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41, 4 mcs, 1 gorgeous dd (4 mos) should we try for a sibling

(11 Posts)
Belleende Tue 27-Oct-15 21:32:32

Really undecided about this. I have one amazing dd, now 4 mos. She came after 3 mcs and a med term. Three years of heart ache.
Life now is as good as it ever has been, but as I am 41 now need to consider if we should try for a sibling.

For me I think I can be happy with just the one, but I think for her life is more fun with siblings. WE could afford it (just about) and have room (just about).

If I was a few years younger I would definitely go for another, but now we have her it feels like there is so much more atstake. What if we are successful and have twins (would be a squeeze), or a child with a disability. Do I want to be 52 with a ten year old? Does a ten year old want a 52 year old mum? What if another pregnancy buggers up my health?

What if we don't try and are then left with a little girl desperate for siblings we can no longer give her, and we can't even tell her we tried. What if I end up three or four years down the line desperate for another baby.

So. WWYD. Settle for one or roll the dice again?

Bubbletree4 Tue 27-Oct-15 21:35:06

Personally I think I'd either settle for one or try again immediately but with a very fixed time frame - say 1 year - and accept that fate will decide for you.

Bubbletree4 Tue 27-Oct-15 21:36:36

I meant to add regarding the year timeframe that it would be halted in the case of another MC, really due to the strain on your body.

Brummiegirl15 Wed 28-Oct-15 06:55:50

Hey Belle how are you? How is your little lady? Lovely to hear from you.

I'm currently agonising over something similar. I'm now. 26 wks (Christ still can't believe it) and had the 3 mcs before this one .

We are agonising over do we just be grateful we finally got here and stick with the one or try again ?

I'm 39 and DP is 46 so due to ages we'd need to try fairly soon after this one arrives but honestly? The thought of putting myself in a position of potentially having another mc absolutely bloody terrifies me. I'm not sure I could do it

But then I hate the thought of leaving our little one without a sibling.

The age thing really worries me, as it is when she starts school DP will be 50

So I don't know is the honest answer. I feel for you though

Leavingsosoon Wed 28-Oct-15 06:58:42

I think all babies should be born because the parents want a son or daughter, not because thronging their child might want a brother or sister - because you just cannot know flowers

Didiusfalco Wed 28-Oct-15 07:25:58

Gosh OP youve been through a lot. Agree with the pp saying only have a baby because you want it, not for a sibling for dd - she may not be fussed, they may not get on - there are no guarantees. Only you can decide what your body can tolerate with regards to ttc, but i think to avoid agonising about it I would set some parameters. ie. will try for one year only, will stop if have one more miscarriage etc.
On the other hand it seems a shame not to relax and enjoy your tiny dd, after everything youve been through. incidentally was your tfmr for a condition with a recurrence risk? I think this might also sway my decision making. Good luck whatever you decideflowers

Belleende Wed 28-Oct-15 07:49:56

Thanks all. Good point about motivation. At this point the motivation is more about giving her a sibling than having another baby. For now she feels enough for me.
Brummie things are fab here. She is curtently beating the crap out of her play mat and making the cutest noises. I think like me she will be a talker.
I was shocked how quickly the sibling issue became pressing, literally they put her on my chest and I had the strongest urge to need to do the best by her including possibly giving her a sibling. Not too much longer for you now. If you can, enjoy being treated as special, for as soon as your lo arrives you will be instantly relegated.
If we do try again at all it will be time limited. Maybe a year or one pregnancy. I would rather enjoy what we have than chase something we don't and may never have.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Wed 28-Oct-15 07:58:29

We have decided to just not use contraception again and see what happens after this one is born.

I will breast feed again for as long as possible so I suspect I wouldn't be fertile again until I am 42 and then suspect if I do catch I will have to endure more miscarriages before one sticks.

My mindset is to just let nature take it's course and not try and chart cycles or dip sticks to determine ovulation. I think if you can try and adopt a light hearted approach and accept you may have to endure another miscarriage to get there, then there is no harm trying. If you think you can't emotionally cope with anymore heartbreak then I'd just stick to one and feel blessed.

Congratulations xx

Usedtobeaslimshady Wed 28-Oct-15 10:58:55

I have very horrible pregnancies...hyperemesis requiring constant hospitalization right up to delivery and after birth.
Had two med term because of this but eventually gave birth to my only DC. Initially I was just glad I had successfully had a child and I thought I was content. And I was absolutely certain that nothing would ever make me go through that again. DH and I settled into being a forever family of three.
Then one day, the desire to give DC a sibling took hold..and wouldn't let go. I was terrified. But after almost two years of fighting it, we decided to try again. Now I am 40yrs & pregnant, horribly sick, constantly on admission, many times have almost..almost wanted to give up and say I have tried but the thought of a sibling for DC keeps me from giving up for one more day. I am miserable, starved, thirsty, dehydrated, fed up, looking like a bag of bones, bed ridden and feeling isolated and down but I know I have done the right thing. I have no regrets. And I am so grateful.

Sorry to go on and on..but what I want to say's hard to say how you will feel with time down the line.
Personally, I would say go for it. But that's my opinion.

Best of luck.

cloudjumper Wed 28-Oct-15 14:26:59

Hi belle <<waves>>

It's a tough one. I was 39 when DS was born, and then it took us nearly 3 years and 4 mcs until we finally managed to get a sticky bean (I'm now 30+5). Tbh, I was ready to give up and to move on, trying to come to terms with the fact that DS would be an only one, when I got this BFP.
I originally wanted 3. I originally wanted the 'perfect' age gap of 2 years. Etc etc... All that went out of the window.

I will be 44 in January, DS is 46. I'm the oldest in my baby group and pretty much anywhere with baby-related activities, school etc. And you know what? It doesn't matter one bit. We don't mind, our friends don't mind, and DS most certainly doesn't mind. And neither will the baby. Age is relative. We are fit, healthy, we can cope with anything that life has/is/will be throwing at us, just as any 20- or 30-year old. We do lots of stuff with DS, which we have no plan of stopping, activities, sports, trips, holidays, the lot. I have no desire to join the PTA, but that's not age-related, it's just not my thing grin.

Yes, I do worry about DS and DC2 potentially having to deal with the issues that come with having old parents, which has been the main driver for keeping ttc for a sibling - so he has someone else. But who knows? He might not get on with his sibling! I don't get on with my brother, that's just life.
So for now, we will focus on enjoying life with the kids to the max, get them to be independent and self-sufficient as early as possible and try to put measures into place to decrease any burden that might arise when DH and I are old and frail grin

Having said all that, and in spite of as sad as the thought makes me - we are almost certainly done with ttc now. Not because of my age (ok, maybe a bit, since it's linked to the main reason), but simply because I cannot face going through the whole ttc process again, after all that has happened to us. The 4 mcs have pushed me/us too far. I want to move on, enjoy life and focus on what I have, and DH agrees (he did comment that he'll be at retirement age by the time DC2 moves out, so I reckon that age plays more of a role for him).

But that's just me! You need to make that decision - you've been through the similar as me, you know what it's like, the heartache, the utter fear, so I guess one decision would be if you are ready to face that again, fight that battle? Forget about age and all that, it's secondary (at least in my opinion!), if it was just down to that, I'd say definitely go for it - you have lots of time. It's all the other sh*t, you know all about that.

Sorry for waffling... But I was in your position for so long, I've asked myself the exact same questions. I'm glad I kept going, but the price was high, and it nearly broke me.

Belleende Wed 28-Oct-15 15:44:16

Hey cloud I saw you had popped up on the other thread. Did I mention how thrilled I am for you?

Hummmmmm. It's not easy this one. I think the fear of having a disabled child is a real concern for me. I could by trying to provide a sibling, in part so she won't have to deal with aging parents on her own, bring an additional complication to her life.

Oh for a crystal ball. I might park this until after Christmas see how we feel then.

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