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PND kicking in - please help ��

(25 Posts)
Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 08:05:48

My baby girl is a week old tomorrow and all my negative feelings I had when pregnant are swarming back like crazy. The empty feelings I had when I was pregnant are over whelming me. I was bad when I was pregnant and I also have ocd (pure O) and Id never experienced feelings of emptiness or lack of caring before and when I did it scared me. Now the memory is there. So when I feel good and I look at her I want to so badly FEEL elated and I dont. If she done something cute the first few days Id gush. Now I fake it. It's like I'm trying to hard?? And in obsessed with feeling things and when I dont I feel frustrated. I was in awe of her the first few days. Now when she is cute my mind says to me "so what if she is cute it's not a big deal" and then I feel dis heartened. How do I stop this?? I'm trying so hard but I can't get the feelings back from the first few days. I love her dearly I know I do. But this "feeling" is stopping me from experiencing joy over her. Someone please help me. It's only a week tomorrow and I don't want this to get any worse sad feeling utterly devastated x

happygojo Wed 20-May-15 08:21:29

Ok.... I haven't experienced PND and I am sure their are people/boards on here that will be able to give you better advice.

But it is OK to feel how you feel. I have had 2 close friends have a baby, one had PND and one didn't. But there were a few similarities there. The first few weeks can be HARD! you are exhausted! also you are hormone soup.... a big googy soup of hormones! You will have days where you will regret having a baby... it doesn't mean that you do not love your baby girl. You will have days where you feel that you can't cope or want to walk out, it doesn't mean that you won't cope or that you will walk out. They are just feelings that happen to every new mum.

I get the feeling you need to give yourself a break! you are expecting far too much of yourself. It has been a week! you had a C section right? you are recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery.

Have you spoken to your HV? or even GP, MW? obviously get help if you need. It is there and no-one will think less of you.

For what its worth, I think you will be ok. Big hugs flowers

scarednoob Wed 20-May-15 08:29:35

I can't offer much in the way of practical advice, just wanted to give you some support. I think it's quite possible it's exhaustion and hormones, you've been through something enormous. Telling yourself it's not really you that feels like this, it's just the hormones might make make you feel a bit better at times.

But the main thing is that you're recognising you feel like this and asking for help. That's very brave and it's the best thing you can do. there is lots of support out there and you can get the help you need to get back to yourself, if any.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 08:37:37

Thanks ladies. It's horrible. It's scaring me that this was the feelings I experienced when pregnant and constant worry I wouldn't get better. I hoped having her would make it all go away ... And it did ... For a few days. Now that feeling is coming "down" I'm back to how I was when I was pregnant. It's bizzare because I KNOW I love her. And k take care of her and kiss her and cuddle her. But these feelings of "who cares" and "big deal" and "ok so she is cute and what" are taking over so when she does do things I should be feeling over joyed with I feel
Nothing because I'm concentrating so hard on what I'm feeling of that makes sense??? She is amazing. I'm so lucky and I know that but the negativity won't go away. IF I'm about to feel something the negative jumps in before I can and I feel nothing again sad it's so frustrating because it's something I bever expereinced even with my son I never had THESE negative feelings. I had negative feelings about stuff but not these sorts of feelings about how "it's not THAT exciting having her here" etc etc x

LorryHen Wed 20-May-15 08:38:12

I've struggled with pure O too and it is bloody awful and people don't know much about it.

It is so hard to snap out of the depressed feelings but if anything has worked for you in the past then please try and revisit it.

I'm not sure what else I can say but I really really hope you feel better soon.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 09:08:12

I hope so to. I can't even decide if this is genuine depression or my ocd. Like I'm obsessed with feeling and thinking negative things so when I feel good my had kicks in and I automatically put in negativity due to my obsession sad whatever this is it's horrid x

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 20-May-15 09:15:19

Hi Halle - first of all, congratulations on the birth of your DD.

Sorry you are feeling this way. I was diagnosed with PND when my DS was 9 months old (though it had been going on for far longer and nobody noticed, hence delayed treatment). I have suffered from depression in the past.

I've no experience of OCD I'm afraid. Are you on medication? Perhaps you could see your GP to discuss whether or not this is still working for you.

As others have said you are a huge mass of hormones at the moment, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Are you breastfeeding? Whether you are or not your milk has probably not long come in which can make you feel pretty awful.

All the best flowers

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 09:32:58

I'm not BF because of meds but my milk has just come in to. But I felt this way when pregnant. It only
Lifted for 2/3 days after ahe was born. It's the best Id felt in months. Now I'm
Obsessed with getting well and googling all the time ways to get well and ways to get over depression etc etc. I want so badly
For this to go away. I've called my psych who shld be calling back this afternoon but instead of thinkkng it'll be good cause he can help me I'm negative again. Thinking HOW can HE help me if he isn't in my mind? He can't donanyrninf but give me meds. Only I can get better on my own and knowing that scares ME to. I used to get well with positive thinking and thinking my meds and talking will help. Now I'm even fighting against my meds. How does someone get well when they fight against it?? I don't want to fight against it but I do sad

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 20-May-15 10:03:51

Your psych can help you to help yourself. The correct balance of meds will give you the ability to help yourself.

I hope he calls back quickly.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 10:39:11

So do I. And I pray for a miracle that I will stop fighting against feeling good. It's like there's 2people inside Me. One is fighting so hard to feel happiness and the other rips me down at every opportunity sad

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 20-May-15 10:59:59

Do you have somebody in RL you can talk to? Aside from your psych, I mean.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 11:13:09

My fiancé ... And I've talked and cried and he hugs me and tries to support me as best he can but I eveb fight his kind words. He says it will be ok soon and my negative says "wAt does he know? He isn't me and maybe I'm a "terminal" case and will be fighting this forever sad I don't think I can be helped im that far gone x

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 20-May-15 11:19:20

halle that's the PND talking. Honestly it really is. You CAN be helped. The "nobody can help me, this will never get better" feeling is exactly what I went through - right down with not bothering to go to the Dr because I thought "What's the point? He can't help" but he DID. He absolutely did, and now I can be the Mum I always wanted to be for my son.

Please don't give up. Do you think you need to be seen urgently? Because that can be done, you know.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 11:32:30

I don't know what difference seeing someone asap will make?? I want help immediately but my kind is so strong set that this is it for me. I felt awful when pregnant and having ocd made me fixate totally
On only the negative. For 2 days after she was born j forgot Id ever felt those things ...
And now bam!! Like a freight train. Back to square one. Can't remember ever feeling "normal". This feelong is destroying me
And what makes it worse and more likely I can't be helped is the fact I can't really explain it to people. Like its hard to put into words what I'm feeling. Not because I'm ashamed but because it's a difficult feeling to describe. I was elated when she was born and in awe of eneryrhing she done and stated at her for 2 days solid. Now I'm indifferent. I look after her well and she js clean cuddled and fed but I'm doing what I know I have to. I'm also struggling to understand how I bonded with jer for those first 2 days and now it's going. Usually once you are attached that's it and you don't lose it sad xx

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 20-May-15 11:56:55

OP have you tried calling anything like PANDAS www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/pandas-help-line.html#.VVxoNjR2msI

They will listen and they will help you. Please call somebody.

scarednoob Wed 20-May-15 12:03:03

that feeling of nothingness does sound like depression based on what little I know of it from friends/partners. have you read allie brosh's blog at all? might raise a smile, if nothing else:

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

it was quoted by a lot of mental health charities as being useful, so I hope you think it's helpful to know you're not the only one if you've not seen it before - literally hundreds of thousands of people all over the world have been there, and have got through it.

she says stuff like:

^ ... "And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared. The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though." ... ^

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this; it's such a complicated thing.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 12:19:14

I will have a look at both links Thankyou. That sounds exactly like me. How DO you fight against NOTHING!?? That's why I can't see any light. Any hint of ever getting better because what I'm feeling isn't something I think you can fight. It's not a panic attack, it's not a physical pain (although the pit of my stomach would tell u different) it's a NOTHING pain. I don't know how to fight that sad

scarednoob Wed 20-May-15 12:36:39

Allie generally nails most things in life - you'll see why she has the most read blog of anyone on the internet!

I think time and being kind to yourself are a good start, as well as professional help. sadly these things take a lot longer to clear than they do to arrive - but it won't always feel like this.

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 13:21:10

I hope not. That's my biggest concern. I lay there at night worrying things will ways feel this bad ... I'm obsessed with getting better and because it's not happening I'm becoming angry with myself sad

scarednoob Wed 20-May-15 14:05:08

even without depression, sometimes our minds go to our darkest places. for you at the moment, feeling like this forever is that dark place. you poor thing. just keep holding onto the fact that honestly it WON'T be forever and soon it will be a dark patch that you look back at and realise how well you did to come through it. but equally don't put pressure on yourself expecting it to be immediate.

i think you should speak to your GP and try to get a referral. there are so many amazing things out there now for mental health, so you don't have to suffer by yourself sad

Halleberry Wed 20-May-15 14:39:56

Thanks for everyone talking to me. It helps me a lot. I think the pressure im putting on myself is the biggest thing about this. It's making me worse thinking that I shouldn't feel this way and trying to force myself NOT to feel this way and obsessing about the fact that I do. I can't just accept that ive just had a baby and I'm depressed. I cannot accept that. The other thing is that i know and speak to a lot of people in my home town who have just had babies and they all seem so elated and over joyed STILL when their babies are months old. Mines only 6 days old and it's like I'm "bored" of her already. I'm not really, I adore her but that's what's going on in my mind sad

LetThereBeCupcakes Thu 21-May-15 11:51:08

How are you feeling today Halle? Did your psych get back to you?

I've just looked up my original post, back when I was in my darkest time. If you want to read it, it might help. Honestly, reading back I can't believe how close to the edge I was, but here I am 18 months later enjoying life and trying for another baby. The thread is here

Keep posting. flowers

happygojo Thu 21-May-15 12:57:31

Halle don't compare yourself to other mums. You don't actually see what happens behind closed doors and EVERY mum struggles at some point. Just because they appear to be the very epitome of parental bliss, they probably have their moments like everyone else and more than you think will be fighting their own demons.

You aren't bored of your newborn.... she is actually probably pretty boring right now (sleep, eat, poop, repeat). You don't have to be totally amazed by her every second of every minute of every day.

soon though she will start giving back and smiling etc

Halleberry Thu 21-May-15 16:26:32

Thanks everyone. I read your post cup cakes sad you seemed very very sad. I think what scares me a lot to is that I find myself confused at times about what exactly it is I feel if that makes sense and often there is no reason for this feeling of impending doom... It's just there. And I'm so in tune with my own mind I can almost read every single thought that goes through my mind and it's over whelming. I feel like im losing my mind and losing control of my thoughts and I don't know how to stop it all sad were any of you medicated and if so what worked for you?? Xx

LetThereBeCupcakes Fri 22-May-15 08:10:47

Halleberry it makes a lot of sense. Reading back my own posts I still don't really understand what I was trying to say.

I was prescribed 20mg of citalopram. I've now cut down to 10mg. Seeing the GP soon to discuss a way forward should I get pregnant again.

I'm going away this weekend but will try and check in when I can.

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