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Pregnant with second at 19 with a different man, no idea what to do.

(20 Posts)
Yasmin96 Sat 21-Nov-15 23:31:47

I am 19 and I am pregnant with my second child. I fell pregnant with my first May last year and had him last December so he is nearly a year old. I am not with his father (nor does he have any contact with his father, his choice not mine) me and his father where together but when I found out I was pregnant (at 12 weeks) he told me I abort or he left, and he left and haven't spoken since.

I am so lucky to have amazing parent's who have been very supportive. When I fell pregnant I was due to move away to uni (but obviously the pregnancy put my plans in to question) uni was (and still is) very important to me. I lived at uni whilst pregnant and came home for christmas (then had him 2 months early just before christmas) I moved back to uni in Feb with my mums assurance and guidance. I am only in Mondays Tuesdays and Wednesdays and I come home Thursdays and Fridays and for the weekends and spend all that time with my son. I know it's not ideal but my parent's are not forced to do it this is their choice, I would have quit and stayed at home if it caused any inconvenience or trouble to them but it does not.

I am due to move home in December because the uni in my home town have accepted my application for me to study there (yay)

I have also just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with my second child which couldn't come at a worse time as I am in my 2nd year at uni. I do not like abortion and never thought I would have one. Thursday I went for a consultation and saw the babies heartbeat and everything, it was horrible. I have counselling booked on Wednesday then I will decide but I feel as though I can't do it and need to protect/love this baby.

I had sex with two people (one of which is likely the father) The first one I had sex with was just sex, we used protection and as far as I am aware it did not damage. I have told him I am pregnant and it probably isn't his but I am giving him the heads up and he has asked that I get an abortion just incase.

The other person, I get on with very well and we talk a lot. I explained the situation and he said he wants me to get an abortion because he isn't ready for a baby but he is encouraging me to think and do what I feel is best and has said even though it will be difficult he will be there for me in either situation.

Really do not know what to do. I can't have 2 kids at 19 whilst studying for a law degree can I or can I? I don't want to disappoint my family, especially as I am not even in a relationship this time. I am really stuck.

Unsurechicken Sat 21-Nov-15 23:40:35

Hand hold.

Only you can make the decision.

Will you be moving to your own house when you move back to your home town or will you be going home to mum?

Uni should give you funds towards nursery/ childcare have you looked into this?

Re the babies dad no one knows you will have to wait for a dna test don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it.

I have two babies 50 weeks between them it's fucking hard most days I want to cry and run away I'm not sure I could face doing my degree too

AtSea1979 Sat 21-Nov-15 23:47:58

You can do anything. But it has to be yours decision. I have 2 DC and it's so difficult. I know what I would do in your situation but then I'm not anti abortion like you appear to be.

ouryve Sat 21-Nov-15 23:50:24

It's a hard situation to make. I can only advise you to do what's best, long term for you and the baby you already had.

Your first baby must have been pretty premature. That's something to think about when considering whether to keep going with this pregnancy. What if you have another premature baby or one who needs more care for any reason?

MaisieDotes Sat 21-Nov-15 23:56:04

It's your decision alone.

For me the impact on my existing child would be the deciding factor.

flowers for you.

queenofthepirates Sun 22-Nov-15 00:14:56

You can do this if this is what you want. It may mean your degree takes longer or you do it later but I'm sure you'll complete it when the time' right. If you don't want an abortion, that's fine. If you do, that's fine too. No one should be judging because it won't be an easy path. Don't fret too much about letting people down, that will only leave you with regrets if you make it part of your decision.
I wish you well xx

MistressoftheYoniverse Sun 22-Nov-15 00:29:52

This is really only something you can make a decision about ...but my mother had 3 of us by 21 (in the 70s) and went on to become an accountant and auditor it's not impossible ..take care flowers

Sunshine511 Sun 22-Nov-15 07:42:06

I understand this must be an awful position for you to be in. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well, taking care of your child as well as studying! That shows a lot of determination so well done smile

Only you can make this choice! I don't think you should base the decision on what people will think or trying to avoid upsetting anyone. Think of how much your parents love your little baby, do you think they would love another any less? Yes, they may be concerned initially, but if you do keep the baby, they'd fall in love as soon as they meet them. Yes, your situation isn't the perfect situation, but life's not perfect, and it doesn't need to be perfect for you to have a very happy family.

There are many factors to consider, and you may decide that an abortion is the best route for you, but just make sure that whatever decision you make, you make it for the right reasons! Don't do it because of what anyone else will think, just do what is right for you and your little family. Sending hugs your way flowers

LyndaNotLinda Sun 22-Nov-15 09:35:57

Honestly? I would have an abortion if I were you. And then go and sort out some belt and braces contraception.

But I'm not you and it's your decision. I would think very, very hard about the practical implications of having another baby though, particularly when you're relying on other people to care for your existing child half the week. What will you do if they say that they won't look after this one?

Newlywed123 Sun 22-Nov-15 12:07:03

Only you can decide. Maybe sit down with your parents first of all, if they aren't willing to look after this child you will have to look into childcare and leaving University for a year (if possible).

I'm 21, I fell pregnant just a week into my first relationship. I was only 17. I ended up quitting college, but luckily babies dad stood by my side and 5 years later we're married! Unfortunately I went into premature Labour at 23 weeks and he passed away. We then decided to try again after even though I physically wasn't well enough (we both didn't think things through) we went on to have 2 Early miscarriages. I decided to book my ideas up joined college and when I started my 2nd year I found out I was expecting again, we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy a few months before I finished I had a healthy little girl. I carried on with college, took her in with me and finished when she was 2 months old with the highest grade possible aged 19. I'm now 29 weeks expecting again (planned) and hoping to go to university when this baby is a little older. We will be putting them both into a nursery as my husband works anything upto 13 days in a row. But I also have a supportive family who would help and if needed. All universities near me will mean I will have to travel at least 45 minutes there and back. But I know I will do and be successful! Even if it's in 2+ years time.

Sit down and have a ling think. Everyone is different. If you choose to keep baby, I bet you'll be fine. It's amazing what you can do, having children only gets in the way/ stops you from pursuing what you want to do if you let it. If anything they encourage you to better yourself for their future. I hope I worded all that right!

Sorry for the long boring post blush

Newlywed123 Sun 22-Nov-15 12:10:15

You also have to think of psychological affects of an abortion and whether you think you could cope. You'll make the right choice for you. Only make the decision which you want, not what any one else wants flowers

Finola1step Sun 22-Nov-15 12:12:47

It is absolutely your decision.

But in a practical note, if you continue with the pregnancy, are your parents in the position to continue to support with childcare and living costs?

Yasmin96 Sun 22-Nov-15 14:03:16

Thanks for all of your comments.

I know there is no excuse but I never sleep with any one unprotected. I slept with him with a condom and it broke. I stupidly assumed it would be okay as he hadn't "finished" when it split.

I intended to live with my parent's till I finish uni and save up in the meantime, so when I have secured a job after I finish I am in a secure position to leave home. Me and my mum have spoke about the possibility of moving out sooner (if I wanted too) and now because of this situation (if I did continue the pregnancy) I am considering it to give my parent's a "break" I have savings that would cover deposit, furnishings etc and I will be entitled to partial housing benefit (have worked out a budget prior) At the moment I get student loan/grant, child tax credit and child benefit. I give my mother the majority of my child benefits (to pay for his food, keep etc) and then the rest I save then buy him clothes/toys with at the end of the month. At the moment I also work part-time and bring in around £300 extra a month which pays for my car finance/insurance. So I am aware if I continue this pregnancy I will probably have to quit that job and in turn give up/get a cheaper car. I will have to sacrifice a lot including studying, family, friends and a social life but I feel I can make that sacrifice be a mother and try my hardest to continue on with uni.

I know if my parent's did decide to withdraw their financial help I would be OK. I know if they withdrew their childcare help I would struggle A LOT and would have to quit uni. I do get 70% of my childcare paid (if I wanted too put them in nursery/childminder) so that wouldn't be much of an issue but I would rely on them heavily to pick them up take them there and help me out if I have a lot of studying to do etc.

I have spoken to the father of this baby and he has said he thinks its for the best if I get an abortion but I should talk to the counciler on Tuesday and then make my choice as it should help. I don't know what his intentions are if I do continue. He has told me if I get an abortion he will be there for me but we haven't spoken much on keeping it. Also when I move (next month) he will be over 100 miles from me (3 hour drive) so it's hardly like he can see the baby easily :/

Its just so hard when I already have a son (who I considered abortion with) and now I see him, see how happy and beautiful he is and wonder how I ever did that to him, how if I did he would never have got to live/walk/talk. Especially as I seen my babies heartbeat so it wasn't like I could just think of it as a "clump of cells".

I have considered adoption, but I know in the UK it's not that common and a hard process. Do you think when I have the counselling phone call Tuesday they can help me out with the adoption process? Just so stressed.

bluewisteria Sun 22-Nov-15 14:27:01

I think you are being incredibly mature and thinking through a lot of possibilities at this stage, and I take my hat off to you.

I would say that you really need to talk to the father about what would happen if you had the baby, and to do that asap.

But also to think a little about a less than ideal scenario e.g. if father goes back on any promises/ if any of your children need extra help or care for any physical/emotional/learning disabilities. Have you looked into the intended budget cuts this government will make? The cuts will get worse and you need to think how you would survive if further childcare and housing benefit cuts were made, as far as I'm aware they will get a lot worse. I don't know how old your parents are or what sort of health they are in themselves but are they able to do this for another 5-6 years? That would take you to school age for the youngest - there will still be the issue of pick up/drop off/fitting in working hours etc.

Also I don't what your university course is, but I'm assuming it is a choice that will really enable you to earn a good wage i.e. vocational? Or a degree essential to a particular job that will earn enough to support you all and there is an available job market in this field where you live? Is it a job that would say allow part time work or working from home?
There are many more apprenticeship style learning on the job schemes available now particularly in areas like accounting which will also earn you a degree as you go. Might be worth a thought? Or anything in childcare/teaching will be similar hours to the ones your children keep.

Please don't think I'm trying to dissuade you - as others have said there is no right or wrong, just the best for you and, particularly, your son.

Yasmin96 Sun 22-Nov-15 14:48:34

I haven't looked in to any cuts yet but I finish uni in 2017 and then I expect to be working full-time (although may still rely a bit on tax credits, housing benefit depending on the wage I will be getting) I had hoped to buy my own house as I got some inheritance money a few years ago (which I have saved) and intended to keep saving and then put a deposit down when I was working but I know that's unlikely to happen now. A sacrifice I will have to make as well as my car. The childcare cost's are paid for from student finance so I don't think (but could be wrong?) that they will be getting cut if the budget cut's go to plan. My parent's are only 40 (they have a 4 year old son already) my mum is a housewife and my dad's away in the marines. My mum doesn't intend working once my brother goes to school as I think she enjoys the lifestyle she has now and there would be childcare implications for her herself (as my dad is away) Even if the father doesn't want involvement I assume he will have to contribute something financially (although I have never pursued my son's dad for it, maybe I ought too) He is a quantity surveyor so his income is quite stable.

I am doing a law degree and I have already got a training contract secured for when I leave. i would love to get in to business though (part of the reason I took a law degree) I know that child-care would be needed if I was working which I would have to pay for if my parent's couldn't provide it. I am sure my mum would be able to pick them up/drop them off when they start school though as my brother would be going to the same one.

Blu Sun 22-Nov-15 15:29:25

Would your parents really take on two babies? You say it isn't an inconvenience to them but it is a tremendous commitment and presumably one they are making to support your education?

Of course you can only make the decision that is right for you, but as a point of accuracy, the heartbeat at 6 weeks is an electrical impulse that will create the heartbeat once there is a heart.

In your position I would terminate and concentrate on finishing my studies to make an independent life for you and your son. And not put any more responsibility on my parents. I think it would be a huge pressure to try and study while you have two tiny children. Also your pregnancy us still very early. But I am not anti-abortion, and not you.

wallywobbles Sun 22-Nov-15 15:42:36

Well the up side of this is you might have "had" your kids, when you are physically best placed to have them. So you will recover quicker physically, be less tired than if you were 10+ years older etc. So really you could see this as all positive. It's going to be hard work for sure. A close friend of mine got a 1st while pregnant with her second. So it is dooable. She now has 6 though - and a career in tv journalism.

If you have sufficient parental support and you are prepared to be strong as hell I say go for it. And no partner is better than a shite one by far. The only cautionary note for me is that finding the balance between them being your kids and your parents kids IYSWIM. I think (as your parent) it would be hard to bring up kids and have to give them up 5 years or so down the line.

If you want the baby, have it, talk to your parents - they are really key to the success of this, but try not to have any more kids until you have finished uni!

orangeoreo Sun 22-Nov-15 15:59:24

OP I think it's a good that you're getting counselling and hopefully that will help you make your decision.

FWIW I had two dc during the course of my first degree and I had similarly supportive parents (my mum was also a housewife and happy to help with childcare). Neither of them were planned and I ended up a single mum with no financial or practical support from my ex, but the challenge of being a single parent focused my mind and I was determined to do well in my career as a result. I got a first and then funding for a MSc and PhD, I'm on an extremely good salary now, own my own home and my dcs are doing well. And they've never viewed me as anything other than their mum, even though my parents did a huge amount of childcare when they were younger. You do not have to let go of your ambitions because of the situation you're in, and you don't have to assume that if you continue with this pg that you won't achieve everything you are hoping to.

bluewisteria Sun 22-Nov-15 16:03:21

Your degree sounds great, and fantastic you already have a training contract in place as these are hard to come by with so many law students around now- I assume they will let you postpone for a year as you will take maternity during your course? Or not, I don't know if you are intending to break when baby is born.

If you have enough money for a deposit you could consider a buy to let mortgage now, get tenants in to keep up the mortgage? Then take it over when you are financially stable enough?

I would talk to your university pastoral team re finance and childcare for the next x number of years.

I think you should definitely get money for both your children from their fathers - assuming this doesn't make it harder than its worth.

The other thing is, how do you feel not being around your children full time? Emotionally I mean, for you to leave them while you study/work.

Also, my husband is a solicitor. He works for the government now, but when he was in private law the hours were brutal, especially during the training contract. You are looking at needing childcare at the drop of a hat till maybe 10/11pm at night, sometimes all night. Then you would have to pick them up/put them to bed. I don't know what kind of firm your training contract is with but there is a difference in expectations of you training with Linklaters in London and a small town solicitors.
The only way I can see it working during the training contract is if you carry on living at your parents, unless you use your inheritance to sub evening childcare?

Just to reiterate, I think you sounds like a great Mother making the best of a difficult situation.

london32 Sun 22-Nov-15 23:51:05

I work in the law and know a lot about the sector

I think you would be placing an enormous responsibility on your parents to effectively bring up 2 extra children. The hours, drinks culture etc already make it much harder on them with you doing this as a career once your eldest is school age and up later in the evenings, off school hols etc

It is way too much to ask of any parents, log term. They may have health problems in a few years or lots may change and what would you do then? It is also very unfortunate to have two children with dads that at not in a relationship with their mum, and may be difficult managing this long term, eg if one dad is involved and one isn't.

I'd focus on your study, career and be enormously grateful to your parents for what they currently do. This could change at any time for wholly unforeseen circumstances so don't ever take it for granted.

Good luck with your career

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