Pregnant and absolutely terrified, please help

[Geothecat1234]

Hi, I'm new here but desperately hoped that with all your combined experience you might be able to help me.
I am 38 and pregnant with my first child. I have always wanted children but since I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) I have been completely beside myself. I have always been incredibly independent and I literally feel like my life is over. I can't seem to stop crying and panicking about what my future now holds for me and my baby. To make matters worse a few days before finding out I was pregnant I had decided that my relationship should probably come to an end. My partner is a very good man and very supportive - my thoughts to end the relationship were very one sided. After weeks of soul searching I and very honest conversations my partner and I have decided to take each step as it comes and remain together. I know he will make a fantastic father.
However, I am still finding everything completely overwhelming and seem consumed by fear and panic. I cannot bear the thought of anyone knowing I'm pregnant, and it feels that sometimes I'm in denial about the whole thing. My fear and panic is now so extreme that it is making me consider a termination, although I truly think that I will seriously regret this option and given my age may miss my opportunity to ever have children.
I'm so aware that so many women, a lot of my friends included, desperately want to be pregnant and I feel incredibly ashamed to be feeling like this. I want nothing more than to feel excited and telling the world, but it just doesn't feel like this. It just feels completely overwhelming.
Is this extreme fear and panic normal? Does it get better? And did anyone else who experienced this have problems around telling other people?
I'm literally at my wits end and appreciate any thoughts, stories, advice that anyone might have. Thank you.

[lemon101]

Hi,

Sorry you are feeling so panicked Geo. Perhaps the panic is stemming at least partly from lumping the relationship together with the baby? The two things are separate - just because you are pregnant it doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Try and keep the two things apart in your head.

How far along are you? If you are still early doors you've got some time to decide which way you want to go with the baby.

Pregnancy hormones can make you react more strongly to stuff than you normally would and you can't always judge how you feel. I don't normally cry because my husband doesn't want japanese food that night, but I have done that since pregnant - more than once. Its a silly example, but an example nonetheless of weird ways of thinking.

You sound like you need to say these things aloud to someone - a friend, a relative, a counsellor? It helps to chat stuff through and they can provide an independent review of the facts and help you decide which way you want to go.

There is nothing shameful about feeling scared especially in your situation and no one will judge you if you do decide against the pregnancy.

good luck lovely

[u32ng]

Hello, I didn't want to read and run.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a panicky place just now. It sounds to me that you really do want to have a baby but it's the circumstances happening around it that are freaking you out the most. You are probably doing the right thing for now with the relationship - you've had a talk and are seeing how things go. I hope things work out in the long run but if they somehow don't then cross that bridge when (if) you come to it. Don't rush into any decision about a termination just yet. If that IS what you decide to do you must be sure about it.

It's amazing how much stuff just 'works out' when the baby comes. When I got pregnant I was delighted as we'd been trying for a while (and had miscarried prior) but I also had panicky moments around finances and practical things like how we'd cope when I returned to work (I have a very long commute). Things work out. I am now pregnancy with no.2 am have some similar worries (like possibly having to quit my long commute job) but I am trying to trust that we will makes things work.

As for telling people, it's your news to tell and you don't HAVE to tell anyone until you want to. With my first pregnancy I probably could've got away with not telling anyone until I was really showing (about 17/18 weeks).

[Geothecat1234]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. It's true that I am lumping everything together and thats what adds to it all feel so overwhelming. I desperately want children but am very concerned and somewhat shocked at how miserable I feel right now... I am past the point I mentally gave myself for a termination .. .

[willnotbetamed]

I found the first 12 weeks or so emotionally overwhelming, especially with DC3, who was planned! The moment I found out I was pregnant, my happiness levels began to plummet. I was scared of everything, especially how my older kids would feel and about telling people at work. I fantasized about termination, although tbh I probably wouldn't have actually managed to do anything about that either - I was too much like a rabbit-in-the-headlights, full of fear but unable to actually do anything about it. For me it did all pass after the first trimester hormones calmed down - I have the occasional wobble, but mostly now (at 29 weeks) am excited about the new baby and looking forward to the birth. I'm glad that my DH stayed sane and kept reminding me that we both wanted this baby and that it would be ok - once my normal self came back again I couldn't even remember why I'd felt so panicked.

Writing stuff down might help? Then you can see where you stand and reflect on it a bit less emotionally. And keep the lines of communication open with your partner, as he will not be suffering the same kind of hormonal upheaval and can be your lifeline. Good luck with getting through this, whatever you decide.

[Geothecat1234]

It's a huge relief to hear that other people experience this same fear and panic, even in planned circumstances. I just desperately want to feel like me again and not be consumed by this constant conversation in my head. Thank you so much for responding

[scarednoob]

you poor thing. remember that your hormones are all over the place, and that can make you feel totally out of control and miserable.

the fear and panic are normal. but look around you at everyone who has children. their lives have not come to an end. they still enjoy work, holidays, time together, nights out with friends. and so will you, if you keep the baby!

from your posts it sounds to me, for what little it's worth, that you do want the baby, you are just terrified of how it's going to work out. I think you need to try and see how you feel about having a baby and focus on that first before worrying about everything else?

[Geothecat1234]

Thank you for your kind message. I so badly want to see the joy in this and stop living in and fearing the unknown future. I think I've always liked to be in control and having had problems with anxiety and depression in the past I wonder how much my hormones have brought all this to the surface again. I have no doubt that when I see my little baby all these emotions will feel so small, it's just coming to terms with the inbetween months. . . .

[popalot]

I think you need to be honest and talk to your midwife about this. It is normal to have some fear and worry about pregnancy, labour and motherhood. Little moments when you suddenly feel the gravity of it all and that you are on a rollercoaster ride you can't get off. But it shouldn't dominate your pregnancy. what you're describing is a bit more than this and needs some assessing by professional help. Don't worry, they'll gently work through it with you.

Don't think that this will stop you being a good, loving mother - you will have totally different feelings when baby is born.

I think the stress of your relationship worries is getting to you. Do you think maybe it would be better if you had a break from the father to relieve the pressure? If he loves you he'll respect that and give you time. It doesn't mean it is all over for you both, just that you can have a break from all the head stress.

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

I have badly wanted each one of my children but the moment I'm pregnant I freak out every time and don't really bond with the pregnancy at all. Thankfully I am always calm and happy when the baby arrives but I always wonder why the hell I balk so badly as soon as my wishes come true. I get horrific morning sickness that doesn't help but pregnancy doesn't sit well with me at all. Hate it. I promise you will feel different about the baby.