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Unexpected pregnancy, no idea what to do...

(26 Posts)
Sss506 Thu 10-Dec-15 20:14:59

Hi- I hope this isn't an inappropriate place to ask for advice in this situation...
I am 21 and a student (2nd year of uni) and I just found out I'm pregnant. I have a boyfriend, but neither of us is even remotely ready/mature enough/we don't have decent jobs/any of the required stuff really. It is just hard to believe still... I went to hospital with intense stomach pains, thought I just had a bad uti and came out being told I'm pregnant?! I've been on the pill for 6 months so I really don't know how it's happened, I mean I've been on antibiotics but I was told they didn't actually affect the pill, but whatever it is is beside the point now... I don't know how many weeks I am as they didn't tell me at the hospital, but I'm going to the gp tomorrow (I obv have no idea what happens/what the process is).

I know from the outside there is an obvious solution but I just feel so unwilling to do it. I never thought I would feel like this because I know it is not an ideal situation at all. I have always wanted kids, I am not a 'career type' at all, but I'm too young, I'm not emotionally prepared, but I just don't know if I can bear to get rid of it. I don't know what to do... I need some harsh realistic advice right now. Any genuine/impartial advice would be amazing, thank you in advance and sorry if this is a sensitive/upsetting topic discussing possible abortion xx

sepa Thu 10-Dec-15 20:32:42

The thing with being pregnant is I don't think you ever really feel ready. My pregnancy was planned then I suddenly thought, wow I'm too young for this etc.

Do you know when your last period was? Chances are you will probably just be a few weeks. You will need to arrange an appointment with your midwife (called a booking appointment) I suppose your midwife will be the best person to answer questions you may have.

If you are thinking that you would like to keep the baby then you need to discuss this with the father and see what his thoughts are. Also, are you close to your mum? Maybe speak to her also as she knows your circumstances better than any of us will.
It's possible to stay at uni and keep the baby (although this will be very hard). Your uni I would expect would have child care facilities which you may be able to get at a reduced price as your a student.

I'm sorry I haven't really been of much help, but the first step for you is to book in with your midwife and also decide if you want to continue with your pregnancy.

Good luck flowers

LouLou030783 Thu 10-Dec-15 20:57:13

No one can make that choice for u I was 19 when I fell pregnant and was Defo not ready however I now have an amazing nearly 13year old whom I wouldn't change for the world i went to uni at 27 and got my career and everything is amazing.

However I know how difficult it was and how young I was, I never wanted kids so young but I Defo wouldn't change it now. No one can tell u the right or wrong thing to do but u do need to think of will u be supported whatever u do?? Will u be able to take a uni break and go back or will that be put on hold? Will u be able to get childcare if u need it etc etc X

Havalina1 Thu 10-Dec-15 21:11:06

Wow, that is a right shocker for you. You have a hell of a lot to take in right now. I hope you're not panicking! Nobody can say what you should do, we can just share our stories.

I got pregnant unexpectedly too but at the end of my 30s. That was a shocker. I too wasn't in he least bit prepared but it's been AMAZING. she turns two tomorrow. I am thinking a lot about how two years ago my life as a mum was born.

I think with regard to your career, you get to the same place eventually, just in a different order. I've kept my career but it hasn't progressed since having her, it's established though and I'm ok with the pause while I am a mum to a young one.

I dreaded how tough it was going to be, and it was nothing like I expected because the reward and value and meaning that comes with it is so fantastic. It's been a riot! I had a second child quickly and again, heard endlessly how hard that would be. Again, yes it's mega but it's just life and it's fun and lovely. That's my experience.

Talk to someone you know really well, someone who won't monopolise your decision or direction of thought.

Wishing you the very best of luck as you figure this all out. X

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 10-Dec-15 21:29:54

Hello OP
DO you mind if we move this into our antenatal choices topic?

jamtartandcustard Thu 10-Dec-15 22:31:48

Op I was in your position 9months ago. Ok I'm a bit older (31 now!) and married, but I had just finished my degree, just returned to work after being a sahm, we have 4 children between us and were done. I was on the waiting list to be sterilised. Then I found out I was pregnant. It's hard, I still sit here and think I really don't want another and am completely terrified. I still don't think m ready for it and my due date is Monday!
We made the decision purely based on which we would regret the least. No I don't want another baby, but I know once he/she arrives we will love it so much and it will fit perfectly into our family. If we had terminated, I know I would always wonder "what if" especially as they would be no option of any more.
That's jus how we made then decision, obviously your circumstances are different and only you can decide what is best for you. I wish you the best of luck either way flowers

5madthings Thu 10-Dec-15 22:36:43

Op it's a shock, do you know how preg you are?

I fell preg with my ds1 in the second year at uni, he is now 16. I completed my degree with a good 2:1. Went on to have four more kids with dp, we then got married this year and are expecting baby no 6... Not the plan I had for my life. I was going to have kids but not til I was 27-30. Anyway for me it has worked out.

But you need to do what you feel is right, speak to your gp, is there a counselling service at uni?

smellytoes Thu 10-Dec-15 22:42:59

I was in your position 12 years ago. I was in my first year of university and had already split with my partner. I had a crap job as a waitress and no money behind me, but it all worked out ok. There's a lot of support in the student system for parents (actually more support than for the usual students really) and I was able to return to study, get a first and then postgrad funding. This was all as a young single mum, the same age as you.

Although it's not ideal, in many ways it's worked out well as my DD was fairly independent by the time my career took off and I've been able to commit to work, while my colleagues are worrying about stepping off the work treadmill.

It would be a good idea to explore all your options, in practical terms as well as thinking about the emotional impact. The student services at your university should have some information about finances and housing (I was lucky enough to get a council house but they're much rarer now, but it made me the envy of my friends who were stuck in student flatshares).

mineofuselessinformation Thu 10-Dec-15 22:50:15

Your maturity shines through in your post (I hope that does't sound patronising).
If you feel it's the right time to have a baby, it is. If you don't, it isn't.
That sounds harsh I know, but, if you were my daughter I would say go with your heart. Take time to think. Whichever way you decide, it will be alright.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 10-Dec-15 22:51:04

P.S. Old gimmer emoticon!

Everythinggettingbigger Fri 11-Dec-15 12:29:21

Ive been in your exact situation, although slightly younger.....

I was in my second year of uni when I found out I was expecting my DS, had only been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, we both still lived with our parents and I was 20 years old and worked in an off-licence part time.

In my opinion abortion was not even an option, it didn't even cross my mind, its not something I can do, but I know some peoples situations are different and if its right for you then that's what has to be done. I was due in November so had a good chat with one of my tutors, she was great and advised taking a year out as there would be exams in the December and there was a pretty good chance I would not be ready for them, so that's what I did. I finished the 2nd year, took a year out, had my DS then went back the following September. A photo popped up today on facebook memories of my DS in the uni library with me, it wasn't easy, but I did it. I stayed living in my mums and my boyfriend moved in too, we had tremendous support, I can't thank our families enough for it. As soon as I finished uni (my boyfriend was already in full time work) I started looking for a job in relation to my degree.....2 years later we have bought a house, our DS has just turned 5, and we are expecting out 2nd!

Nobody can make the decision for you, but hope from my story you can see its not all doom and gloom! I was more upset when I found out this time I was expecting, even though I was saying I wanted another, as we wanted to clear some debt and have some savings behind us, I don't think anybody is ever fully "ready".

Good Luck xx

SpaggyBollocks Fri 11-Dec-15 12:42:17

I got pregnant on a drunken one night stand during my first year at university.

I'm now married to the man in question. we have two lovely children and are totally blessed.

only you can know the best route for you, I just wanted to point out that it doesn't matter how unlikely your situation looks on paper.

YeOldeTrout Fri 11-Dec-15 12:47:24

How are you feeling Sss?

Ideally I think children should be very much wanted, so that is the question. What do you want right now?

possum18 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:13:31

Op, I hope you are feeling okay thanks
My situation is similar and different to yours in a few ways, I'm 22 and in my 4th year or a 4 year degree at Uni. When I was 19 I found out I had a fertility problem and my chances of having a baby were slim. Despite my age at the time and the fact I was in my second uni year, I decided to try and have a baby. It took 2 and a half years but I'm currently pregnant (with twins)! I can't comment on your home life situation or relationship, but please rest assured that your university will support you either way. You are entitled to take time off or defer your studies for a year if needed, and exams and deadlines can be moved to fit around you. I won't lie - being pregnant and finishing up a uni course is tricky but it isn't impossible, you will also receive higher student finance after the baby comes (should you choose to continue with pregnancy). In terms of your family, mine are very traditional and old fashioned and even with a few mixed responses, even the worst reactors are now beyond excited for babies to arrive. I'm fortunate that my DP can support me but, Financially, things tend to have a way of sorting themselves out if you aren't as well prepared as you'd like- no one will let a young mum with a new baby go without! If you want to message me privately about uni stuff or anything in general I'll be happy to help but can only give you advise based on my situation which I know is different.

This is a huge decision either way, so take time to really think about all eventualities. I hope you have support or someone to talk to in RL.
Please know there is a lot of advise out there and people who have been in far less convenient positions and turned out to be great parents.

April2013 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:26:01

I think universities are usually very good at supporting pregnant students who either go on to have the baby or not so you should speak to your tutor to find out what help is available. If you are thinking of going agead, although it might not seem a good time to be pregnant, in some ways it may be a lot more flexible and supportive than if you were in ft employment. Speak to student services or a tutor to find out what help you may be entitled to if you go ahead and how flexible they could be to enable you to combine a baby with a degree.

JennyC520 Fri 11-Dec-15 15:37:21

I completely understand how you feel. I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant with my bf of 3 months.. totally unexpected. I wasn't sure I wanted to keep the baby at first because we had only been dating 3 months, lots of arguments, I didn't feel ready, I was only 23, I wouldn't be able to keep my job which I loved and my future in general would be very unstable... I discussed with my bf (now fiance) about aborting the baby, went to the doctors and booked an appointment for abortion the week after.

The whole week before the abortion appointment I was a complete mess. I would cry every morning before work, I would be sad at work but pretend everything was okay, I would cry when I got home, cry before bed, I would hold my stomach and tell the baby how I didn't want to do this and I'll always love it etc, gah it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. And then I knew I couldnt go through with it. Luckily I told my fiance this and he said he wanted to keep it from the start anyway but wanted to support whatever choice I made. I'm now 37 weeks and can't wait to meet our little girl smile

I think you should look into what options you have. Will the Uni provide any support for pregnant students? Perhaps you can take a year out and then go back to it after? Will your parents help out? How about your bf, how does he feel? Will you support you? How do you feel about the whole situation? I know you said you don't feel ready... I'm 37 weeks and I still don't feel ready, like someone else said before, I don't think anyone ever feels ready for a baby! Personally, I knew I couldn't handle an abortion, so we decided to keep her no matter how hard life was gna be, and life will be tough but I know I've made the right decision. Only you can decide what is right, and deep down, you already know what to do smile
But if you do decide to abort... I would suggest not looking at any pregnancy photos or baby development photos etc... You will change your mind when you see these photos.. you think.. 'wow... at 9 weeks they already look like this??' and you cant bring yourself to kill what is already so human-like.

Sss506 Sat 12-Dec-15 13:41:41

Just wanted to say I have read all the replies & am appreciating the stories/advice smile

I still don't know what I'm going to do or even what I want to do, it's so hard. I keep alternating between wanting to keep the baby (even saying that instead of calling it "it" is crazy) and wanting everything to go back to normal (maybe feeling like that even at all is a sign on what I should really be doing?). My boyfriend wouldn't leave me if I kept it but we talked about it briefly and he just said that he didn't think that a baby we had now would have a happy life, we don't have any money or anywhere to live, he'd have to work constantly and we'd both be stressed and upset and we (as a couple) would probably not be happy anymore either. It's pretty pessimistic to think of it like that but I guess in a lot of ways realistic too, the money thing is a big issue. But it's not like people haven't done it before! His mum had him when she was 17 and I think he's just relating it back to his own experiences, which is fair enough. I just don't know, I feel so conflicted and confused about everything. I do know he definitely doesn't want it though. He said he feels bad about getting rid of it but I don't get the feeling there's any question about it for him.

I went to the GP yesterday, was in there about 2 minutes, she handed me a BPAS card and that was it really, I felt a bit lost and got really upset last night just because I'd been hoping for a bit more information/to know how far along I was, and for a bit more than just 'ring these guys, that's all I can say to you really'.

zaza86 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:40:04

I don't have anything more to add, but I just wanted to agree with mineofuseless- you sound a lot more mature than a lot of other 21 year olds (again, without meaning to sound patronising!). It sounds like you're really thinking this through and I know you'll make the right decision.

Runningupthathill82 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:46:18

I was in your position a decade ago - final year of uni, discovered I was pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. I'd been taking the pill and am still not entirely sure how it happened.

Anyway, I had an abortion and it was fine. Totally fine. I don't feel any guilt or regret as I know it was the right decision for me at that time.

A decade later I'm married - to a different man - with a 3-y-o and another baby due next month. Am still good friends with the ex and am going to his wedding next year.

Good luck in whatever you decide. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.

sepa Sat 12-Dec-15 19:44:16

The only way you will find out how far along you are for certain will be a scan.
The way to estimate how far you are is to count back to your last period

Curioushorse Sat 12-Dec-15 19:55:52

Hmmm. I imagine you're pretty freaked out right now! Anybody would be. Not that helpful in the grand scheme of things, but possibly worth pointing out that you'd at least be able to finish your second year and probably then defer your third? This happened to a couple of girls I was at uni with. I've always thought it was really interesting that they went on to get two of the highest degrees of anyone on our course. Probably because it automatically meant they weren't out drinking every night!

April2013 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:49:46

Just an idea but you could go to the early pregnancy unit at your local hospital, maybe ring them first, explain situation and perhaps they will give you a scan to work out how far along you are, then at least you will have a bit more information which may help you to make a decision. I think as much as what your BF says might be right for him, the reality is that most situations in life are a mix of good and bad so you need to try to think of the negative with the positive when making your decision, I guess it depends if the negatives outweigh the positives or vice versa, just don't be swayed by him too much and focus on how you feel. The other thing is you could go get a private scan - Babybond are good, might be a bit easier to get a scan quickly if your hospital say there will be a wait, I think prices range from £50-100. It is tough because I think even women who are actively trying to get pregnant, when they actually do get pregnant it is common to feel very scared and a load of other stuff rather than just happy and content so although you should totally listen to your feelings of wanting to go back to normal, it is one part of the picture. Loads of women have terminations and loads decide to go ahead, it is just whatever feels the most right and least wrong for you.

Sss506 Sat 12-Dec-15 22:25:01

mineofuseless and zaza, it's not patronising! it's nice, so thank you. I was a bit worried people would just think of me as a young idiot!

It's nice to see people who have been in the situation and had it work out well both ways. Personally I do think that I would cope okay with having an abortion, but I just don't know if I want to (I don't know if that makes any sense!). I really don't know what's right for me right now. I keep thinking of how I haven't been enjoying the student life in 2nd year so far anyway (like binge drinking etc) so it's not exactly as if I'd feel like I was missing out, but maybe I'd feel like I was missing out on other things like going on holidays with friends/boyfriend just me and him, having all my money just for me, etc. The overwhelming feeling is that I'm just so young still. after thinking about it I know that if I had a baby/child I'd love it more than anything and want to make the best life for it but I don't know if, even with that thought, it's what I want right now. I also feel as well that my boyfriend has been so strongly against keeping it that I kind of have to make the decision not to... I know that he wouldn't walk away if I wanted to keep the baby, but I also know he wouldn't be happy with my decision to either so it's just difficult. I would feel so guilty 'forcing' him into this life if it isn't what he wants so I don't know. I feel like I just keep changing my mind on what I want to do!

As for uni, it would be great to finish this year and then as you say defer the third. My uni has a nursery apparently and seems to have supportive policies for student parents/pregnant students which all seems promising.

I've made an appointment with BPAS for next week and I'm thinking about going to my family planning clinic which is a drop-in sort of thing on Monday, so hopefully by then I'll have a clearer head. And again thank you all for sharing! xx

April2013 Sun 13-Dec-15 00:03:06

Just to say, I don't think you would be forcing him to a great extent - he would always have the choice to not be involved if he didn't want to be. You dont have to decide to not do it because of him, it is your body and your choice. Im not saying i think you should keep it, just that you should purely focus on what you want when making your decision, obviously you care a lot what he thinks but I think when it comes down to it your feelings matter most. I think you need to be as sure as you can be, which I know must be very hard, that the decision was yours either way to hopefully help you to be OK about either a pregnancy or termination, now and in the future. That's great about Monday, hope they are nice and helpful.

harrietm87 Sun 13-Dec-15 12:46:58

Hello OP. I feel for you - I was in a similar position 6 years ago. I had graduated but was halfway through my professional exams and found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill so don't know how it happened. I'd been with my bf for a year and very much in love but we were living in a shared house and it just wasn't the right time. We probably could have made it work but it would have meant deferring my career and making the training process much more difficult (I'm a lawyer). I had an abortion and though the decision itself wasn't easy, the experience was fine and I immediately felt relief. I have no regrets now. I have a good career, a lovely flat, I'm still with my boyfriend and we're planning to ttc next year (aged 29). I'm sure we could have done a good job if we'd decided to keep the baby but things will undoubtedly be easier if we have one now as we're both financially stable, I have a great maternity package, we own our own place etc. I'm not advising you either way - it's a very personal decision and you will make the right one for you - I just wanted to say that deciding to have an abortion doesn't have to mean a lifetime of regret. Good luck!

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