AIBU (wrong board!) to be narked with my midwife?

[TenForward82]

This is half "opinions please" and half a rant! I'm 19 weeks tomorrow and have had 2 midwife appointment so far. Each time, my "assigned" midwife (I'll call her Joan) has been on holiday. That's fine, midwives I saw were ok, if a bit ditzy.

I did speak to Joan on the phone once and she was really arsey with me - she couldn't figure out if I had had my booking in appointment (I had, it was their paperwork fuck-up) and she was blaming me for not calling her back, even though I spoke to someone in her clinic who told me it was all sorted. Then she asked if I had my next appt booked, but was really rude about it. I've been dreading meeting her, TBH, because if she's a bitch IRL I'm not sure I'll be able to restrain my own attitude.

For the past week I've been feeling dizzy, excessively nauseous, lightheaded, and a couple of times have seen white "flashes" in the centre of my vision. I'm high-risk for pre-eclampsia so my friends and family (even my yoga teacher!) are mega concerned and suggested I call my midwife.

Called her mobile this morning, it rang and rang, no option to leave a voicemail, so I text her introducing myself and explaining my symptoms. 4 hours had a text back "sorry to miss u, I'm off today so can't check you over, call the [local hospital] MCU."

Is she ever bloody in? I can't help but be a bit pissed off that my "assigned" midwife is constantly on holiday, and the one time I ask for help, the buck is passed. I don't mind calling the MCU when I get home from work, but AIBU to be annoyed by this? If not, is there anything I should do (eg ask to change midwife - or is that a massive over-reaction)?

Thanks ladies!

[MouldyPeach]

YANBU. Unfortunately midwives, like any profession, seem to fall into really lovely and caring do-anything-for-you or really can't be arsed camps. Definitely ask to change your MW, definitely call the hospital and get checked out. Look after yourself and get the care you deserve, even if you have to chase after it a bit.

[Havalina1]

I'd be the same. I'm half jealous yo got assigned a midwife though! I am on a "team" and at 40 weeks I can say I've twice seen two of the midwives and all other appointments have been first time to meet said midwife. I hate it.

I've had no 40 week appt as their booking system is so archaic, they were full when I went to make said appointment at 39 weeks... I got referred out to two other clinics neither who could squeeze me in... Seems MW led stuff differs all over the country and is very hit and miss.

At least she texted you back on her day odd though! That was possibly just unlucky. Hope she turns out to be lovely in real life.

Feel better soon!

[Havalina1]

Day *off

[TenForward82]

Thanks both! You're right, at least she didn't ignore me all day

I'll call the hospital this afternoon and try to reserve judgement until I meet her (I've been told I will, anyway) in October. I'm under clinical care for the possible pre-eclampsia anyway, so I think I'll trust them more to look after me than the community midwives (who haven't exactly been on the ball so far!)

[littleducks]

Call the MCU and get checked out as your symptoms do sound a little worrying.

Your MW may be part time (or work full time but only part time as the community MW for your practice and have other roles on other days of the week).

[TenForward82]

Good point, littleducks, but both times I been told "holiday" not "off" so I kinda feel that she's just using up her annual leave!

Another issue is they work in clinic in the mornings and do visits in the afternoons, and as I work in the mornings it's hard for me to get ahold of them when I'm out of work (my boss isn't cool about personal calls during work hours) ... argh!

[RockerMummy184]

My MW only works Wednesday afternoons so trying to get an appointment with her is like trying to find rocking horse shit.
My next appointment with her is due on 23rd, there's a 6 week wait for an appointment and I'm due to be induced in around 2 weeks...

Wrt to her being an arse, my consultant is too! She makes me feel like I'm an absolute inconvenience whenever I've seen her!

Hope you get sorted this afternoon and you're feeling better shortly.

[CarrotPuff]

How rude of her to be using her annual leave, or have a day off!

YABU. MWs are just people, who happen to have holidays too. Or should she give up her personal life just because she's a MW? She did text you back, and told you to contact MCU. Or did you expect her to cancel her day off and go running to the clinic?

Yes, it's unacceptable that she was rude to you on the phone before. But I don't see why you are getting annoyed that she's got a day off.

I hope you get checked over soon and all is ok.

[Pandora978]

Community midwives work weekends as well so she may have today off to make up for that. Bit strange that she texted you back on a day off though. Where I am their phones are switched off if they're on a day off but phone calls are diverted to another midwife. Not always easy to answer though as they're often driving or with a woman but will try and ring you back when they can.

[RooibosTeaAgain]

rant away!
Where I live you cannot contact your own midwife at all in between appointments - you can phone a number for one hour a day (8.30-9.30 - oh so fab, shall I tell my class to have a "break" unsupervised to do such a thing?!) and speak to a random midwife. Mon-Fri only. And they always say see a GP as they do not see anyone in between appointments. So cannot ever contact or text own named midwife. Or any midwife unless 1hr a day 5 days a week.

[TenForward82]

Carrotpuff Uh, calm down? Despite me asking "AIBU" I don't expect this kind of angry knee-jerk response when I'm not on the AIBU board. Happy to be told IABU but you don't have to be so vicious about it.

I don't expect her to go running to the clinic. I'm just a bit put out that EVERY time (and it's 3 times over a 4 months period, not just once - did you even read my OP?) that I've had an appointment with her or needed her advice, she's been "on holiday". The community midwives gave me her number and told me to call her with any problems. If she's not going to be around, they should have given me a different number, tbh. Now I have to search for the MCU number.

pandora also a good point that was bugging me. She's off, but checking her phone (and it isn't diverted to the on-call midwife? What if it was an emergency?). Bit weird.

[RockerMummy184]

carrot are you a midwife?

[mrsplum2015]

Hi, I'm assuming this is your first baby . And I think the system is at fault.....

I remember, with pregnancy 1, ringing and ringing my midwife (on her mobile) when I had bleeding and finally realising she wasn't going to respond so eventually ringing the midwife's office at the hospital instead - and being given similar advice to you. I also saw my named midwife once or twice only and think she had actually left by the time I gave birth - so much for continuity of care....

I don't know why midwives give out their mobile numbers as they don't run a duty system so they would be better just giving out the number for the hospital or midwives office or similar. They can't (and shouldn't have to IMO) be available on the phone during office hours as they have so many other responsibilities - as you've already realised - such as visiting. They should never indicate that their mobile number is for anything other than general queries as they can't possibly offer an emergency service as an individual.

As for your midwife being arsey she may be a nightmare or you may have caught her on a bad day - either way it doesn't really matter. You will quickly work out (and certainly by the time you have your second and subsequent babies) what you need and how to get it, which mostly doesn't relate to your midwife. As she advised you if you have an issue that needs checking straight away ring the MCU directly.

Good luck...

[TenForward82]

Yes, it's my first baby but I don't think I'm being a hysterical pregnant woman here, but any stretch of the imagination.

Yes, I've now realised (as I kind of suspected all along) that I can't rely on my midwife for anything other than box - ticking. Will call the MCU or the peeps in charge of my clinical trial.

[Whoknewitcouldbeso]

Honestly it's really rare to see the same midwife throughout your pregnancy.

My first pregnancy three years ago I did see a really lovely lady initially and then it was all different people, some of whom were really bloody argumentative. When I went into labour at the hospital I didn't see any of these midwives at all.

This time I honestly don't care. As long as they dip my urine and listen to my concerns then I'm happy. I'm under consultant care so I am just following the path of least resistance and hoping this baby will be ok and in my arms at the end.

[TenForward82]

whoknew I actually wouldn't mind if they hadn't made such a big deal in my first appointment of "your assigned midwife is Joan, she's really lovely, you'll see her next time, here's her number, ring her with ANY queries" etc.

[Moodyblue1]

It's a tricky one, I have an assigned midwife who I see for my regular check ups, these increase the further along you are so I have a good relationship with her now but in the beginning I didn't see her much as the full checks hadn't kicked in yet. She made it very clear to me on my booking in appointment that I must call triage or mlu with any concerns and not her as she isn't always available and its better to get advice straight away. I've had HG, signs of pre eclampsia and been hospitalised a few times this pregnancy and I've never once called my midwife. I think they should have made it clear to you on your booking in appointment who to call for what as if your midwife is in clinic or on visits she wouldn't be able to answer.

The holiday thing is a totally different issue, of course she is entitled to holidays it's unfortunate that these have landed on your appointments but as you start to go every 2 weeks you will have a lot more contact with her.

[Autumn2014]

I think it's unfortunate, but not uncommon. Don't take it personally that she's had annual leave or days off on the days you've needed her, statistically she will have been working the other days and seen other patients and she couldn't have predicted that it would have worked against you. Having a bad tone over the phone might have been a frustration in the system that messed up your paperwork
Not making excuses but I'm sure it would help you I'd you start afresh with your attitude towards her or by the time you do meet her it will be a self fulfilling prophecy that you don't like her.

I hope your symptoms are nothing of concern and glad to read that you are well informed about how to obtain support. Don't forget that you can always ask for a gp or practice nurse appt to get your bp checked and your urine dipped if you can't get hold of your mw.

[CarrotPuff]

Sorry I didn't mean to sound angry.

I just struggle to understand how anyone could get annoyed that someone else has a holiday! Midwife is not some different species, it's a job, and every job has holiday entitlement. It's not her fault that you happened to be pregnant over the summer which is the busiest time for holidays.

I do agree that she was out of order for being annoyed with you on the phone. But then as pp said, she could have had a bad day. Does it make ok? No, it doesn't. But we are all human after all.

I'm not trying to defend her or attack you, I'm just trying to give a slightly different perspective. I doubt she is doing all these things on purpose just to annoy you.

And no, I'm not a MW. I just have deep respect for them. Yes, there are some unkind and uncaring out there, when you thing why on earth did she become a MW if she hates all humankind, but most of them are all right.

[Skiptonlass]

I think you can get narked at the system...maybe not at that particular mw. I guess she has to take her holiday. No excuse for being rude though.

It seems strange to me that the number you're given to call is the mw's personal mobile (what if she's on holiday or busy or something, who are you supposed to call then?) where I am you see the same mw (except if she's on vacation ofc and I had that for two spots over summer but I'd expect that.) if you need to call them any other time you call the practice number and one of them will call you back in half an hour or so. Works really well.

Reserve judgement until you meet her but if it's not clicking between you then it is ok to ask for a different named mw. My mw practice madethis really clear at the start - they said we won't be offended if you ask to change, we know that some people don't gel, etc....

I think the core of the issue is that you're understandably worried about the risk of pre eclampsia and feeling a bit adrift in terms of whom to contact over it. That leaves you feeling vulnerable and angry. It is really important that you do have a contact number or team to call if you need urgent help, and this may not be your mw (daft to rely on one personal mobile imho, too much can go wrong.)

Give Joan a chance but do make sure you have a set of 24 hour numbers to call in case of emergency, or you know where to present to if needed.

[TenForward82]

Hi all, thanks for your input, currently at the hospital awaiting a scan organised by the clinical trial people. Hopefully everything is OK! The hospital has certainly been very reactive so pleased with that :)

[CarrotPuff]

Good luck with the scan, hope all is well!

[TenForward82]

Everything looks fine, they think it might just be viral. Feel a bit silly but glad they checked (they were super nice about it).

[Skiptonlass]

Never feel daft for getting checked - they'd rather you went in!

Which trial is it if you don't mind me asking? Phoenix, impro or the folic acid one?

[Seriouslyffs]

You're entitled to time off work for antenatal appointments, so the morning/ afternoon clinic thing is irrelevant.