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I didn't want anyone knowing I'm pregnant

(14 Posts)
Frillsandspills Fri 19-Jun-15 13:58:36

Sorry for this rant, just wondered if anyone knew where I was coming from really...
I'm 14 weeks pregnant at the minute, not a planned pregnancy though I'm really happy but its not wanted by my OH so we're having a particularly tough time at the minute. Because of this I told a few close friends and my mum and dad (I have no siblings). Everyone is thrilled but understands that as happy as I am it's a particularly tough time for me with my relationship. My OH works in a different city although it's only temporary so we haven't been able to discuss much in person and he hasn't told his family. We were going to ttc in a few years once married so he feels the timing isn't perfect and he wanted a few more years of freedom.
Anyway, I told my parents I didn't really want anyone knowing until my OH and I had sorted things out and they understood but because I've been extremely stressed at the minute my mum told her mum who's told practically everyone else in the family. My mum also told on of her sisters who told her daughter who told other cousins... (You get the idea).
I can't even explain how annoyed I am. Everyone's happy for me and excited but family who barely ever speak to me are suddenly pestering about when they can make a big announcement, but if I haven't made a 'big announcement' what makes them think they can?
I'm grateful they're pleased I'm just so annoyed because i was going to wait a while yet. I was fine with close family knowing after my 12 week scan (close family being my mum dad grandparents and certain friends I consider to be like sisters to me).
Now that relatives such as aunts and cousins I don't really keep in contact much with know they're messaging me on Facebook and things asking questions and asking about my OH and what he's doing about it which is none of their business.
Some family members are just so nosey (particularly the older ones). One of my aunts came round with her 5yo granddaughter demanding to see the scan picture (my oh hasnt even seen it) and she showed her granddaughter who now knows and wants to know when baby is arriving whether it's a boy/girl what I'm calling it...
I know it's not much it's just that I'm so utterly stressed out at the minute fearing that my relationship may come to and end and my family keep saying "it's fine he'll come round.. So when are you announcing it on Facebook?" or demanding to see my stomach which is completely flat still.

I know this is a happy and exciting time for everyone not just me, but I'm finding it really hard to be excited until I see my OH (which will be this weekend) and sort out where he stands with it all and until then I just sort of don't want to talk about it much, if that makes sense? No one is listening to me and everyone asking questions just stresses me out even more. I know most of this is probably hormones but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I had a little go at my grandmother over the phone because she knows OH's family and she was determined to find out why he hadn't told them yet, which she knows and she said "well he should tell them soon because he won't want them hearing from me" so I was quite angry down the phone and told her she won't be mentioning it to anyone! I told her I didn't even want people knowing yet but everyone knows now and she was like "aw yes I know it's terrible" when she was the one who's told most people!

Sorry for the rant it probably seems really pointless but I'm just really not ready for big announcements right now and I wish everyone in my family would listen.

Guyropes Fri 19-Jun-15 14:04:56

Don't blame you for being hacked off. I would be giving most of them a piece of my mind, and then a bit of silence. Definitely deactivate your Facebook account temporarily, as you have been warned that it's the next thing they will be doing.

Sorry to hear that the people who should be supporting you are not respectful of your wishes. Be hard now, or they will continue ad infinitum, as parenting is such a great excuse for people to behave like this.

Polarbearcub Fri 19-Jun-15 14:09:48

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. I don't think you're asking for practical advice as such but just to reiterate that it's your choice how and when you tell people and to stick to your guns. I hope you have a good chat with your OH this weekend and the way forward seems a bit clearer- the limbo must be really difficult and I can only imagine how hard that has been for you.

PotteringAlong Fri 19-Jun-15 14:10:49

Don't want anyone to know? Don't tell anyone.

momtothree Fri 19-Jun-15 14:11:52

I know it would really annoy me too ... you just want to come to terms with stuff yourself, and then get everyones (unwlecome) comments and stories .... part of being pregnant. Well done on telling granny - and congratulations - hope you have a good weekend and OH feels more positive about it. It takes two after all.

Frillsandspills Fri 19-Jun-15 14:21:01

Thank you your replies are much appreciated. Feels somewhat better having a little rant on here and knowing I'm not being a complete psycho about getting too bothered!
I can't wait to have everything sorted so I can seem a lot more excited with people, which is what I wanted in the first place I just have a shadow of anxiety looming over me at the minute and I don't think it's fair that I can't be completely thrilled along with everyone else. I was looking forward to actually telling them myself when things were sorted too and not for other people telling them which disappointed me a little but I suppose that's life!

PotteringAlong I think it's clear what I meant in this post, it would be difficult to not tell anyone at all. I was referring to people telling people who then tell more people sort of thing.

fanjodisfunction Fri 19-Jun-15 14:29:17

I think you should use this little grapevine on your side of the family to spread it that you don't want to talk about it at the moment, or that is was a secret between close family and your a bit disappointed that lots of people know. and also that it's stressing you out a bit and need people to slow down. it might help especially if its your mum and grandma, they will still feel part of it all but feel like they are protecting you? hopefully.

definitely deactivate your Facebook, or at least turn up your security settings, so that if you get tagged in anything you have to agree first.

some people get carried away, and its hard to keep things secret but they should be respecting you, so make your wishes clearer and if you hurt their feelings then blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

PotteringAlong Fri 19-Jun-15 14:32:08

No, I get what you meant but as soon as you tell anyone anything you loose control of the info. If you really didn't want anyone to know you should have said nothing until you were ready. And I get all the it's not their info to tell arguments, but the reality about baby news is that people get excited and carried away.

Frillsandspills Fri 19-Jun-15 14:41:02

yes I think deactivating Facebook is a must at the minute. I've had a word with both my mother and grandmother and I understand they're excited because there hasn't been a baby born in the family for quite some time now. I think they understand where I'm coming from so hopefully it won't be long before the news is old news anyway. Just felt particularly frustrated these past few days.

AmberLav Fri 19-Jun-15 14:42:22

You are right to be upset that people have started spreading the news without your permission, my family know to ask if it is okay to spread the news, and other than my mum telling her sister, no one else did.

You should have the right to tell close relatives, as you need some support, and you have picked the people who will be supporting you through all of this, no matter what happens, but they do not have the right to blab to the whole world and their relatives...

Hope this weekend goes as well as possible...

fanjodisfunction Fri 19-Jun-15 14:42:25

your allowed a rant, your in a tricky situation with raging hormones.

Frillsandspills Fri 19-Jun-15 14:47:21

I understand what you mean PotteringAlong i just told people I'm closest to because they offered some comfort and reassurance. At least it's a learning curve and I know in future I won't tell anyone at all until I'm ready. Luckily friends have been really trustworthy it's just family that it's spread across that has frustrated me. I've been staying with my mum for a while as I'm not moving into my new home for a few months so I did feel she needed to know and as we're really close I do tell her everything. I understand why she told her mum as she was concerned for me but i thought I made it perfectly clear I didn't want anyone else knowing.. Now once I'm ready to tell everyone there will be nobody else in the family left to surprise!

goodnessgraciousgouda Fri 19-Jun-15 22:35:46

Have you told your parents how angry you are? Don't sweep this under the carpet for them. This is really, really bad form.

Go and see them, sit down and spell out in total clarity how angry you are that you trusted them, and they totally betrayed your trust. Tell them that you are now having to deal with all these queries and questions which is EXACTLY why you didn't want people knowing. Tell them how disappointed you are in them, and how sad you are that you clearly can't confide in them in the future.

If they try and give you the "oh but we were so excited" spiel, then cut them off. Really, if they consider their "excitement" more important than your right to privacy then they deserve some very cold shouldering.

I agree with others saying to deactivate your facebook account for a while. And for god's sake, stop pandering to people's demands. Why on earth would you agree to show a scan picture?

U8myufo Fri 19-Jun-15 22:41:35

I know what you mean and I think it is very insensitive of your family to be acting like this. Sure they are excited, but it is your baby and you should decide. My situation is a bit difficult (won't go into details) but I had mixed feelings about my pregnancy. I feel like I don't want people to know until I have had my scan. I am 12 weeks now and haven't had it yet. I only found out at week 9 and spent a week or so taking it in (it was completely unplanned) and deciding what to do. My mum is asking when she can tell people and I have said that I will decide but certainly not just yet. It has to be your choice I think and people should be respectful of that. I don't want work to know yet either, but I have had to tell my boss (who is my best friend also and so she is able to separate what I tell her as a friend and what I tell her as a colleague) as I have been totally and utterly physically exhausted and having a hard time working properly because of it. She is saying to me things like 'the sooner you tell HR the sooner you will be entitled to help and time off for appointments' and Whilst I know she is right, I do feel it is a little like pressure. Which I could do without right now. I have decided not to tell work until after the scan and even then I will tell the HR department for now and keep it strictly confidential. It all seems to have been a bit if a whirlwind! But I don't have the head space for doing things to please and appease other people just at the moment.

I hope your partner does 'come round' and that everything works out great for you. In the meantime just focus on you and your relationship and try not to worry about the demands from others. Its not good for you. And yeah, for sure, kill your facebook for a bit! Very best wishes.

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