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unsure about having a 2nd child

(5 Posts)
ktsmilingatyou Mon 15-Jun-15 10:50:18

Hi im just wanting a bit of advice I am a step mum to a 12 year old girl who stops with us twice a week and I have a 2.6mth old boy its took a bit of time for her to use to sharing her dads and mine love with her brother as she had our full attention before. I have always wanted to have a 2nd child so my little boy has a brother or sister who lives with him and will always be with him a play mate. My partner was unsure about having another child as he's 12 years older than me but he's come around to the idea and agreed to have another baby, which makes me really happy but i'm not sure how my step daughter will react. I look after my little boy full time he's not in any childcare so were with each other 24/7 when he sees babies he's very interested in them and wants to help with my friends babies. But when i've put so much love into him how can I share my love with a new baby? My relationship changed with my step daughter when he was born but im not sure if this was because she was not my blood daughter? I'm just unsure if bringing another baby into our family is a good idea?

Glindathegoodwitch Mon 15-Jun-15 11:00:40

I completely understand where you are coming from here, although I am on the reverse side. I have a daughter and she is step daughter to my DH. They have a fantastic bond and always have had. She is 10 years of age and her paternal father has gone on to have more children in his relationship. She absolutely dotes on them and loves them incredibly. I am now pregnant - she doesn't know yet but i do know that she will be over the moon.

However, the main point that I would make is that you need to take out the 'blood relation' idea here. The bottom line is that you and her father love her, whether she is biologically yours or not. You are adults, she is a child. The decision of whether to have more children is between you and your partner. If you do become pregnant, then you sit down and explain to the 12 year old, and involve her as much as possible. It may even be a good idea to make sure she knows that you would really appreciate her help and involvement. If it is challenging, it will not be the only challenge you are going to face with a teenage girl in the next few years!

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like you have a bad relationship with her. Also, could the 'change' you notice in your relationship be her growing up rather than you and your baby? I know for certain that my 10 year old is becoming her own person as she is growing and our relationship changes every day!

I hope this works out well for you flowers

SueGeneris Mon 15-Jun-15 11:07:18

Well, you can't predict anything but you can find ways little and often of making your SD feel important and special eg comments like 'I'm glad you're here SD, it's nice to have some grown up company', or commenting on how the little ones look up to her etc.

Re love lots of people will come on and say this but it is true that you just love each child as much as the first. I have 3 and the way I approached the subject of the new baby with the elder two was to say I thought they were such lovely children it would be great to have another one and looked at it from the angle of adding to the fun and love in the house.

Don't know if any of that helps!

SueGeneris Mon 15-Jun-15 11:11:24

Also, your relationship with your children changes all the time throughout childhood just by virtue of the fact that they change so much as they grow up. So I wouldn't worry too much about a baby changing your relationship with your first born. He also gains a whole new relationship.

ktsmilingatyou Mon 15-Jun-15 11:35:37

Thank you for you comments they make a lot of sense I think I'm just worrying and just trying to please everyone and if all goes wrong i'm worried its all down to me

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