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Mixed feelings and need support!(8 Posts)
I'm 23 and just found out I am pregnant. In a stable relationship of nearly 2 years and am about to move in with my partner (26/M).
I feel I am not quite ready to be having children, I have been accepted to get my second degree starting in september so having a child would definitely disrupt my prospects. My partner is very supportive but I am concerned that he isn't mature enough to understand the practicalities of being a dad (and I'm probably not either!), and that our relationship wouldn't stand the heat... I am already feeling so upset with him for various things and noticing things that worry me about our relationship, but this could just be the hormones!!! I was 100% perfectly happy and wanting a child (but not trying for one) before I actually got pregnant!! I'm from a broken family and really really really don't want that for my child and want to be as certain as I can be that it will work..
Am I noticing cracks in our relationship that were there before or am I worrying unnecessarily because starting a family is scary!!
If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!
I have always thought a womans body is her own and have no strong feelings about abortion but I have strong feelings about women doing what is right for them at the time. I haven't told my mum yet, if she is happy- abortion is off the table. and equally if she isn't happy, I don't want to feel pressured the other way! I am trying to make a decision based on how I feel which is seemingly impossible now I'm pregnant!
Did you have doubts about your partner when you first fell pregnant and did these end up being right/wrong/ just the crazy hormones!?
Thank you in advance!!
You might get a bit more even-handed advice on the pregnancy choices board (in the body and soul topic) but I didn't want to read and run so here's my tuppence in case it helps.
I had an abortion when I was 25 as I was in a similar situation (if slightly older than you) - happy relationship, definitely planned to have children, but wasn't ready emotionally or financially. When I told my now husband I was pregnant, despite him literally having been obsessing endlessly about having children, his face fell and I just knew it wasn't the right time.
I'm now 31 and expecting my first DC and we're both thrilled.
However, that's not to say if we had gone ahead we wouldn't have made the absolute best of it and I'm sure would have been very happy. Life doesn't stop when you have children - you can fit further education, careers and travelling, or whatever you want to do, around it. At the end of the day no-one can make the decision for you but there's also no right or wrong so you need to do what feels best for you right now.
I'd say you need to speak to your OH but perhaps not your mum if you feel she'll sway your decision either way. I was lucky in that my mum was very supportive and non-judgemental but I didn't tell my dad as frankly didn't want or need his opinion - I just didn't feel it would be a good thing for him to know. If you feel you need your mum's support that's one thing, but don't feel you need to involve her in what you rightly say is your decision.
I don't have any advice but wanted to share my experience
I got pregnant 3 months after dh and I got married, we'd wanted to enjoy being just us for a year or so, so it felt like it had all happened a bit quick. We weren't trying, I was just awful about taking the pill,honeymoon period and all.
When I told dh he was happy but did make mention that we'd really wanted to wait. That upset me - I already felt we'd committed to it, albeit by accident - but before we'd had long to process it I'd miscarried. Turned out once we'd been pregnant we realised how much we both wanted it, we tried properly again straight away and now the resultant little boy is lying in bed next to me.
I can't tell you if it's the right time for you, but if you want it there's normally a way to make it work. Talking is important x
My husband had an accidental pregnancy as a teenager and he was 18 when she was born. The relationship didn't last but the only reason I'm sharing this is that I too am from broken family, but not all non-nuclear families are damaging to children...firstly your partner is still with you right now and if you both work hard at it you can make it work...if you guys don't make it don't beat yourselves up and for goodness sake if things sadly don't go as planned, don't stay in a bad relationship for the sake of a child (sort of what my idiot parents did).
My stepdaughter has had a great upbringing, hubby and SD's mum have always been civil and dos what needed to be done. SD is a well adjusted and lively adult now
I was also in a similar situation at your age (slightly younger). I still had some uni to go, really didn't feel ready, plus in my case, I knew things would not work out with my then boyfriend. He wasn't a bad guy, just never could imagine being with him long term (not to talk about raising a family together). I terminated the pregnancy, for those reasons (and others that are not relatable here). I'm now expecting my first, I'm in a very strong, happy relationship. It will be hard work, but this time I can actually envisaged a happy family - not the fear of being stuck for years to come.
I think you need to look at the two 'issues' separately. First of all, the pregnancy. Don't talk to people who are going to be very 'one sided' about it, and guilt you into a decision. You need to take a few hours/days and figure out your own feelings on the matter. There is no right or wrong, very likely the decision you do make won't feel '100%' correct for you, but you have to be as black and white about it as you possibly can. It's OK to be 'selfish', chose your life now to give any future children a better life. It's OK to have the baby, but not stay with the dad. It's genuinely about where you chose for your life to go.
The issue of your partner is also one you need to look at, regardless. Did you see this as long term before you got pregnant? Did you have 'serious doubts' about the relationship then? If the answer is no, then it's probably hormones. If yes...well that's something you need to go through again, when looking at your life plans.
Best of luck
Hi rollercoaster, firstly congrats :-) I'm also 23 like yourself, I'm 4 months pregnant with twins, totally unplanned pregnancy..I had just graduated from uni and started my job 2 weeks when I got a positive pregnancy test. Twins daddy left me when I was 6 weeks pregnant and I felt like terminating was the only option I had, only for the amazing support from my family I probably would have went through with it on my own (and found out I was having twins in the process :-( ). But I cancelled the procedure and now I'm happier than ever, I know every persons situation is different but from my experience there was light at the end of the tunnell. My advice is don't make any rash decisions, and maybe tell your mum- If she is like mine she will support any decision you make xx good luck!!
Thank you all so so much for your support and advice. First time I've posted on here and I am amazed at the response, so thought I would give a little update...
I shared all of this with my SO and he has been really supportive and understanding. I told my mum last night and she was shocked and sad that I will have to put some of my plans on hold, but overall happy for me and excited to be a grandma! She also said that, knowing me as well as she does, she thinks I would regret a termination- which I know I agree with deep down. I am definitely going to continue with the pregnancy and apparently my little bundle of joy is now the size of a lentil!
I genuinely don't know if I would have come to this decision without you all, nothing like other peoples experiences and empathy to help process these things. Thanks so much again!
rollercoaster so happy you've made that decision, I secretly hoped you would! :-) in my experience there were tougher days ahead but nothing I couldn't/can't handle and just wait until you have your scan you'll know you made the right decision :-) best wishes x
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