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do I keep it? Please don't judge

(49 Posts)
bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 05:07:00

I can't sleep with worry and sudden feelings of pure panic. Please try not to judge me, I'm aware there are women out there who are infertile. I was told 80% sure that I was one of them. ......until I find myself 5 weeks pregnant.
The trouble is do I keep it? I've been with my partner for 4 years and we're in a loving relationship although there is tension as he still lives at home at the age of 32 and has never really grown up. He doesn't want baby but will support me either way. He is self employed but doesn't manage to work full time so doesn't have a big income. I've been asked why I'm with him and the truth is that he's the most loving caring man I've ever met, which is hugely important to me as I have an autistic 9 year old. .......This is where it gets a bit more complicated. I live with my son in a tiny 2 bed house with not enough room to swing a cat! Financially I get by but it can be a struggle, I work part time.
My son hates babies, they are too noisy and unpredictable for him. He has a half brother from his dad's new relationship and really struggled for the first 2 years to cope with visits to his dad's and constantly comments on how he's glad he doesn't have to live with his baby brother and that I should never have a baby.
So two days ago I went to an abortion clinic to check out my options and find out how far on I am. I was really upset as I thought I really wanted it but scared at the thought of having it and my partner not being able to cope and be a single mum. Anyway, they did a scan and shows in 5 weeks but they instantly thought it was ectopic. I had to have blood tests immediately but wouldn't find until the next day if it was definitely ectopic or not. When I found this out instead of sad I felt relieved.....I'd no idea why! Then realised perhaps I didn't want it so badly after all. I stopped stressing as I was convinced it was ectopic, but turns out it's not. My heart sank when I heard that.
I always thought I wanted a sibling for my son and to have a child with my partner but our unconventional family works how it is, I'm scared my son will hate me if I have this baby.
To top it off my mum's just been diagnosed with a brain tumor.
My partners suggested an abortion as I'm so early on and try again in a couple of years. I'm only 28 so I've got time.
I know people will say u can't choose a partner over your unborn child, that's not what I'm doing, this decision is hard because I need to do what's best for my son who struggles with everyday life and hearing a baby cry sends him into sensory over load and cries. My house is so compact that there's no escaping it.
I just don't think my son could cope and I don't think I could could cope should my partner decide it's all too much responsibility and leave.
Kind but honest words please, I'm already torturing myself enough over this.
Thank you

TanteRose Fri 13-Nov-15 05:15:55

hi bigbird - first of all, {{{hug}} I think you need one!

you have so much to cope with, if I were you I would not hesitate to put your son first in this case.
It sounds as if a newborn would be much too difficult for you both.

you are lucky to live in a country where a woman has a choice in how to proceed in situations like this, and make the best decision for her family and her lifestage.

best of luck in deciding what to do - its your body, only you can decide flowers

ragged Fri 13-Nov-15 05:18:32

It doesn't sound like a good situation to bring a baby into, sorry.
Doesn't sound like caring for a baby would make your life better, iyswim.
Just because it's painful to terminate a pregnancy doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Sorry you're going thru this difficult time.

Make sure the boyfriend is good to have in your life, too.

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 05:28:35

Thank you, I'm so relieved to have such understanding responses. I really thought I was being selfish not wanting it.
I cried and argued with my boyfriend at first that I wanted to keep it but I think it was a mothers gut instinct to fight for it, now I've thought it through though I think I couldn't cope and neither could my son. I've always felt guilt I've not give him a sibling (his half brother lives in Scotland) but perhaps he just doesn't need one. My son and I have a wonderful relationship together and I would hate for it to change.
I have wondered if my boyfriend is right for me because of work etc but he's his own confidence issues from the past that he's dealing with now and his work situation is improving.
Since this pregnancy though and him panicking about my health when we thought it was ectopic he's realised he really wants to be a family with me and my son. But not ready for a baby in the equation too, which I think I agree with.
Mostly though I just don't want my son to have a harder time coping with the world than he does already and a baby would just put too much stress on him I think

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 13-Nov-15 05:29:34

I think it's really important that you were relieved when you thought you weren't going to have a baby and not happy when you realized you were. I think you already know what's right for you. Hugs.

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 05:34:27

Mrsterrypratchett your exactly right, that is what made me stop and think whether i really did want a baby. I think I knew there and then that I didn't really want it but I also feel guilt that I don't want it and worry I might regret it later on in life. I suppose I need to do what is best for myself and my son now though.
Also with my mum being ill I don't know if I'd cope

Hurr1cane Fri 13-Nov-15 05:52:04

Bigbird. I was in the exact same situation as you, but when I thought it might be ectopic, I was terrified and the thought of losing it made me realise how much I wanted it. Unfortunately it was ectopic and I lost it. But the point is, I think the feelings you had are very telling, if you don't want another baby, no one will judge you for deciding to not go through with it, I've been trying since my ectopic with no luck, but you'll get no judgement from me. You have to do what's right for you and your existing family

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 06:04:56

Don't think my last message posted, apologies if I'm repeating myself.
Thank you hurr1cane,it means a lot to me that you don't judge me. It took me 3 years to get pregnant with my son,I'm sure your time will happen soon
Thank you all xxx

hesterton Fri 13-Nov-15 06:17:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton Fri 13-Nov-15 06:17:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 07:20:32

Thanks hesterton that does help knowing that. It's such a big decision and felt quite lost. My boyfriend has said the same thing about my son being more accepting and able to cope when he's older.
It sounds so unimportant but now I'm worried about losing my job as I work in a tiny pub and the landlord has two small kids that he doesn't see much of as he is always working and I've just text him to say I can't come in today. I've only 3 hours sleep and feel I'm just going to cry at anything from being so exhausted and stressed. Now worrying if I should of braved it and gone in.
I worry about everything!

Bloodyhellfire123 Fri 13-Nov-15 13:14:14

It sounds like you're looking for permission to not have the baby. You really don't need our permission. If you don't want to keep it now for whatever reasons then that's totally fine. It's completely up to you and it sounds like you have already decided.
Don't worry about other people judging you and go with what you think is best X

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 13:46:28

I think your right, I know I didn't want to keep it but felt guilty for it and didn't think anyone else would do it either x

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 13-Nov-15 13:53:02

Good luck. I hope everything goes well. flowers

Louise34567 Fri 13-Nov-15 13:55:08

I would say keep it ... the baby can't speak up at this age and I'm sure things will work out for you, through the thick and thin xxx
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Louise34567 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:01:28

I'm sorry, I sounded judgemental right then - I do really apologise for that. I am extremely hormonal at the moment and being much more blunt than I normally would, but there's no excuse for me risking making you feel bad.
I hope you have all the support you need at this difficult time.

PatriciaHolm Fri 13-Nov-15 14:03:17

The feelings of guilt are natural, but from all you've said this doesn't sound like one of those situations where it will all just work out. Your circumstances don't sound conducive to a new baby at all, in fact the opposite. Take care.

potap123 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:03:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

potap123 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:04:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Louise34567 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:07:28

That's such a good idea potap.

WHen you mention you don't think your son could cope, do you think he would cope differently in the future?

SoniaShoe Fri 13-Nov-15 14:08:30

hi bigbird i hope you're ok, its a huge decision you're having to make. i think its a good idea to get some others' perspectives on here, those that aren't emotionally caught up in your situation like you are.

my view on reading your story is that bringing a baby into your family would put huge pressures on you specifically. you would feel guilt towards your son, and would be managing the difficulties your partner would bound to be going through, and all that while dealing with a baby by yourself most of the time (unless your partner moves in). that doesn't sound like a good situation unless you really really wanted to have a baby at this point in your life, which is sounds like you don't.

it doesn't sound like your son really wants a sibling from what you've said.

and you are so young! you have plenty of time to plan another baby in the future (obviously taking into account your potential fertility issues you mentioned)

wishing you all the best for whatever you decide to do. i'm sure you will make the right decision.

Louise34567 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:10:42

I just think the baby's life is more important than any circumstances/knock-on effects. But it's your choice. x

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:16:09

Thanks for the helpful advice.
Louise3457 I appreciate your hormonal, as am I, but yes that comment did give me a stab of deep guilt.

I've spoken to a charity this morning potap for autism, thanks for suggestion though. It did help clarify things by speaking to them. They said that most "normal" kids might be upset but come round to the idea after a few weeks or even days. They said autistic kids can really hit rock bottom though and never really get over this that they find distressing. Especially since my son knows it involves pain giving birth, he didn't speak to me for a week after he found out I'd had blood taken at the doctors a few months ago.
I think given a few years that yes he may cope better. It's all ok saying my pregnancy can't speak up for himself at the moment but neither can my son really.
When he started a new school he threatened suicide as the change was too much for him and we had to sell professional help. I just don't think I can risk my son tipping over the edge.
Also I'll have to be my mum's carer once she has treatment for get tumor, I can't do that with a newborn.
I'd always thought I'd been against abortion but never judged others who chose that option, but now I'm in what seems like an impossible situation and I feel like it's my only option

bigbird86 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:16:49

Seek professional help not sell

Louise34567 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:19:21

Had no idea he threatened suicide, I'm so sorry to hear that.

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