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I don't want to be pregnant any more. I'm not coping at all.

(27 Posts)
Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:08:11

I am 26 weeks pregnant.
I am 22 years old living with my partner who is 24 and we both work full time but not very high salary jobs. We can not afford childcare so one of us will have to stay at home until our daughter is in school and then try to find jobs that mean we can both work.
Originally this was going to be me. However I am struggling with the thought of being at home all day every day, week after week, month after month. I can't see how I will cope. I don't enjoy the work aspect of my job I work in a bog standard factory job but I like the social aspect, the adult conversation, its a reason to get out of bed everyday and it gets me out the house. Problem is solved by the fact my partner has said he will stay at home if I want and I can go back to work. I don't have any friends and that is why I fear that I will be lonely and miserable. The only people I see outside of work are my partner, my partners family, my dad, my nan and my brother. I have one friend who always says he has no money to meet for lunch etc then I see his out drinking that night so his a total let down imo. I am a shy person, I struggle to talk to new people because I feel I don't have any common interests. I plan to leave work on 19th feb just short of 36 weeks pregnant. I felt pressured by my boss to leave early. I said I wanted to work until 39 weeks and he kept making comments about how I would struggle, how they where low on work so wanted someone gone (they also made someone redundant last week). I felt bullied into going early and I gave in and I am to scared to say I don't want to leave until a week before due date. Their are plenty of jobs that I can do sitting down and would not be uncomfortable for me and the commute is an easy one. The part of mat leave I am dreading is the weeks before baby here and if their overdue that could be as long as six weeks of work. I'm sure once baby is here I will have a bit more to fill my time with

I am also suffering with bad anxiety/depression and its taking over my life 100 per cent. It is leaving me with horrible feelings/thoughts that I am finding very hard to control. I have suffered with anxiety for years since age 16 mostly related to my health but I have worried about other things as well. The worst parts of my anxiety for me are fear of being on my own, fear of death, fear of loosing my partner, fear of health issues. Since becoming pregnant I have had many a tearful/highly anxious day and I am now at breaking point. Late last week/last weekend I had five nights where I was barely getting four hours sleep and this just broke me. The lack of sleep made me feel like a zombie and no matter what I did I just could not sleep at all. Luckily since Tuesday night I have been managing 6-9 hours sleep a night. Despite waking a lot for the toilet about 3-6 times a night I am falling back to sleep after 5-10 minutes each time which is great. I am suffering with the urge to move my legs a lot. My lower calfs. When I sit down I feel like they should be moving not still and it feels like an itch that needs to be satisfied. I hate it- I am fine at work even sitting (probably because I am distracted) but as soon as I come home that is it for the night and I dread going to bed as after last week I fear I will get no sleep every night. I've cut out caffeine this week and have really cut back on sugar except fruit and two small glasses of fruit smoothie to see if it helps. Last week my legs where twitching a lot as well but I don't know if this is just because I was so sleep deprived. The twitching has now stopped but I am so focused on how my legs feel now that I am questioning do I have RLS or am I so focused on it my anxiety is causing this. My partner suffers from RLS and I can see he moves his legs a lot but he says his used to it and it just feels uncomfortable to keep them still. The feeling for me though is horrible and whilst I can mostly manage to keep my legs still I hate it eg I have not felt it a lot writing this post as I have been focusing on this. The RLS is another reason I am dreading my mat leave as I feel like I don't want to be at home all day every day with this dreadful feeling.
It is also making me feel very disconnected from my baby/bump. For example her movements are no longer exciting, I'm no longer fussed about buying baby things etc. Don't mistake this for not wanting her. I really do- she is my daughter and I pray she is ok every day but I don't want to just be mum. I want to be and I want part of me to be being a mum. I am horribly depressed thinking that I have ruined my life.
I have just been referred for counselling sessions and I have my booking app next week with them. But in the mean time what do I do. All I want is to relax in the evening without worrying about my damn legs and it is making me depressed.

StubbleTurnips Sat 12-Dec-15 20:15:53

OP I didn't want to leave your post unanswered, I had terrible antenatal anxiety and the Panda Foundation really helped me:

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/pre-antenatal-depression.html

I found that I made friends easier after DD, when I eventually convinced myself to leave the house. It wasn't easy getting to that point though. Be kind to yourself OP, I found pregnancy and all the thoughts I went through hideous. Much better after birth and DD was a few months old.

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:19:24

Thank you for the link. I shall be looking at that.
I'm sorry you had a rough time to. It is awful isn't it. Hope your ok now

Ughnotagain Sat 12-Dec-15 20:21:10

Re childcare/staying at home - could you both go part time? My aunt and uncle did this and it's worked well for them. Neither of them are high earners and they wouldn't have been able to afford childcare, but between them (with help from family one day a week) they can balance it.

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:24:27

I hadn't thought of that. That is something to look into. Obviously it won't be straight away as our current jobs- we both work for the same firm won't allow us to go part time but maybe it could happen further down the line.

mudandmayhem01 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:26:20

Even if you and your partner have low paid jobs the subsidies you can get towards the cost of childcare through tax credits can make it financially worth going to work. You need you both to work for over 16 hrs a week to get tax credits ( its a while since I claimed, so sorry if this is wrong info)

shutupandshop Sat 12-Dec-15 20:27:02

Sorry your finding pregnancy so tough. You are not alone in that.

I was very worried about being home all the time too. Its a massive change but I dud get used to it in the end. Although for a good few tears I worked p/t. Would workjbg evenkngs or weekends help?

Having a baby can be a good time to make friends or just enjoy other new mums company.

Good luck

Doublebubblebubble Sat 12-Dec-15 20:27:05

Pregnancy as a whole is incredibly overwhelming. flowers

Do speak to your dr/hv as they can help. Dont make any airtight plans with regard to going back to work you may find that when your DD is born your feelings change entirely! As for bonding have you though about having a 4d scan?? I felt disinterested with my DD (6) until I saw her little face properly.. Instant bond.

As for the social part. Babies actually help you make friends - they are cute thankfully and that tends to help lol - there are lots of mother and Baby groups and soft play etc. you honestly are not going to be locked away by having a baby good luck xx

3littlebadgers Sat 12-Dec-15 20:29:44

Oh my lovely flowers I have no idea about what to do about your legs I am afraid but I might be able to offer support with your other concerns.

First of all the majority of pregnant women have periods of feeling more, or less connected with their baby. When your baby is born it is very different I promise you.

If you have just been put forward for counceling that is a real possitive. I have been receiving help from the maternity psychologist for my anxiety since about 24 weeks and it has been a real God send. I spend half my time crying on her but she has been amazing.

You say you are shy and have difficulty in connecting with people because you have nothing in common, well getting out to local mum and baby groups, library book readings for baby etc you will meet people there who do have something in comon with you, a baby. Many of whom will be desperate to meet other mums in the same boat, who will also be adjusting to the change in their lives. Some of them will feel shy and self conscious too, some will be naturally more chatty and will more than likely make the first move and strike up conversation.

In the mean time if you need to just rant and get your worries off your chest feel free to pm me and I will gladly give you an ear, but please be gentle to yourself and rest assured that doubt and worry is normal, and an important stage in getting used to your new, and exciting life x

silverstreak Sat 12-Dec-15 20:32:26

Op I had terrible RLS while pregnant with DD, but it went as soon as she was born so unless you suffered prior to conception there's a good chance the same could happen with you. Wrt other concerns, I'd definitely recommend researching some mental relaxation techniques to get you through the pregnancy and try not to stress about what will happen once your DD is born as tbh as this is tour first child you've no idea how you're going to fell once she is there with you... I had all these plans & ideas of how things would happen that just went massively to pot as I realised I was no way ready to leave DD with anyone, and want for a good 18m! Alternatively are you guys in a situation that you could both work part time, and share childcare??

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:34:49

I could have written this post as I share a lot of your anxieties, am very isolated with no friends, etc. Maybe we can hang out!

Re: RLS, I also have this badly. I hear a glad of milk and a banana before bed helps. I eat a banana (lactose intolerant) and that helps quite a lot. I also elevate my legs with a pillow.

Remember there will be baby groups for you to meet other people. PM me if you want to talk x

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:36:04

Thanks.

Re tax credits if we both work we earn about £24,000 a year after tax. We live comfortably though even if it does not sound like a lot of money. We do not qualify for tax credits on the calculator on-line but maybe we do I don't know. If one of us works we are entitled to child tax credit, working tax credit and housing benefit. We can't afford for us both to carry on working in the situation we are and raise a baby as we couldn't afford the child care costs and we don't have family available to have baby from 8-5 in the week. This is why financially we are better of with one us staying at home or one us/both of us working part time. I suppose I could go back to work in the evenings/weekends but that means leaving my poor OH with looking after baby in the evening and then doing a full days work the next day.
I have been thinking and saying to my OH that I would like a 4d scan for Christmas funnily enough. I will think about it more as I will be 28 weeks at xmas it would be a good time. I've seen some great photos from them scans.
I think the thing that is distressing me the most at the moment is the restlessness feeling and fearing that I will not sleep every night.

StubbleTurnips Sat 12-Dec-15 20:38:39

Hey OP, yes much better thank you flowers

I found getting out to baby groups the hardest part, I'd often get there but never go in blush this stopped when is paid for a class I had to attend I then met a lovely lady who recognised I was struggling and took me along to other classes.

DD is 2.5 now and I still get upset thinking about pregnancy. The split working is a fabulous idea up thread, we have DD in nursery 3 days a week and each have a day with her.

It takes a while but does get easier, I took pregnancy a day at a time x

I also found mumsnet a god send, although I was too afraid to post at first grin

Wishful80smontage Sat 12-Dec-15 20:41:21

I think you should have a chat with your midwife but the counselling sounds like a big step forward.
I would agree that part time work would give you a good balance.
Pregnancy is so hard OP and I think a lot of people get to your stage and feel the same way about baby's kicks etc.
I just wanted to share my experience that before I had dd I feel very isolated and was worried that I'd be incredibly lonely during mat leave but the opposite happened for me I met lots of people through antenatal classes, baby massage, groups and friendships formed very naturally. I made some really lovely friendships since becoming a mum- and I know this is the case for other people I know so I hope its the same for you too OP.
all the best for the future x

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:44:51

Thanks everyone.

I've never suffered restless legs before only when on a long haul flight or in the cinema etc. Never whilst at home. I don't think I have RLS though I reckon I am so focused on my legs that I think I have it as at work sitting down the feeling does not bother me and when I am typing it does not bother me as I am focused. I say this as my partner is on the couch moving his legs everywhere. I just panic about coming home from the evening and then I feel that brings it on.
Thanks for all your ideas. My partners sister is a SAHM and her husband works with me and my partner funnily enough. She has two boys 4 and 1 month and she says it can get lonely and I should go to her coffee group with her and a few other mums. She is quite out going though and I always feel so shy infront of her but she is really nice so hopefully she will mention it after baby is born and I am hoping that maybe I can visit her when I am off as our babies will only be about five months apart and they are cousins. I will also be visiting my nan and dad and at weekends will visit more of partners family as usual so I won't be completely lonely hopefully.
We have also signed up for a parent ed class in January.

MyNameIsSuz Sat 12-Dec-15 20:56:03

Oh ginger I thought it would be you when I saw the title of the thread. I'm sorry you're feeling so low still.

Re meeting people, it's great that you have your outgoing sil there - please go to the group with her, she'll introduce you to people in the same boat as you. The parent class sounds great too. Just try to force yourself to talk to people and you'll make friends, and honestly, babies are a fantastic ice breaker. All you have to do is ask how many weeks old, comment on a teeny outfit, ask the baby's name, and you're in.

Keep chasing your midwife about the counselling, it seems to be the biggest issue and it doesn't sound like they're taking it seriously. Keep contacting them if you need to.

Potatoface2 Sat 12-Dec-15 20:58:14

dont let your boss bully you into leaving going on ML.....its illegal and he knows it!

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:12:11

Thanks Suz. I haven't been on the March thread in a few days I think. Will pop back over soon. I don't want to bring the thread down too much though so I thought i'd post on the main board. I will take her up on the offer and just hope the other girls think i'm ok haha. I am quite a plain person- no make up, hair up in a pony tail so I do feel like a bit of an odd ball sometime. I suffered severe bullying at school over my looks and its really affected how I see my self. Gosh I sound like a right train wreck don't I.
I was thinking just having a baby is a great topic to make friends and the fact her baby will probably end up in the same play school etc as mine when older should make it easier to make friends their as well. I will keep on with the counselling- I do have my app next week and my 28 week midwife app is on xmas eve as well. wow 28 weeks! I still can't believe I have come so far.

Potato- I will try not to. I am just a very passive person. I have no back bone I just give into everything everyone says. I am seriously thinking about asking to work up till 38/39 weeks though. He can't sack me over it but it is hard for me to pluck up the courage. He was truly horrified when I mentioned about finishing on 4th March and seemed delighted when I mentioned 19th Feb.

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:13:00

PS the restless legs seem to be better this evening. When I am writing my posts I don't seem to notice it too much so maybe it is all in my head.

possiblefutures Sat 12-Dec-15 21:14:42

Hi OP...wanted to post because what you say about your legs sounds very like when I was suffering a lot of panic attacks and would breath too fast.

It can cause those symptoms, and it sounds like you are getting into a cycle of getting anxious, overbreathing, resulting twitchy muscles making you more anxious, etc...

The good thing is that you can very much break the cycle and kind of reset yourself. It's great that you have counselling booked, because that should help you do that.

In the meantime, when you get anxious and twitchy legs, can you simply: stop yourself - be aware of the cycle you might be getting into - and just breath steadily, to the slow count of four: 1_2_3_4 in, 1_2_3_4 out...and just steadily keep that going.

You don't have to feel like this. And things will change and get better.flowers

Gingerlady123 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:21:51

Thank you, that is very good advice. It is a cycle like you say and I need to learn to break that cycle.

possiblefutures Sat 12-Dec-15 21:36:50

And you can learn in time! I used to really, really suffer...I felt like I was going mad and was panicking / on the edge of panic all the time.

Now, I'm fine. The worst it gets now is me realising I'm getting tense and overbreathing... And I breath to the count, take myself out of the situation, decide to do something less stressful / triggering...

I'm really fine. None of that mind-swirling horribleness any more. And you can get there too.

April2013 Sun 13-Dec-15 00:20:09

I had anxiety and OCD in pregnancy and afterwards, CBT therapy helped so much, I honestly can't believe the difference, though it was hard work, it was well worth it. I know this sounds a bit flippant but whilst you are waiting to get help you could try tv\films\books etc as a distraction - whenever things get bad for me I try to get engrossed in some good TV, preferably a box set so there are hours and hours of it, also good for maternity leave. Once you have been assessed there might be talks on anxiety or other group things on offer, plus you could look at books on anxiety and CBT in your local library or on Amazon - perhaps the counselling service will be able to recommend some to you or have some you can borrow. Make a point of asking what help is available whilst you wait and hopefully they will have a few things to suggest.

MummyC92 Sun 13-Dec-15 08:03:15

If your partner isn't in a high paying job, you should get help towards childcare costs with tax credits, then once your dc is 2 you would probably receive 15 hours free nursery care, I think there is a bit of a misconception about having to stay at home with baby, but it is honestly so rewarding and amazing that once your lo is here you will feel so different. I joined lots of groups when my ds was small and through the health visitor, was signed onto a post-natal course full of mums and babies within a few months of my ds's age, this was so valuable and I am still friendly with most of the women from our group 4 years later.

IndomitabIe Sun 13-Dec-15 08:56:10

Hey Ginger, don't worry about making others feel bad. You're allowed to feel however you do, other people's feelings aren't your responsibility.

Regarding your boss & work: if he thinks you are unable to do the job, or if it's unsafe, or if they can't provide rest breaks, etc then it's his responsibility to make reasonable adjustments or, if that's not possible, suspend you on full pay. He needs to stop making excuses.

Also, when it comes to you and your DH both working part time after the baby arrives - if your boss is currently making people redundant because there isn't enough work, then surely you and DH effectively job-sharing (working the hours and earning the wage of one person) is exactly what he needs! It's no different to one of you quitting and the other continuing to work ft, except that you're both much happier (and therefore more productive?!).

If you're not feeling robust enough at the moment to be having these conversations with the boss then your DH is ideally placed to. Get him to do the research about the legal situation regarding pregnancy - what protection you are entitled to and what your boss should be doing.

Regarding tax credits, I know the system has changed recently but I'd be amazed if you weren't eligible for anything. And as a PP said for WTC you'd have to both be working 16 hours, which if you can job-share you would.

And your comment about working evenings so your DH would have to look after the baby before working FT - I've worked ft since before DS was 6 months old - I looked after him all bloody night in the evenings before work! Husbands are more than capable of the same in this age of 'equality'! But really, working evenings doesn't sound like the answer, you'd never see each other.

Keep on going, Ginge, you'll get there, and you will feel better soon. x

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