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Can I do it again, am I too old?

(25 Posts)
penguinplease Sat 23-May-15 07:54:52

Hi, I'm 39, I have 3 dcs from a previous relationship and youngest is 6, I'm a world away from nappies and broken sleep. I was very happy to be done.

However I have my new dp and he has no children . He is desperately keen for us to have one and as much as I love him I'm not sure I can do it again.
I feel too old and I wish I could embrace the idea but I can't.
Do I have to let him go? I don't want to stop him fulfilling his plans for his future family.

sebsmummy1 Sat 23-May-15 08:09:19

You can try but just be warned that the risk of MC is much higher when you are trying at the age you are and you are wandering into a world of potential heartbreak. If you feel strong enough then go for it.

5YearsTime Sat 23-May-15 08:13:32

If you really don't want one I think you have to break up with your DP. It will be so hard but you can't let him sacrifice having a child for you. Further down the line he could regret it which would be very difficult.

PacificDogwood Sat 23-May-15 08:15:09

It's one of those situations in which no compromise is possible, isn't' it? sad

Of course you can have another go at having a baby (I had DS4 at 44 - there's never any guarantees, if you were keen it's worth a go), but it does not sound like you actually want to. Then don't. It's not fair on you and on the eventual baby who will grow in to a person.
Otoh, it is of course common for a person without biological children to what one/some and then those two stances become a deal breaker, sorry.

Many people have found a way to see their new partner's children as 'their' children, it's a shame he does not seem to be able to.

How very hard for you thanks

500Decibels Sat 23-May-15 08:22:51

I know loads of mums who had babies over 40.
You'll probably be fine if you wanted to have another but it does nt sound like you don't want to.
I think you and your dp have a lot if talking to do.

500Decibels Sat 23-May-15 08:23:46

Sorry meant to say it does sound like you don't want to.

Lweji Sat 23-May-15 08:28:37

Don't do it if you don't want to or "for him".

You don't have to let him go. It's his choice. And the default is that if one partner doesn't want something, they shouldn't have to do it.
It's your body and your health that it would impact the most, not to mention work, career, earnings (if so).

Consider if the relationship is likely to last. You'd be the one holding the baby, in all likelihood.

He should be as concerned for your needs as much as you are for his. If he is pressuring you, is he the partner you want?

penguinplease Sat 23-May-15 08:30:11

Yes I think the problem is I'm not keen.
He is happy to 'take on' my dcs but would dearly love a baby, I get that.
He is also worlds different from my exh and will be a fantastic father.
I'm just not sure I can do it again.
What a nightmare situation with no win either way , makes me very sad.

Thanks for the advice, time to let him go and not be the regret in his future I guess.

penguinplease Sat 23-May-15 08:32:04

No he isn't pressurising at all. It's me that's stressing because each day we get closer and more involved and it's in my mind all the time.
He has simply expressed his desire to do it and to do it with me

PacificDogwood Sat 23-May-15 08:33:53

Oh, I agree, it's not for you 'to let him go', that is entirely his decision to make, don't make it for him.
I think you need to have an honest and frank conversation with him though. Or more than one…
thanks

ScrambledEggAndToast Sat 23-May-15 08:34:15

I wouldn't if I was in your situation. Never have children for someone else, you have to truly want it yourself. I am OD at the moment and have a 12 year old (had him when I was 19). I avoid all profiles that say they want children because I am not being coerced into having another child for anyone. Be true to yourself and what you want. If you end up having a child that you're not sure about you will only end up feeling resentful and what if things didn't work out? You could end up a single parent with another child.

Lweji Sat 23-May-15 08:38:40

Mountain out of molehill?

Are you sure he will go?

Are you sure it is that important to him?

Or is it your own anxiety causing the problem?

Or has he said it that he wants a baby and will go and find someone he can have one with?

Christelle2207 Sat 23-May-15 08:58:46

Golly it's a tough one. I don't think I could go back to the baby days if my youngest was 6.
I don't think 39 is too old at all. But remember that however much dp wants a baby it's YOUR body and also YOU (I imagine) that will have to give up work for a year, deal with BF, night feeds and so on- not him!

penguinplease Sat 23-May-15 09:03:54

Yes admittedly he hasn't said it's a deal breaker but I feel it should be for him.

There would be no giving up work and enjoying a baby either for me, it would be 3 weeks off then back to it as I work for myself
I just feel a bit fraudulent and that I'm wasting his time and I think if I say I don't want to he will say no problem but secretly assume I'll come round to it

Lweji Sat 23-May-15 09:06:43

I feel it should be for him.

Talk to him properly, woman!

It may not be at all.

Fairylea Sat 23-May-15 09:15:04

You have to really want another.

I had another when my dd was 10 and I remarried someone who is a younger man. I desperately wanted another child though so very different situation and even then it's been so difficult. Going back to the baby days after 10 years and being older was really difficult. Plus my son is now undergoing assessment for autism so our whole lives have been tipped upside down. I haven't been able to return to work and we now rely on dhs low wage and disability living allowance for ds.

I love ds to pieces but having another child is such a massive commitment for anyone to make especially with all the "unknowns" you have to really, really want to have one.

3littlefrogs Sat 23-May-15 09:26:22

I had an accidental pregnancy and had my third child when I was in my early 40s. I had a 10 year gap and I must confess I was devastated and shocked when I found out.

However, that child has been the most wonderful, life changing thing and I wouldn't be without her. Being the third, I was able to relax and just enjoy her.

You need to talk this through with your new DP, but accept that his desire for a child may well be a make or break decision for the relationship for both of you.

penguinplease Sat 23-May-15 19:26:03

Thank you for your replies , sadly it is a deal breaker, he is 10 yrs younger than me and very much wants and deserves his own family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 23-May-15 19:28:05

I think of its a deal breaker, I'd go for it. Sorry OP.

Alice1983 Sat 23-May-15 19:50:01

I think in this age, people are so pressured to conform to society, why not? Dont feel old OP! You are not old at 39! I would go with it, you only live once. Of course only if you want to, being scared is one of the reasons people stop doing the things that they want to do and they live a life they dont want to because they are worried of what 'other people will think'. If its worry, or you are scared, overcome it, and go for it. If you really don't want to, then ..thats hard on him, but it is you that has to decide. And being honest is always the best answer, and whatever will be, will be.

plonkie Sun 24-May-15 12:58:59

You are not too old at 39!

plonkie Sun 24-May-15 12:59:01

You are not too old at 39!

AlpacaMyBags Sun 24-May-15 14:09:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Sun 24-May-15 23:12:17

She's too old if she feels too old. OP, don't be persuaded by either your dp or anyone here. You seem to be very clear that you have no desire to have another child, you need to make that just as clear to him and let him decide what to do with that information.

Levismum Mon 25-May-15 15:46:14

I was pregnant at 39 after a 6 year gap. It wasn't an issue but now I'm approaching 42 with a lively toddler, I'm knackered!

Very honest & open discussion required IMO. Good luck.

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