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Mother upset that I don't want her there during labour?

(45 Posts)
JennyC520 Sat 21-Nov-15 14:10:07

So, my mum and I were discussing going to the hosp when I give birth. She said to call her immediately when I get contractions so she can come home from work to go to the hosp with me... to this, I replied, ' I don't need you to come with me/ I don't need you there'.
This came out sounding a lot more harsh than I thought it would... Anyway, she starts crying and ignoring me and wont look at me...

What I meant was, my fiance and I want to be in the birthing room alone, but you can be in the waiting room. I guess it didn't come out that way...

I had no idea she would react the way she did.. I mean... It's my choice who I have there, but on the other hand, it's her 1st grandchild so maybe she was excited and expected to be present for the birth? OR maybe she took it literally like 'my daughter doesn't want me at the hosp at all'.

She's at work now so I'll have to wait till she returns home to explain what I meant, but has anyone else had this situation... XYZ wants to be in birthing room but you don't want that etc, How did you handle the situation without hurting anyone... I handled it badly of course...

brookeberry Sat 21-Nov-15 14:18:17

Yes I think you just need to explain what you meant. I'm finding things coming out of my mouth right now a lot sharper than I mean as well, especially with those I am really close to. Hormones!! grin

Just say of course you'll call her when you are going to hospital - I will be calling my parents and best friends, but I won't want them in the room with me, just DH.

She will be feeling sensitive and excited (I'm seeing a whole new side to my mum) so maybe you could say sorry, that came out wrong. Of course she must be at the hospital - that's probably what she meant. I don't think a mum would expect to be in the birthday room unless you didn't have a partner and asked her to be your birthday partner.

brookeberry Sat 21-Nov-15 14:19:22

Eh birthing room and partner, not birthday! grin

Pollyputhtekettleon Sat 21-Nov-15 14:19:59

She is being rediculous. It's you and your fiances special experience. Some people want their mother there but that is usually when there is no father involved or the father doesn't wish to be there. It's fine to have your mum there if you want but she shouldn't have been do presumptious.

ThursdayLastWeek Sat 21-Nov-15 14:22:58

God no, you didn't handle badly at all I don't think - she had expectations you didn't share and now she doesn't.

Why would she just want to sit around the waiting room? Sounds dreadful.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 21-Nov-15 14:29:13

Just to point out that most maternity departments don't have a waiting room. Plus you could be in for a very long time (my first labour was 36 hours), would she want to sit around at the hospital the whole time?
I didn't even tell my parents (or anyone) I was in labour until about 2 hours before DD was born! Couldn't bear the thought of people asking for constant updates.
Just tell her you'll let her know when you're heading to the hospital and will keep her updated as and when you can.

MissBattleaxe Sat 21-Nov-15 14:34:06

Just explain it will be the two of you (i.e fiance and you) for the actual birth but you will tell her as soon as the baby is born so she can visit. It is of course up to you how soon or late you call her. You may not want visitors immediately afterwards. Even your mum!

ijustwannadance Sat 21-Nov-15 14:35:13

It's definately your mum's issue not yours. She obviously just presumed she would be in there mopping your brow etc. It's not about her.
My sis would have my mum there. My mum knew not to even ask me.

SirChenjin Sat 21-Nov-15 14:36:51

She's being ridiculous - although it's probably just because she's excited. This is your time as a couple - you could be in labour for hours, is she planning to sit in the waiting room with a pile of sandwiches and the whole back catalogue of Hello?! Tell her your fiance or you will phone when the baby is here - and hopefully she'll not be so demanding in years to come.

RevsDeCub Sat 21-Nov-15 14:37:03

My mum was the same, first grandchild too & I'm an only child. I just wanted it to be me & my fiancé so that's how it was. She felt upset that I didn't "need" her (I think it's because she wanted her mum in the delivery room with me but my dad didn't want it). But I really didn't need her! Not to be nasty, but it's a very personal experience & to be honest with everything that happened I was glad she wasn't there as she's very anxious & wouldn't have helped me at all.
Little one is 9 weeks old now - she's got over it & your mum will be fine too!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 21-Nov-15 14:39:37

Gosh she sounds hard work and a drama llama. Did she have her own mother at the birth? I bet she didn't and if she did it would be because she wanted her there.

Tell her you'll let her know as soon as the baby is born so she can visit you and the baby but for all the messy bits it will just be you and your dp. The same as the conception was.

bluewisteria Sat 21-Nov-15 14:40:05

I think childbirth can be a scary time for maternal grandmother's - knowing their daughter will be in pain and a potentially scary situation. It may be she is just really worried about the process and wants to be there for her daughter as she loves you - rather than being 'involved and part of the birth'?

Sheila Kitzinger has written a book for grandmothers - might be a nice present?

www.amazon.co.uk/372/dp/068483538X

Berthatydfil Sat 21-Nov-15 14:44:57

Things to point out to her.
You don't know when you will go into labour or how long it will last - it could be the middle of the night and go on over 24 hours.
Modern hospitals don't have waiting rooms so she would probably be down in the canteen or similar. I doubt that the hospital would allow a random person to hang round a maternity ward they will probably have security in place which won't allow it.
They may only allow one birthing partner in the room and if you have to have intervention it's possible even they won't be allowed in.

redexpat Sat 21-Nov-15 14:50:47

She is of the generation where men had no paternity leave, so probably relied on her mum as lots of women did. She needs to feel wanted, so explain that your dp will be around for the first 2 weeks, but then youd really welcome her being around a lot more.

PennyHasNoSurname Sat 21-Nov-15 14:58:29

I would just say "Mum, just because I want it to be just DP and I in the labour, it doesnt mean I dont want to involve you. I will call when we go in, and you will be the first to know the baby has arrived, and of course, you can come a visit once we are up on the ward. I didnt mean for you to get upset, its just the labour will be DP and I"

JennyC520 Sat 21-Nov-15 15:21:52

Phew, I'm glad you all agree that it was a bit of an over reaction... My friends and sisters who have never been pregnant don't understand. My sister's are saying 'I can't believe you said that to mum, its her 1st grandchild, just let her be there' bla bla but they're not the one who's having the baby! I keep thinking maybe i'm being really insensitive... like maybe i'll be the same if my daughter was like this to me.

Initially I did want my mum as well as my fiance there, but my mum has been really intense during my pregnancy... she's always touching my stomach, talking to my stomach, putting her head on my stomach (I know right...) and generally over protective like 'Don't squeeze through that gap! Don't stretch to reach that! Don't run, walk! Has baby kicked today? Have you spoken to the baby today?' I get it.. she loves me, its her 1st grandchild, she's nervous for me, she cares about me, but it was all too much, you know? SO, after all this, I decided not to have her in the room as I know it'll make me more scared/stressed/anxious.

JennyC520 Sat 21-Nov-15 15:26:53

I also wanted to save her and my family from having to wait in a hosp for however many hours when they can't do anything anyway... what's the point? and i just thought it'd be nicer for them to stay home and come when I call. I know I'm not gna want them in the room as soon as baby is born anyway.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 21-Nov-15 15:28:14

Yes I think you need to be a bit more specific that you don't want her to be involved in your actual labour, which is entirely understandable, by the way - not that you don't want her to come to the hospital at all.

OneMoreCasualty Sat 21-Nov-15 15:30:49

AFAIK a lot of hospitals only allow one birthing partner.

Ask your sister if she'd like your Mum to watch her having a six hour operation.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 21-Nov-15 15:31:52

Many hospitals only allow one birth partner, mine does. No other visitors are allowed on the delivery suite at all. I had the same issues with my mum wanting to be there, saved by the hospital rules.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 21-Nov-15 15:40:04

I had similar with my mother. I asked her to stop buying stuff for the baby until we'd worked out what we needed. She ignored me for a day then called up all snooty until I asked (8 times) what was wrong. Turns out she thought I didn't want her to buy ANYTHING for the baby, EVER. Oh, and also that I didn't want her to visit after the baby was born. No idea where that one came from.

1frenchfoodie Sat 21-Nov-15 15:56:52

Sounds like you just need to explain you want your DH as birthing partner and her there afterwards. My sis had dh, mum and MIL in the room while she was in labour. No way am I having anyone other than DH. No matter how much he'd like a substitute smile

putthePuffindown Sat 21-Nov-15 15:59:01

Wow goodnight, I thought I was alone on that. My mum said she wanted to move in with us immediately after the birth to help. I tried to say that was too much and that we wanted a wee bit of space for a day or two to get used to being a new family first. She took this as we werent going to allow visitors full stop!!! How bizarre.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:00:51

Puffin, mums are crazy! PFGC syndrome.

SerenityReynolds Sat 21-Nov-15 16:10:58

Your mum sounds like she is just a bit carried away and overexcited about her first grandchild. You have done nothing wrong at all and ignore the comments from your sisters about "just letting her come". If you want it to be just you and your DH, that's entirely reasonable - the fact that she's been a bit OTT and over-tactile through the pregnancy would make me wonder if she might be the same during labour and be a bit smothering? Something your DH might not appreciate either!

Agree with previous posters just sit down and clarify what you meant about her being there during labour and that you'll be in touch for her to visit as soon as you are ready after baby is born. Don't be guilt-tripped by family into anything you don't want.

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