Post-birth....did your parents 'live' with you?

[cazzabazz]

I'm 26 weeks pg and was visiting my family a couple of weeks ago (they live in England, I'm in Scotland) and we started talking about plans for the birth, i.e. that my parents would get a phone call when labour starts and jump in the car to travel up. But the subject of where they would stay came up and I don't know what to do....on one hand, it'd be nice having them in our house so they could feed/change my guineapigs, help with cooking/cleaning, take the baby for an hour or two if I need to rest etc, but on the other hand, I'm worried I'd get annoyed and feel a bit stifled if they were there 24/7. My DH will be taking 3 weeks pat leave and my in-laws only live a 2min drive away (10mins on foot), so we're thinking it might be best if my folks stayed with my in-laws (they all get on like a house on fire anyway). Don't want to risk offending my parents as they'd have totally good intentions, but they can be a bit full-on at times (e.g. I'd fully expect them to get up during the night when the baby cries, just to check everything's OK, plus my DF can get a bit weird about breastfeeding so I'd need to go into a different room to wherever he was). Just wondering what everyone else has done, if you have parents from 'out of town'?

[camembertlovernomore]

Well my DH seems to think his or my mum will move in with us and I gently told him this wasn't in my plan over my dead body but I do wonder if I am shooting myself in the foot and maybe it would be handy to have one of them around but reckon the stress of either of our mums butting in all the time pointing out all my mistakes will undermine my confidence I would perhaps suggest just having them stay at your in laws and then if you need extra support maybe your mum can stay with you for a couple of nights and see how it goes? Sorry if that's not helpful :)

[lilac3033]

My mum cam over from the States about a month after DD was born. She stayed in a B&B nearby. I think mentioning you don't want them having to wake up to a crying baby all the time is a good way to put it.
Saying that my sister had a baby 5 days before me and my mum was straight there. My sister had been determined to not have anyone stay at the house. However she ended up with complications, so my mum stayed with them. My sister was so happy she did.
I would lay the foundations for staying with the in-laws but you may find you want the 24 hour help!!

[Fugghetaboutit]

Fuck no.

[WeePoppy]

I'm having this debate too.

My parents live in another country so they plan to come over before my due date and stay for a few weeks. My in-laws stay an hour and a half away and plan to come over after the birth and stay for a few days. Although it would be nice to have some help, I would rather not have a house full of guest just before/after giving birth. Especially since both mums are full of good intentions but really hard work...

My brother is due to move house (10 minutes drive away from us) shortly before my due date (I am 26 weeks too) so I am hoping they can do B&B for both my parents and in-laws so I just need to deal with them during the day.

[Junosmum]

I can't think of anything worse. I don't plan to call anyone until baby is out and even then there'll be a strict no visitors policy until I'm home . We have 2 spare rooms so people will stay with us but it'll be a one night max sort of thing!

Gosh I sound horrible don't I! I just don't want to feel I have pander to others, I just want to pander to my new baby!

[CarrotPuff]

I think you would find you parents' help much more useful once your OH is back at work.

First weeks with newborn are very hard, you all will be getting used to each other. Much easier to do that without worrying about visitors, even if they are your parents.

I would ask them to come for a short visit once the baby is born, and if they really want to help then come and stay over once your OH is back at work. You will have had time to get used to feeding, changing etc. so will be a bit more confident.

[Whatabout]

Im in the fuck no camp too. This is baby number two and I was a zombie that just needed to come to terms with having a baby for a week after the last one. I was also in labour from Sunday afternoon till Tuesday afternoon so people would have had a long stressful wait. My plan is no real visitors till day four or five and then I will have time limits over it and no overnight guests. We have to learn how to be a family of four more than anyone needs to cuddle the baby.

[Gillian1980]

No, I couldn't bear it! I am close to my DP and PILs and neither set are hard work at all, but I want us to have our own space at home. They've been told we'll let them know when we're ready for visitors but it may only be short visits at first.

[beehappybe]

For sure I would not have anyone stay with us until at least few weeks after when we are all a bit more settled. My DH will be taking paternity leave as well and for me this will be the precious time that we will all be together as a family for the first time.

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

Absolutely no chance whatsoever, and I am extremely close to my parents.

To be honest OP, I think you will need to agree with your DP that visitors to say hello to baby are welcome at the hospital, but then you want time alone to settle in. No visitors at all for the first two weeks say.

My parents have said they would like to come over after the birth and stay at a hotel (we'd have no room anyway). However, I'm putting a 3-4 weeks no visitor restriction in place so we have time to get used to what the hell we are doing.

[Newtobecomingamum]

Gosh if my mum or parents had offered to stay for a couple of weeks when I gave birth first time around I would have been over the moon!! I felt awful when I came out of hospital and my little one had reflux and colic, never slept and me and my husband struggled like hell. We got through it, but if id have had the offer knowing how difficult it was I would have jumped at the chance!! However they didn't offer lol :( they came over a few days to help but would have been great to have them there throughout the night etc.

[ButterDish]

Nope. All of our parents live in a different country. My parents flew over three weeks after DS was born and stayed in a hotel for a week, then DH's parents' immediately afterwards. It was the right decision, I wasn't ready to see anyone earlier, and certainly wouldn't have wanted them staying even if there was space enough. For me, time to figure out what the hell we were doing without witnesses was more valuable than having someone give me breaks.

[knittingirl]

My advice for what it's worth

Only have people who are actually going to help and not make more work for you. You shouldn't be making ANYONE a cup of tea.

If your father doesn't like bf, he moves rooms, not you.

You will probably find them more help when your husband has gone back to work and you're suddenly flying solo. The first few weeks you and your husband will be muddling through together.

Don't have anyone to stay you don't feel totally comfortable with, who you can ask to leave the room/fall asleep in front of mid conversation etc

[Indomitable]

I love my mum, I really do, but no!

What was brilliant, was my mum & sister came down while I was in hospital. They let themselves into the house, cleaned it (it was brilliant!), fed the cat. Then popped to the hospital (40 mins away) for a cuddle, before heading back home (2+ hours away) until we were ready for a proper visit.

It was perfect! I thoroughly recommend it!

[TheOriginalWinkly]

My parentsister flew from NI when I was in labour. They stayed in a nearby hotel and were amazing - they went to the supermarket, did the laundry, and brought us back hot meals when they went to the pub for dinner. They looked after me. But I still wouldn't have wanted them to stay in our flat :)

Don't leave the room in your own home to feed! That way madness lies. Your house, your baby, anyway what if you need an EMCS or have a bad tear (hopefully not) and are in pain? No. Stay put and he can get used to it or remove himself from the room.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

That was parents. My sister did actually stay in our flat but only for one day after I got home because she had to go back to her own children. She was amazing as well.

[Skeppers]

Oh, HELL no! I'd end up in prison for murder.

[paxtecum]

My niece was very secretive about the date of her elective CS.
Told both sets of parents that they would let them know when they could visit - could be two weeks after the twins were born.

Both sets of parents live hundreds of miles away but still in the UK.
Parents were told that the babies had arrived safely, were summoned to visit in a two hour slot several days later.
Within three hours of the niece and babies arriving home, she summoned her mother to come and stay and help.
The mother cooked, cleaned, shopped, laundered for the family for almost a year! She slept on a lumpy sofa and was exhausted.

[mrstothemr]

We had dh family stay with us for 2 weeks when the baby was a month old, but if you've already got a great solution in his parents I'd definitely run with that. I was having palpitations at having people stay as soon as baby was born, would have been way too much for me. It's a special time, I'd go with your gut. Besides, if all the grandparents are together they can coo, away from you, to their hearts content.

And the bf in another room thing, honestly - you would never see your father if you did that. Tiny ones feed almost constantly x

[avocadotoast]

My parents and ILs live very close to us but I wouldn't have wanted anyone to stay. My mum did come round and do some cleaning though, that was very helpful.

If they get on well enough with your ILs and can stay there then that sounds sensible.

Oh, and re feeding - your house, you feed where you want! If visitors have issues with it then they can step elsewhere. Depending on how you are after the birth you might only have one or two positions you can comfortably feed in so don't be going out of your way on anyone else's account!

[MummyBex1985]

Absolutely not!

My parents liked to come and help as much as possible, but to be honest they felt more like a pain in my ass! It's so much easier when it's just your little family.

[cazzabazz]

Thanks all, great advice - nice to know we're not the only ones debating this issue! Our DS is due mid Nov so my DPs could just stay (at my in-laws) for a day or two, then perhaps come up again once DH goes back to work....they'll be visiting again at New Year so plenty of chances to see the baby. Had to put my foot down a few times when we were planning our wedding so will just do the same this time!

[lemon101]

noooooooo - all visitors in the month after the birth will be staying in a hotel.

I've literally just packed my parents off after seeing them this weekend and there is approximately fuck-all-squared chance of me wanting to put up with visitors with a newborn. It was bad enough at 22 weeks pregnant.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

[contractor6]

I'm the opposite, totally expected my lovely parents to come stay, they and DH talked me out of it. They will stay close by and and be on hand for whatever we need instead (ill prob be calling every 5 mins tbh!)