still pulled my weight when cohabiting.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 18-Dec-15 14:59:02

Why did you conceive a baby with this lazy wastrel?

Why did you do all the housework even though he presumably has not been working for a long time?

Why are you having to "hound" him to get a job?

Also, I hope the "women's natural talent at housework" was a joke. It's 2015.

Jibberjabberjooo Fri 18-Dec-15 15:44:34

A woman's natural talent for housework?

Are you joking? hmm

He's just a lazy arse. No it won't change when the baby is here. You'll be doing the housework and looking after a newborn.

mamabear420 Fri 18-Dec-15 18:41:51

To clear it up 'woman's natural talent' was a joke!!! I'm definitely not talented at housework I just know it must be done! Something I wish my DP would too..
Thank you all for your replies and advice. I have questioned completely if he's ready.. I seem to have taken on the task of preparing him as well as me!
He has ADHD but I recognise this and try and help him but he can be so stubborn.. And I know it is no excuse for not helping me, I personally suffer depression and severe anxiety, but I still take it all on! I know I'm an over thinker but I also know I'm being as rational as I can when it comes to him supporting me..
I miss working more than anything, it got me out and about etc and really helped my anxiety with me being around people. Now it's so different I'm terrified to go out but I'm slowly regaining myself! Having HG slowed me down a lot but I'm doing the best I can I think.. I just wish I knew a better way to communicate with my DP without me getting upset! I'm so emotional right now I know it's not completely my fault but I have to try and not get so worked up, it just seem to get him worked up.
We've only been together since February this year and living together since May so it was all very rushed and I do feel silly for not taking my time!
Hence why I'm now spending my spare time to really consider my future, I adore my DP but I know when our baby is here that I will have to do what's best for baby. I'm prepared to, I just hope I can get my DP to become more efficient in housework beforehand..
On the upside I did his CV and he does have interviews now for jobs!! I just hope for the best i think but baby will need total security and support not wisps of hope that his father will be supportive of us both..

Lweji Fri 18-Dec-15 18:49:46

He sounds like the type of man the word cocklodger was invented for. sad

My best guess is he'll sabotage the interviews or be sacked soon after getting any job.

At home you'll end up clearing after him as well as the other baby.

You should be making it very clear that he is to do half of the housework and get a job and keep it or he can start packing.
If you want to give him a chance.

But I bet he'll revert to type as soon as he can. You'll have to keep him in check most of the time.
And drop him as soon as he defaults. Or he'll take it as licence to continue as he was.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 18-Dec-15 18:52:18

Namechange, I'm assuming.

He has ADHD but I recognise this and try and help him

Yes, I have a friend with a DP with ADHD, and he's a lazy bastard as well. Also doesn't work (except for a string of failed businesses). It's a shame you've rushed into this situation, especially with someone who is so clearly unsuitable. Unfortunately I have no good advice for you because I'd be kicking his ass out, but I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.

Good luck.

mamabear420 Fri 18-Dec-15 18:57:21

Yes sorry I decided to change it!

Thank you.
I completely agree with you..
I move to a new place in January and I'm thinking if nothing has changed by then then I will have to put my feelings aside and kick him from my life.
I just hope he can change for the better.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 18-Dec-15 19:50:18

Well done flowers

sepa Sat 19-Dec-15 17:43:59

I'm sorry to say this, but if you have only been together since February you have no way of knowing if he will change after the birth. The first few months is the honeymoon period where everything is all perfect and your still trying to please eachother.
I wish you good luck with the bubs, but I think you will find yourself looking after 2 kids after this baby is born in March!

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