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Birth certificate advice/parental rights - feeling a bit lost

(16 Posts)
Frillsandspills Wed 05-Aug-15 23:22:19

I'm nearly 21 weeks pregnant with my first child, a little boy! I'm thrilled but the whole experience is completely tarnished by my ex partner.

I was going to put this in the relationships forum but I thought people here may be more understand as I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is a mixture of pregnancy hormones as well as everything else.

My ex tried to force me into an abortion as he did not want a child. I decided to proceed alone without him after him spitting in my face which I consider to be really abusive. He has told me countless times he doesn't want to be around, and when he changed his mind I stupidly gave him a second chance and told him to come to scans etc but he constantly said he just didn't want to. Ok I thought, but one minute he's coming to terms with everything and the next he "didn't want the fucking child" as he has said over and over.
He wants me to wait til the baby is born to see if he wants to be around then, but I don't agree with this. I understand it's easier to care for a baby you can physically see and hold but after his emotional blackmail, manipulation and abuse I want to draw the line somewhere.
This is in no way a petty "well you're not seeing the baby then" situation because I'm pissed off with him, I love him but find him VERY emotionally draining and I cannot deal with the stress. I don't what the stress he brings when the baby is born either, I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and my life with my child.
Today, after him telling me he had no interest in our baby still I told him
I'm going to cut to the chase and not have contact with him as I should have stuck to at the start as he doesn't want any responsibility but he told me he has a right and he'd happily take me to court, although I'm unsure what for because he doesn't want our baby in any way and I have countless messages to prove it.

I'm thinking it's best to not have him on the birth certificate as I don't think he's mature enough or in any way suitable for any parental rights, I don't wish to claim any money from him either I just want to cut all ties and have a happy life with my baby. If I did this, and he did take me to court, would I have a leg to stand on in terms of proving he doesn't actually want to be around?

We're both in our twenties so although young, we're adults and after being together for years I feel like I'm dealing with a completely different person. I've gave him a chance not many people would give him and I know I shouldn't but I feel as though he'd pull the 'I'm the dad' card regardless of any second chance.

He'd be a lovely dad had he reacted well the this pregnancy as he's a lovely person but I've seen a nasty streak I don't want to see again. I'm aware most domestic abuse starts during pregnancy which is why I want him at arms length.

I have told him I don't want my child to have a 'part time dad' to which he replied saying that it's better than no dad at all. He's under some illusion he can be around when he pleases, when he hasn't got anything better to do. He works two jobs and doesn't want to pay a penny, which is fine by me as like I said I'd want to cut all ties, but it just shows he has no intentions of being any sort of father figure.
Sorry this is more of a rant, however I would definitely appreciate other people's opinions. I'm struggling to see whether I'm being too harsh and over emotional because I'm so hormonal, or whether it would be best to actually draw a line here, and if so, legally would I be able if he decided to turn into 'super dad'?

UrethraFranklin1 Thu 06-Aug-15 01:18:45

If he follows through and goes to court, he will get PR and be put on the birth cert, he will also get access. You can claim maintenance through the proper channels. You won't be able to prevent any of this without a lot of evidence that he would be a threat to the child.

It's not about your rights, his rights etc. It's about yours and his responsibilities and the rights of the child, and the starting point for all decisions is that a child has the right to know both parents.

He sounds like a dick, tbh. You have another 20 weeks before any of it comes up. Why not stay away from him for now and see how you feel after the birth? And then find out what his intentions are.

curlii103 Thu 06-Aug-15 04:43:33

Lots of people ask similar questions and I'm not particularly well informed but it seems to me that yes he's a dick and I'd want to stay away from him but it's still his baby regardless if whether his name is on the birth certificate.....not naming him doesn't get rid of his legal rights,.access, csa etc.

Rosenwyn1985 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:43:51

Although he can apply later through court to be on the birth certificate I'd be amazed if he did given his attitude. Especially if he realised he'd have to pay maintenance if he did. So don't put him on to start, save the messages just in case. If he does take you to court just ensure you've been reasonable etc. It's much harder to take him off once he's on there and I'd be amazed if he fought you once he realises the cost (unless he genuinely changes and wants to be a dad which seems unlikely). Not only does he sound a complete arse but aggressive too. I suspect he likes the idea of being a dad but the practicalities of it will allude him even if he was given the chance. Reliably turning up regularly, feeding, changing, not sleeping? Doesn't sound like he gets it .

Rosenwyn1985 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:44:27

Elude even....

dementedpixie Thu 06-Aug-15 10:01:48

If you are not married then he would only be added to the birth certificate if he went with you to register the birth. Is he likely to be there for that?

Frillsandspills Thu 06-Aug-15 10:08:59

Thank you for your help!

At this point I don't know if he would be on the birth certificate, I've told him in the past he's more than welcome but since he jumps backwards and forwards from being interested/disinterested in our child i don't think he should have parental rights purely because he doesn't actually want them, I think it's another way of gaining control over me. He may prove me wrong when the baby is born but I don't think that's entirely possible in the short time between the birth and when the birth certificate needs to be signs

Feline09 Thu 06-Aug-15 10:15:10

My exP has done a lot of similar things, we're the same ages too. The fact is your exP is too irresponsible to be a dad.

In my case I'm not putting him on the birth certificate, but I will be letting him have supervised contact. I've asked advice if he did decide to take me to court over it and been told that his claim wouldn't hold up due to evidence I have, however that depends on circumstances.

Here if you need to talk, it's a very difficult situation

Bluestockings35 Thu 06-Aug-15 10:22:29

Spitting in your face is an assault as well as nasty so you're completely right to keep your distance. And it is true that sometimes men use child contact as a way of controlling the mother - unfortunately the courts don't deal with this very well because they are primarily concerned with what's in the best interests of the child and usually they think that contact with the father, however abusive he has been to you, is in the child's best interests.

However, because you are not married it isn't even possible for you to put him on the birth certificate unless he is present so just go alone to register the birth. He does have the option of going to court to get legally recognised as the father but it will cost him and there is no legal aid for it. He would also then have to seek contact if he wants it - just being recognised as the father doesn't automatically mean contact without an additional court order, but it does mean you can now claim 15% of his gross income as child support for the next 18 years so he may well not want that....

lauraa4 Thu 06-Aug-15 10:42:36

So what is it that he actually wants? One minute he doesn't want anything to do with the baby, the next minute he's apparently taking you to court to gain access. He just sounds immature and a bully. As PP have said the fact that he is obviously mentally unstable and abusive towards you even if it did ever go to court there is no way they would tolerate his behaviour and attitude. I would advise you to keep any texts, emails, messages from him in case you ever need to use them as evidence.

I think you should keep your distance and see what happens when baby is here. As his behaviour is so up and down it's only going to stress you out even more and you really don't need it hassle right now flowers

Frillsandspills Thu 06-Aug-15 10:51:32

Thank you i am going to stay away as I've tried in the past. I spoke to him 2 days about the scan as he wanted to know how it went (I think someone actually told him to ask me about it at this point) and he seemed nice. He came round to see me without any prior warning and seemed to be a bit more interested, then I realised it was because he was high as a kite (he smokes weed pretty much every night). Next day back to not being interested.
I'm trying to put my baby first, but in all honesty he depresses me and i fear having him around will make me a less capable mum and more of a complete mental mess and I think one extremely loving mentally stable mum would be better than a depressed mum and a part time dad.

I'm extremely hormonal at the minute too which I don't think is helping in any case sad

mayaknew Thu 06-Aug-15 11:03:53

Op I was in a similar situation and here is was happened to me .

I was in an relationship with an abusive dickhead and found out i was pregnant . He reacted badly and we split up . I had some contact with him for a couple of weeks mostly via text . Him threatening to take me to court for full custody (as if!) then telling me he wanted us to get married and be a family blah blah .

Anyway after a while I stopped entering into any kind of communication with him as , same as you , I realised it was only when he wanted to talk that we talked , and I could text him about the pregnancy and not hear back from him for a week . I eventually told him not to contact me again he was obviously not committed to being a father .

My beautiful DD is 10 now and he's never clapped eyes on her . And I can honestly say the best thing he ever done for her as a father was to ignore her .

My advice to you would be to stop contacting him and get on with your life . Guaranteed he won't bother .

TheMshipIsBack Thu 06-Aug-15 11:05:17

Track the drug use, especially if you have texts or emails from him that mention it. It'll be one of your best pieces of evidence to limit contact if it comes to that.

Frillsandspills Thu 06-Aug-15 11:08:18

maya I'm glad you made the right decision, he does sound a lot like my ex partner we only talked when it was on his terms.
At the moment I'm really finding it hard to come to terms with breaking up and i know I've got something beautiful to concentrate on but as he uses my Apple ID because he uses my old phone, any apps he downloads go into my phone too. He's downloaded tinder and plenty of fish at a point when he still wanted to see me, so I saw red and was really jealous. But i suppose the next girl will only get treated like shite too.

Cheshirehello79 Thu 06-Aug-15 11:09:21

Hi frills I hear I hear you .. I did put down almost similar post and I have decided...
Since we are not married I will not have him added on birth certificate which means not granting him PR rights. Indeed he can go to Court and request that but if you're saying he's not willing to pay a penny in the forth coming child or looking to be a part time dad will he really be bothered to pay the courts to go through all that ? Additionally; if it does go that way I would disclose to the Courts his abusive behaviour( do keep all your messages)
And ask for supervised contact he will hate that non the less as already mentioned he will have to pay maintenance and with the 2 jobs he currently have- good luck to him!

I would cut all ties at the moment I know easy said then done but the fact that you love him and It sounds like deep in your heart you you are holding on to small hope that you two might still have a chance ( which might be the case) I would seriously start thinking of you and the baby and life without him and don't contact him. I would also keep things to yourself and don't disclose what you're going to do once baby is born i.e adding him on bc etc.

Well every child has a right to know their fathers so I will only contact him once the child is born and give him a chance to come see the baby and then see what happens.

Good luck

We need it :-(

Frillsandspills Thu 06-Aug-15 11:14:30

Thank you cheshire we do indeed need it!
I know I'm holding on to some small chance of him wanting me back and lord knows why because I don't deserve it. At this rate I wouldn't even tell him if the baby was born but that's me being in an extremely bad mood right now.

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