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Possible distressing post re stillborn - need to vent mil horrific thoughts

(13 Posts)
Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 12:50:49

If this post needs to be moved elsewhere/deleted, I understand. It's just something I need to get out of my head...

My mil has previously commented on someone's tragic stillborn baby (38 weeks gestation) as that the mum bought it on herself. She said this to me when I was 7 months pregnant with my second child. Apparently the lady did not rest as instructed. This was on the back of her wanting to look after my child so I could rest. There is a very long back story with mil and we are not close.

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant and we are yet to tell the in laws about this pregnancy as I know she will start with the emotional blackmail that she must look after the children so I can rest again.

I had it out with her at the time of her making the above comment, stating it was a most horrid thing to even think and that no one would ever cause a still born baby, that even doctors don't even know what can cause it. It's just an horrifically tragic thing to happen and that you'd never wish on anybody. I spoke to friends after about it as I was so upset and even they were gobsmacked and one even cried at such a horrible thing someone could say.

I must admit I am scared if it happened to me that she would be coming out with similar lines that I caused such a tragic thing to happen because I didn't rest or let her look after the children. My husband is well aware of the situation and knows how I feel. He is not close to his family, but does feel a sense of obligation to them so does excuse some of their behaviour as just being their opinions.

I am now pretty nc with them (many reasons, too many to mention now), but they do see our children where I am sometimes present. It's very awkward, but civil.

Thank you for letting me get this down plans out of my head and again I apologise of this upsets it offends anyone.

lemon101 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:00:41

wow. Just wow. That is a horrible thing for her to say - there are some people who cannot review their thoughts for appropriateness before just blurting them out!

I'm not surprised it has stuck with you - its a fear that I'm sure most pregnant women have (I know it occurs to me from time to time). Unless this terribly unlucky woman who lost her baby was doing triathlons at 37 weeks however I suspect she didn't miscarry because she didn't take it easy!

Your mother in law sounds horrible and you have my sympathy for being saddled with her. Not much you can do other than protect yourself by keeping your distance as you are now.

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 13:16:11

Thanks Lemon. I was pregnant with #2 when she said it last year, so it's pretty recent. The lady it tragically happened to apparently just was working long hours and standing a lot :-/.

I've actually since met a mum friend that lost a baby at 38 weeks (I've met her since it happened) and her strength is incredible, such an inspiring lady. The midwife sadly just didn't find a heartbeat at her 38 week appt, no cause or reason as to why it happened). She has fortunately gone on to have another child with acute anxiety all through her pregnancy (understandable), but you just can't fathom how someone could get over something so tragic. I think it bought it home as there would be no way I could ever think she could have caused it and thinking that it's what the mil would most likely and sadly think or say :-(.

Sighing Tue 03-Nov-15 13:18:01

It's awful, and it seems to be a factor in why a lot of people are 'off' about the loss of a child or pregnancy. There's an element of 'what did you do wrong?'
I kept this pregnancy a secret for 21 weeks. After an initial enjoying the positive responses I am now regreting saying anything. I'm gripped with fear (no reason other than my histpry) of a loss to which my mum instantly says "but you're doing everything right this time, aren't you?" hmm.
Keep yourself off her radar for now. Can you defer to DH for communication for a bit?

Brummiegirl15 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:23:59

What an awful thing to say.

I've had 3 miscarriages and this is my 4th attempt so I live with the fear of still birth every single day. I can't believe this one is going right.

So if someone said that to me, I'd be devastated and terrified.

But my rational head knows that there is nothing a Woman would do to make still birth a possibility. Doctors don't even know why it happens.

So your MIL has no right to say such dreadful things. They are categorically not true!!!!!

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 13:32:59

Sighing, yes, dh does most of the communicating, but I seem to get contacted randomly when it's something to do with the children or what to get dh for Christmas.

I hope you get to relax and enjoy your pregnancy as best you can, as you get closer to your due date.

Booboostwo Tue 03-Nov-15 13:33:16

Your MIL is trying to control you. What she said was awful but even worse is that she said it in an attempt to manage your pregnancy according to her expectations and/or take over looking after your DCs. I'd keep her at arm's length and shut her down as soon as she starts up with this crap.

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 13:35:36

I know brummie, I've been so fortunate never to have to deal with something so tragic, so it must be incredibly worrying for you and other ladies that have had such sad experiences. Wishing you all the very best with your pregnancy x

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 13:36:42

Booboo - you've got it in one. It's all about what she wants. Our wedding was the same...but that's another story!

welshHairs Tue 03-Nov-15 13:41:28

That's horrible. So sad for the parents who have lost their babies. Stillbirths are a tragedy and are nobody's fault. I wonder if your mil truly believes what she said or if it was purely a way of trying to control you.

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 13:50:31

Welsh, my husband seems to think she just said it as a throw away comment with no thought, but either way - would you really say it out loud? I think she did believe it, but tried using it as a way to manipulate/control.

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:28:36

Sorry you're going through this. My mum said the same thing to me too, I ripped her a new one. I think it's a selfish generational thing and a wish to "distant" oneself - that terrible thing only happens to "bad" people. But if she has form it's likely it's a controlling tool as well. Try not to let her get to you.

Bellejournee Tue 03-Nov-15 18:33:54

Thanks goodnight x

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