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Unsupportive boyfriend after miscarriage

(11 Posts)
Love2014 Sun 13-Dec-15 04:05:48

Hi I found out I had a silent miscarriage on 4th December at my first scan. My boyfriend had been a bit hit and miss, my mum came over last weekend for example and needed to be driven about 30 miles home and return journey. He couldn't be bothered so I ended up doing it even though wasn't really in a fit state emotionally to be driving that far. So we had a row and said all the things you say that he didn't understand how I was feeling etc. then he got better and did loads round house etc and seemed to be a lot more supportive. I had to have medical intervention yesterday and went through the awful experience of taking tablets. Last night he said he was going out drinking for a bit even though I had taken tablets in afternoon. He then changed his mind at last minute when he saw I was in pain. Normally not bothered about him going out etc, but needed him last night. Anyway then tonight he went out for what he said was a 'couple of hours' with WORK. To then roll in at 4 am. I have argued with him about it accusing him of all sorts, can't believe he would stay out with people from work who he normally hates the sight of till 4am and come home trolleyed when we only lost our baby yesterday.. That just seems crazy to me. Or is this my hormones going crazy ? I have said was there someone there he was flirting with to keep him there so long ? In a way that would make more sense however upsetting then the alternative that he just wanted to leave me to deal with the miscarriage on my own. I know he probably needs some light relief but I just think it's totally insensitive and childish to want to go out on a bender right this weekend.. Couldn't he have waited a week even ? None of it makes sense and I'm worried something else is going on.

CallaLilli Sun 13-Dec-15 05:00:19

thanksOP, sorry for your loss.

But one thing that won't be a loss is getting shot of your boyfriend. Sounds like he's revealed his true colours, so please get out now while you can.

jimijack Sun 13-Dec-15 06:14:18

Sorry you have lost your baby.

When you feel up to it, get rid of that bloke, he clearly brings you nothing.
Do not waste your time asking questions & trying to work out why he is not doing what any human being would do, he is taking up your valuable time and effort.
Really, get rid.

ValancyJane Sun 13-Dec-15 08:16:15

My verdict was LTB after the first three sentences; there is no way a caring partner would let you drive after that. Ditto the going out drinking with friends yesterday. Yes, he changed his mind, but the thought would never have occurred to decent bloke! Get rid.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers.

OTiTO Sun 13-Dec-15 08:21:55

Sorry about your miscarriage thanks

How old are you both and how long have you been together? ( roughly) Are you surprised he has done this? What's he usually like? He doesn't sound like someone who would make a good parent.

Fluffybrain Sun 13-Dec-15 08:27:34

I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

Your boyfriend sounds selfish and unworthy of you. It's not your hormones it's your gut instinct telling you that you are with the wrong guy. Say goodbye to him and seek support from friends who understand your pain and situation.

April2013 Sun 13-Dec-15 08:30:17

Oh I'm so sorry, he should have been with you the whole time and done everything he could to help - your instincts are totally right, same thing happened to me last year and I needed a lot of help and not to be alone. It might be that he was struggling with it and wanted to get drunk because he thought that would help him (understandable but still very selfish), or that he is just selfish and unsupportive. Hope he shows some remorse. It is common for couples to argue after a miscarriage, but if he doesn't get it you shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that. I'm so sorry for your loss, it is a very difficult time sad hope you get some help from someone else and look after yourself too.

leaningtoweroflego Sun 13-Dec-15 08:33:17

So sorry for your liss flowers

It may be that hus way of dealing with it is to go out and get hammered and pretend it hasn't happened.

That's not to excuse hus behaviour - on the contrary you really don't want to be with someone whose response to emotional stress is to run away and leave you to it.

Anyone with half a brain would understand you need support right now. He seems to be either unwilling or incapable of providing you with that support when times are tough.

leaningtoweroflego Sun 13-Dec-15 08:35:36

Gah! Stupid phone! I should have previewed my post, sorry.

I hope you are looking after yourself and taking it easy. Do you have any girlfriends or family members you could ask for a bit of support right now maybe?

seven201 Sun 13-Dec-15 09:22:27

Sorry for your loss.

My first thoughts were that maybe he's not coping himself and he wanted to go out to drown his sorrows. He should be there for you and I would be pissed off if my husband acted like that. Maybe ask him how he's coping and see if that leads to him opening up a bit about why he stayed out so late etc.

seven201 Sun 13-Dec-15 09:26:59

Also, some men are just useless at being supportive in times of need, my husband just doesn't know what to say or do when something bad happens. My sister had a miscarriage and although she loves her husband, she just knew he'd not be the right help for her (he'd be overly worried, which she didn't want at the time) so she called me and I went and stayed for a couple of days (we don't live near each other). Could you ask a friend to come over to offer you some support?

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