Mum interfering already......(22 Posts)
Help please! How much advice should I be taking from my mum?
I am in my first trimester and from the moment I told my Mum I was PG she has been offering up advice.
- Don't use dummies (she hates them)
- Very negative over private nursery care (she's a state nursery nurse and didn't work which she brought my sister and I up but DH and I have agreed baby will go into nursery from 1year for 3 days a week to allow me to work as my income is good and will hugely benefit our family)
- Insists on taking our baby to baby classes of some sort (which we will do but I feel suffocated!)
- Dont chance baby on floor or I will hurt my back
- Bottle feeding is so much work, I should try breast feeding
Am I being too touchy - is this fantastic advice? I feel overwhelmed and suffocated already!!!
Nod, smile, do what you feel is best for your child
You'll be getting 'advice' from everyone under the sun, but so long as you and your dh are happy about the way you choose to bring up your lo, that's the only thing that matters. What was right for her won't necessarily be right for you, so yes just nod, smile and do it your way!
Your mum will be one of many with an opinion. Just do what you feel comfortable with. Your baby, your decision.
I'm 13 weeks pregnant and apart from my mum telling me that she never looked or felt better in pregnancy right after I told her I was struggling with sickness, insomnia etc I haven't heard a peep from her, not a single text (granted only ten days ago that I gave her the news). I'd quite like a bit of advice and fussing. I can understand it could get too much though so I agree with the nod, smile and then do whatever you like approach. Either extreme isn't ideal I guess :-)
Oh yes, everyone who finds out will have questions, advice and opinions.
Nod, smile and throw in the occasional 'we'll see', 'maybe' and 'hmm, haven't thought about that really' and you'll be fine.
I agree with everyone saying "nod and smile" to an extent...but I wonder if this is easier with friends and colleagues and less easy with family :/ if your mum is going to be involved with caregiving etc you might need to tell her to tone it down, or firmly say that you appreciate her help and experience but this is my child and there are some things I'm going to do my way, sorry if you disagree but it's my final decision as the baby's mum.
I found "thanks Mum, I'll bear that in mind" was quite useful for all the advice. But then DM has a lot of experience with babies (former paediatric nurse) so I didn't want to dismiss everything (but equally didn't want to do everything she mentioned). It was well meaning - and sometimes very useful - though.
There's great power in knowing when to smile and nod OP and hopefully she'll soon get the message Congratulations!
I feel your pain. My sister is the worst culprit. She had two boys and tried but couldn't Breastfeed. Now she seems very bitter about bf and thinks it's weird when mums feed past 6 months and says things like 'you can't see how much milk they're (the baby) getting, I don't like it'. Oh also she said I will have to do controlled crying, there's no other solution to getting a routine, I won't want baby in our room for 6 months, people who don't give babies ice cream or choc to try a teeny bit of are stupid, the list goes on and on and on. It already massively pees me off so suspect I'll have to shut her up once baby's here. She's already made me feel like I don't want to be around her when bf - especially if past 6 months. I can't stand people being judgemental.
Thank you all so much for your replies! My Mum is rather sensitive at times and if I was to say anything it would end in a full blown argument!! I fully intend on nodding away hoping she will get the picture!
Oh that's awful - I hope you can politely tell your sister to butt out!
The other thing that massively annoys me is that my MIL will be 100 times worse - she is older than my Mum and thinks she knows best - god help me !!!
I sympathize, I'm getting this from my mum and MIL too.
If you're only in your first trimester then there's going to be a lot more of this coming from her, sorry op
Do you have a dp / dh? One of the few things that worked when I was feeling similar was to say that yes, dh and I had been thinking about that. Small words, simple reminder that all decisions are actually for you and dp to make. And people of our mother's ages tend to respect the man thing a fair bit I think (sweeping generalisation), think they just forget anyone else is involved! X
This made me well up a bit as I lost my mum a few years ago and she won't be able to do any of the things she'd have loved to do, or get revenge on me for all the things I did to her!!
Not meaning to bring you down in any way at all, so I hope I haven't; I just meant to say, you're so lucky to have a mum who cares, and that thought might help you grit your teeth and smile even when it's really unwanted advice! Other than that, I second smiling and nodding a lot.
I think people are right when they say smile and nod, but some of her advice might be useful-carrying babies around a lot can put your back out and you might be glad of her taking the baby to a class to give you some time, although it's not always easy for someone else to take the baby if you're breastfeeding...
My mum is bad and my mil is so much worse lol I take everything with a pinch of salt, a smile and a nod.
These are women who bought up children in the 80's when EVERYTHING was different lol theyre still stuck there i think. They were genuinely shocked when I said that I wouldn't be putting my DD (now 5.5) to sleep on her front because of the risk of SIDS!
my mum says that she would have a pint of Guinness at the weekend on the advice of her midwife because its full of iron
so I knew from the outset when pregnant the first time (this is my 5th pregnancy, 2nd baby) with my DD that i wouldn't be taking any of their advice not matter how well meaning.... You honestly learn as you go with this parenting malarkey if you just follow everyone's advice blindly you wont learn what suits you xx good luck xx
Smile and nod is my advice. Interestingly, Doublebubblebubble back in 80's when I pregnant with DS1, I had a weeks bed rest in hospital. I was given a bottle of Mackeson every night for iron. I woke up each morning with a cracking headache.
Yep, smile and nod, remain completely non-committal and if they are both likely to be opinionated on the subject DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL ANYONE WHAT NAMES YOU ARE CONSIDERING!! If you want just dh there for the birth I would drop that in to conversation pdq too to save hurt feelings and awkward conversations later down the line...
Agree completely about names... So totally not worth it. Somehow people, especially family, will truly be offended that you don't like their suggestion / have your own ideas. I thought it'd be nice to share thoughts, won't be doing that again
Echoing the name advice! When i was pregnant with my DD I made the mistake of telling my mum the names we'd chosen for boy and girl. When I found out it was a girl, mum's first words were "thank God, I hate [our boy name]"!
Thing is, I'm pregnant again now, and if we have a boy we still like that name...!
All good advice. Nod, smile and quietly do your own thing. I rather like the suggestion of 'I will bear that in mind'. My favourite is 'really' said in a very bland way that could mean anything at all.
I agree about names, I don't know why people give others chance to hate them- just announce once they are here and then it is very rude!
How irritating of her!
Agree with nodding and smiling.
My SIL drove me mad after I had ds - banging on about how I had to get him into a routine, smugly bragging that her baby slept through from three weeks... She didn't mean any harm, but it was irritating.
Join the discussion
Please login first.