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When to tell ds (whose dad - my xh - is a bit awful) that I am pg?

(15 Posts)
neutronflow Mon 10-Aug-15 09:22:44

Well, my too-faint-to-be-sure line has turned, over a period of days, into a BFP. I'm going to go to the doc soon to sort out antenatal care.

My question is - when did people make announcements? When I was pg with ds, nine years ago now, I told people pretty much immediately, including work.

Now, it's a little more complicated, and I'm specifically thinking about ds. He's eight, and I'm not with his dad any more (I remarried), although ds sees his dad regularly and often. He's quite a sensitive child in some ways and I worry that if I tell him, and then some point during the first trimester it stops happening, he'll be incredibly upset... but I also worry that if I don't tell him for three months, and then I do, he'll be upset that I didn't tell him earlier (he knows how long a pregnancy is).

I also have the slight worry that I work in his school as a learning support assistant... if he tells his mates, I can just imagine one of them saying, probably in front of the head, "hey miss you're gonna have a baby aren't you?" ... so if I tell him, I'd have to make sure I told work first, or at least, as soon as possible. I can't imagine work will be best pleased; they took me on as a maternity cover, and have kept me on for the next school year. I'll be working in year six, so SATS year, and now, I'd be leaving before the child I support does his SATS. (I genuinely do feel a bit bad about this, but when we started trying, there was no guarantee of a job at the end of the mat cover, and besides, at the age of 38, even leaving a few months before trying could have made things tricky.)

Finally there's his dad, my ex husband. He's not a particularly nice man, at least, not to me, and I could imagine him ramping up the awfulness if he found out I was pregnant. Not for any specific reason, just because he tends to be awful when anything changes (when I got a job, he threatened to stop my maintenance, and when I got married, he had a spate of being especially awkward just for the sake of it... if his son is to have a baby sibling, you can be absolutely sure he'll try and find some way to stick his oar in, and although I can stand up to him, it's not a particularly fun thing to do).

One thing I won't do is tell ds and then tell him to keep it secret, btw, as I don't think that would be fair on him.

Anyone else had a similar experience?

cheezypeas Mon 10-Aug-15 09:34:05

DD is 6 and I waited until after 12 week scan to tell her. I didn't want the world to know and it wasn't fair to tell her and then ask her to keep it secret. She was so excited and hyper, I don't think it occurred to her to be annoyed about not knowing before!

Congrats on your pregnancy!

neutronflow Mon 10-Aug-15 09:35:48

Thank you cheezypeas - what did you tell your dd about being sick and narky* and so on?

*Only if you were sick and narky. I am, but I wouldn't like to assume! wink

yummymango Mon 10-Aug-15 09:38:44

We waited until I was about 15 weeks before we told our dd. As I am 39, I wanted to make sure the 12 week scan results were ok, as it happened they came back high-risk so we had to wait until further test results came back before we were happy to start telling people.

cheezypeas Mon 10-Aug-15 09:47:46

Luckily I wasn't too sick, but I was tired and narky! As far as DD was concerned I had a couple of bouts of 'not feeling well' and she didn't really question it. I can appreciate its probably a bit harder to cover if you're vomming a fair bit sad

neutronflow Mon 10-Aug-15 09:57:12

Thanks yummymango, cheezypeas. It does seem a good idea to wait a little while then.

notascooby007 Mon 10-Aug-15 10:30:46

I waited til I'd had a scan at 10 weeks before I told my dc as I'd had a previous mmc that I'd told them about so it was difficult to explain to them the baby wasn't actually coming. I wanted to make sure everything was OK as it can be at 10wks before I told them

twinsandapenguin Mon 10-Aug-15 10:37:02

I would absolutely wait until after the 12 week scan. Then try and explain the best you can that you waited until you knew everything was ok before telling him. Tricky situation but nothing worse than telling a child that he won't be having a sibling after all.

leadcrow Mon 10-Aug-15 11:22:11

Personally I'd wait until after the 12 week scan to tell anyone anything. I'm sorry to hear that your xh is a total arse, maybe just the fact that you know he will be horrid will help to prepare you...predict the things he might say or do and plan how you will deal with it. Does he have contact with your son? If so will he make life difficult for, or make snidey comments to your son? May be worth prepping your son a bit, saying your dad might find this hard but you can be happy, don't feel too bad if your dad struggles with this, talk to me if you find anything upsetting etc

nailsathome Mon 10-Aug-15 11:42:37

I told exH (dds dad) after 12 week scan. I told him after family but before mutual friends and dd so that he didn't find out on the grapevine.

Mawsymoo Mon 10-Aug-15 11:48:56

I also suggest waiting until after 12 weeks. I don't think anyone else needs to know before then (except the baby's dad of course).

Regarding your DS - maybe I'm naive but can you not just tell him after your scan that you went into the hospital for an appointment to get some tests and they did a scan and you're having a baby (cue showing him the photo)! He doesn't need to know you peed on a stick 8 weeks earlier and knew all along surely? My DS is still too young to understand but I know with friends with older kids they were interested to hear how their Mum knew she was pregnant - lots of questions like "But HOW do you know there's a baby in there?" etc.

New30 Mon 10-Aug-15 12:12:01

I would wait until 12 weeks and tell him you had some news and you had been to the hospital and had it confirmed that you are pregnant. If he queries it I would say you thought you might have been earlier but you don't get a confirmation scan until 12 weeks so wanted to be sure before you told them

neutronflow Mon 10-Aug-15 12:31:40

Thank you everyone.

DS is very knowledgeable for his age (knows all about where babies come from and so on, I have a policy that if he asks about something - anything - I will always tell him, in age appropriate language. He was just five when he asked me "how babies get inside mummies?", that was certainly an interesting convo!) and I do think he would have lots of questions about how I knew, and I wouldn't lie to him, but I do think that the excitement of it all would outweigh not being told earlier, and also, I think he is mature enough to understand the reasons many people often don't tell before 12 weeks, provided I explained it in a non-upsetting, matter of fact way.

Leadcrow he is in contact with his dad and stays overnight often/regularly. They do have quite a good relationship; we have slightly different rules at both houses (his dad is stricter) but similar bedtimes, healthy food and so on. I guess my worries are a bit nonspecific at the moment, as I can't always predict what his dad will do. Luckily he tends to be awful with me not with ds, so at least that's something, but it's still not something I'm especially looking forward to ...

bluishskies Mon 10-Aug-15 13:21:02

If it makes you feel any better, my siblings and I were between 18 and 8 years old when my parents told us that they were expecting our youngest sister. My mother had her 12 week scan before telling us. None of us cared that they hadn't told us earlier because we were too excited about the baby. And we all knew where babies come from. But if your DS asks why you didn't tell him earlier, just say you wanted to make sure everything was okay because you didn't want him to worry.

neutronflow Mon 10-Aug-15 19:32:31

Thanks everyone ... general consensus seems to be to wait... so wait I shall. smile

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