I can't sleep with worry and sudden feelings of pure panic. Please try not to judge me, I'm aware there are women out there who are infertile. I was told 80% sure that I was one of them. ......until I find myself 5 weeks pregnant.
The trouble is do I keep it? I've been with my partner for 4 years and we're in a loving relationship although there is tension as he still lives at home at the age of 32 and has never really grown up. He doesn't want baby but will support me either way. He is self employed but doesn't manage to work full time so doesn't have a big income. I've been asked why I'm with him and the truth is that he's the most loving caring man I've ever met, which is hugely important to me as I have an autistic 9 year old. .......This is where it gets a bit more complicated. I live with my son in a tiny 2 bed house with not enough room to swing a cat! Financially I get by but it can be a struggle, I work part time.
My son hates babies, they are too noisy and unpredictable for him. He has a half brother from his dad's new relationship and really struggled for the first 2 years to cope with visits to his dad's and constantly comments on how he's glad he doesn't have to live with his baby brother and that I should never have a baby.
So two days ago I went to an abortion clinic to check out my options and find out how far on I am. I was really upset as I thought I really wanted it but scared at the thought of having it and my partner not being able to cope and be a single mum. Anyway, they did a scan and shows in 5 weeks but they instantly thought it was ectopic. I had to have blood tests immediately but wouldn't find until the next day if it was definitely ectopic or not. When I found this out instead of sad I felt relieved.....I'd no idea why! Then realised perhaps I didn't want it so badly after all. I stopped stressing as I was convinced it was ectopic, but turns out it's not. My heart sank when I heard that.
I always thought I wanted a sibling for my son and to have a child with my partner but our unconventional family works how it is, I'm scared my son will hate me if I have this baby.
To top it off my mum's just been diagnosed with a brain tumor.
My partners suggested an abortion as I'm so early on and try again in a couple of years. I'm only 28 so I've got time.
I know people will say u can't choose a partner over your unborn child, that's not what I'm doing, this decision is hard because I need to do what's best for my son who struggles with everyday life and hearing a baby cry sends him into sensory over load and cries. My house is so compact that there's no escaping it.
I just don't think my son could cope and I don't think I could could cope should my partner decide it's all too much responsibility and leave.
Kind but honest words please, I'm already torturing myself enough over this.
Thank you
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do I keep it? Please don't judge
bigbird86 · 13/11/2015 05:07
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