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Newly single & pregnant

(15 Posts)
Desperate1 Wed 28-Oct-15 08:57:11

Hi, I really hope someone can help. I'm new on here & really struggling at the moment.

My ex & I ttc for just under a year, fell pregnant in May - & we were delighted, but suffered a m/c st 9 wks in June. It was so difficult to come to terms with but I had my partner for support so I got through it.

Then out of the blue four weeks ago he tells me he misses his boys (3 sons aged 14, 18 & 20) who live in SA, where my ex is from) & he is going home. No discussion. I tried to fight for us but how can I keep him from his kids?!

I'm obviously heartbroken as I thought we had a future. We were also engaged. AF was late this month & I thought it was the stress of the break up, financial worries etc, but I did several hpt this week & all but the first were bfp! I'd be in my element if it wasn't for the fact that my ex had just left me! But I AM keeping this baby.

So my problem is really, 1. Do I tell my ex about the baby?
2. Is there any chance he'd come back to be with me now he's realised how much he missed his boys before?

It's so hard to know what to do for the best. On the one hand, if he abandons his boys again I don't think they'd ever forgive him, so it's unlikely that he'd come back to me even though I'm having his baby.

Also he told me before we left that his kids knew nothing of our relationship & they'd never forgive him if they did because they love their Mother so much. Sounds a bit strange given the kids ages i.e. almost adults!!

I feel that my baby has a right to know his/her father but I can't/won't force him to do something he doesn't want to. He bought a one way ticket so I'm assuming he wasn't planning on coming back no matter how much we loved each other but he left to come to the UK once so he could again. I do want to tell him. But I don't know whether to take that risk or not. I stand to get hurt again if he tells me he's not coming back. And I'm worried he might think I'm trying to trap him if I tell him about the baby - which I am not! I don't want him here if he doesn't come willingly.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated as I'm a bit of a mess right now!

Thanks x

CalypsoLilt Wed 28-Oct-15 09:24:08

I accidentally shacked up with a narcissist; I'm now 24 weeks pregnant and he left/I kicked him out 4.5 weeks ago and I've not heard a peep from him since. Looking back there were loads of red flags and I wanted an abortion at 9 weeks but he talked me out of it.

I have no idea if I have done the right thing, I guess only time will tell? I feel desperately sad that the baby won't have a loving father (which I was lucky enough to have) but I can be/will be a really loving mother. I'm 33, financially stable with a mortgage and a good career. I'm sure I will "get by" but this is not how I envisaged raising a child.

Sorry this probably wasn't much help, but I just didn't want to read and run. You are definitely not alone in your situation flowers.

brookeberry Wed 28-Oct-15 09:28:44

Hello desperate, I think you should tell him. The truth is usually the way to go and you said yourself that you do want to tell him.

You have done nothing wrong. You were engaged to this man, trying for a baby, got through a mc together, and now happily you find yourself pregnant again, It's he who has been torn in two and is going back to SA. But he doesn't know the whole truth yet. I have no idea if that would change things for him (men also can be very badly affected by mc) but it's the truth and I think he needs to know - I also think it's the best thing for you. You can't keep this to yourself forever and I think it's best to share now. Please keep us updated.

Desperate1 Wed 28-Oct-15 09:53:19

Thank you so much ladies. I really do want to tell him because I really do think he'd be pleased. I just don't know if our unborn baby can compete with the sons he has already formed a bond with. I guess I'm worried that he'll think I'm trying to trap him - or worse that he thinks it might not be his baby - which it has to be. I can't even think about other men. I still love my ex too much! Thanks so much ladies xx

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 28-Oct-15 10:01:01

I would tell him but make it clear that you're keeping the baby whether he comes back or not. Explain how you feel but also say that you'll support whatever decision he makes. Do you have lots of family and friends who will support you through this? You're very brave for going it alone flowers

Desperate1 Wed 28-Oct-15 10:42:08

Thanks yeah I will definitely make it clear that I'm keeping the baby no matter what. I do have a fantastic family who will support me through this. I don't feel brave. I feel very scared! But I've wanted a baby for as long as I can remember! Thanks ladies x

Bluebell20 Wed 28-Oct-15 10:58:49

Desperate, I think Palaver's advice is very good, and will also make it clear that you're not trying to trap him. You are in a very difficult situation, but I am sure your ex would want to know about your baby. You've been trying for a baby together, so of course he won't think it's anyone else's. Just be honest - that's all you can do - and see what happens. Best of luck. xx

Desperate1 Wed 28-Oct-15 13:14:29

Thanks so much Bluebell. Will follow all of your advice but I'm so scared of the rejection. I've only just started to heal after the break up & I'm
so scared this will put me back at square one. This time it's not just me I have to think about. It's my unborn baby. This is so hard! But thanks for all your advice ladies x

MrsPCR Wed 28-Oct-15 18:00:03

Why was this man having unprotected sex with you mid-cycle. Why was he still trying for a baby 2 weeks before he upped and left? This reminds me of a colleague whose husband announced during the 2ww that perhaps they shouldn't have a 3rd child after all.

The whole situation seems very strange and I wonder if he is telling you the whole story. He needs to know you are pregnant, but goodness knows what he'll do. I mean he left you in the middle of your 2ww!

Desperate1 Wed 28-Oct-15 23:25:08

I started to wonder that after he left! I don't think he really knew what he wanted. Which wasn't fair on me as I thought we were in it for the long haul. I put my whole life into this relationship.

We parted on good terms and he did leave me money to pay bills and stuff for this month and sent me an email the day he left, telling me he did love me despite how it ended. I couldn't bear to respond. It still hurts too much and I guess that's why I'm putting off contacting him because hearing from him again will break my heart all over again, and today is literally the first day I haven't sobbed for most of the day!

I miss him so, so much but like I say I don't want him to come back just because he thinks he has to. I don't think he actually would anyway. He doesn't do things unless they suit him.

This is so hard. I think the not knowing is the worst thing. I know from the person he is that if I email him he's likely to ignore the email or take a long time to reply and at the moment I don't need the extra stress. He changed his phone number when he left because his sim card won't work in SA, so I don't have a number for him.

Cheshirehello79 Thu 29-Oct-15 00:50:26

Desperate - firstly congrats and secondly I personally would try find a way to contact him and tell him the news. I think you need to stop thinking about you and your love for this guy ( whose left you) and start thinking about the forthcoming child cause you'll need your energy and try not to stress yourself about a relationship that you clearly know has now ended. It's very clear that the guy made up his mind and that's it! As brutual as it may sound you need to snap out of it and start thinking about the baby now.

You also need to think of how you're going to tell him - as he's already left he might think you are making it up to win him back. I would wait till your 12 weeks scan and hopefully you would have had his contact details by then and send him a lovely picture and tell him ( that's just my opinion)

I do hope you have support from your family and friends cause you will need that. Start looking at ways of how you can maximise your income in meantime etc . Have you been to your 8 weeks dating appointment with midwife ? Normally you can discuss things like that and they can offer you support.

Good luck and just remember at the end of the day you will have a lovely baby who will love you unconditionally x

Atenco Thu 29-Oct-15 04:00:38

Oh OP, many moons ago I was newly single and pregnant, but fortunately I was single because I had finally managed to get rid, which was a much more comfortable position to be in. My dd is 30 now and is the light of my life. I hope you have a great pregnancy, etc. etc. but your ex sounds a tad infantile, I'm not certain how much of a benefit it would be for you if he came back.

CalypsoLilt Thu 29-Oct-15 08:41:36

OP we've got a support thread going over here for Pregnant and Single smile

Desperate1 Thu 29-Oct-15 12:04:49

Thank you all so much for your input. I think I now know that I HAVE to tell my ex about the baby. I know it's going to be heartbreaking as I'm clinging to the hope that this might bring him back to me but it's likely that he'll run for the hills. I guess I need to know either way now, rather than a few months down the line. I guess I'm also worried about the fact that if by some miracle he comes back to me and I lose the baby again (which is my biggest fear right now and I'm still not over the loss of our first baby) will he just up and leave again?!

Atenco Thu 29-Oct-15 13:01:08

if by some miracle he comes back to me and I lose the baby again (which is my biggest fear right now and I'm still not over the loss of our first baby) will he just up and leave again

I understand how it feels to be in love and how horrible a break-up is, especially for a reason that has nothing to do with you but you really have to take care of yourself while pregnant and I don't think the stress of worrying about him is good for you, OP. Maybe you could hold off telling him for while.

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