Losing my best friend

[Autumnprincess]

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and this is amazing news for me and my husband after I had a cancer scare earlier this year. It hasn't been good news for our best friends who have been trying to get pregnant for the last two years and now are trying IVF. I tried to tell them tactfully and knew that it would be a very sad time for them - we both cried lots - and I promised that I would give them whatever space they needed or that they could be as involved as they wanted to be,the ball was in their court as we could understand how difficult it would be. At the time she said that they wanted to be as involved as possible and wanted to support us.
I haven't seen her since I told her :( she now doesn't respond to my texts. I am trying to give her space but had been texting her (so she didn't think I'd forgotten her) but do I just let her phase me out? I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to laugh with or just talk nonsense with. Do you think that this is what she wants and so I should let her go until she's ready to accept the pregnancy or she herself gets pregnant? I care about her so want to do the right thing but I don't know if that's leaving her or keeping trying.

[Kacie123]

Oh dear. I hope someone can come along with good advice from having been in your position.

However I'm sorry, but from the other POV I think you've said it yourself - the ball's entirely in her court and if you care about her, you can't keep focusing on wanting your fun buddy back.

I'm currently watching 2 friends at work have happy healthy 3 month+ pregnancies while we're onto our 4th early mc.

It's like being stabbed sometimes, and it has fundamentally changed our relationships - I just can't be as close to one of them in particular. It's totally irrational and I hope I've stayed professional, certainly haven't burst into tears in front of them or been mean or anything, but I am having to distance myself as I just can't see them in the same way anymore and I hate who they turn me into.

I can't stop wanting to cry sometimes, or have to wear this fake smile to stop them sending what I'm thinking. When they moan about pregnancy, it's all I can do to sympathise and then walk away without stabbing someone. When they don't talk about pregnancy, I wonder if they're pitying me or something. I can still see their bumps which they hold/stroke without thinking. They are a constant reminder of a primal need I cannot meet.

Having said this like the masochist I am in a misguided effort to be supportive at first I offered any help I could too. I've lent pregnancy books to one and end up being the other's sounding board about miscarriage fears. It's not good.

My best advice would be to back off, stop texting, let her process things, and if possible, be sensitive about things you post on FB etc.

I think you also have to understand that the relationship you had has changed forever. You have what she wants, you'll always be ahead of her, and even if she gets pregnant (and it's an "if" not a "when", please don't assume it will happen for her), it's not going to instantly heal things.

Gosh sorry I've gone on a bit there. Hope it helps and isn't too self pitying... and I do hope you can both heal in the end.

[Kacie123]

Ps hoping someone who's well past this stage has happier advice - I'm well aware I'm too in the zone to offer a rational perspective!

[Brummiegirl15]

I can see both of sides of your predicament. Like Kacie I've had mcs. 3 in fact and the last thing you want to do is to be confronted by other people pregnancies - because it rips you apart and reminds you of what you haven't got. Every time I saw something on Fb I'd unfollow that person immediately as I just couldn't face it.

I was tortured by why were other people's babies surviving but mine weren't?

The irony is now, on my 4th attempt I'm now 26 weeks pregnant and I'm in your situation, my very good friend is about to venture on her 4th round of IVF after failing the previous rounds and I'm painfully aware of how she must feel and I can't bear for her to feel like I did. So I don't ever mention my pregnancy. I still text and email her and I talk about other stuff .

I know it's hard for you, especially after your cancer scare, but for your friend it's distressing and painful. Don't not text her, ask her other stuff. Focus on her and hopefully she'll slowly cone back.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope after your cancer scare it's very healthy, boring and uneventful!

[NigelLikesSalad]

Watching other people be pregnant when you are having fertility problems is so, so hard. I feel for both you and your friend. I had some fairly dark days before, during and after our IVF and I remember sobbing my heart out when I had an email from a friend announcing their happy news. I really had to force myself to speak to pregnant friends, sometimes I could handle it, other times it was crippling upsetting. I remember being sat between two friends, one had just had a baby, the other pregnant, neither knew I was recently labelled 'infertile' and I just cried so much after I left them. It was horrific. They were obviously so happy, as you have every right to be! I was just eaten up with jealousy and grief. It can be very hard and it may be that as they approach the IVF cycle it's just too much.

She does perhaps need space and to be honest in the blur that was my fertility crisis, days merged into weeks pretty quickly so it may be that she's working up to contacting you, putting it off another and so time has just gone on.

Difficult to know what to do, it is hard but it's not about you personally, it's about her grief at her loss.

[MrsBartlettforthewin]

Give her space OP. The odd text now an again about things unrelated to the baby is probably best for now. I've been in your position very recently my BF had a miscarriage and a few weeks later I found out I was accidentally pregnant. All I could do was be there for her when she wanted me and not push my company and expanding belly upon her. We are pretty much back to normal now but its been hard not sharing the details/excitement with her like we have done before.

Congratulations I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

[phoolani]

I think one communication saying you miss her but understand her position now and accept it and you will be ready and willing to resume communication if and when she feels ready. Then she chooses how or if it moves forward.

[April2013]

This is so sad but I get the impression unfortunately it is very common :( perhaps you need to send her a letter or something to say you will give her space as long as she wants and you will be missing her and looking forward to hopefully seeing her again, reassure her that you are not not in contact because you don't want to be but that you assume she would like some space. Also consider your feelings too, this is very hard for you, yes you are the one that is pregnant but you are missing your best friend at a massively important time through no fault of your own and you have had to work that out from ignored text messages which is hard. I imagine she is struggling so much that she can't respond. It might be that any hurt between you just has to wait until another time to try to resolve it. Take care of yourself and congratulations :)

[Autumnprincess]

Thank you all for taking the time to give me your advice and share your stories. I think what I have to take from this is that losing my friend is nothing compared to her nightmare and what she is going through. I think, try as I might, i will never understand the pain she is suffering at the moment and if the best thing for her is that we distance ourselves then i need to do that for her. I wish there was more I could do to help but i will give her the space she needs.
I really hope her IVF is successful and who knows, maybe she'll come to me for pregnancy advice one day and we will be there for each other again in the future. Good friendships last and can wait until things are right for both parties. I hope she'll wait for me too.

[Kacie123]

Actually a final "I'm leaving you alone now" contact is definitively better than going quiet.

However, can I suggest not offering godmother position just yet, and also even if you long to, please don't talk about how hurt you are, not just now.

Imagine that someone very close to her had just died. You wouldn't say after a few weeks "you can help me with mine instead!" or "But I need you to help me through something, and I miss the fun old days."

Both might be true but they could hit some very sore notes and leave her trying to fake something with you that hurts any chance of a proper relationship again in future.

Hopefully in the long run it'll come right for you both. And congratulations (I forgot to say that in my earlier posts, sorry!)

[Kacie123]

X-post, sorry. I do hope it all works out for you both!

[Sighing]

In my experience (my own mcs others IVF) it's really got to come from the person, you can't change their reaction/ choice to back off. Personally I felt my recurrent mcs were my issue to deal with etc and never had an issue with the pregnancies and babies of others, but I've experienced my pregnancies (and this one) being hard for friends. congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your friend can adjust to the situation (fwiw i think those undergoing ivf find the treatment a big emotional rollercoaster added to by hormones being messed with as well - perhaps it takes longer?)