Feeling sad but am i over reacting. Help!(32 Posts)
Sorry wasn't sure whether to post here or in the relationship section but just wanted a rant. Just wondering if i was over reacting because of my hormones or i had a little right to be a bit upset. It is a long post too.
Me and my OH have been together for almost a year and a half- last year (october) i fell pregnant with twins unplanned but it made us move in together etc.
From the moment i found out i was pregnant i went mad buying absolutely everything bit by bit everything month to make it more affordable. Soon i realised i had bought everything for the twins and he hadn't given me a penny. My family started to comment jokingly how i let myself go (getting my hair done etc) but i told them my priorities had changed and i will sort myself out once the big things had been bought.
My OH went on his brothers stag last month and spent £400. 200 over the weekend and 200 in river island on new clothes.
I was keeping money aside each month to buy a pram which i could afford but by the time a month came where i could get it it had gone out of stock or discontinued everywhere and i just cried as now i'm left with a big bulky thing i'm not keen on because he didn't offer me money towards it.
I spoke to my mum and dad to let off steam to which my dad said "does he go in the baby room where does he think all the things have come from father christmas"
I let it go and asked whether he could just decorate the nursery for me instead i didn't want to ask my dad as he had a stroke last year but i could go into hospital at any time. He kept saying yes but never and in the end my dad did it
I pay my mum £60 a month for vouchers so i'll have 675 for the twins for christmas.
He has only been to one scan my 12 week one despite the fact i get scanned fortnightly as twins are identical but i let it go because i knew "he'd be a good dad when they come along"
Last night he told me he was buying a new tele for our living room i just said if it's what you want get it. (We don't NEED a new one) While secretly annoyed as he's given me fuck all for the girls. He said it's on sale (big smile on his face) "it's 50 inches..... 50 inches" i don't particularly give a shit. Anyway once he'd gone to bed i looked at it on his laptop and it's over £500.
I can understand he won't come home with new clothes for the girls or anything new incase maybe i wouldn't like them but why can't he ask me when we're out shopping "do we need anything"
I just think he's selfish and i'm a mug.
Have you said to him outright that you would like money towards the items?
Sometimes I think my DH doesn't realise exactly how much I have bought because I don't show him every little thing, just give him a general overview. if I want money towards anything I ask. in our case though I have told him that I will be reliant on him for when my full pay stops and I am on Statutory for a few months, he's happy with that arrangement.
I think it's a bit off of your OH to not at least offer and to seemingly be showing a lack of interest, but I also think that these things should be discussed openly, rather than you quietly seething, particularly as you have twins on the way and will need his support.
No, I don't think you are overreacting.
How has he been about the pregnancy otherwise?
I haven't asked him for the money outright which is a good point because i don't like to ask but our boiler is in the room and he always goes in to put it on there moses baskets on stands wardrobe chest of drawers clothes bottles cot nappies everything brand new.
I hinted i was scared about how i would cope on my maternity pay and help with benefits as i still have to pay council tax and half of the rent plus shopping told him i feel i would be better off as a single parent maybe (money wise) to which he said i wouldn't be but i'm struggling now (although not in debt)
You need to speak with him asap. once you have all the big stuff ie cot, pram ect babies are pretty cheap but its when they are toddlers and teenagers they get expensive.
Why dont you get a joint bank account and both put in money each month and that can be used for anything for the babies. You both then still have your own money.
whats going to happen when you are on mat leave? you will need some sort of support both physically, emotionally and financially.
good luck x x
He's ok about the pregnancy and says he can't wait to be a dad but we don't really talk about them although i rub my tummy and talk to them! unless i've had an appointment he'll ask how it went.
Have you discussed how to share expenses? He is being selfish, but has he realized how much you have spent on baby stuff and what else is needed?
It is important to discuss that before you go on mat leave. Have you discussed childcare or sah? If not now is the time.
You need to sit down and discuss FAMILY finances
Clearly, sensibly and unemotionally
You won't be able to pay half rent etc
(at the same time work out how you would be fixed without him)
Also take the pram back, get a refund and ask him for the difference to get something appropriate
You defintely need to talk about this bluntly, discussing exactly how much you'll have coming in and going out when you're down to statutory pay. It's not enough to assume it'll be fine and then find you're having to ask him for money. You need to make provisions for all your bills now via a joint account and make sure you'll have access to money to buy things you need for the girls when they come.
In terms of little clothes and things, some men just aren't wired to think about that stuff, so he may never buy those kind of things. But that won't matter as long as you are financially secure to make sure they're provided for.
I'm on mat leave now i'm having my section in just over 2 weeks. That's why i'm struggling financially. I've said i'm going back to work 2 days a week as the creche i am putting twins in when i go back is expensive and can't put them there full time. He just shrugs. He knows i hate the pram as it's bulky and not practical he says i'll get more confident with it after a while as i'm not used to pushing prams anyway as this is my first pregnancy. I've worked out my benefit help with him and what i'd get without him and though i've told him this he just says i'm better off with him as he'll help me with money but when? He knows how much i've spent as i keep all receipts. He will buy teles and is on about getting a dresser for our room which we also don't need but nothing for kids. He knows i'm serious as it boiled over a couple of weeks ago which resulted in me crying leaving a note and going back to my mums for a couple of nights. He was devastated (which isn't the point) but now i'm back to square one as he's all talk.
Ignoring all the relationship stuff stop the £60 a month for Christmas vouchers! If you must do it put it in a bank account so you don't loose the lot if they go bankrupt but that is a shed load of money you don't have to spend on children who will not know the difference.
You need to have a serious talk about family money. In theory it doesn't matter who spends it as long as everything is pooled.
Depends on the rest of your situation. For example, I am buying all the baby stuff at the moment from my wages. But my OH is putting an extra £150 a month in the joint account. He will also be covering the mortgage and bills and car during my maternity and I will only cover food and baby stuff. It's an agreement we made that at the minute is working for us. If you are splitting rent, food, bills etc 50/50 then he is being selfish.
As for his general attitude, could he just be not getting it? maybe he will change when the babies are here. Maybe he doesn't feel attached to the pregnancy because he isn't experiencing it.
You need to be honest with him though. You need to discuss how exactly finances will work when you are on maternity.
I can't stop the 60pound a month for vouchers as i'm around 3 payments from getting them. My mum gives the money to a friend who puts it to the company. It will be my only christmas doing it. I originally started it as he said he would give me 30 each month.
I understand he could not be getting it because he doesn't experience it but i offer him to come to the scans he says he's started a new job doesn't want to rock the boat.
As for finances i pay:
and sky (because he wants sports package)
We don't have a joint account nor do i get money transferred off him.
Ooookay then..... That is NOT going to be sustainable. Does he have a low income? I think you might just need to have a chat about how finances are going to work now. Like not to get angry with him.... but just to get it clear who will pay for what and what sacrifices you need to make in order to make it work. Conversations about money are always hard but it will be easier now than once the baby is here.
If you have agreed to pay for everything he may just think that it is all fine. Men don't get hints, not to tar them all with the same brush but you won't be able to hint at him to buy anything or give you money. If you ask nicely and he refuses outright then he's a dick. But he could just be being a stereotypical useless bloke.
Sorry op but you sound like flat mates rather than partners. I've no idea about your finances but if you want to keep them separate a lot of my friends have a system whereby they transfer a set amount into their own accounts for personal expenditure (the same for each of them)and all other money goes into a joint account from which rent bills etc are paid. I'm a SAHM so all of DPs wages go into an account and we both have full access to it. It's just easier.
He's behaving like a student in digs not a father of two. Shrugging when you discuss childcare? Seriously? You need to sit down with him and make plans. Apply for the joint account on line together during the discussion. Be specific about what you want. It's ridiculous you're being left short whilst on mat leave and he's looking into £500 tvs.
Right you need to talk to him, now, before the twins arrive. He really sounds like he doesn't care sorry OP but he sounds unaware and selfish.
You cannot pay half towards bills etc whilst you are on maternity leave. You aren't earning, any money he earns should be family money. He should be paying towards his children, what will happen when you're part time at work? You cannot and should not be paying half towards anything. I'm part time and put a proportionate amount of my wages into our joint account.
I'm worried OP you'll end up with the twins doing everything and with no money. Look up financial abuse, it's very real. Be careful, I take it you aren't married so you are in a very vulnerable position here legally. Talk to him. Don't let it fester and end up miserable or in a worse situation than you are now. He sounds like a selfish arse to be honest. I bet he's choosing not to do anything. You're meant to be a team, parenting is a team effort don't forget that.
No he's on a wage where he could (and does) live comfortably off. A wage that would support 2 children and help towards our home. He even says he thinks in his words "i'm managing my finances quite well actually" which i don't doubt because he doesn't pay anything. I always tell him i could do with help etc as we were checking my funds while out shopping and he was like "is that all you've got left" so he knows my situation.
Maybe it's me that doesn't get it why he can spend on teles or gadgets for the house that he fancies but can't on the kids.
I've even asked if it's because it wasn't planned does he resent me and did he not want them to which he said i was being stupid. A joint account would be fine but he keeps saying i'll just transfer money to your account but doesn't. I have tried to leave to make him see i'm miserable and it gets me down but he sweet talks me back and things stay the same.
Maybe it's me that doesn't get it why he can spend on teles or gadgets for the house that he fancies but can't on the kids.
No it is not you.
Let me repeat: it is not you. When a man becomes a father has one extra mouth to feed, two in this case. That means that extras like big tvs have to go at least until all the baby stuff is ready.
Be blunt: last week i spent x in baby clothes or whatever. Since it is a joint expense i need you to pay the x/2 that you owe me. And you still owe me from the other stuff.
I have been in a situation when my dp and i had separate accounts. I insisted we had a spreadsheet with all the common expenses to split evenly. He opposed sayin that it was to much work. So i went ahead and did it anyway. It only tooke a few minutes every week and allowe is to distribute expenses equally, and when i was making more money we split expenses accordingly. Every month the one who had paid more transfered money to the other account.
Can you do somethink like that to show him? And can you convince him to commit to this or any other sebsible plan?
It sounds a bit passive aggressive. When he said about the Tele, you should of just said "before you buy that, you really need to give me half for [whatever purchase] as I've come up short due to it" and you need to explain that as you're on Mat leave you need to lower your contribution to the bills.
Just sit down with him, show him your month income and have him show you his. For this to be fair, you're house hold contribution doesnt have to match his, but be proportional. Say if he has £1000 a month and you have £500 and the rents £600 he should pay £400 and you £200 thus leaving the same disposable income. You are the one taking time off work to care for both of your children so he needs to recognise that and contribute.
Thanks for the advice everyone i really appreciate it i knew i needed to speak to him and obviously will i just wanted to make sure i was within my right to bring it up and wasn't over reacting to him buying a tv and nothing for the twins
Stop hinting and struggling in silence, talk to him. Your set-up is in no way fair and you need to sort it out, you're a family now, but he still behaves like a single childless flat-mate, not a partner and dad.
You're a family unit now, not a new couple who've just shacked up together. Sort it out asap and if he refuses or wriggles out of it you must stand up to him and explain in words of one syllable that as a father he has duties that include supporting his family financially - especially when you're not earning.
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