gestational diabetes - unsupportive husband.

[saraht84]

Hey everyone.

I'm 27 weeks and just found out I've got gestational diabetes. Not being seen at the hospital until next week so I'm relying on information online to see what I should be doing.

I'm terrified, after recurrent mc I really thought I'd make it this time. Just wish my husband could be more supportive.

I've been off work this week (annual leave) but usually work 40 hours. He thinks that if you're not working, you're being lazy. I do all the cooking and cleaning, all the time. This week he's made sure I'm up to iron his shirts and make his lunch - I work shifts so normally I'd be gone before he gets up. If I try to tell him he's being unfair it's always the same thing. He's going to work so I should be doing everything else.

The GD diagnosis has just made him worse. In his head it's because I'm fat. I'm a size 16 pre pregnancy and I have a bump small enough to make me paranoid! So now he's decided I should be on a really restrictive diet. Like I shouldn't be eating while he sits on his arse and stuffs his face. Last night I had two oat crackers before bed and he looked at me like I was a horrible person.

He doesn't understand GD and in his words he doesn't care. I feel so low. If he's like this now how am I going to take care of a child with him around? What happens if my health gets worse, he's never been to any appointments with me. I just feel alone and like he's against me. I really don't know if my marriage can survive.

Sorry for the rant, I'm having a real bad day.

[Castrovalva]

Not surprised you are having a bad day. He sounds like an utter cock

Why are you ironing his shirts and doing all the cleaning if you both work?

[saraht84]

He grew up with a really traditional stay at home mom. Food was always on the table at a set time, the place is always spotless. I know his mom worked hard for that and I respect her but I feel like I'm replacing her and working full time.
I don't feel like a wife anymore, more like an invalid and a maid.

Honestly it never bothered me as much before I was pregnant but now it's getting to me. I'm so bloody tired.

[katand2kits]

He said he doesn't care? I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

[Castrovalva]

It should bother you though.

Why does he get to do nothing around the house just because he has a penis. How can you possibly think that's fair. How can he think that's fair?

His mum didn't work outside the house, in order to have time to do those things for him. You work. He is (presumably) an an able bodied grown up?

You are in no way obligated to do all household stuff plus work, just because his mum did all household stuff. Don't fall for that shit.

[PeppasNanna]

Listen to what he's telling you, he is showing you the man he is, when you need him most

Literally decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with such an arsehole or leave...i wish i had!

[Castrovalva]

Yup. What she said^

He is telling you who he is. Listen.

[Lopistrikke]

You're effectively doing a second shift when you come home. Not ok.

It's going to be harder work with a baby. Sit down with him, divide the chores and set out your expectations for when the baby arrives. Challenge him on any pushback, with asking him why it's ok for you to do everything. Don't shout or argue, calmly ask why you should work and get all the housework.

In a equal partnership both pull their weight. That can look a lot of different ways depending on who works/ hours/ shifts: but it's working if both parties feel it's fair.

If he refuses to change you might point out to him that you will have one helpless baby to look after and life would be easier without him being another child.

[Castrovalva]

I think the 'says he doesn't care' thing is deeply worrying.

[Abi0783]

I was diagnosed with GD this time around - so the first thing they will do is give you equipment to check your blood sugars before and 1 hour after you eat (anything below 6 before food is good and anything below 8 1 hour after you eat is also good). If you can manage this on diet alone then you continue this throughout the remainder of your pregnancy but you will be referred to a consultant and receive 2 extra scans to check the Growth of the baby. Depending on previous history and the results from these scans the consultant will advise whether an early induction after 38 weeks will be required (only if you have not had a previous c section and is the baby is on the big size).

i think the finger pricks to check your bloods will help you stay in control but if diet alone isn't working (this isn't your fault) you will have to start taking metformin tablets.

They will also explain diet and portion sizes and carbohydrates and reading packaging etc. It is very informative and useful.

i don't know what your dietary lifestyle is like at the moment but basically you will be surprised how many healthy things you have to still restrict!

if you would like i can give you some suggestions on diet that i have changed or what my average day looks like in order to control blood sugars. Even still i have had days when it has gone over...but on the plus side i have still managed to eat things like icecream and cake but have limited these type of food. Also without trying i have lost weight but not in a 'im dieting/starving myself' way....its just helped me level out my energy which has also controlled hunger pangs etc

in regards to your husband - you need to focus on your self and its easy for others to say dump him or tell him what for but we dont know the ins and outs of your relationship so you probably should get family or friends to intervene and get them to make him understand.

However one of the things that actually has helped me is light exercise (i.e chores around home, walking, swimming) which regulates your sugars...basically break the chores up so you are not over doing it as you are working but one thing each day or over weekend but rest throughout as well so you're not over tiring yourself.

feel free to ask me anything and stay positive xx

[saraht84]

It was said in anger, he hates it when he feels like he doesn't know something. So he's decided that I should be losing weight and not eating which really isn't ok.

I've tried talking about household tasks but I'll try again. I had hyperemesis which made it virtually impossible to keep on top of housework and to be honest he just left it all until I felt better.

[Lopistrikke]

Perhaps you need to explain to him that diabetes management in pregnancy requires carbs in a very strict way.

Its absolutely not about starving yourself

[saraht84]

Thanks, still getting my head around what I'm supposed to eat. Hoping it's easier to understand once I'm testing my blood sugar.

He's not a bad person, just spoilt. I'm guilty of that too as its always been just the two of us.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Fuck that attitude, fuck him.

He's a cock. Sorry but he is.

And never mind explaining anything to him, just do what you need to do and ignore his fucking stupid shit.

I'm so angry for you, I really am :(

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

He sounds like an absolute cock. I'm actually angry reading this. Who does he think he is? Expecting you to work full time and do all the chores? Telling you not to eat? Regardless of how he was brought up, any decent man would not think this is ok.

[Castrovalva]

It was said in anger, he hates it when he feels like he doesn't know something

He's not a bad person, just spoilt

Do you often find yourself making excuses for his behaviour? No need to answer that, but just have a quiet think to yourself about this dynamic.

Don't fall into the trap of owning his problems for him. This transition from a couple to parents is going to b tricky for you both. I'd strongly advise you start deciding and defining boundaries now. IME relationships that don't transition well to parenthood are those where on partner has been mollycoddled to some extent; that partner then just spectacularly fails to accept that it isn't all about them anymore. All the while the other partner keeps on blaming themselves and trying ever harder to please everyone.. Driving themselves into the ground in the process.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

Sorry but he most definitely IS a bad person.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, he is. This goes waaaaayy beyond "he's a bit spoilt" :(

[strawberrypenguin]

Wow your H is a dick. Diabetes management is not about not eating - especially if you are put on tablets or insulin.
Try not to worry to much about the GD the hospital will send you to a special clinic who will give you loads of good information including tips on managing your diet. I'd take your H with you to clinic the first time so he can hear the advice from the doctors - it is in no way your fault. I have GD and am a size 10!
As a quick guide (in no way comprehensive) who wheat pasta is better than white (same for bread, you want granary) as they are slower release.
For me double carbing is bad for my sugars or if having curry don't have rice and naan (put I do find popadoms ok)
Pizza is a big no for me! But it might be ok for you- you will learn what works. Oat cakes are a good call for a snack, again slow release.
Good luck, try not to worry too much.

[KeyboardMum]

Now that's not on really, is it? You can't be mother to both your baby and your other half. There's no place for a Victorian opinion in the modern world, it simply doesn't apply.

This is a time in your life when what you really need, is emotional support, patience and understanding. Stress needs to be minimised, for both the sake of your mental health and your childs overall wellness. From what you have mentioned in this thread, his expectations of you are unreasonably over-bearing. I suppose that on top of all of this, you are also expected to perform in bed?

Is there something wrong with him? Is this how he is going to act to the other stressful hurdles life will throw at you in the distant future? Is he going to take his stresses out on you every time and not consider your feelings, or support you? Maybe he should get some Counseling, because from my perspective, the problem is clearly with him.

Personally, I would not have the patience for such a man. My father was like that to my mother and she eventually divorced his arse. But not before her hair started to fall out, she sported a good load of bruises on her face and she nearly lost me during her pregnancy. He is now a disappointment as a father and I haven't spoken to him for years. But hey-ho both my mother and I are happy, normal people. In contrast to my mothers bad experiences, I have a loving relationship with a partner who will bend over backwards to make sure I'm happy and feel safe - and that's not just during my pregnancy.

The point of my anecdote is that you might feel chained to this silly little man with a bad attitude at the moment because you are pregnant, but in reality you are never in too deep. You always have a choice. There are so many support networks out there which will be more than happy to advise you and council you, whatever you decide to do.

So I really hope that you get to a point in your life where you feel happy and safe. I really hope your pregnancy goes well and, whatever you decide to do with him - I hope he sorts it out.

Good luck x

[brookeberry]

Hi Sarah the most important thing right now is your health. I don't know much about GD but find out as much as you can and eat what's right for you.

It's very hard to turn a relationship around overnight. If it's always just been the two of you, you must know each other very well, but couples can get stuck in patterns that are hard to break. Basically the person behaving badly or being rude is getting away with it and sometimes changing your reactions to it, and consistently so, can mirror back their behaviour to them. Good luck with everything.

[brookeberry]

I just read my post back and it doesn't sound great. I'm referring to smaller argumentative things rather than serious problems with someone. Only you know if your relationship has what it takes to go the distance.

[amarmai]

stop making excuses for this boy-man. A neighbour has this and it did not stop after the baby was born. My son died from complications of this disease. Get advice at the hospital in writing about what you need to eat and do to be as healthy as possible. If your h cared he wd get info and come with you. If he does not care , you and your dc will be dragged down . He does not get to tell you to stop eating and to get up and iron his shirts. This is 2015 and you do not need this treatment . When you go to the dr inform him/her what is going on in your life. It will get worse after you have the baby. Better to leave now as you will be so tired after the birth. Is there an organisation or family who can help you to get away from this abuse?

[LumpySpaceCow]

He controls what you eat....you iron his shirts and make his lunch....you sound like cinderella and he sounds like a dick. You should have been resting on your annual leave and not running around after him.
He sounds ignorant and abusive. I would be well rid, but it is easy for me to say this.

[bittapitta]

You have earned your annual leave by working 40 hour weeks. It's up to you how you spend that time that you earned as part of your contract. How dare he tell you to do his ironing while you're on your own holiday time! (This is out of order regardless of you being pregnant)

Please have a long hard think about the future of your relationship and dare I say it your pregnancy

[saraht84]

Thank you for all your replies, please don't think I'm ignoring them or burying my head in the sand.

As far as the GD I've tried to educate myself and I'm at the hospital on Monday. Of course I'm going to do whatever necessary to make sure my child is healthy and I won't actually listen to him moaning about food. He eats for England so he has no right to say a thing.

As far as our marriage goes, well that's complicated. Reading my post as an outsider I'd be screaming "leave him" but when you're in it things are so much more difficult. He's not abusive but I completely accept his behaviour is emotionally damaging. He doesn't have much of a social life, his friends have fallen away over the years. I think it would do him good to get out more.

That's neither here nor there. Personally I have a lot of support around me and I know if I got to the stage where it wasn't working I could get out. I'm not throwing in the towel yet though. I'm going to try to talk to him, if that doesn't work then I don't know, I'll take it from there.

I promise you he doesn't mean to be a cock. He can be the most wonderful man when he wants to be.

Thanks again for all your replies.