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Baby no.2 - feeling detached

(14 Posts)
Esssss Thu 09-Jul-15 22:36:08

I don't mean this to sound callous or cold in any way but this is my 2nd pregnancy (nearly 12 weeks) and I just don't feel engaged in the pregnancy. This baby is very much wanted and I have felt nauseous and completely shattered for the last 7 weeks but I don't "feel" pregnant. I have my scan tomorrow morning and I'm convinced there will be something wrong. Can anyone reassure me that it's possible to feel detached and for everything to be fine?

Scotinoz Fri 10-Jul-15 00:13:58

I felt like this. Baby 2 was very much planned and wanted, but I was just a bit 'meh' the whole pregnancy. To be honest, I was dreading having two - would I love the second enough/as much, and it wouldn't just be me and my first anymore. I didn't have that love at first sight when she arrived, but definitely felt very protective and caring etc towards her. She's 10weeks now and it's 100% totally fine. Love them both and I can't imagine what it'd be like not having her. But feel horrid that I 'dreaded' her arrival.

I think it's a normal way to feel.

CuppaSarah Fri 10-Jul-15 06:35:06

I know exactly what you mean. I'm 15 weeks with my second. I have lots of symptoms, yet don't feel pregnant. I was convinced the baby had died before my scans. When everything was OK I convinced myself it died after my last scan. Now I feel it move every day and am accepting the baby is OK.

I realised last week why I felt this way. During my first pregnancy, nothing else existed. I would stroke my stomach lovingly, constantly write lists of what I need etc my whole life was that pregnancy. Yet this time I have dd, a demanding job and a home to run. I just don't have time to be all romantic about it, which has meant it didnt feel real.

Good news is, for me feeling movement everyday has helped me feel more in love with baby and like everything is OK. But really I think its a second pregnancy thing, mixed in with my natural anxiety, do you get anxious at all?

Boosiehs Fri 10-Jul-15 06:46:57

Oh thank god, I thought it was just me!

12 weeks with dc2. I am utterly convinced that when I have my scan next week they will tell me that I'm not pregnant. I have been nauseous and extremely tired, but I don't feel like this is real.

I'm also worried about not loving this one as much as DS.

MishMooshAndMogwai Fri 10-Jul-15 06:51:14

I'm 38 weeks with number 2 and feel exactly the same and it's for all the reasons cuppa says. Try not to worry

Poppytime Fri 10-Jul-15 08:48:15

I feel the same (28 weeks with DS1, already have a DD)! I think, as Cuppa says, we just don't have as much time to dwell on the positives as we did in our first pregnancies. I have twangs of guilt for this baby that I haven't really even thought about him, or "talked" to him much like I did with DD - I think/hope it will all change when they are here though and of course they will be just as loved as our other DC. SO basically, you are not alone!

chasingtherainbow Fri 10-Jul-15 10:34:49

Oh thank god I'm not alone. Cuppa that makes so much sense.

I've been feeling very low about it the last couple of data yup here come the tears again

What can I do to make me feel better? I'm so tired and feel out of sorts these past few days. I just keep worrying about practical stuff money and keep beating myself up for the fact that this pregnancy is nothing like dd's. . Which was completely romantic and blissful. I really thought it'd be the same..

WannabeLaraCroft Fri 10-Jul-15 10:53:19

Snap! I'm 23 weeks and feeling very detached. Convinced I'm not going to love her as much as I love my DS.

Getting a bit worried if I'm honest, but glad I'm not alone in thinking this!

Esssss Fri 10-Jul-15 14:27:33

Thank you so much for your replies, it's very reassuring to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. The guilt was enormous. I can identify with just having too much on in life to concentrate too much on this pregnancy (work, toddler, house move, dh working away and possible relocation to a different country!)

well we had the scan this morning and everything looked fine. It made it a little more real but I definitely wasn't as reverential as I was the first time round -- was getting stressed with my little boy getting impatient waiting!!

I've got a rotten cold to top it all so I think I'm probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself!!

chasingtherainbow Fri 10-Jul-15 14:40:53

I had a scan at 6, 12 and 20 weeks and though the 20wk one did feel different the thing that actually made a huge difference was hearing the heartbeat for the first time. That actually felt incredible. . Which felt even more better because I was feeling somthing other than..guilt

Strokethefurrywall Fri 10-Jul-15 17:48:09

I felt this, and as far as I can tell it's totally normal.

My first pregnancy was wonderful, amazing and joyous from start to finish aside from the horrendous all day vomiting and drugs until 14 weeks.

Second pregnancy was much wanted but I felt completely detached, mostly because I was so busy focusing on DS1 who was 20 months - but I was exhausted, felt fat and frankly felt that the whole pregnancy was a total inconvenience. His kicks made me feel ill and I treated the pregnancy with total ambivalence until I fell very sick with norovirus at 30 weeks which kick started contractions and DS2 almost had to be delivered by EMCS as we were both so dehydrated.

It was only when I could hear his heart beat stopping over the monitor with each of my contractions and failing to gain full strength that I felt "connected" - the most frightening moment of my life, despite knowing that my OBGYN could take him out in minutes and he would be ok in the NICU.

And when he was born, I felt all the same feelings I had when DS1 was born but with an added dose of overprotection because he'd had such a hard time whilst I was carrying him. Just because you feel ambivalent and detached during the pregnancy, doesn't mean that you will feel the same when they arrive.

AmberLav Fri 10-Jul-15 21:45:22

The older children take so much time that I don't have the time to connect with bump most of the time, though I do like it when I feel an occasional kick at work, I'm 17 weeks. I'm in an antenatal group, and the first timers are all talking about names for their bumps, and the nth timers are all a bit quiet, as I suspect that 2nd bumps are named less!

PearTree201 Sat 11-Jul-15 08:28:26

I feel like this! 9wks pg and DS is 2.5.

This time around I'm not bothering looking at baby books or online stuff about pregnancy. Haven't even opened my ready steady baby book from my booking in appt.

Feel guilty about DS, how he'll feel when baby arrives sad. If I'll love this baby as much because right now I can't imagine it.

Don't particularly feel pregnant apart from the horrendous nausea and tiredness, as already mentioned it's more an inconvenience being pregnant which sounds awful. This baby was very much planned. I'm hoping the feelings come more after the first scan and we start to tell people even though we don't really want to tell anyone!

chasingtherainbow Sat 11-Jul-15 08:36:14

A few nights ago it hit me that I have until November with my dd and then that's it. There will be 4 of us in this more just us. She has been my loyal sidekick for 4 years. Everything has been about her. I live and breathe her. And soon it won't just be us. There will be someone else too. And I know that when he comes he will just slot right in. We will all be best friends and I will love him more than I realise is even possible right now. And I so want all that lovely cloud 9 feelings I had with dd buy I'm scared of juggling it all right now. How do I meet everyone's emotional needs without forgetting about myself too? again

We have discussed names which is helping now. And he moves in there so much and as he gets stronger I'm becoming more engaged, but I have days where I feel quite low still. Today I've woken up feeling quite agitated that I need to start sorting out stuff for him. Perhaps of I nest and create his space in the house I can start imagining how he will actually exist in our home. .

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