family in labour ward(36 Posts)
I've insulted my mother by saying I only want my partner to be with me in the labour ward. I love my mum but she is just too anxious a person. My mum will just worry and make me worried. I've explained all this to her, but she feels very excluded. Whats worse is that all my friends really want their mother around so I feel extra guilty - is there something wrong with me? Suddenly everyone around me has these great relationships with their mothers. Am I being unfair? She lives a while away from us so is coming to stay for a week or two, hence she'll likely be in the house when I do go into labour.
Not at all it's up to you. I've told my Mum I just want my OH there and if she has taken offence there isn't much I can do!
I'm going to have my mum there aswell as my partner because I think we will both need her level head and laid back attitude when in that situation. However I can totally understand people just wanting their partner there, it's your special moment you should both enjoy it as much as possible and don't let anyone have their say in what the two of you want. Just make her feel very involved once baby is here :-)
Nothing wrong with not wanting your mum/sister/auntie/that lovely woman from the post office at your labour. You need who you want there and that's it, if she can't respect that it's her issues not yours.
I know people who have wanted their mothers there and that's great for them, but its not unusual or selfish to feel you only want your partner there. I think programmes like one born every minuite make us think having every female relative at the birth is the norm. But these are women happy to let the nation see them labour, so not exactly the norm. Just leave the topic and let her be grumpy, don't give it another thought.
My mum stresses me out, I'm just having my husband there.
IME, if your mother is calm & will support you, then go for it. If she is likely to become upset, anxious or angry, please do not.
I distinctly remember caring for a woman whose mother kept crying over her. Totally inappropriate & unsupportive & made it all about her in the end. Awful. I really felt for the woman, she told me after she wished her partner had made her mother leave. It ruined her birth.
I think my DM was relieved I didn't ask her to be there. She did however come and sit with me the night before I went into labour as my blood pressure was high so was in hospital but xp decided he wanted to go out.
This time my parents are on dd looking after and I'm gonna do it on my own. I can't be dealing with this ones dad in the room. DM again is quite happy with that plan. (I personally think she doesn't do blood and gore)
My mum loves a bit of drama & is quite an aggro person so needless to say her offer to be there was met with a 'thank you but, nope'. Your labour is about you & baby and your mum needs to respect that & not make it about her by going into a huff - kinda shows you made the right decision!
I'm not having my mum there I've told everyone all I want is my DP and if I would like anyone else to come in its under my request and they should all respect that.
I don't want my mum there, I'm sure she'd be fine, she was great with my sister but I'd find her suffocating and irritating.
I only had my DH there. My mum clearly felt left out but I felt more comfortable just me and DH and felt it was our special moment IYSWIM. Don't feel guilty, if it's what you want then it's what you want.
Your mum is definitely being unreasonable. When my DD was pregnant it didn't cross my mind to want to be present at the birth - that special moment is for her and get DH.
Just out of interest - was her mother with her through her labour or not?
DH was very ill just before ds1 was born so my dsis and dmum stepped in at the last minute to be labour partners in shifts and to be honest - I hated it. I couldn't relax when they were there at all. My aunt also helped but she was also a consultant at the hospital where ds1 was born so it was different - in the end dh was able to be there along with daunt when he finally popped out and I was so relieved that they were the ones there.
Second time around - dh OK, was able to stick dmum on pick up from nursery duty for ds1 so didn't have to worry that she would want to be there second time around!
Is there any way you can say that it's hospital policy of just one labour partner or that your midwife has said that it's much better to just have one labour partner there and thus take some of the personal 'I don't want you there' sting out of it?
Was it her choice to be there to stay or did you invite her? What will happen if you go a long time overdue - will she extend her stay? Can I say you're really brave - I'm not sure I'd have wanted my mum to stay with me in the couple of weeks in the run up to ds1 being born - I just wanted to relax and sort things out
and watch my choices on the tv. Having to have a guest there - even if it was my mum - would have made it a nightmare. Even afterwards when dmum stayed for a few days or popped up and stayed again a few days later - I found it hard having her around all the time when I was trying to get sorted plus dh was there and very ill so I couldn't even escape to the bedroom as he was there...
Hope she sees sense and you get the labour you want without anymore stress from her!
I'm only having my DH there. My mum hasn't asked but I wont feel bad telling here I'll see her afterwards. She was at my sister's though - along with my sis' DH and MIL! - so hope she doesn't think this is the normal run of things.
Luckily my DM and me have very similar thoughts on it all and she doesn't want to come in as much as I don't want her to come in! She didn't want her DM there either.
I only want my DH because he's the only person in the universe that I feel comfortable enough to cry/be in pain/out of control in front of. Plus it's a family bonding experience, WE made our daughter and no-one else had anything to do with that!
Given the chance my MIL would butt in though, she's forever asking too many questions and when I won't divulge confidential information she tries to go around me and asks DH.
Don't worry about your DM, she might feel insulted now because she had certain expectations but it'll all be forgotten when she has a gorgeous grandchild to cuddle afterwards. It's your birth - your rules.
Good luck with everything
I have he opposite. I want my mum there but she has declined as she feels it should just be me and hubby. It's a personal choice that everyone involved should respect. My mil is trying to invite herself but she has been outright banned from the hospital as she tries to take over to much.
I had my mum with DS and she's coming again when I have DC2 in February. It was assumed on both parts she would be there but I don't think she would have been offended if I had said no, then again I have a terrible fear of hospitals and DP tends to panic so having her there helps keep us calm.
End of the day it's everyone's personal choice maybe promise to make her the first person you'll call with the good news? It's far more important your comfortable in labour than anyone else's wishes being respected tbh at the end of the day it's you going through it. Good luck by the way
Do what is right for you and do not feel guilty. I love mum to pieces but I only needed dh when I was in labour. It was a bonding experience for me and dh.
Nothing wrong with not wanting your mum there, the thought honestly wouldn't cross my mind to have mine there and we're quite close (although a bit too similar ).
You have not "insulted" your mother. You have stated your wish. She is in a huff because you have clearly stated your preference and not put hers above yours.
Do not back down. This is the proper start of adulthood.
Birth is not a spectator sport.
It's a special moment for you and DH. There's no way in hell I'm having anyone else there, I can't think of anything worse.
I'm sure she'll forget about it when the baby actually comes. I actually hate the new thing of having your Mum in the room with you; to me it's the start of mine and my partner's new family, so I'd only ever have my OH in the room with me, which my Mum completely understands (and I don't think she'd want to be there anyway!) His Mum on the other hand is completely the opposite and feels pushed out that she's not been invited to appointments, let alone the birth!
I adore my mum. She's bloody wonderful. It was never even discussed that she'd be with me & DH in the Labour ward! I'm sure she's have been great but DH and I handled the conception ourselves.
And if we'd invited DM then DMIL might have felt left out. It's get very crowded...
Just say you would like her available if you need her - like if you get worried/something doesn't go to plan, (obvs you are just saying this) but it may make her feel better! One of my friends suggested asking her to be the first visitor to see the baby once born. Again, don't have to follow through with these. But just saying can help!
I just had DH for all of mine, couldn't imagine anyone else being there. DS4's paediatrician came to visit when I had DS5 and was still in the labour ward. That was really lovely of her, especially as she wasn't officially working in the maternity unit that day. My inlaws saw us later in hospital with DS4 and DS5 and at home with DS1, DS2 and DS3. My parents came later.
It's your choice who you ask. I always think childbirth is your last moment to be selfish before the baby always has to come first so I like to take advantage of that .
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