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How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

(130 Posts)
Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:00:06

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

Rosenwyn1985 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:07:11

I suppose it's about the child. I've never been in that sort of situation but I Think i would do it. Mostly when baby gets older I'd want to be able to honestly say "I did everything I could do involve your birth father". Maybe he's being pressured by his family or friends, prodding him and saying it could be a trap etc. If he is happy to pay for it I'd do it. But it really is up to you!

GraysAnalogy Sat 25-Jul-15 14:09:52

I think he has every right to to be honest. For us as women it's easy for us to belittle someone who may have doubts, because we'll never have those doubts.

I do find it odd though that he says he has 'no doubts' but wants one anyway, surely that's pointless?

LumpyCustard69 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:11:25

I am in a complicated situation, and will be having a dna test done when baby comes. I have pcos, and it was only a matter of a few weeks between 2 men.
I wouldn't stress too much about it. If you know he's the father, then he should be the one paying for the test imo, but to save arguments, you may just rather get it yourself. I wouldn't take offence by it, he doesn't sound like he's worth the stress. Plus, it can work in your favour to have proof that he is indeed the father.
I have cut contact altogether with the father of my baby (I'm almost 36weeks) as he was such a prick in the beginning. He will have one chance to step up and be a real dad when the baby is born.
Good luck. And try not to get angry. When you stop having expectations of your ex, a weight will be lifted.

Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:11:58

I don't mind having paternity test done at all - happy to do that once child is born but I don't want him in our lives at all now neither his pennies ...

GraysAnalogy Sat 25-Jul-15 14:14:01

That's not fair on the child though really is it. I know it must be really insulting and tbh he's probably just doing it as a power play, but just smile, go along with it and take the gobshites money because it will benefit you and your child and there's no reason why you should miss out because he's being an arse.

Fadingmemory Sat 25-Jul-15 14:14:08

There may be one or more of several reasons why he is asking for the test;

He doesn't want to or really does not believe the baby is his
He is stalling for time
He wants to annoy you
Etc

I would feel exasperated but would take the test. If anything you do encourages him in any way to be involved with his child now or in the future, it is best for the child that you do it.

Good luck!

Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:14:39

Grays .... That's exactly my point ! Hence the word idiot .

What I feel like doing is only consent to government authorised Dna service that's going to set him back almost £500 and since he's a tight a* he will hate me for that !

GraysAnalogy Sat 25-Jul-15 14:16:05

Chershire I would definitely do that no doubt about it. Don't do one of these online affairs, if he wants it he can pay for the proper one

textfan Sat 25-Jul-15 14:16:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan Sat 25-Jul-15 14:19:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick Sat 25-Jul-15 14:20:09

Yeah I would go for the most expensive option and make him pay.

Don't don't go on Jeremy Kyle or anything which he might dream up if he's a tight arse.

Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:22:00

Lol@ Game

RitaKiaOra Sat 25-Jul-15 14:29:19

don't want him or his pennies
That sounds like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face - why? Because he has questioned your virtue/fidelity/honesty?
If you don't mind having the test done, then what exactly has changed?
Your perception of him?
You dumped him. Then you tell him you're pregnant.
He said he didn't feel he could support a child.
You decided to go it alone.
But having told him in the first place and sent scans etc (both of which fair enough) you have asked for his involvement.
He has now said he will offer support...whether that is just fiscal at the moment is unclear.
But it is fair enough to ask for paternity test if you are going to pay maintenance for next 18 years. Makes him into a Steve Bing Eddie Murphy type wanker, but nonetheless he has the right to ask.
So..
Do the paternity test.
Put him on the birth certificate.
Collect maintenance via CSA.
Arrange weekly/fortnightly contact.
Or..
Don't do any of the above and go it alone but 18 years from now, your dc might want contact. shamrock

RitaKiaOra Sat 25-Jul-15 14:32:51

Oh, and belated congrats re your 20 week scan flowers

RitaKiaOra Sat 25-Jul-15 14:35:41

£500 for an official test? shock
Christ on a bike, that would buy a pram.
Look, I know you think he's an eejit, but get it done cheaper if just as reliable.
That's £ that hypothetically could be going towards the baba. And babies are expensive.

Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 14:45:00

Thanks Rita

I will get test done in his expense and official government agency I'll make sure not less than £500 just to teach him a lesson

He's not going on birth certificate on this rate and if he wants paternity he can apply through courts and pay

I will seek maintenance via csa one paternity test done and that will backdate payment so he better start saving

I will make him apply through courts for contact - I won't reject if he asks but not going to initiate the conversation.

This is what happens when men try and boost their ego. I think fading you are right he's done it to annoy me and I'll return the favour

ARV1981 Sat 25-Jul-15 15:09:55

I hate to say this because I am a firm believer that kids need both parents in their lives, but so far, from what you've said, he doesn't appear to be acting much like a father so I think you've outlined almost the best course of action you can possibly take.

You are only playing the same game he is and he started it. I know that sounds petty and I'll be shouted down for saying this but bloody men who think they can get away with making babies and not supporting them should have this sort of treatment. If women just let them get away with it then they will continue to create little lives that have to grow up without a father - why should they get away with that sort of thing?

Apply through csa with or without a paternity test - if he's adamant that "it might not be his" then let him prove it isn't. If you say it is and he refuses to take the government approved test then I think (please check this out for yourself, this is just something someone told me) csa take your word for it.

Bloody men. This sort of thing makes my blood boil!

Good luck. And congratulations on the 20 week scan... you're halfway now!!!

AlpacaMyBags Sat 25-Jul-15 15:28:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpendSpendSpend Sat 25-Jul-15 19:00:36

You seem abit uninformed op....

Csa starts when they first make contact with him, not when you first make contact with them.

Dna tests do not cost £500. A csa dna test costs £150 for one child.

Maintenance will not be chased until the dna results are back.

If he is not the father then you will have to pay the csa the cost of the dna.

If he is the father then he will pay the csa for the dna.

Cornberry Sat 25-Jul-15 19:51:29

Sounds to me like he was advised by someone - friends or family - to ask for a paternity test.

curlii103 Sat 25-Jul-15 20:00:18

Not being funny and I'm sure if be offended by the insinuation I was sleeping around but he's well within hus rights to ask for one. your not together, sounds like it was a brief relationship anyways you can have certainty not sure why you would begrudge him the same. I'm not convinced playing him at his own game is the best solution sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Cheshirehello79 Sat 25-Jul-15 22:27:12

Corn - surely he knows better if he's being advised by people to go that route. As I said I have no objections and confident he is the dad as Im not one to sleep around and never have.

Spend: I won't be applying through csa until after he has done DNa . I won't use csa for that as he will get it at discount of £250. I'll make him do it privately that way he pays full cost.

I know some of you might think why go through all that but I'm quite annoyed and 2 can play the game.

Imagine telling my child tears along the line that your father requested Dna test to prove you are his child . How awful . If he's not a man enough then and step up to his responsibility then I'm afraid will just have to do it my way

UrethraFranklin1 Sat 25-Jul-15 23:25:02

Seems sensible of him to ask for a paternity test. Short term relationship that you ended and afterwards informed him of pregnancy, how does he have any way of knowing its his except your say so?
I dont see what you have to be annoyed about, tbh. You hold all the cards, hed be an idiot not to get proof.

bestguess23 Sat 25-Jul-15 23:32:16

I can't understand why you are so angry he is asking for a paternity test. It was a short term relationship and you told him you were pregnant soon after you split up, I don't think wanting reassurance is unreasonable. Yes, he hadn't done his part yet but it sounds like a bit of a breakdown in communication which has probably stoked his doubts. Being difficult for the sake of it is pointless, you may have this man in your child's life for years to come. If you have a paternity test and he still fails to step up I think you have perfect grounds to do whatever you like but at the moment I think you're overreacting.

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