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Money blues

(8 Posts)
ThreeBeanRap Tue 27-Oct-15 10:04:09

Feeling crap after having an argument with DH last night. We are both quite useless with money by nature but I really make an effort to be sensible and have budgets in place. We are never going to be massive savers but we do fine, mainly because we both have reasonably well paid jobs. We have a mortgage but otherwise no debt. Because we earn very similar amounts we have always kept our own current accounts – we transfer an equal amount into the joint account and savings account each month which covers all essential spending so are left with an equal amount of spending money in our current accounts.

I am 36w pregnant and came home last night to him all thrilled because he'd been to a physio about an injury and the physio had said for only £350 he might be able to sort it out. This injury doesn't cause him pain day to day, doesn't stop him driving/walking or even exercising, he just can't do as much exercise as he would like at times. It has been ongoing for MONTHS and there is no reason whatsoever that he couldn't have been to a GP and have been referred to a physio on the NHS by now.

I am going to be getting SMP so my earnings are going to take a massive hit. To counter this and give us a reasonable amount of spending money I have saved about £5k while I've been pregnant, DH has added about £1.5k to this. We were supposed to save £6k between us, half each. I have upped my efforts because it was clear he was not going to make his half. I am feeling really stressed about money in that I am suddenly not going to be earning for the first time ever, and we will be wholly reliant on his salary and need to be really controlled with our spending.

Next year is my 30th – for his 30th I took him for an expensive meal at a restaurant he loves, and took him away for a city break abroad. I know he has not saved a penny towards mine and now that I will be going on to SMP we will not have spare cash for him to put aside for it, so I won't be doing anything for my 30th. I have seen this coming for months and have been nudging him about it. When I raised it last night as part of the money argument he said 'but I've got months to sort something'…this is exactly the problem, he sees things as really far away and imagines the money will magically appear. He hasn't thought about the fact that he is not going to have any spare cash between now and my birthday.

I feel like I sound really mercenary and hate myself this morning for raining on his parade – I do want his injury to be sorted out of course, and I want it done quickly and to a good standard, but it's so frustrating that he could have gone to his GP months ago and be undergoing free treatment now. We always fight about big purchases because he gets excited and can only see the benefits, whereas I then have to come in like the strict parent and say well we can't afford that. It makes me feel horrible. In all other respects he is such a fantastic partner, he is caring, thoughtful, supportive, honest, generous, he does the majority of the cooking and at least half the housework, he is just incredibly disorganised. I end up buying all the Christmas presents every year because he doesn't put money aside for it. He just doesn't think about it at all.

I don't know how to have a conversation with him about this in a constructive way anymore because I get angry and upset, and he gets hurt and we both end up feeling shit. Sorry this is so long and pointless!!

Junosmum Tue 27-Oct-15 13:05:34

Sounds rather similar to my OH! At least you've done the sensible thing and managed to save for the maternity leave, we've (I've) done the same. OH is having to put a bit extra in to the joint account but not much.

I've been drip feeding OH about how he is the only person who can save whilst I'm on mat leave and how we can't have a new born in a house if the boiler breaks for example. He's started thinking now, but not actually doing! No words of wisdom, just my sympathy I'm afraid.

ThreeBeanRap Tue 27-Oct-15 14:24:57

Thanks junosmum. What do you do about it - do you bother having the argument or do you just accept that's what he's like? I really hate arguing about this but it is so frustrating to just accept that I will always have to be the one worrying about money.

Junosmum Tue 27-Oct-15 14:54:08

I've certainly stopped arguing about it but we do sit down and have a conversation about it every so often, which results in a few good months. I find that if I work out actual figures that helps, so when I got pregnant I sat down and worked out how much I need every month and how much may pay I'll get and how much I'll have to save to make up the shortfall. I then presented him with that and the list and price of baby stuff and he has done well. We're currently renovating the house and as all my spare cash is in savings for mat leave he's having to pay for the renovation, but ar least he isn't frittering away the money! It's as though if he has a goal he can save, but if there's no point then he doesn't!

acquiescence Tue 27-Oct-15 17:57:15

Is he going to make up the short fall from your earnings? Do you have a joint account for bills etc? I feel somehow responsible for the loss of earnings as well, but actually the child is the responsibility of both of you so surely you should be paying l/losing out equally?

bluewisteria Tue 27-Oct-15 19:24:41

I think asking him to increase the monthly amount into joint savings is the only way. Frankly, if my husband had promised to put away 3k and didn't I would get pretty mad. I would also drop it into conversation publicly with in laws or my parents if his behaviour didn't change pretty sharpish. I'm assuming he would t want family to know he is being a pretty irresponsible husband and father...?
I also don't feel you should be embarrassed about calmly telling him you are deeply hurt that he hasn't put his first financial responsibility as a parent into action, and that has made you feel very sad about your birthday and his effort into celebrating you.
I would also ask where the heck the rest of the money has gone.
You are not being unreasonable, frankly the opposite. And it needs to be ironed out before baby. You are your child's mother, not his, and with all due respect he needs a kick up the arse. Whether it is you or a family member depends on how hard he pushes it really. I suggest you try first, one last time, then get someone on board who he respects and will make him feel pretty shame faced about his behaviour.

Rufus200 Tue 27-Oct-15 19:55:32

I have a similar DH, he earns more then me but has nothing left at the end of the month and he spends it all on himself!. I opened a Santander account with the high savings interest rate and we both pay the same amount into it each month. It pays all utility bills, food and dinners out. We get cash back on direct debits utility bills. We have both just upped the amount we pay in for the baby. If the money doesn't leave his account when he gets paid, then he will spend it. He doesn't miss the money that goes out at all but it makes sure I'm not carrying the household. I've learnt after 10 years together he will never change and will always be useless with money. He has no savings and no pension at nearly 40!!!

ThreeBeanRap Tue 27-Oct-15 21:40:08

When I am on Mat leave he will be increasing the amount he pays into the joint account, that, the money we will save on my commute plus our (my!) savings will give us enough to cover everything and leave us both with an equal and reasonable amount of spending money per month. It is less than we're used to living off though so we won't have spare to waste. He will live to his means so he will adjust to the new amount, he just never thinks ahead about what it will mean (eg needing to save for other treats now).

I have spelt out to him how much he needs to save etc he just doesn't do it. With his job he has a fair amount of expenses so often says he will transfer a larger amount when he gets expenses paid back - but in the meantime will have overspent somewhere else so never ends up having the big bonus money he thinks he will have.

I think the problem is he has a completely false idea of what he spends. He does the food shopping and I asked him yesterday how much he thinks he spends per month - it was way below the actual amount. Or he will say I have this night out coming up, that will cost £30 - but won't factor in his train ticket or food or something. He is just not realistic about costs.

Giving him a hard time about my birthday will make him feel shit, but there's nothing he can do about it now, so I don't know if there's much point. It massively fucks me off though. I think I should have made him up his direct debit to the joint account at the start.

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