back to rock bottom - facing reality, where to go?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Dear all,
I'm sorry to post again, I'd be sick of me on this site. I think I've asked the wrong questions, reassurance, positive stories etc when in truth understandably there must be women who know having difficult pregnancies with mental health issues beyond their control have affected their children somehow but it's too painful or they think too upsetting to share which I totally understand. Today it feels clear to me that I've been selfish keeping on as long as I have, I was never like this before pregnancy, I don't think I have lost it I think I really am right that my constantly low on edge to sheer terrified mood will have made this child so unhappy before he's born and there's no way of escaping that. There's no way there could be so so many studies on all this without it having an impact or there being a way for it to have an impact. I hugely appreciate all the kind stories from women saying they've come out the other side but I feel certain they must be lucky and exceptional, and not relevant to me. I'm not going to kill myself. The honest truth is that I really really want to but I can't think of a way that wouldn't risk the baby surviving but even more harmed than he is now so that would be selfish not sparing him. If I go to a and e they will send me to Barnet who don't want to know. I've been told I don't meet the threshold for mother and baby units, this is what scares me that because I've got up each day and showered and come to work the doctors think I'm ok and haven't harmed him but I know how much fear and sheer panic have been flowing through me all the time and that it must have harmed him. The gp is kind but the receptionist says no appt til next week despite explaining issues. I just want to go somewhere where someone else can make all the decisions and when he's born I can leave him to be looked after someone better with my husband and I can go away and spare everyone. I have no idea where though. And no more money.is there anything responsible to do now?

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Oh sweetheart. I was hoping that this wasn't you :( I'm sorry you're being let down by the mental health services.

Nobody is going to come on here and tell you that stress /anxiety/depression did their baby any harm. You won't believe me but your baby is safe in there. How many weeks are you now?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Thank you for replying - I wouldn't expect them to it's too painful a thing to do or ask for but I just mean I know there will of course be many out there and been naive to think differently. 37 weeks and wish wish wish could believe you but just can't see why so many studies on it if not an issue? Things about cortisol about fetal programming about the hpa axis about a million things I don't understand but which sound scientific and come from good universities like King's and Princeton and Cambridge and terrify me. Been so weak and childish carrying on.

[ScarlettDarling]

You aren't weak, or childish. You are definitely suffering from anxiety and depression though. You need help now. You need to start on anti depressants, and don't say that you can't because you are pregnant, because you CAN. As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I can't advise you strongly enough to start on some kind of medication. It doesn't take all your worries away, it helps you to be rational and stop obsessing.

What you need to do is to hand over responsibility to those people who are, at the minute, more rational than you are. I can promise you that your worries are unfounded and irrational. But honestly, when you are suffering from anxiety, seeking reassurance is possibly the worst thing you can do. It sometimes helps for a short while, but then the reassurance fades and you need to seek more, and you soon become reliant on such reassurance as a coping strategy.

You need to get to your gp today, and I promise you that they WILL see you if you tell them that you are desperate. Say those exact words..."I'm desperate. I need to see the gp today. I'm frightened of what I might do otherwise." They will see you.

You really need to do something today. You sound tortured and terrified and you don't need to feel like this. Get to the doctor. Start on the ADs today and start taking control.

Sending you every good wish in the world. I know you don't believe it now but I promise you, once you allow people to help, things will get better xxx

[creamoftomato]

Sleepless,

I've been following your posts for weeks now but haven't posted anything before. We are similarly pregnant and I am also at UCH. I wanted just to let you know that even past all the people that are posting here to try to reassure you there are still more who are reading and quietly rooting for you and your family.

You are 37 weeks now - almost, almost there. This is the very final push, the very last mountain to climb. I don't think you are weak or childish, I think you are strong and intelligent, and just now, temporarily in the grip of an illness. I think that just like lots of illnesses in pregnancy, it's making you unwell, but that your baby is protected and safe inside you. Very, very soon, your baby will be protected and safe and in your arms, and your family will be able to help you carry them and share responsibility for them.

What are you doing today? Are you on maternity leave from work yet?

[hairbrushbedhair]

Hi sleepless I dropped off your other thread and couldn't find it on the app ( im not great at technology) so was hoping it would come up on active chat when I was online again.

You NEED the mum and baby unit. Your where I was when I was admitted. Would you be up to contacting MIND and asking if someone can advocate for you? Please just be honest with the professionals, book an emergency appt, tell your midwife. You will probably be flagged up to social services (but that doesn't mean you lose your baby just that you'll be monitored, I think in my case it may actually have been a social worker who did my referral to the MBU)

Iv told you how my son was fine. He is. I have been having some concerns about his behaviour lately and have a thread going about it. But I'm 3 years on to be able to feel I didn't harm him with anxiety in pregnancy and whatever's going on is SO mild that its unnoticeable to anyone but me and his dad currently without us pointing it out. My son is ahead on all his development apart from just one area im concerned over. I did the m-chat test yesterday and fact files... My son comes out as very low risk and whatever is going on I know it is fixable - and far more likely to stem from the upheaval he's had to cope with in his short life than my pregnancy (recent bereavement of his grandad, DH and I seperating, Me having a cancer scare and biopsies) Im pretty sure it's going to be Ok with my son. Most of all though, he's happy. He's hard work and highly strung atm, but he was the most chilled out baby.

I have NO regrets about bringing him into the world (I don't think you'll regret giving life to your baby either even though it feels like your probably bringing someone into the world to suffer, from the beginning you see that babies "enjoy" their life)

It's going to be ok. It only "feels" like it won't be

[CloudAtlas81]

Hi there,

Perhaps a different perspective will help?

My mum suffered from bipolar and anxiety throughout her life, including her pregnancies. She also smoked and drank, was beaten up numerous times by my alcoholic father and had a very difficult time of it.

I am a well functioning, 34 year old who is happy. I didn't always have a straightforward childhood but I am so glad I was born and have dedicated my career to helping others - all because of my mum. There will have been times in my mum's pregnancy where she feared for her life, she was hospitalised due to the beatings she received . . . God knows how much fear and panic must have coursed through her and me! Yet, here I am. So grateful to her and proud to be her daughter.

I know your story is different to my mum's, But it sounds like the base facts- a pregnancy plagued with mental health difficulties and anxiety might have been the same.

I learnt so much from my mum and her struggles. I never judge, have the patience of a saint and I strive for contentment ....all down to her.

Hope this helps.....

[sepa]

This is such a horrible place for you to be in. I can't believe that you are not being treated by the national health service. I assume that you don't have the funds to check yourself into a private rehab facility?

Dealing with all this on top of being pregnant must be a very difficult situation and you are a very strong person for getting through this far.

You need to start discussing with your GP about getting the right medication after your baby is born and hit it hard. I do not think your baby will be better looked after than by his mumma, so you need to try and work on being the best one you can be. You have already shown how much love you have for your child by thinking about him.

I wish I could offer you more for support but not being in the mental health world I do not know best ways to seek the help you need xx

[hairbrushbedhair]

Meant to say,

There will be health issues with your baby. There is with everyone's.

My DS had suspected asthma for a while, had excema, has reflux issues, yadda yadda. So did my cousins baby and she sailed happily through pregnancy.

I have a friend who's DD had delayed speech, another who's got 2 DS' who are clearly very delayed and will likely get ASD diagnosis' - these 2 friends say they loved pregnancy.

Clearly none of these issues happened due to anxiety in pregnancy. It's just part of having a child (frustratingly) that most children do have some issue or other during their childhood. You'll never be able to tell in truth if something is wrong whether it would just have happened anyway.

It's just the nature of the illness that it tries to convince you it could only happen down to you being at fault

37 weeks is SO close. Do you have your hospital bag packed?

What do you have left to get ready for the baby?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Thanks so much for all your replies, means so much. Have tried gp again and they are calling back. In fairness am not really suicidal so not going to say I am but do hope can get some time with him as I think he will help. At five I have an appt with my counsellor and dh is coming, can hang on til then.
Cream - thank you so much for your kind words. Rally hope you're doing well, start mat leave tomorrow.
Sepa - wish had that kind of money!!!! Thanks for your support, do have Prozac lined up for straight after birth so praying that works!!
Cloud - thank you so much for sharing that. You, and your mum, sound like total heroes, that was kind and brave to share on here, I really appreciate it.
Hairbrush - really wish you didn't as know what it means you've been through but you understand all this so well. So sorry things tricky at no with ds but you're right, if he's happy then that is all that matters, that's all I want for my son. I had no idea you'd been through so much recently - you are so so compassionate to find time to support others on top of all of that.
Thank you all, so so kind, hoping can get somewhere with my session today. Calmed down a bit now, sometimes feels impossible, now feels hellish but block able.

[PerspicaciaTick]

sleepless, you aren't childish or weak or naive at all. You are coping with a pregnancy (which is a huge thing on it's own) and an overwhelming illness. You are brave enough to ask for help, to seek out support when you recognise you are struggling, and you are getting through this day by day. You are doing everything that you can and should be at this stage.
I hope your session is useful, and that your GP is able to see you soon.

[Fuzzyduck21]

Sorry you are feeling this way today. You know I know how you are feeling.

I know this is controversial and not necessarily the answer but have they offered you a sweep to get things going a bit quicker and so they are able to get baby born and u on meds quicker? They offered this to me but I ended up being induced for other reasons anyway so didn't end up going down that road. xxx

[Embolio]

Hi sleepless I know I've posted on your threads before but just wanted to send you some love and support.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit calmer now, was so worried and sorry to see how desperate you were feeling in your OP. I do think you need to be honest with your GP about how you have been feeling - it's hard to say it, I know, but even if you know you don't intend to act on them it does sound like you are having suicidal thoughts and I think the GP and your counsellor need to know this.

Do you think you might reconsider starting your AD's before the baby arrives?

You are in no way weak or childish- you have been incredibly strong in getting this far, feeling how you do. You absolutely will come through the other side and get yourself back. I was terrified of never feeling normal or like myself again, but I did and I'm not special or exceptional in any way, just a normal woman.

My DS is 3 now and he is a joy. He was unsettled as a newborn and had bad reflux but no other issues.

[InFrance2014]

Hi sleepless, here to give you another perspective. You baby is now at term, fully developed, and it's only a brief matter of time until you meet him, and you'll realise he is perfect and only needs you to be there for him as his unique, precious mummy.
I've said before, your anxieties are obviously something you've dealt with before pregnancy, but your current fears are all because you love him so very much. You are already a good mum
There is really an astronomically small chance he will be affected in any discernible way by your stress levels in the way you are frightened of. What is VASTLY more impactful on the health and well-being of babies is how they are actively treated in the first year of life. You love him so much already, and you will be caring for him from day one once he's here. Focus on this if you can.

Lastly, in your current situation, can you request a ELCS, given you are now at term? I believe that once the baby is here, your perspective will change significantly.
[although I agree that you need to have full and continuing support after the birth too - the enormous tiredness/emotions from giving birth and early weeks of sleep deprivation is hard enough to deal with without your extra stress levels.].

Good luck

[LadyStark]

Sorry you're going through this, you're so close now, hang on in there. Would they consider inducing you early so they can start you on meds ASAP?

Be really upfront with your GP/midwife and see what they would recommend.

[Fugghetaboutit]

Hi Sleepless, sorry you're still suffering and no one is helping.

I'm also due to give both at Barnet. Would love to meet up if you need someone neutral to talk to, I can pm you and see if you're near me.

I don't think anyone can help saying their child turned out fine even though they're just being reassuring and kind. You cannot be persuaded and I see that.

Have you tried the IAPT for counselling? Please pm me if you want to meet up and talk anytime x

[Hunterschicken]

Hi sleepless. I've not posted before but have read your threads. They have really struck a chord with me as what you are going through is so similar to what my sister has been going through. In fact I had a moment of thinking you might actually be my sister, as your anxiety comes across in such a similar way, and she is also a brave, intelligent woman, and she was also pregnant.

I say was, as she is now the proud mummy of a bouncing 4 week old boy, who is healthy and happy. And more importantly, she is also happy and healthy, and all the crippling anxiety that she was suffering has gone, replaced of course by the normal exhaustion of a newborn baby!

She was very similar to you, had an anxious episode at the beginning of her pregnancy, which transferred to being anxious about the anxiety itself. I wish I could help you. I wish I could have helped her, but as many have said, the reassurances do just feed the problem.

All I can say is hang on in there. You WILL feel better after this baby arrives. You WILL feel normal again. You will be a fantastic mother and your baby will be fine. Keep going to the gp to get as much help as possible to get you through the next few weeks. My sister was offered early induction at 38 weeks due to her anxiety, press to see if they will do this to get your torment over with sooner so you can start to enjoy life again and your lovely baby.

Much love

[Fugghetaboutit]

I hope the same; that after birth Sleepless will get a rush of hormones that replace the anxiety. She deserves to be happy after all this

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Dear all, you're so so kind and I appreciate your messages so so much. Thank you. Just had ninety minute therapy session with husband and therapist and agreed not using this site very constructively - you're all so kind but I keep rehashing old ground instead of drawing on my own resources and reassuring myself. Have agreed to let dh change password so can't log in for a while until baby born at which point will let you all know how am doing and really hope all is good! You have been so so kind and i appreciate it so very very much - from the bottom of my heart thank you xxxx

[sepa]

How did you get on at the GP? I hope they have listened to you and you are on the way of getting some help

[Fugghetaboutit]

I think that's a good idea. Good luck Sleepless X

[KittyandTeal]

I just wanted to say good luck lovely. You've had a really tough time but you WILL get through it.

You are a wonderful strong woman.

I'll be thinking of you x

[hairbrushbedhair]

Good idea sleepless

My DH is removing all access to Internet from moment I conceive again (agreed in advance, as it feeds my fears too)

Wishing you a safe speedy delivery and can't wait to hear how scrummy and worth it all your baby son is xxxxxx

[sepa]

I think that is a great idea. I'm so happy that you had this session. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth and recovery. If you continue to be the mumma you are at the moment then your on course to be a fantastic mumma xx

[Hunterschicken]

Good idea. Looking. Forward to hearing all about your lovely new baby soon. Good luck

[JellyBert]

I know this is a Zombie thread, but I read many threads from Sleepless & commented on them (name changed). I wonder how she is getting on from time to time - does anybody know?

(Sorry if this seems a bit stalkerish, I was pregnant at the same time with my DS)