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Insensitive partner

(19 Posts)
Trace38 Sat 21-Nov-15 09:00:19

Is anyone else having a hard time getting their partner to understand that later in pregnancy is hard work? 34 weeks and I'm getting miserable about the state of the house (not just tidying, but unfinished decorating that means no room for the baby yet and stuff everywhere). I washed baby's clothes and he cooked himself burgers that filled the house with smoke and I complained that he didn't open the windows because the clothes would now smell. He said I was being ridiculous and if I carried on he would pour the burger fat over 'your baby clothes'. I've got a headache this morning because I went to bed crying. He said I'm being lazy as all I'm doing is dictating to him what to do and not doing any of it myself. I'm too uncomfortable to decorate. sad What can I do to get him to understand?

sepa Sat 21-Nov-15 09:44:13

I am not yet that far along so I have no experience of this.
Is your DP usually insensitive in other things? As it could be that he is having a hard time adjusting as your arrival is just round the corner. If this is the case then you need to speak to him. My DP refused to help me decorate the nursery so I asked my mum to help. DP then realised he was being a dick so offered his help. Would something like this work for you?

Is this your first child? As although we are going through the changes I think that adjustment wise it must be harder for for guys as they don't feel the baby etc so I suppose their realisation hits at the worse time and they revert to boys who can't cope.

Trace38 Sat 21-Nov-15 09:50:07

Thanks for replying. It is our first baby. We've got so much to do this weekend if we want to get the decorating done, yet despite last night he has been playing computer games for almost three hours so far today. Something like that might work though. Next problem would be getting my mum to help!
He can't put a foot wrong in his parents eyes and I'm starting to resent them for that so I can't even ask for their help.

bluishskies Sat 21-Nov-15 10:17:57

I think what sepa said is spot on. They don't realise what hard work growing a baby is especially when you are nearing the end. With our first, I did all the decorating and roped in my nephews to help with the bits I couldn't. This time around I'm 33 weeks with twins and a toddler so I've been shaming DH into doing really basic things like building the cotbed, etc. In all fairness, he does do most of the washing up, cooking, and helps out with DD. But anything related to the babies, he is crap at because he thinks we still have plenty of time when in reality, our best case scenario is less than 5 weeks.

Do you have any friends or family that you can ask? I entice them with a hot meal and homemade cheesecake in exchange for help.

Junosmum Sat 21-Nov-15 10:18:59

We renovated the house when I was 16 weeks and finished it last week (31 weeks). OH was getting annoyed that I was tired, needed regular breaks and couldn't work as hard/ fast as I would normally. He tried not to show it but I could see it. At 27 weeks I ended up in hospital with a bleed, the drs reckon it was because I pushed myself too hard. Thankfully baby is fine but it made OH sit up and take note. He's been much more understanding since.

I have to say though at no point did my OH say anything mean, the attitude doesn't sound great from your husband, is he normally mean or did it just come across badly in the OP.

mamas12 Sat 21-Nov-15 10:25:52

That's not insensitivity its abususive
Threatening to pour the hot fat over "your" baby clothes is a horrible thing to say.
If you think this relationship is salvageable then I would shame him too
Invite his parents round to help him do the decorating. You need to look after yourself op you are doing the toughest job in the universe at the moment and he needs to step up

Trace38 Sat 21-Nov-15 10:28:19

The attitude was because we were arguing. I told him how horrible he was being but he wasn't interested at the time. I fell asleep on the sofa last Sarurday afternoon by accident and he was saying that I just sleep rather than help but it's not like I'm choosing to waste the day. To be honest I dont think he'll let anyone else come in and do it. I suggested a decorator and he got cross. Can't win!
I'm just bloody fed up of feeling like crap with zero compassion from him. I'm just a lazy whining control freak apparently.
Just need to vent because I'm bottling it up and feeling really angry.

53rdAndBird Sat 21-Nov-15 10:30:09

He said I was being ridiculous and if I carried on he would pour the burger fat over 'your baby clothes'

That's not being clueless, that's being mean. Is he like this usually?

I don't think there's much you can get him to do to stop being a brat, but you should probably try having a serious, "you are really upsetting me and this can't continue" conversation with him. He needs to sort himself out well before the baby arrives.

Trace38 Sat 21-Nov-15 10:40:32

No he's not abusive and wouldn't normally say that unless I was moaning, but I just can't reason with him to do something so simple like open the kitchen window when cooking. I didn't want all the clothes to smell of burger and now I will have to wash them a second time when they haven't even been worn yet. But I don't know when to do it because he's refusing to change, so the same thing could happen again next week.

To be honest I just can't see that he will realise and he'll just blame my hormones or say I'm overreacting. I'm on maternity leave soon so I think I'll just get help in when he's at work and then it's tough.

LumpySpaceCow Sat 21-Nov-15 10:45:21

This is blunt but he sounds like a tosser. Was he like this before your pregnancy? Jesus, 3 hours on a computer game? He sounds like a teenager. I only have my DH to compare to (and not trying to rub your nose in it) but he is brilliant (but always was before kids so I wouldn't expect anything else). Struggling with spd (3rd pregnancy) and he does the majority of cleaning, cooking sorting kids etc.
I think you need to have an adult conversation with him to explain how you are feeling and what you expect from him. He can then explain how he is feeling and maybe why he is behaving like he is.
I found our first child testing in our relationship as it is a lot bloody harder than I ever expected- but this was after the baby was born and not during pregnancy.
Good luck x

RoTo72 Sat 21-Nov-15 10:54:37

Ds father was like that. I was doing everything in house right.up to the day I went in for induction while he sat in spare room listening to music. The night I got home I had to get up make bottles up and do all the night feeds (as well as the day ones and all the housework, cooking etc). He was like that until I kicked him out when ds was two. There were more issues going on too. Thing is when he left he wasn't missed an ounce. I continued doing everything on my own. I met oh 6yrs ago. We dated for <5 yrs before I let him move in. (wasn't going to get bitten twice). While he wasn't as organised r cleaned to my standards, lol, he did try. Have to say this past few weeks he has been brilliant. Literally doing everything in house, looking after dogs laundry cleaning. And that's with working full time shifts. I'm starting to feel a bit better 7 weeks 5 days now so am doing more. I'm confident I wont have the issues with oh I had with ds dad cos he's trying so hard now.

Kaytee1987 Sat 21-Nov-15 12:00:23

I'm sorry but he sounds like he's being a dick. I would he furious if my husband spoke to me like that. Poor you, no other advise just wanted to give you sympathy xx

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 21-Nov-15 12:06:05

No he's not abusive and wouldn't normally say that unless I was moaning

You make it sound like you think it's your fault for moaning.

saraht84 Sat 21-Nov-15 13:07:48

Trace38 he sounds like my husband. I'm only 27 weeks but things are the same. We don't even have a bathroom because he decided to renovate it 6 months ago then got bored. He just sits on his PlayStation after work and leaves everything to me. Plus his parents think he's the golden boy.

I sympathise with you.

mamapoppins23 Sat 21-Nov-15 13:14:43

Hi Trace, my partner would never dream of saying or acting anything like that, towards the end of your pregnancy you need to be resting and a loving partner would naturally want to care for you and bump on the way. You need to be resting, your not lazy, your carrying a child, and his as well. My partner is responsible and trustworthy hun, naturally he should care about the baby and want to help you anyway. It's half and half in a relationship.

sepa Sat 21-Nov-15 13:24:35

I disagree with it being abusive. I think it's a heat of the moment thing. Trace has said that he is not usually like this so it is a pregnancy related thing. I think that guys get a lot of bad stick during pregnancy and I also think that it must be hard for them. My OH told me to leave at one point during an argument. This isn't how he usually is so he should be allowed forgiveness as I am during this time.

I do think though that you should just say to him that your uncomfortable so you want to get the baby's room done before you get any further and if he doesn't want to help then that's fine but you will be getting someone in. I think that you need to just take control in this situation and just do it. Your OH will have to then either help or accept that you will be getting help

cranberryx Sat 21-Nov-15 13:25:15

I am 38 weeks and believe me, you only get more tired and heavier and will find it harder to sleep at night as well (IME) you have to catch sleep where you can. I have tried to decorate too now that I am off on mat leave but I collapsed in pain from pushing it too hard.

You need to take it easy for you and the baby, your DP sounds really insensitive. Mine didn't cotton on until I had to go to hospital when I was 10 weeks that pregnancy really affects women and you can't just be the same person.

I also went to an expectant parent event at mothercare and they have a bump (it's heavy!!) that partners can wear to understand what it feels like to carry that much weight! It did help.

The 'your baby clothes' comment was horrible though. I would be livid.

pinkyredrose Sat 21-Nov-15 13:30:07

Did he want the baby? The way he describes the baby clothes as being yours suggests he doesn't see the baby as his.

cloudjumper Sat 21-Nov-15 14:30:52

Well, you could ask your PILs for help - tell them you are worried that your DP isn't coping/stressed/feeling under the weather and therefore not up for the job(s), but you are not feeling well enough to do it and that you worry about him - would that work?

There are quite a lot of books aimed at expectant dads, explaining pregnancy and how it makes you (the woman) feel and what they (the men) can do to help.

But yeah, he sounds and behaves like an immature idiot, my sympathies.

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