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A bit of advice for delicate situation plz...

(26 Posts)
AmyLouKin Wed 05-Aug-15 12:29:42

I'm going for my first scan next week and all being well, plan to pop little note on Facebook, to let my very small list of friends and family know! However, one of my friends, lost her baby a few hours after giving birth, a little over a year ago! She and her partner have since been trying again but as yet no luck. I really feel for her and don't want to upset her but she will find out eventually and I just wondered if anyone thinks I should send her a private message first or would that be worse? My partner says I shouldn't. I did plan on telling her and another friend a few weeks ago but for various reasons, we didn't meet up! Any help appreciated. I really don't want to upset my friend.

cosmicglittergirl Wed 05-Aug-15 12:33:34

Instead of FB could you text/email/call people individually? Then you're treating everyone the same.

LooksLikeImStuckHere Wed 05-Aug-15 12:35:37

I agree with cosmic. Don't use Facebook, email, text or call the small group instead. Make sure you tell her first though.

loolah83 Wed 05-Aug-15 12:36:51

Agree, don't use FB.

Vatersay Wed 05-Aug-15 12:38:24

Call her.

I became pregnant with twins just after a friend sadly lost her twin boys. I met her for coffee and told her our news quietly so that she would have a chance to find out from me, in privacy and be able to go off for a cry if she needed to.

JanineMelnitzGlasses Wed 05-Aug-15 12:43:57

I'm my opinion I think a text would be better. Check she's at home and has company, if you can. The shock of having an unexpected text in work, or a pop-up in a newsfeed when she's not expecting may be upsetting. I wouldn't arrange to meet her to tell her face-to-face as it could be hard for her to process her emotions. A simple text will allow her to process your news and contact you when she's ready (let her know it's fine to not text back or call until she's ready).

Congratulations too OP!

AmyLouKin Wed 05-Aug-15 12:50:12

Thank you for responding. All advice is appreciated! However, I don't have the number/ email of most of my extended family on Facebook and I feel that still doesn't solve the problem of how/ what I say to her! I'm more than happy to tell her first, out of all the people who don't know. A few people do know already. Management at work (as wanted to explain why I felt so rough), mum, sister and 3 very close friends.
I suppose I could pm everyone on Facebook. Any other ideas? Thanks folks.

Vatersay Wed 05-Aug-15 12:52:12

Email her on FB and ask for her number.

AmyLouKin Wed 05-Aug-15 12:52:45

Cross posts sorry! I had only read 1st 2 when I posted last one!

mamaneedsamojito Wed 05-Aug-15 12:53:04

FB announcements generally make me cringe. You never know what might be going on for your friends/family behind the scenes and I think it's a bit crass to announce such personal news that way.

Definitely speak to your friend 1:1 and if you must post on FB, I'd customise it with the 'except' option so she can't see it, just to protect her feelings so it doesn't pop up in her news feed all week.

mamaneedsamojito Wed 05-Aug-15 12:54:15

Congrats by the way! Enjoy the scan, it's magical smile

DoJo Wed 05-Aug-15 13:12:27

I wouldn't speak to her - she might want a chance to process the information before she has to congratulate you and that's much easier to do with a message. I would message her to make sure she's not in the middle of something and then tell her so that she can compose a suitable response without any pressure. Congratulations to you though! flowers

Purpleball Wed 05-Aug-15 13:14:21

I would send her a private message if you can't call her. Then she can unfollow you if it's too painful

Cnmorgan13 Wed 05-Aug-15 13:56:16

Do it by text or Facebook or better yet send an email. She can take the news her own way, if she wants to cry, scream. That way she doesn't have to pretend to be happy and take her time to deside how to respond

contractor6 Wed 05-Aug-15 14:04:50

Tell her hubby first, after mc I would rather hear things from him, then go and congratulate couple when ready.

AmyLouKin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:01:03

Thanks for the advice folks! It's given me more of an idea what to do.

Mamaneeds- I know (and understand why) some people might not want to put anything up on Facebook. I won't be including scan photos, as personally I feel that's too private. I have a very, very small group of friends and family (some of whom I don't have any other contact details for)on there. It would be far weirder for me to have to contact them all individually, get contact info and then send them a private message, text, letter, since I don't talk to them that way! I'm not super close to some of them but anyone I've bothered to keep as a friend on Facebook, I would want to tell! I don't phone people either since I've always had a bit of a phone phobia! If I had as many 'friends' on Facebook as my brother does I certainly would not be sharing it! I didn't know there was an except option on Facebook for posts though, so I will look into that! Thank you.

Contractor-I don't really know her other half very well and I would be very pissed off if someone did that to me. Told my other half something rather than tell me! Maybe that's just me though!

Thank you everyone for your congratulations. smile It has only taken us 4 years to get to this point! grin

mrstothemr Wed 05-Aug-15 15:41:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with announcing on Facebook, but letting your friend know first is important I think. I'd probably message in the way you normally chat, text, fb pm or whatever, and include, for example, that you're planning on announcing it in a week but you wanted her to know first. As long as you're sensitive to her and give her time to process before she reads (or doesn't) all your congratulations that's the important thing. She may want to talk, you never know, so I'd leave enough time before doing the general announcement. Also, you want to enjoy the congratulations, which would be hard if you're still mid conversation with her.

yummymango Wed 05-Aug-15 19:08:54

Send her a message first a couple of days before you announce it on FB. I think she will appreciate that you considered her feelings and she can process the information better rather than being put on the spot with a phone call or meeting. Good luck, and congratulations!

Topsyloulou Wed 05-Aug-15 21:41:13

Having suffered two mc & had lots of friends subsequently tell me they were pregnant afterwards I can tell you what was easiest for me. One friend I met face to face and she told me then, it was a couple of days before her scan but she wanted to tell me in person. Another friend sent me the most lovely Facebook message, I cried my eyes out but in a good way. Other friends have sent me a text, one sent a handwritten card. It doesn't really matter what medium you use to tell her, just make it personal, show you are considering her feelings & ensure its before anyone else that could tell her finds out. One friend included me in a group email that included the scan photo, that was awful to have to process. I wouldn't exclude her from your Facebook post, she can block posts from you if it's too painful for her. She might want to know when other people know so she can talk about how she is feeling to them. Good luck with your scan.

sweetilemon Wed 05-Aug-15 22:34:45

I can't offer advice because I messed this up myself. Told my closest friend first, as soon as I found out. Knew she'd been ttc as well. It didn't go down well, apparently I was "rubbing it in her face" and told her too early. If I could turn back time I wouldn't tell her at all because it really upset me and I went from being super excited to walking on eggshells. She still makes digs although says all is fine and she's happy for me.

All I'm saying is be prepared for it not to go down well, I knew a part of her would be sad (as when I heard news of others) but wasn't expecting such a cold reaction.

cosmicglittergirl Wed 05-Aug-15 22:40:20

Sweetie, I really don't think you messed it up, you could not have predicted your friend's reaction. I think you telling her first was the best thing you could've done, much better than hearing about it from someone else or seeing on FB. It's a shame her reaction spoilt your news. I guess OP can at least prepare herself.

sweetilemon Wed 05-Aug-15 22:58:59

Thanks cosmic I appreciate your comments, silly hormones, your post made well up- oops lol.

Yeah I guess all I am saying is no matter how much you try and do the best thing it's not in a manual so don't take the reaction to heart.

AmyLouKin Thu 06-Aug-15 09:26:34

Thank you so much everyone! Some very good advice. It's made me feel a lot better, as it was my initial instinct to message her in some way. It was my other half who felt this might not be a good idea! However, he is not always the most sensitive soul, when it comes to emotional issues! So I'm glad I asked on here!
I'm so sorry Sweetie that your friend had such a bad reaction. That does seem a little unfair. It's not like you did it on purpose to get pregnant before her! I've had lots of people fall pregnant before me, when I've been trying and I never would have reacted like that! I guess she was just so jealous, she couldn't control her reaction! Congratulations though. Hopefully everyone else will have had, or will have a better reaction to you and you can enjoy it more! Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your advice. smile

twinsandapenguin Fri 14-Aug-15 22:19:24

Let her know personally first, whether that is email, FB PM or whatever. Just to show you are thinking of her.
I am sure she would want you to enjoy your pregnancy and wouldn't mind you sharing your happy news in whatever way you want

Gingernut81 Sat 15-Aug-15 10:21:21

I was in a similar position earlier this year and having been through a couple of miscarriages myself I wanted to make sure that we told some of my husbands friends before publicly announcing the 12 week scan. There's no easy way to do it, it's always going to hurt (again, I know from bitter experience) but I just felt that we should tell them personally so they had advance warning rather than find out from others.

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