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Ex left 4 months ago but refuses to take his things(37 Posts)
Hi, this is probably not the right place to post, but I'm just posting here on the off-chance someone might be able to help.
I'm 35+4 weeks today. My ex left me about 4 months ago and went to live with his dad. He stopped paying his share of the rent immediately and left all his belongings here except some of his clothes and toiletries. He's a hoarder and the whole house was full of his stuff. I managed to get him to take some of it but there is still loads left. There are 2 outside cupboards which are great for storage but I can't keep anything in them as they are full of his old junk.
I keep asking him to clear his stuff but I keep getting the same old answers such as he has nowhere to put it, he works full time and is suffering from depression and can't cope with sorting it out etc.
He refuses to speak to me by phone or face to face, saying that he can't cope with me getting angry with him, and will only communicate by text and takes at least 2 days to respond to a message, saying he must have a fault with his phone which I know isn't true.
He can be extremely vindictive and I know he is doing this deliberately to cause me as much stress as possible.
This is making me so unhappy and I don't know what to do. I was thinking of asking a professional house clearance company if they can remove his stuff but I don't know if this is legal to do without his permission.
He texted me yesterday saying he wants to fully involved with the pregnancy from now on and be present at the birth. I do not want him with me at the hospital under any circumstances, but he is saying it is his right to be there.
He is a nasty, controlling, manipulative bully. I hate the fact that I can't relax in my home because of him.
Does anyone please have any advice on how I can get rid of his things?
Do you know his new address? Because in all honesty I'd pack everything in the car and deliver it there, on the front lawn if necessary.
With regards to the birth, you absolutely do not have to have him there if you don't want. Speak to your midwife and have it put on your notes that he is to be kept away.
Sorry you're going through this, hope you've got some RL support
Hi Sarah. I have no legal advice I'm afraid, but hopefully someone will be along who can help. What a horrid situation for you, and how very stressful. I'd be tempted to give him an ultimatum, but I know you'll want to be sure you are doing the right thing legally. Is there anyone in RL who can help support you? Sounds like this guy is very controlling, even when he's not around. I really hope you can get the help you need xx
First off, he has no right to be at the birth at all. It is entirely up to you who is present. He will not be allowed in if you tell the midwife you don't want him there.
As for his stuff, I don't know the legalities but I'd give him a deadline, in writing. 'Remove your stuff by x or I will dispose of it'. Then do it.
All the best with the up coming birth.
Yup. He has no right whatsoever to be there.
And give him a deadline to remove his stuff. And mean it. If you're worried about legal comeback can you clear it out to a storage unit, pay one month and tell him if he wants it he has to pick it up or pay from then on?
I agree with PPs. Whatever his issues, he has no right to hold you hostage to them. He lost the right to expect you to give a monkeys about his concerns when he walked out.
If it were me, I'd text him and say he has one week to remove ALL his stuff. If it's not gone by then you will dispose of it. Legally, you may need to bag it up and give it to him rather than get rid, but why let him know you might do this? If he knows, he may well just let you do it for him, and you don't need that hassle. If he truly is a hoarder he will be so worried about his precious stuff going that he will deal with it himself. If he's not worried by that threat he's not really a hoarder with genuine issues, he's just a lazy swine who can't be bothered.
Re the birth, he has no right to dictate his presence. It is entirely your call, and again, he forfeited his right for you to consider his desires when he walked out.
I note all his demands are about himself, his needs, his issues and concerns. Not a single thought for you or the baby. He sounds like absolutely no loss, tbh.
Sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have some real life support.
I would do as pp have suggested, pack his junk up, and send it round to him at his dad's address. If you can't face him (or his dad) then get someone else to do the drop off, or even post it! That way, you haven't disposed of his stuff you've given it back (perfectly legal!). He has no right to expect you to store it as he's stopped paying the rent.
I would also make sure the midwife knows not to let him in when you're having the baby, if you're certain you don't want him there.
I really hope you have some loving support around you in real life.
Stay strong. Xxx
What a horrid situation OP...
It might be worth asking for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board - there is more traffic there with more experience of situations like this and you might get some confirmation of the legal angle...
If it was me I would bag up his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect - it seems like he is just using it as a reason to maintain contact and control over you...
As you are currently heavily pregnant, if cost isn't an issue it might be worth contacting a house clearance firm to see if this is something they could help you with - not that I think for one second he will give you the costs back but at least you are not doing the lifting and carrying yourself. That way you could contact him and tell him that if his stuff isn't gone by a specific date, it will be removed. Gives him one last opportunity to do the right thing.
You don't have to have him at the birth either - he has no right to be there whatsoever. Just tell your midwife that you don't want him there and they won't let him in. There is no way he can find out you are even going into labour unless you tell him...
be tough, black bags and tell him its outside ,if not its going to dump.
take back your power! have i been watching too much american tv?
good luck with your baby
Thank you everyone so much for your kind words of advice and support. I'm not going to let him come to the birth. As you say, I don't have to allow him to be there and I will make sure my midwife is aware of my wishes. He has caused me so much stress and unhappiness during my pregnancy, I won't allow him to spoil the birth too. You've given me some great advice regarding getting rid of his stuff. I've contacted a house clearance company and they said they would be happy to clear his stuff for me and will come round to give me a quote. I will give my ex an ultimatum though so he has the chance to collect his stuff. xx
Hi - if you want to get legal about it, you could serve him what is known as a "torts notice" - it's basically a short form notice that gives him a reasonable period (a week or whatever you think based on the amount of stuff) failing which you will sell it or dispose of it. You could probably find one on google. I'd be surprised if that didn't get him round there taking you seriously!
You are the patient when you are in labour and no hospital would let him in if you say no. This would be true even if you were together.
Agree - you don't have to tell him when you go into labour either.
He will only know you are in labour if you tell him, same re midwife appointments, so don't tell him. He has absolutely no rights re your pregnancy or the birth, that's all down to you.
And def god rid of all his crap, he's. o longer paying rent so he no longe that's the right to keep his shit there.
Glad the advice here has helped! Agree that if you ask MN HQ to move this to the Relationships board you may get more legal type advice if you want it.
If you're getting a house clearance firm involved, definitely give him a weeks notice in writing, email and text and save copies.
Glad you know how he has no right to be St the birth. Is he likely to start getting demanding re involvement etc after the birth too? If so, you will definitely need legal advice about this.
Best of luck, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in!
Assuming you're not married, he has no rights whatsoever concerning you and he birth of your child. Regarding his stuff, don't wait for him to so something. Do it yourself - bag/box it up and get it dropped off at his dad's.
I'd get it all cleared out and delivered to him - last thing you want is him taking you to small claims for damages in relation to the cost of his belongings he sounds like enough of a duck!
Great idea about the hose clearance. Tell him a week in advance, in writing that he needs to collect or things will be disposed off. I'm not sure on the legalities but certain a quick google of abandoned property will bring you an answer.
Tell him nothing about the pregnancy and/or birth. Feel free I text him a few days after the event and offer a suitable (for you) time to visit baby. Labour is a deeply personal time and you don't want him there. That is that. He doesn't even need to know it's happening. Tell no one other than your birth partner then there is no danger of the news leaking either.
OP I feel for you, I really do. Glad you're getting his stuff packed up.
Regarding the birth, he can't be there if he doesn't know you're in labour, so just don't tell him, and make sure that whoever you do tell doesn't spread the word either.
He's a first class twat and I think the only reason he is saying he wants to be around for the baby, is just to stress you out. I have a funny feeling that when the baby does come along he won't be interested.
He doesn't "have a right" to be at the birth/scan, it's a medical procedure not a spectator sport.
If I were you, I'd text him two days after the baby is born and tell him you've gone into labour. So, when he shows up and you have a lovely baby you can remind him of his faulty phone.
But you absolutely do not have to have him with you when the baby is born - set your boundaries now.
I'd give him a week's notice in writing to shift his stuff - he's had four months, if it's not gone by then I'd bin the lot.
I'd be worried about legal comeback if you chuck his stuff.
Give him a weeks notice, then hire a man with a van off fb and have it delivered to his dads on a sunny day.
They can leave it in the front garden and he can't claim it's been damaged by rain etc.
I'd get some pics of it in the van too just to prove you didn't bin anything.
This post, although it deals with lodgers rather than ex-partners, could be useful. Basically, box all his crap up, send him a recorded delivery letter telling him what's boxed up and where it's waiting for him, and give him a deadline (e.g. 14 days) to pick it up by, after which you'll dispose of it. Follow up with an email and text. Retain copies of all correspondence. After the deadline, chuck it or sell it. You've then made all reasonable efforts to get him his stuff back but he's not interested. Or he actually picks it up. Either way, job done.
Hi Sarah - I had exactly the same problem with an ex about 4 years ago and he went to his mums. I phone her and she came and got the stuff - I bagged it up and to her that I was sinning on moving so it had to go - I didn't move until a year later when I met my current partner and we moved into a new house - but she didn't know that!!!! It worked a treat xxx
Sorry should read I told her I was planning on moving !
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