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my OH has left me and I just can't enjoy my pregnancy

(29 Posts)
Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 11:19:04

I don't really like talking about personal things to friends as I'm usually so happy and bubbly I really don't want them to see me down, so I'm turning to Mumsnet for some friendly hand holding advice.

Basically, two days ago I spoke to my OH about having a baby (I'm 15 weeks pregnant today). As he's been in another city we haven't been able to speak much. We've been best friends and together for years so I didn't imagine him to react so badly, especially as we're each other's first love.
Anyway, as we're in our 20s we ideally wanted to wait til we were 30 but that didn't happen. I for one am thrilled, though unplanned I love my baby and I just think I get to be a mum longer than if I'd waited til I was 30.
Two day ago he asked me to go to an abortion clinic for a consultation to see if i could go through with it, of course I said no. I knew he would ask this because this was really the only other option we had if he didn't want a baby just yet. Needless to say I was heartbroken, and this subject was brought up whilst we were on a walk so I was left crying. THEN he spat in my face and walked away. I felt humiliated. I was crying to the point I couldn't catch my breath, it was just horrible. That day he told his mum about the pregnancy and she called me and couldnt stop apologising on his behalf when I told her about him spitting in my face. She was absolutely disgusted, but she was delighted she was going to become a grandmother. His parents are so lovely and are really supportive, so they're going to try and talk to him and see if this is him just being angry, and hopefully he will calm down because I love him to bits and I know we'd be a lovely little family (assuming he NEVER spits in my face again). As petty as it is he's removed me as a friend on facebook and at the minute he's acting like i don't exist and it really hurt. I know everyone will say he's not worth it and maybe I'll realise that one day, but this is such a shock because he's a lovely person, admittedly he has his moments, but this just takes the p*ss.

I feel like I can't enjoy my pregnancy. I don't "feel" pregnant at the minute so I'm hoping everything is still ok. I suppose as I'm 15 weeks I'm just waiting to start feeling little flutters or something now, but this is my first so I have no idea what happens when.
I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for, maybe someone to tell me to move on or to not hold out for him changing his mind or just reassurance that as a single mum I can do it. I'm just feeling a mixture of anger and sadness but in general I'm just completely heartbroken.

At least I have a lovely little baby to look forward to though!

StrawberryCheese Fri 26-Jun-15 11:27:56

flowers for you. I have no advice and hopefully someone is writing you a more useful reply. Your OH has behaved like an absolute arse as you know. I'm so glad that you have his family's support. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 11:31:05

thank you strawberry
I'm not quite sure if advice is even what I'm looking for, perhaps just a rant. Weirdly feels great to write out how you feel!

UpUpAndAway123 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:34:56

I am so sorry you are having to go through this and hope you get some much needed advice/hand holding on here but urge you (if you can) to confide in one of your friends/family for a rl hug :-)
Sorry to be blunt but he sounds awful. Spitting in your face is so violent and degrading and in my opinion, unforgiveable.
Has he ever shown this type of behaviour before or any other form of physical/emotional abuse?
I may be completely wrong but it seems yo me he would never be ready for a child-were you always on the same page on that front? I just don't see why a few years earlier would make such a huge difference if you both wanted children.
Big hugs x x

UpUpAndAway123 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:09

And congratulations!! x

FernGullysWoollyPully Fri 26-Jun-15 11:42:36

flowers I'm so sorry things are so shit for you. I do know where you're coming from.

My ex left me when I was pregnant with my 3rd baby and had 2 toddlers.

Trust me, you can and will do it. It's hard, I felt so poorly in my pregnancy with the stress of it all and in the end I had to give birth by myself because my mum had to have the older dc, but the minute she was born and I looked at her little face, she was all mine and I felt like a superhero for what I'd achieved.

Surround yourself with the people who will support you. Don't feel any shame for admitting that you're upset rather than happy and bubbly. It's your ex that should be ashamed, honestly it sounds as if you deserve much better than this man despite loving him. I loved my ex, and had him back some time after our daughter was born. He never changed and left me for the last time when she was 7 months old.

Congratulations on your lovely baby. It won't be easy but it will be so rewarding.

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 11:47:16

UpUpAndAway Thank you so much. We ideally wanted to wait another 6 or 7 years, til we got married and had our careers started properly as although I work I'm going back to university again next September (a baby falls perfectly into my plans to be honest). He often works away and it's not the job he wants to do at all career wise. Neither of us drive either so it was just little things we wanted to get sorted. Plus, we have a brilliant social life at the minute and he thinks that will all end when we have a baby, but I've tried to say for him it won't. We didn't really have a set age we just knew 30+ but I don't see what difference it makes. I'm happy, financially I can do it and I have a lot of support.

He's never physically abused me, and I wouldn't really say emotionally either. Nothing has ever been like this he's usually so lovely, he's just got a bad temper and he tends to lash out on things not me if he's particularly angry (it would have to be something huge though) He's so laid back most of the time. If he was ever really abusive to me I would tell him where to go as I wouldn't want that around my child, but I know he's not and he's just scared, but the spitting in my face was a huge shock, I didn't think he had it in him. I was mortified.

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 11:50:29

oh thank you Fern. I'm sorry you have been through this too. Even his mum said I deserve better which speaks volumes for me.
I've decided to pay for a private scan next week just to see the little one again, it'll give me something to look forward to, plus I've had so many negative feeling about this pregnancy I feel so guilty and want some more reassurance that everything's fine in there, and it'll keep me being happy!

batfish Fri 26-Jun-15 12:13:45

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I can't find the words to describe how shocked I am that your 'best friend' and someone you have been with for years would spit in your face, I would think very carefully about letting him back into your life because that comes across as quite violent and degrading and there is evidence to show that a lot of domestic violence begins during pregnancy. It sounds like you have decided to keep your baby and you are excited about it so that is great, congratulations. And it is lovely that you have the support of his parents, well done for telling them what he did.

Of course it is up to you whether you take him back if he asks for that but my friend split up with her partner during early pregnancy due to cultural and religious differences and family issues and she gave birth a couple of weeks ago and is so in love with her baby and is positive about being a 'single mum' (don't like that term for some reason as some people seem to think it is a bad thing) - so if you are on your own then you will be OK.

FernGullysWoollyPully Fri 26-Jun-15 12:16:40

Thank you. The good news is, like me, you will come out the other side.

The negative feelings and guilt are perfectly normal things to experience. It's a knee jerk reaction that's all. I felt like I couldn't bond with my baby, we hadn't found out if she was a boy or girl because my ex had insisted and I regretted that so much. But as I said, when she arrived, she was all for me and I couldn't do enough for her.

A private scan will be lovely for you, cherish it, and be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little treat, you deserve it.

BananaRaces Fri 26-Jun-15 12:41:59

Poor you! That is such a horrible thing to do to anybody, I would think a lot less of someone who spat in anyone's face like that... Let alone spitting in the face of the lady who was carrying their child! If he is capable of that, I would be worried about him being capable of more...

I would also second what batfish said: " I would think very carefully about letting him back into your life because that comes across as quite violent and degrading and there is evidence to show that a lot of domestic violence begins during pregnancy".

Many congratulations! smile Please make sure that you and your baby are safe, and that you stay safe.

Number3cometome Fri 26-Jun-15 12:42:43

He spat in your face?

OP that is disgusting. It is also the way that my ex started his domestic violence against me.

I really think he has issues he needs to work on and that kind of behaviour you are better off bringing up your beautiful baby on your own!

scarednoob Fri 26-Jun-15 12:50:44

two words.


big hugs.

SignoraStronza Fri 26-Jun-15 13:06:33

OP, if he has spat at you, it's only going to get worse. My ex began by doing that after deciding he didn't want a planned pregnancy.

Please take the decision to go it alone and start to look forward to your baby.

He is not 'a lovely person' or 'laid back' if this is how is is behaving before you even have a baby into the mix. Please take his cue ams don't chase him - he's made it very clear.

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 13:16:26

thank you so much for your responses.
I dont really like hearing/seeing the words domestic violence when talking about myself but I think I really need to as although nothing is physical, and i did say he's never been emotionally abusive, the way im feeling now is almost as if i've been knocked into the middle of next week, I feel humiliated but I'm moreso heartbroken for my baby, because if he chooses not to be around I'd just feel awful. In general he's an amazing person and I know as long as he never done anything like that again he'd be a brilliant dad. I'm all for second chances but for me theres no such thing as 3rd and 4th chances. Glad this is now and not when baby is here anyway, I want nothing ruining the moment I get to meet him/her!

BurningBright Fri 26-Jun-15 13:17:18

I would say that you and your baby have had a lucky escape. A man who spits in your face is utterly contemptible. That kind of behaviour is a first step towards escalating abuse.

As had been said many times on MN, when someone shows you for the first time who they really are, believe them. Don't take this man back.

My DD's father left me when I was 4 months pregnant. Nine years on we are doing just fine without him. You will too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. smile flowers

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 13:21:01

Sorry Signora i didn't see your post. I know you're right I think I'm still wearing rose tinted specs at the minute. I think I just can't get my head around his actions it was completely out of character, but nonetheless it happened and as hard as it is I know I can't keep defending him, it's hard to truly admit to myself I;m better off without him

Frillsandspills Fri 26-Jun-15 13:22:49

thank you Burning I know a couple of people who have been in a similar situation and theyre doing great. I think it gets easier once the baby is in your arms. Glad you're doing really well though its very comforting!

ARV1981 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:24:38

You sound really strong and together. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I know no one really goes into these things planning to be alone, but many many babies are brought up by lone parents and they do wonderfully well. My own late father was brought up by his mother without his father, and he was the most fantastic person I've ever met. And the best dad ever.
For what it's worth, I think children are better off with a lone parent if the alternative is to learn that bad relationships are the norm... I know you say your ex is a great guy, but he's behaved very very badly. No one should spit in your face (or anyone else's) it's completely unacceptable and yes, I think is a form of abuse - especially as you're now feeling humiliated. No child should grow up thinking it's ok for daddy to humiliate mummy.

rallytog1 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:32:40

No decent man would behave like that towards a woman having his baby, regardless of how worried or unhappy he was about the pregnancy.

In some ways you may be lucky that he has shown you his true colours now, and not when the baby is here. Please think very, very carefully before you take him back.

Candlefairy101 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:34:35

Why or how can he be this angry about have a baby sad, did he say why he reacted the way he did? Is it just because a bubba is going earlier than he expected? Did he even give you a reason as to why he spat in your face?

Personality is take a cricket bat to his car just to make myself feel better ��

Cheshirehello79 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:36:35

Frill first congrats!

Secondly only you know what's best for you and at the moment I would say focus on your forthcoming child. You are going to miss the fantastic time of being pregnant and stress yourself out and that's the last thing you need.

Thirdly a man who for sure knows you're caring his baby and you are at your most sensitive and vulnerable stage and spits on you( how disgusting) that's says it all ... Does he even respects you? Well we don't know the whole story until it came to that ... But no excuses that's filth and I wouldn't put up with it.

Regardless how much you love the guy he needs to show support/ love and affection especially now that you are soon going to be parents regardless he's in your life or not .. That child will have its gene.

So if I were you I'd think of what's best for you and the child at the moment and if he doesn't want to be part of it his loss.

Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy - I'm 17 weeks and have already started to feel fish like bubbles so there's lots to come and you should cherish every single minute of it!

queenofthepirates Fri 26-Jun-15 13:46:01

What an awful piece of work he is. Assuming he comes round, he is going to have to work very hard to redeem himself.

First off, be kind to yourself. Everyone without exception will be in your camp. Except for

OhEmGeee Fri 26-Jun-15 13:49:20

Oh my goodness he spat in your face! That is truly downright disgusting. OP, domestic abuse can and does start in pregnancy. Please don't take what he did lightly. Please don't defend him, his behaviour is unacceptable and your baby does not need to see his Dad acting this way to his mum. You said he lashes out when he's angry, how long before it's you or even your child? He's already spat at you. Don't be surprised if his behaviour escalates.

Look after yourself and your baby.

queenofthepirates Fri 26-Jun-15 14:14:50

the Dad but that's his loss.

Secondly, focus in on your needs and not his. This is your baby and you need to protect him or her.

My DD's father left when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I am happy to report she's now a 4yo bundle of loveliness. He's never met her. His loss.

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