Fell down the stairs

[ARV1981]

Last night, I fell down the stairs.

I landed with a pretty big bump on my bum, breaking my fall with my elbow. It hurt like hell and properly freaked me out.

I asked my DH to call triage to ask if I should go in or not as half an hour after the fall I hadn't felt baby move. He called, I spoke to them and they said I should go in as am rhesus negative, but that as I'd fallen on my bum I'd probably be fine.

So we went in (I had to drive as DH doesn't) I was hooked up to a monitor, and we heard the heartbeat straight away. They kept losing the heartbeat as I have too much fluid so it's harder to get a reading. But, after about an hour or so during which they took my bp, temperature and a blood sample, baby was declared ok.

They then said I had to see the Dr about anti-d etc... this was last night, and must have been around 10pm... Dr didn't see us until midnight.and basically when she did, she told us to go home as everything was fine. This is great. I'm more than happy with this outcome!

What I am not happy about is my DH.

He spent the whole time readingvon his phone, not at all engaged with what was happening. When we were left alone he'd say how annoying it is that he HAD to stay with me, and how boring it was waiting to find out that I was ok and baby was ok.

We were both very very tired when they finally let us go at around 1.30am. I told him he had to help keep me awake on the drive home, which he was pissed off about because he wanted to sleep. I got us back safely and we went straight to bed.

I am now wondering whether I even want him at the birth! What if that lasts a long time and makes him tired - will I be blamed for it? Last night I honestly felt I would have been better off without him!

This morning, he did go to work but went on about how tired he was and how he wanted to take the day off! I AM going to work - no question about that, and it is me with a bruise on my arse, and a slightly sore back!

How do I bring it up that I don't think he will make a good birth partner and I would actually prefer to do it alone or ask my sister or mum to be there for me. I just think he'll be one of those men that makes it all about themselves.

What would you do? I don't want an argument, but I don't want him to spoIL the birth by making me feel bad if things don't happen as quickly as he would like or it makes him tired!

[scarednoob]

How frightening for you and how annoying that he is being like this. If it were me, I would explain calmly that I felt very let down, that the baby is totally dependent on the two of you, and that starts at conception, not when it's born. Basically tell him what you put here, except I wouldn't go into the bit about a birth partner just yet. Give him time to react and calm down, then see how he behaves - maybe even send him an email to say we need to talk about this tonight so he has time to consider it?

Hopefully he will see that he was being an arse. If he doesn't then you might need to think v carefully about what YOU want at the birth.

[Frillsandspills]

I had a fall down the stairs at 16 weeks and although I had no bump which meant my baby was very well cushioned and the outcome was fine I can imagine how scary it must have been for you. Glad everything was ok.

In regards to your husband, I'd second what scarednoob said and talk to him when he's had a chance to calm down. Perhaps after he's slept if he's really tired? Let him know how scared you were at the hospital and you feel if that's his attitude towards you and the baby then you don't want him at the birth as you feel he would not be a suitable birthing partner.
I think if you mention the fact you'd rather have your mum/sister it may give him a bit of a wake up call as he may not want anyone else to watch his baby being born.
I hope he understands he was being inconsiderate and apologises.

Good luck

[Doublebubblebubble]

How many weeks are you if you don't mind my asking? Perhaps if you are still in the early stages - which of course are important - he doesn't realise quite how important it is for both of you to be checked. If he hasn't felt the baby he might not feel a bond. Obviously if he has connected and made a bond then he should be utterly utterly ashamed of his behaviour. Could you show him this thread? It can't be all about him anymore - baby comes first x good luck x

[Junosmum]

I've nothing useful to add except I'd have swiped him. Definitely irritating!

[ARV1981]

Double - I'm 32 weeks! My DH has definitely felt baby move. It's not that he's not bonded to the baby, I think it's just that he's self-centred.

I've just spoken to him...he's on his way home from work as he had a dizzy spell at work (was in a meeting with the health and safety guy, so got sent home) which he puts down to not having enough sleep! I kind of feel a bit confused. Of course I'm sorry that he's not well, but it was me that fell down the stairs and it's me that's pregnant!

This is what I mean by he's going to be one of those men that make it all about them! Oh, what to do, what to do?

[lilyb84]

To throw another idea into the mix, since he seems to be needing some attention himself right now, is it worth approaching the issue from his point of view? I can't imagine how frustrating this must have been for you - I'd have probably hit felt like hitting my DH if he'd acted like this - but in my experience, when my DH has acted similarly it's been his way of getting attention for something he's not really putting into words very well.

He absolutely needs to understand that his behaviour last night wasn't on, but if he's already acting this way then going in with how you feel might make the situation worse. Could you lead with 'I'm worried about you', ask if there's anything he'd like to talk about with you, and explain that the reason you're asking is because you didn't feel that he was really 'there' for you yesterday and which is (hopefully) unlike him?

Just a thought...

(My DH does this occasionally when I'm ill, and will make the situation about him instead, but I've found that with a little patience he'll get whatever it is off his chest and return to the loving, selfless person he is normally...)

[MummyPiggy87]

Sometimes men are just men, they need to be told. My DH can be the same. Just explain what you've said to us and how you felt like he wasn't much support, maybe ask him if he actually wants to be at the birth baring in mind it could be anything from 1-20-40 hours!! Who knows!!
Imo I think it's very selfish of him and I would feel the exact same way you do, you need comfort and support not to be made to feel guilty about keeping him up.

[applecore0317]

My DH was a bit like that on one of the occasions he had to take me to be checked over. I actually said to him if you're bored now what are you going to be like at the birth? Cause that could take hours, he joked that he would play games on his phone and hoped I wouldn't drag it out.

When I went into labour he was absolutely amazing, a light switch had gone on in his head and it all became!e very real to him. I think the guys can sometimes be more detached from it than we are, because they aren't carrying the baby and feeling it move all the time. Also he sometimes used it as a defence mechanism when he got worried.

Have a chat with him and let him know how it !made you feel.

[ARV1981]

Hi all....

I've had a chat with him. I started off asking him how he was feeling and whether this pregnancy was a bit overwhelming for him. I think I was diplomatic.

He said he was looking forward to the baby but was finding the pregnancy hard (!) because he's finding it tough to see me in so much discomfort.

I pressed him on the fact that once the baby arrives I'll probably neglect him as the baby will be 100% reliant on both of us, but mostly me (I plan to bf). He said he understands this and is looking forward to being a father.

I then went on to ask him about how he felt last night... he says he was terrified something bad had happened to the baby and was trying to distract himself from the worry.

I explained how it made me feel unsupported and as though he thought getting checked out was a waste of his time. He apologised and did look very sorry.

I then asked him how he imagines the birth will be... he said he wants to be there to see our child into the world. I explained that I will need him to be strong and supportive and that I don't want to be worrying how he'll cope with it while I'm in labour (never having done it, I don't really know what to expect beyond excruciating pain).

I have asked him to think about how he will support me and said it's absolutely fine if he decides not to be there as I'd prefer someone to support me than someone I have to support. I told him that I don't want to find out he can't deal with it halfway through as I'll be in too much pain to cope with that situation. I said it wouldn't make him any less of a father if he chose not to be there and that it's only relatively recently that men have even been allowed in the delivery room.

I have told him I want him to think about this and left it there.

He is usually supportive but sometimes needs me to tell him how he has to support me rather than being able to work it out for himself. I think this is one of those situations and I just need to point him in the right direction.

I also suggested we watch some One Born Every Minute so he can see what birth is like in all its gory details. We haven't done this yet, but I think it's a good idea so we can prepare a little for it.

Thank you for all the ideas about how to handle this... I hope he gives this some thought and decides what he will do while considering my needs as well as his own.

[lilyb84]

Sounds like you approached it very sensitively and diplomatically - I applaud your patience!

I hope that your admirable example helps him to make the best decisions for you both, so he's able to support you the best way he can - whether that's being at the birth or not, and of course all the million and one things you and the baby will need up to and beyond the birth.

Good luck!

[ARV1981]

Thank you Lily! I'll see what happens. I think letting him think about it is a good idea even though I just want to know his answer!

[Blackandwhitecat3]

Sounds like you had a really good chat, OP. By leaving him to think about it, he will be sure it's his decision, so if he decides he'll be there in labour, he'll really be there iykwim.

[ARV1981]

I've just had a midwife turn up at my house.... apparently they should have given me anti-d last week! I think they must have messed up somewhere as it definitely doesn't say in my notes and I questioned the Dr about anti-d and whether I needed it or not but she seemed to think that as I hadn't fallen on the bump I didn't need it.

What are the chances of rhesus disease now?

I was quite sick last night, but just put that down to us eating out (one of the last date nights before baby arrives!) And the food being quite rich....

Should I be worried?

[austengirl]

What did the midwife say? If it's your first, then I don't think it's as big a deal as with subsequent pregnancies. That said, my local health authority seems really keen on all Rh negative women having anti-D injections by 28 weeks as standard.

How far along are you? For peace of mind, you may want to have it.

[ARV1981]

I'm 33 weeks tomorrow. I had anti-d at 30 weeks (midwife on holiday at 28 weeks). I've just been up to the hospital to have another shot of it (hurt quite a lot more than last time) but was given the choice whether to have it or not. I just said I'd prefer to be have it than not.

It's a relief that it's not such a big deal with the first - I'm not even sure I'll have any subsequent pregnancies (this hasn't been a difficult pregnancy by any stretch of the imagination but I haven't enjoyed it at all) so that may not matter... but they say you forget all the downsides of having babies once they're here so who knows?!

The midwife was very apologetic, I think there were mistakes made last week, but so long as the baby's ok and I'm ok I don't really mind. I guess we'll see when baby arrives!!!