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Advice needed on a very sad day

(22 Posts)
Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:04:59

I am about 7 weeks 5 days pregnant today and went in for my 2nd ultrasound as my first scan last week revealed I was only 6.5 weeks pregnant not 7.5. The fetal heartbeat was 104 on last weeks scan, everything looked good, and my husband and I even got ultrasound photos. I went alone for the ultrasound today and the us tech wouldn't talk to me or show me the screen. When I asked if everything was ok, she said she's not allowed to say on a follow up and a nurse would go over it with me. I found this odd and it made me worry. I waited about 15 minutes in the hall for a nurse. I was then put in a room and the nurse came in she told me she had bad news and that there was no fetal heartbeat detected. She gave me 3 options to miscarry, pills, a D&C, or wait. She said I could take the day to think about it and call them tomorrow. She had me get bloodwork before I left as well with the Dx of "spontaneous abortion" on the lab slip.

It was so hard not completely breaking down there. Sitting in the waiting room for almost 20 minutes waiting for lab work trying not to cry with red watery eyes really sucked! I just wanted to leave as fast as I could, I didn't even check out. My husband and I have been ttc for almost 2 years and I'm almost 40 years old. I don't know what to do or what to expect now. I feel like there could maybe be an error but then I think I'm just in denial. I don't have any spotting or bleeding, I've had cramping since 2 days before my missed period just about daily so no additional cramping. I guess if I could have seen the screen it would be easier to accept. Could there have been a mistake? And if not, what's the best way to proceed? Any advice would be appreciated! I'm just so sad right now.

Fugghetaboutit Thu 29-Oct-15 19:06:58

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have no experience but someone will be along soon flowers

Champagneformyrealfriends Thu 29-Oct-15 19:41:07

I am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Same as PP-no advice, just sending hugs xxx

Grizzer Thu 29-Oct-15 19:43:34

I'm so sorry Jp, I understand your denial when you weren't shown the screen. I find it all very strange. I have had 2 early mcs & been to the early pregnancy unit many times. I have always been shown the screen, even if it is to show the empty sac & talk me through it. Even during a 12 week scan the sonographer said they were 'very sorry' (the baby hadn't died at that point but was clearly very ill & not going to survive) & someone else then came to talk to me. I have never heard of a sonographer saying they can't tell you - as sad as it is, that's their job!
I know it's no consolation for you at the moment but I'm now 43 & nearly 30 weeks pg. There are plenty of us here in our 40s. You are also quite fertile after an mc so, as soon as you feel ready, you can try again.

Brummiegirl15 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:44:59

Hello JP, I'm so sorry. Sadly I'm one of those people that does have more experience. I have suffered from 3 x mcs in 8 months.

Firstly I'm so sorry this has happened flowers but yes you do need to make a decision. It's highly unlikely there has been a mistake as they've already seen a heartbeat in one scan and then the follow up scan showed nothing.

If you are worried that there is a mistake by all means ask for a re-scan and a second opinion. But I hate to say it's almost certainly gone. I'm so so sorry. I've been there too many times and it's heartbreaking.

The nurse is right, you do have 3 options. You can wait it out but there is no saying how long that will take. You can take tablets / pessary for medical management or you can have what is known as an ERPC under a general anaesthetic (was a d&c)

I had a natural (at 5 wks) and was just like a heavy period. For my other 2, both at. 9 weeks I had the ERPC. For me that was absolutely the best option. I couldn't bear the distress of being in pain and potentially seeing when I passed the sac. There is a danger that with medical management that could happen.

For me, I needed it to be over. I just needed to close my eyes, wake up and it be over. There was no way I could do the medical management, but it's a very very personal decision and no option is the wrong choice.

I'm do sorry, this will have come as a huge shock to you. I'm 39 and I understand the age fear.

Please be reassured though that should you try again (and you should wait one period before you do ideally) then you've just as good chance of having a successful pregnancy next time round,

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to make a decision and heal

flowers

Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:45:37

Thank you both! My grandmother says I should wait period and wants to pray over me and my little belly...I don't think I want a D&C period, but I'm also praying there was a mistake or somehow I won't miscarry. I don't know how realistic that is but that's where I am right now.

Sourdough123 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:47:44

I'm so sorry too JP - nothing can make it better except time. The same thing happened to me and it was a surreal and devastating experience. Try again when you are ready and know that there are thousands of other ladies who fully understand your pain and what you are going through. I am pregnant again now but I will never forget my loss.

NorthernLurker Thu 29-Oct-15 19:48:00

Ok well given that you saw a heartbeat last week and so were hopeful, I think you need to be shown the screen and have time to ask all the questions you need to BEFORE you decide on a treatment plan. Otherwise you're always going to wonder. So you need to ask for another scan with somebody who is willing to speak to you. You could have more bloods done in a few days too. Falling HCG will indicate the pregnancy has ended and again that's something concrete you will be able to see and process.
I'm sorry you weren't treated with the sensitivity you needed today sad

Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:51:29

Hi Brummie,

Thank you so much! I'm so sorry you went through this 3 xs, it's so heartbreaking and more than anyone should have to endure! I appreciate your advice and know I'm probably just in denial. I think I need to see for myself though for my own peace of mind and sanity so I think getting a 2nd scan or 2nd opinion is great advice. My grandmother suggested the same.

Brummiegirl15 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:55:41

I completely understand that and you are absolutely entitled to ensure you understand everything - and if that means another scan, it's another scan.

But please don't give up, I'm 39 and now 26 weeks pregnant. I got there in the end and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Had all the tests. Nada. Just a shitty run of sadness

But I completely understand that it's this baby you want.

Thinking of you

Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:57:32

I found it this whole experience was handled poorly, it left me confused and sadly hopeful. I had never heard of the tech not talking through it either, and the week before she had. She said because it was a follow up she wasn't allowed to. Of course she didn't say this until well into the scan when I asked if everything was on and if I could see. I'm the type of person who NEEDS to see things! I don't know if I should request another scan there and say that I want to see and be talked through it prior to going in or do I call another OB and ask for a scan? I feel like if I tell them why at another OB they might not make the appointment assuming it's not viable and I'm miscarrying.

KittyandSqueal Thu 29-Oct-15 19:58:19

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you need to ask for another scan for your piece of mind.

Saying that denial is a strong emotion. Even after our 20 week scan picked up 5 anomolies linked to a trisomy and hearing the 'I'm sorry your daughter has trisomy 18' results from the amnio there was a part of me that was convinced it was a mistake and it was someone else's results. Deep down I knew but your mind does strange things to protect you at horrid times.

I'm so sorry flowers

Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 19:58:20

That's awesome, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Jp31 Thu 29-Oct-15 20:02:16

Well it's weird because I've been the reluctant realistic one telling my husband and best friend that it was too soon and before 12 weeks I don't want to tell anyone else or get too excited. Then I had the scan last week. I felt more hopefully but still unsure. At the beginning of this week a calm came over me like everything is fine with baby, it's all going to be fine. I got in my car today though and thought "it's sunny, no rain, and it's warm, what a good day for bad news" and kinda thought, why the heck did I just think that, everything's going to be fine I must just be nervous. I don't trust my feelings anymore.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 29-Oct-15 22:47:39

Hi OP. I have also been there and I'm so sorry you're in this position.
With regards to the treatment, I would have a look at the Miscarriage Association for details for your 3 options.
My missed mc was discovered at 10 weeks and the pregnancy had stopped developing at 7 weeks. I waited another two weeks and miscarried naturally at home. It was painful and traumatic. As it was incomplete, I ended up having to have the d & c anyway which was a simple procedure. If I was unlucky enough to go through it again, I would want the surgery straight away. The labour-like experience of the natural mc was gruelling but worst of all was the waiting for it to happen. Personally, I just wanted it to be over.

Anyway- this is about what you want so have a look at the Miscarriage Association so you can make an informed decision.

I hope this awful time passes for you as quickly and easily as it can. Very best wishes.

DizzyMerry Thu 29-Oct-15 23:32:09

I went through this last month and I'm so very sorry that you're going through it. It's an experience I wouldn't wish on anybody. I found out I'd had a mmc at my 12 week scan. I knew something was wrong from the sonographers facial expressions. She did explain that the baby had not grown past 8 weeks and no heartbeat was detected. She said how sorry she was and asked if I'd like to see my baby. I think the sonographer should have explained things to you rather than putting you through the agony of waiting. I also think you should get a rescan for your own piece of mind and ask all the questions that you need answering.

With regards to the options of miscarrying as pp have said it's a personal choice but I really struggled with this so try to be as informed as possible. Read up about the different procedures. I firstly opted for the medical management as the Dr said that is what they recommend but then I researched this and asked on here and became concerned with the level of pain and bleeding people said this involved. I then asked for the surgical option even though I hate having GA. In the end I miscarried naturally two days before the procedure and I can now say this was the best option for me as I was at home and comforted by DH. The mc board was great and helped me through. A rescan two weeks later confirmed I'd had a complete mc.

Look after yourself and don't be rushed into making any decisions. Thinking of you flowers

Justalittlebitblondie Fri 30-Oct-15 03:08:51

I know how you are feeling - I went through the same thing six weeks ago - I was pregnant and started bleeding - turned out it was twins and I was loosing one but they showed me the other one hanging in there... I went back ten days later and it had stopped developing. The sonographer was lovely - I broke down completely in the little room - I then spoke to the midwife and went through the options - I ended up going for medical management. It was not nice - I can't lie about that - but I needed some closure (couldn't just "wait and see") and the staff were completely lovely...

I am still really raw and it is so painful but it is getting better - I stil cry whenever I think of it all but am starting to move forward.

My thoughts really are with you - all I can say is that whatever you choose it will get better - the pain eases (though doesn't go away and will probably always be there) and you will get though it... x

Jp31 Fri 30-Oct-15 15:29:31

I'm sorry you all went through this, it is so painful and confusing and I don't wish this on anyone!

My family is very religious so my mom and grandmother want me to wait and they want to keep praying. Waiting is definitely harder and I have no idea what to expect and I have concerns with feeling unsure and not having all the information that I feel I need right now to really make a decision that's best for me.

I called another OB office today and explained my situation. The woman I spoke to was very nice and compassionate but said I would have to see a doctor next week first before they could schedule an ultrasound and there prob isn't much they can do. She also said that their techs won't review anything abnormal with me either, only a doctor, and one most likely wouldn't go into the ultrasound. I'm so confused as to why so many are saying it was reviewed with them during the ultrasound. She said I shouldn't wait the weekend and should demand answers from my doctor on what happened and how I feel and what I need to know and want right now. She told me to demand an office mgr if they don't call me back soon because I told her I had already called and left a message for my nurse. She said I can call them and make an appt for next week if I want to after dealing with my doctor.

I took today off from work to deal with this and just try to sort my feelings out. My husband stayed home with me as well, so that helps a lot. Thank you all for your kind words and encourage. Your support and infornation is helping me a lot and is really appreciated xx

Jp31 Fri 30-Oct-15 16:34:55

I spoke to my nurse who was wonderful to me on the phone. She answered all of my questions and was very apologetic about how everything was handled. She said the U.S. showed 6W 1D when last week it was 6W 3D. She scheduled an us at the women's hospital for 2:00 today and made sure they would let me see it and review it with me. If the findings are the same, I have the 3 options but I can meet with my OB in person to discuss them if I'd like. I feel a lot better just overwhelmingly sad. Please pray if you pray for better news today or some comfort in dealing with yesterday's findings being confirmed.

redstrawberries101 Tue 17-Nov-15 20:30:00

Hi jp31, just reading your story. Hope everything was OK, what did you decide in the end?

Jp31 Sun 22-Nov-15 00:26:24

I feel much better this week than last but still healing. I decided to get the D&C since I wasn't having any symptoms and it had already been 2 weeks. I think in the end it was the better choice for me.

redstrawberries101 Sun 22-Nov-15 08:42:10

Jp31, sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully now you can take your time to come to terms and then try again. Wishin totally be best in the future xx

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