Talk

Advanced search

Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

He wants me to have an abortion...

(108 Posts)
michelle86 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:09:37

Hello guys,
I've come on here in despair, I've no idea what to do.
I'm a mum of two children (aged 6.5 and 5) I was in a relationship with their father for 9 years and he left us in March this year for another woman and her two children. He is fantastic with our children, sees them regularly but we are without a doubt done.
I started a relationship in august this year with an amazing man who has two children and had recently split with his wife. We fell in love very quickly and were extremely happy.
In October we had a mishap with contraception and I immediately took the morning after pill the very next day - it didn't work and I am now 4 weeks 5 days pregnant.
Since telling him (on Thursday) he has come clean that he is in fact STILL married and he can't have another child that's going to destroy the lives of his children as he fears his wife will take them away from him.
I have no idea whether I am coming or going, I was in love with someone who I clearly didn't even know, I'm carrying his baby and this evening he has told me that once this 'little situation' is sorted it's best we go our separate ways as this has put things into perspective for him - he can't risk upsetting his own children.
I went to see my GP yesterday and I am booked into have a surgical abortion on the 24th November but I really don't think I can go through with it. But can I be a single mum to 3 children by 2 different fathers? Does this innocent life deserve to have a father that doesn't care? Would abortion be best for everyone?
I'm so scared and frightened, none of my family know because they'll think I've just been sleeping with a married man and I'd be mortified if they thought badly of me.
Any advice would be so very much appreciated... M x

PacificDogwod Sat 14-Nov-15 22:13:35

Oh, you poor thing. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

He clearly was not an 'amazing man' and you are better off without him.

Please whatever you decide to do don't do it for him or anybody else.
Seek further counselling and know you are under no obligation to go ahead with the termination at any point in the proceedings.

Is there anybody in RL you can talk to?
brew

Viviennemary Sat 14-Nov-15 22:17:32

Certainly don't have an abortion because he wants you to. That would be the wrong reason. If you don't want to then don't. And the baby will have a mother who loves it and that's the important thing. Hope things work out. Don't worry about what your family says it's not up to them.

michelle86 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:21:27

What does RL mean? Sorry completely new to the mumsnet 'talk' lol
The organisation that deal with the abortions have a 24hr helpline and will offer counselling before, during and after the termination process.
I just can't begin to think straight, I'm so STUPIDLY distracted over the idiot and losing him, the thought of what everyone will think when I suddenly announce 'I'm pregnant' and haven't even told anyone in the family I was seeing this guy, let alone he's a 'happily' married man. I am so against ANY type of affair especially after my ex leaving us for another woman and all this time I've been the 'other woman' and now pregnant by another woman's husband. Will I resent this baby if I Cary on? Will he/ she be a constant reminder of a big mess and heartache...

PacificDogwod Sat 14-Nov-15 22:21:51

"Real Life"

Arfarfanarf Sat 14-Nov-15 22:23:52

Do not be forced into an abortion you dont want.
If he doesn't want to be involved, fairenough You cancan't make him and you'll have to accept that.

If you want to end this pregnancy then that's your choice.
But if you do it because you feel you have to, that might end up difficult for you to deal with.

You don't have to make a decision at once. You have time to talk it over with someone who can help you as you decide what is the right choice for you.

Bananalanacake Sat 14-Nov-15 22:25:57

The 24th November will be the 10th anniversary of my termination, I've since had a baby girl with the right man at the right time, I think about it alot but it was the right thing for me. All I can advise is go for what you want not what he wants, handholding.

Arfarfanarf Sat 14-Nov-15 22:26:43

Sadly nobody can tell you the answers to these questions. You can't see into the future. You can only make what feels like the right choice for you.

UptownFunk00 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:29:27

What do you want?

Financially could you cope?

If you want to keep it and money can stretch then ignore the lying c*nt and have this baby. How dare he lie and make that demand on you! If he was that bothered about not hurting his kids he'd have kept his cock to himself. If he didn't want another child he would've made sure he used protection every time.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this OP.

NotEmptyNow Sat 14-Nov-15 22:33:14

What an absolutely horrible situation you're in. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Don't think about him or what your family will think. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This man cheated on his wife and now has to deal with the consequences, it's not up to you to make this go away for him. I would avoid any communication with him until you make a decision as the pressure he's putting on you will cloud your thoughts. Just think about you and the baby and whether you feel ready to be a single parent. I know lots of women doing it who's children are very happy and stable. My heart really goes out to you!flowers

RoTo72 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:33:40

It sounds like u really don't want a termination. U r not to blame. He most certainly does not sound like an amazing man, he sounds like a selfish, child of a man who manipulated a vulnerable woman whose life was recently turned upside down. U didn't have an affair, you weren't aware he was still married. He had an affair. Sounds like he has had a big scare and wants his little indiscretion swept under the table and it doesn't matter about your feelings. I dint think you would resent an innocent baby that would be yours too. Obviously its your decision, but don't do anything to please him or others. Massive hugs hun, horrible situation xx

michelle86 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:35:21

I run my own business so once I get towards the end of pregnancy and newborn I would need time off but I could get to work again once little one is a few months old again. So money would be tight for a few months but nothing too drastic.
My parents have been fantastic with helping with child care before my 2 hooligans started school.
And maybe once she's come back down from orbit my mum maybe keen to help me again with another one.

RoTo72 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:41:15

Hoping things go well for you. Put yourself first

michelle86 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:43:14

After speaking with 'him' this evening he made me feel like I was a bit of fun that went wrong.
He said things like he's not even thinking of it as a baby it's just a thing as he can't look at it in any other way.
His wife had trouble conceiving their children and I believe had IVF for their first- so he should know more than anyone how precious life is!
He's also taken the 24th off of work to take me to the clinic and bring me home but since coming home and thinking about it, it actually seems like he wants to make sure I go and 'its' gone rather than him playing the supporting father/ friend/ ex or whatever I call him. IF I do go ahead with a termination I can't go with him, I just can't. I can barely look at him right now why should he be there for something that is going to break my heart.
I have to wait until 6 weeks of gestation too so that the surgeon/ doctor can see this baby's heartbeat before they carry out the termination- knowing this baby has a heartbeat and then let them 'suck' it away from me when it could have been healthy. Why would I do that?!

starlight2007 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:44:15

You need to take him out of the equation and do what is right for you and your family.

RL= real life...Is there someone you can talk to who knows you well..Also use the counselling.

How did you feel towards this baby before he told you what a low life he was? Do you still feel the same?

starlight2007 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:46:17

I would not talk to him at all until you have made your mind up...You know what he wants.. This is now your decision..It is your body xx

michelle86 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:46:53

I was instantly shocked and a bit scared but a termination was definitely NOT the first thing that came into my mind but it was definitely the first thing that came to his. I found out at 9.45am on Thursday and was seeing the doctor about a termination at 11.20

PacificDogwod Sat 14-Nov-15 22:49:10

You need to slow down. And breathe.
Don't be rushed in to any decisions. And most certainly not by him.

UptownFunk00 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:49:17

I'd tell him to fuck off and never.speaj to you again. The baby will be better off without him.

RoTo72 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:49:30

It really really sounds like ur heart is not in it. I couldn't imagine anyone going thru that without being 100% sure cos it would not be a decision any woman would take lightly. Sounds like he is just making sure u go ahead with it, then hel be happy to see u on ur merry way. Think carefully, (I'm not advising u not to, just make.sure its the right decision for you. And sounds like u don't think it is)

UptownFunk00 Sat 14-Nov-15 22:49:39

Speak*

NotEmptyNow Sat 14-Nov-15 23:03:12

Please don't speak to this man again until you've made a decision. And definitely don't have him in the clinic with you if it's not what you want. It will feel like coercion.

Arfarfanarf Sat 14-Nov-15 23:22:36

I think you need to tell him to back off.
He wants you to do this because the consequences for him of his choice to be unfailful have just hit him and he is shorting himself.
But this isn't about him and what he wants.
He has no right to frogmatch you to the abortion because he's crapping himself.
Forget about him right now and do what you want. If you want this baby, have it. If you decide not to, let it be your choice not his.

Cheshirehello79 Sat 14-Nov-15 23:59:36

Do what's right for you! It seems you want to keep the baby so I would say keep the baby. Make one last conversation with him that you are keeping the baby and if he's in or out that's his choice.

I was married for 7 years no child went through divorce and then met someone very short relationship and fell pregnant straight away. By then I already made my decision that he wasn't the right person for me - well ended it only a week later to find out I was pregnant. When I told him the first reaction was are you going to get rid??!!!!

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant he's not been involved in anything and looking forward to beanie. Whatever the case it will work out fine !

I'm sorry to say but he's a bast**rd for trying make you feel that it was just a fling! Men agrrrr!

OhIAcheAllOver Sun 15-Nov-15 00:04:40

I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation sad

He's made it clear that he doesn't care about you. Why should you have a termination that you clearly don't want just to keep him happy?

It doesn't matter that the children will have different fathers, they'll have the same mum, you'll love them equally.

Please disregard this man entirely and do what's right for YOU thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now