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Feeling let down by friends

(14 Posts)
Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:33:01

Feeling abit upset/sorry for myself, and not sure if it's just me or anyone else finds this problem. I'm 22 pregnant with my second, my dd is 18mo. since having my first I lost a lot of contact with friends, which I sort of expected as I was staying in with a baby and they were still on the party scene - which i completely understand, just because I've had a baby doesn't mean everyone's life has to stop! I just generally felt very alone and let down by them all, some friends who I've know since primary school and been close with till before Having a baby have only seen my dd once or twice! Even forgetting first birthday and Christmases, which I must admit made me really quite angry and bitter. Especially when another one of my friends has a ds a bit older then mine and everyone can seem to arrange visits with them, remember birthdays and xmases! Even things like not being invited out anymore, not just for nights out but even trips in to town/lunch etc. just felt shafted by them all and had a hard time with dd when she was first born, at 9 days old was diagnosed with medical condition that she needed a big op for not long before her 1st birthday, again some friends didn't even contact asking how she was etc and didn't come to see her after. Even comments before hand like 'oh you can't even tell (about the medical condition) does she really need the op' as if I'd put her through the trauma if she didn't need it.

I get compared a lot to the friend I mentioned who has a ds, I try and get out a lot with my dd, swimming lessons, baby groups, sensory classes etc and even though I gave my friend all the info to join the classes with me she didn't then at a later date told everyone how horrible I am for not inviting her along when she struggles with her ds and has nothing to do, which I found very insulting because I was made to be the bad guy for doing things with my dd on a day just because she didn't! Since all of this I have confronted them and said how I felt let down by it all and was met with the sort of excuses like 'I'm rubbish at remembering' 'I don't have kids so can't understand' hmm

It did get to a stage where I got over it all, I knew I had tried my best with them by asking to meet up so they could see dd and if I didn't get a reply would still try then leave it at that. But now I'm pregnant again I feel it happening over again. They just seem to put me down without even realising by saying things like'you don't even look pregnant ' which hurts my feelings for some reason like I'm constantly being judged. I get judged for having an easy child who I enjoy doing things with, Sarcy comments as if I've cheated the whole parenting thing because I haven't actually struggled that much?! Apart from her operation and recovery of course!

Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:41:23

I get comments from a close friend (who is starting to be just as bad) on parenting even though she has no kids?!? I must admit I'm not a very confrontational person so instead of saying to them they upset and offend me I sort of keep quiet and let it grate on me until it gets to the point I don't want to see them anymore! Which is slowly happening because I'd rather go out on my own with dd then meet some of them for the rare catch up and get judged none stop!

Sorry for the long post, I know it sounds like a massive rant which is sort of is but feels good to get it out and hopefully get some advice/reassurance. Has anyone else struggled with friends like this? What did you do? It's hard enough adapting to parenthood! Or from the sounds of it is it me that has the problem? Am I being immature/need to get a grip about it all? Believe me I focus 100% on my kids and don't revolve around my friends, it's just as I get over how they are now I'm pregnant again the process has started all over?!

Thanks for listening

Optimist1 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:41:51

At first I thought you had just dropped off your friends' radar whilst being involved with the arrival or your little girl and subsequent events. But as I read further into your post it seems that you are actually in frequent contact with these people, so my first impression was probably wrong.

I can see that it would be hurtful that they exclude you from social occasions and compare you unfavourably to the person with the little boy. It seems that the relationship has shifted from "friends" to "people you happen to know", which is sad. You're obviously getting out and about with your daughter, so I think it's time you put some effort into cultivating a new circle of acquaintance. Don't try too hard to replace the deeper relationship you had with your old friends - a friendly acquaintance can be very enjoyable and may develop further, but these things take time. WRT birthdays, Christmases, operations I hope your family are giving the attention you need?

caravanista13 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:48:10

I think you're expecting too much of childless friends. In my experience, young child free women are often not at all interested in other people's children, no matter what good friends they are. By all means try to keep up the social links but don't be offended if they don't take an interest in your DD.

scarednoob Tue 16-Jun-15 10:49:09

how upsetting for you.

it sounds to me like you need some new friends... we all only realise that we were not as supportive as we might have been for friends who were having children when we get pg ourselves, but this is something else!

Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:49:27

Thanks for replying optimist. I accidentally posted before I had finished so there was even more to add!!

It has got to the point where it feels like they are just people I know and therefore should see.. So you are spot on. In regards to the friend with the little boy there has been very few enjoyable times meeting her and I do think it's more we stay friends because of mutual friends and because we both have kids there is the expectation of us to be best mum friends! I know she struggles and has no family around so I try my best to see her and keep her company every now and again! And yes I have a lot of support from family, were very close so I have them to turn to which in lucky and grateful for.

I've met a few friends from baby groups, one my age which I see every couple of months so I think I could try finding new friends! Sounds daunting!!


Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 10:54:24

Caravan I know what you mean, I have taken a step back from it all and said to myself they don't have kids they probably aren't interested.. It's more the fact they are interested with my friends ds but I can't seem to get that from any of them, I know I sound jealous and to a certain degree I probably am! Especially being young the childless friends have a completely different agenda to me.

Scarednoob I have had the chat with one friend who doesn't have kids and she has out right said to me she knows I'll be there for her to help and give advice when she's older and has kids. I can't expect someone to be around giving advice when they haven't had kids yet, it's just more the support I suppose?

Nottalotta Tue 16-Jun-15 10:56:14

I will try to put another perspective across. I am 37 and pregnant with my first child, so several of my friends have children. To be brutally honest, i really haven't been interested in their children. I am not the sort of person who lives all kids, and while many of them don't work/work part time and have their children, i work full time and have precious little spare time. In my spare time i like to see friends, but I often don't want to see their children. With the best will in the world its just not the same. Obviously they have lots to say about their children, and it does somewhat take over your friendship. I don't remember birthdays etc, but my friend group often don't do the whole birthday present thing.

As your friends are a he'll of a lot younger than me, I can only imagine their thoughts are similar to mine but more so.

Can you try to do stuff with them, such as lunch, when you have someone else to look after your DC?

I'll be interested to see how I feel once I've had my baby and how my child free friends are.

Gdydgkyk Tue 16-Jun-15 11:04:19

It's a compliment that you don't look pregnant!

Life events are a real time to sort the wheat from the chaff friendship wise. Lower your expectations of your old friends (don't expect them to remember important dates), create a bit of space and make some new nice mummy mates. You can continue to be really nice to the old friends when you do have contact but just accept that things are different now. When your old friends have kids it might change again, who knows?

Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:13:13

Thanks notta it's good to hear both perspectives.

I know what you mean it can sort of take over a friendship, my friends all work full time so there spare time probably isn't ideally spent around kids or listening to baby stories! I can deal with that, I guess I just miss being involved, invited out for lunch etc. I do do the inviting as well and try to plan stuff just isn't always successful trying to get everyone together!

With birthdays I'm not bothered about dd getting presents its just more the thought of even a text, coming for a visit? But then I always remember a birthday, kids or adults, so maybe I just expect that from others because that's how I am with other people...
If that makes any sense!!

I can deal with not seeing them every weekend, getting invited out for big events, it's more when I do see them I get judged a lot, they probably mean no harm but I think commenting on people's parenting and children is a touchy subject that can cause offence easily even if it's not intended...

Mummyagain15 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:33:13

It could be a compliment gdy, I saw a friend on Sunday for the first time in a while and she says 'oh you don't even look pregnant that's disappointing, you're nearly half way through, that can't be right' I'm probably just being over sensitive to that because I feel judged but it makes me worry is the baby growing properly etc. even though people show at all different stages! After seeing a couple of friends on Sunday and leaving feeling upset and anxious about their comments it just made me think after coming to terms with it all its starting again.. this time from friends I didn't expect.

I could obviously relate more to friends who have kids and I enjoy going to baby groups and will try socialise more with people there and still keep in touch with old friends.

Thanks for all your replies. I know it all sounds like a massive moan I just need to vent it to people who can offer advice

Nottalotta Tue 16-Jun-15 11:35:59

I totally understand what you are saying, and tbh I can cringe now thinking back to things I have said to friends about children, as if I had a clue!! DH still makes comments about friends/neighbours children and thevway they do things. At 3wks pregnant I am firmly in the 'well lets see how we get on shall we?!' camp.

One thing I found really difficult, was things like arranging to meet for lunch with a friend or even my sister. I would take a long lunch at work and we would meet, them with children. I spent many many occasions watching my sister deal with her two children. We barely spoke. Whenever I tried a child would interrupt and she never even seemed to notice that she ws totally ignoring me. This has happened a few times to the point where i just stopped bothering. I'm not suggesting you do this but just giving an example.

Really, don't take it personally. Your friends are still very young and in a different place to you.

Mummyagain15 Wed 17-Jun-15 07:35:27

Yes meeting up with friends and their babies can be stressful, before I had mine,like you, I used to meet with my sister and could spend most of the time watching her stress with kids!

I feel better just having talked about it and I can't just blame it on my friends, I think I need to work on myself as well, I've always been the sort of person who is easily annoyed/offended by the way other people act.. So considering I'm nearly having my second child I should probably take a step back from it all but still keep in contact with them!

Thanks again everyone for your advice and for the chat smile

Mummyagain15 Wed 17-Jun-15 07:35:31

Yes meeting up with friends and their babies can be stressful, before I had mine,like you, I used to meet with my sister and could spend most of the time watching her stress with kids!

I feel better just having talked about it and I can't just blame it on my friends, I think I need to work on myself as well, I've always been the sort of person who is easily annoyed/offended by the way other people act.. So considering I'm nearly having my second child I should probably take a step back from it all but still keep in contact with them!

Thanks again everyone for your advice and for the chat smile

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