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Pregnant mom, I'm disatisfied with her choice.

(10 Posts)
ibrogaxas Thu 10-Dec-15 10:13:01

Hey first of all I'm seeking for some advice, as I dont know even what to think or how to think,

I am not sure if thats the right topic, but I will just throw my question,

My mom is pregnant, pregnancy duration around 1-2 months, I don't speak to her anymore ever since I found out,

I'm 20 years old, still living with mom, sister and mom's boyfriend, yes infact I believe lately I am the main family income head but I dont mind I wanted to help as much as possible as mom raised me up, my sister she is nearly 5, I and my mom raised her up, For me my sister means everything to me of course at that time when she was pregnant I wasnt happy either. but now I dont imagine my life without her, but for a new child financial status of her wont allow her a decent living, she does not claim benefits and her "boyfriend" doesnt work as he tries to get papers, so its only me & mom working.

to be honest, we moved into a share house as our old landlord sold the house so we had to move out within 3months out, our financial status wasnt best I was doing part time job and full time student at that time so we got kinda stuck up to now in a share house. we own 2 rooms for 4 of us which is not good at all even for a newborn thats something that its terrible in my opinion,

I got finally a full time night job that pays good I found extra the night job so I could spend more time with sister and afterwards she would be with mom after she finish her work so we are about to fix the living situation to normal

BUT she wants to throw everything out now, I'm mad and hate her so much since 2 weeks, cant even look into her eyes as I throwed college and went full time work to fix it and now what she did I find it very upseting,

she plans and wants to have the baby, they been together with that guy for 2 years, I told her that if she plans to go ahead with that I cross all my support for her financially and with the newborn wont help at all, only will take care for my sistar it didnt really affected anything, she wasnt even bothered as Im sure she thinks its the same type of thoughts as it was before.

however now the financial status is awful, we couldnt manage to get into proper house for last 6 months as we cant save for the deposit, and she plans to get another child without thinking,

I dont know what to think to be honest, am I to harsh? Or its her? I'm just looking for answers as for the last 2 weeks I just feel hate towards her as I spend my time and financialy fully supported her up to now, income went literally 50/50 for me and her my income which Im not mad about but just sad that she doesnt give towards my opinion,

I thought about leaving home as I've saved up a bit by now, but by that I would be hurting my sister so I dont really know what to do,

DamnCommandments Thu 10-Dec-15 10:23:36

ibrogaxas I don't know what to say but flowers I can see why you feel responsible for your sister, but you could (and maybe even should) move out and let your mum and her boyfriend cope with the two little ones. They are both adults. Can they both work? I guess you're not in the UK? That would change things - if you're in a country with less safety-net, it would be a scary thing to do.

ibrogaxas Thu 10-Dec-15 10:30:45

we're in uk, he has no papers he is on asylum I believe, Because mainly I feel like she decided to do it without thinking, its like we swapped places and she is the immature one, she knows that she wont be able to care for 3 of them alone, and I cut my support for everything else then sister as I dont want to be included in raising another child of my mom and another lazy man, he complains how tired he is to mom when she is the one working, its just that I want children and my girlfriend wants too but we're fully aware that we cannot afford it now,

jamtartandcustard Thu 10-Dec-15 11:07:32

imagine the shoe was on the other foot - you found out you were pregnant and she was fuming with you, refusing to talk to you and calling you immature and irresponsible. would you like it? what would you do?
i'm sure you would do whatever you wanted to, because you are an adult and you can make your own choices in life. your mother is an adult and can also make her own decisions and I'm afraid to say, does not require your permission to have another baby.
you are 20 and working, i guess if you are really unhappy its probably time to look to move out. you don't have to go far and it doesn't have to have any affect on your relationship with your sister. unless you weren't planning on moving out till she was an adult and you would be 35, its going to have to happen at some point.

ibrogaxas Thu 10-Dec-15 11:34:49

Believe me if it wasnt for me,would have left once I hit 18, but she was the one that asked to stay together as she couldnt afford live alone and raise a child, I dont want to sound rude but guess you havent read half of it

DamnCommandments Thu 10-Dec-15 12:24:14

If you move out, she'll be entitled to benefits (though I understand that an asylum seeker gets next to nothing). She needs to go and talk to CAB to help her figure out what she would get from the state if you and your income went elsewhere. There's no point disapproving - you need to let her live her life, and you live yours. If she makes daft decisions (like having a child whilst on a low income, with a man with no income and no means of getting an income) then she makes daft decisions. You can try to cushion your sister by buying things directly for her (shoes, school uniform, classes etc.) but you can't do anything about your mum.

Ughnotagain Thu 10-Dec-15 12:30:50

The thing that strikes me here: this new baby will be your brother or sister just in the same way your 5yr old sister is. I don't see how you could support the 5yr old financially but want nothing to do with the new baby.

If you stay, they're only going to continue to rely on you. If you go, it'll be tough, you won't have that connection with your sister that you have now, but it might give your mother the kick up the arse to start claiming the benefits you suggest she'd be entitled to.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 10-Dec-15 12:32:58

Could you and your girlfriend get a place together and take your sister with you? I know you aren't her parent but your mom may allow her to live with you as it would mean she had less responsibility.

Then the onus would be on your mom to provide for her new child and her unemployed partner, and she might understand why you cannot support her decision to have another baby under these circumstances.

I'm really sorry you had to leave college, I hope you get a chance to study in the future.

ibrogaxas Thu 10-Dec-15 13:01:07

I know sounds reckless of me, but . to the point I got where I think I spend more time with sister then mom, not because she doesn t want to, but because her work hours are kinda bad, and I adjusted even everything so it could work out and finally perhaps everything would have turned perfect opportunities like that doesnt exist often, but felt like i got slapped next in my face now, other thing is the father, I'm not joking, this must be one of the laziest guys that i've seen in my life, he has a child in Gambia, but doesnt really care for him. we're germans so for me this is slight shocking tbh.

I reached the point where I hate my mom so bad, i thrown away college so we could fix everything and I know its not the baby's fault but, I dont want to have anything to do with it, when my sister was born, obviously I was underage so had to have school, be at home straight afterwards, it was like raising my own child, So I'm not even prepared to do same again, knowing this guy im sure he wont really care a lot, he is a decent person but for him children aren't priority as far as I saw.

Even tho as much as I hate her I dont knwo if I could stop supporting her but for now I came to 2 conclusions, moving back to my home country and continuing there or finding a new life style in UK, as everything what I do now has nothing to do with out-going personality, night work, taking care of sis, sleep thats daily routine, anyways I learnt that people see it slighty different then me, so perhaps my point of view is little different, and thanks all for the replies so far.

just to get information, she claimed benefits before, and she got benefit cut off as in our house landlord asked for our permission to register a man and afterwards it was a single woman claimed benefits not being single so she had to return all the money that she got, she tried to prove it wrong but once she did it was already too late.

what benefits is she entitled ? perhaps if she can make a living alone it will help my head to calm down and push me to leave

ibrogaxas Thu 10-Dec-15 13:03:14

Also forgot to mention other reason, i think that the guy seeks the baby for 1 use which is to get his papers, so this is more frustrating altoguh im not sure and obviously in my eyes he wont be an angel but thats how I see the situation right now.

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