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6 weeks pregnant, partner doesn't think we should keep it

(22 Posts)
Bexicle22 Sun 15-Feb-15 14:10:46

I found out 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant. My partner and I have been together over a year and a half, known each other longer. We had spoken about kids (I already have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship) in the past and he seemed keen on the idea of babies and always coos at them in the street etc. When I told him I was pregnant, which was unplanned, he immediately started talking about abortion. He said he's not ready yet and the timing isn't right as I'm just starting a new job, he doesn't live here full time yet as his job is a bit of a drive away from here (although he is here most of the time) we're not rich by any means but we're not eating out of food banks just yet.

I respect his reasons for wanting to terminate but at the same time, I am terrified. Abortion is not for me personally, from a moral standing. I would be worried that because of this, I would always regret having one, resent and blame my partner for making me feel like I had no other choice. But at the same time, I'm worried that having a baby he isn't ready for will ruin our relationship. We are 26 years old so not young but he is still quite young minded. He has an identical twin brother who spends his weekends drinking and going to gigs and I know deep down he would like to be able to do that too however because of my daughter, he can't. I don't want to pressure him into a responsiblity he isn't ready for but I know I would never forgive myself for having an abortion.

He is very closed off about it and won't really talk. He says he will stick by me no matter what but I know he's got his mind firmly set on one option. I feel like whatever I do, it'll be the wrong decision.

I just feel alone and confused and I don't know what to do and wanted to maybe speak to an unbiased party about it. I hope this is in the right place!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sun 15-Feb-15 14:13:41

The only thing I would say is make a termination decision based on you primarily. Do you want one? If the answer is no, then dont do it. The relationship may or may not last (with or without the baby), but your decision will remain with you.

Rebecca1608 Sun 15-Feb-15 14:17:39

If he loves you and says that he'll stand by you no matter what hopefully he'll come round to your way of thinking, though you can't always make someone. Offering you support and a hand to hold as I got pregnant unplanned and I'd only been with my OH for about 9 months. We didn't live together and he told me we should keep our options open. I told him A termination wasn't an option as I'd always wanted kids eventually and I didn't agree with it. If he wanted to stay he could think about it if not I'd be a single parent willingly to the twins. I'm now 5 months pregnant and he's more excited than me. I hope things work out for you x

GoooRooo Sun 15-Feb-15 14:19:17

I agree totally with ThinIveBeenHacked - in the end it's down to you. Have you told him that you think you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself for an abortion? Surely he doesn't want you to live with that guilt?

Rebecca1608 Sun 15-Feb-15 14:41:31

I wouldn't be able to either. I told my partner that it'd stay with me and I'd always think what it looked like, birthday, etc. I doubt I would have even tried for any more children. (personally) termination was definitely not for me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, though everyone's views are different. I hope all goes ok for you though, whatever you decide flowers

Ehhn Sun 15-Feb-15 14:44:40

This is a personal choice and you will live lifelong with the decision, but your dp might not stick around for the next month, never mind year or rest of your life. Women tend to find a way to make it work even when raising children in pretty dire straights.

I'm one hundred percent pro abortion and I (personally) would have an abortion in your circs, but that's because I believe that the decision is right for me. I would be going against my partner's wishes, as he is keen to have kids even if the circs aren't perfect. We would risk splitting up over it, but it is too much of a personal decision to keep or get rid of a baby under duress. But this is a conversation we've had and my partner knows how I feel, especially as we are dependent on me to be responsible with contraception (pill). You must do what's right for you. Think about whether you want to have the joys, hardships and responsibilities of a child for the rest of your life, or sacrifice this for a (potentially short term) relationship.

Bexicle22 Sun 15-Feb-15 14:52:19

He knows I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion. I don't disagree with abortions for other people but for myself, I just couldn't. He says he doesn't want me to feel guilt forever and so he will stand by me either way. I already have a daughter so having another child won't necessarily change the way I live my life now so the actual aspects of raising a child don't worry me. Although I do of course worry about being a single mother again and the stigma attached to being a single parent to kids with different dads. My partner mentioned in passing the other day that while playing football he was talking to one of the lads about his kids as he recently just had another which sounds like nothing but for my partner to engage in a conversation to kind of get a feeling for what life is like with a baby, is a big deal. I thought he would be more into the idea because of the fact that we are already limited in a way, to the things we can do now as I have my daughter, we can't freely go out like his mates do whenever we want etc. I'm just so torn, I know a termination would be best all round, for him, for my family (who would flip) financially etc but I know it would t be the best for ME and so I'm wondering whether it would be easier to just have myself as collateral damage instead of taking everyone else along too...

bluehearted Sun 15-Feb-15 14:52:37

I had an abortion back in 2011. It was very difficult but ultimately the right decision for me. I hadn't been with my then boyfriend for long (think weeks not months). It was difficult and i didn't do it lightly.

Our relationship lasted a matter of weeks after the abortion and made me realise I had 100% made the right decision. I often think of that baby and how different things might have been. But I wouldn't have met my now dh or had my 2 sons that I have now. But that baby will always stay with me.

Do what is right for you! Because if you think you can't live with that decision then don't do it. You sound like you want to keep the baby, speak to your dp and explain how you feel.

Good luck thanks

phoenixrose314 Sun 15-Feb-15 14:57:08

I think people are focusing too much on what they would do and in reality it's all about you and your partner, OP.

Look at things objectively for a time. You say that your OH does not go drinking or clubbing at weekends anymore - is there a reason for this? My DH and I have a DS and he has an additional DS and DD, but he still finds time for his hobbies and his friends... When we started trying for a baby my partner was most afraid that his life would come to an end (as it had with his XW who stopped him going out), and that I would love him less and only have time for the baby. I think most men are insecure and afraid of the future, and sometimes they need a little reassurance that although things are going to change, your feelings never will.

If you really feel that morally you could not abort, then stick with your gut feelings as many others have said, the regret would stay with you.

Just explain your feelings about that, reassure him that nothing needs to change immediately and that all YOU need from him is to know if he will stand by you. Everything else can fall in to place as and when.

Good luck OP, you've got some really exciting news here, make sure you remember to see it that way and not let his views colour your view flowers

Goodbetterbest Sun 15-Feb-15 15:11:11

At the end of the day it comes down to you being able to live with your decision either way.

He can carry on 'business as usual', he may or may not stick around, he may or may not support you. He might be scared, feel he isn't ready, be panicking. All valid feelings but it is not him having the procedure.

You need to think about you. You are all that matters at this precise moment.

Dogsmom Sun 15-Feb-15 16:15:11

In your op you say you would always regret the decision so in your shoes I'd have the baby, your mind is set.

Of course you need to take your partners opinions into consideration as it's as much his baby and his life changing too but you would be the one bringing the child up if you split so it is ultimately down to you.

Your partner has agreed to stand by you no matter what which is a big thing especially as it's not his wishes to keep it and if it were me I'd offer to let him walk away without argument if that's what he wants, you need to be willing to be a single parent again.
It would always play on your mind that he was only there reluctantly for the baby if you hadn't given him a get out clause.

Bexicle22 Sun 15-Feb-15 16:38:54

Thank you everyone. I've already told him that he's not obliged to stay if he really isn't ready if I decide I can't go ahead with an abortion. He said that he's not going anywhere so he knows that he the option to leave. I know I'm lucky that he hasn't just run for the hills really. I know people who have regretted abortions but don't know anyone who has regretted keeping a baby. I wish he'd been happy or knew my family would be happy for me sad last time I got pregnant I was 18 so naturally my whole family was disappointed. I really wanted it to be different the next time

Goodbetterbest Sun 15-Feb-15 16:56:06

This is his first child isn't it? Sometimes I don't think we are ready until we hold that baby, and then it can be the sense if responsibility which is overwhelming. But I think it is true for many people.

He may or may not step up. I suspect from what you've said so far, once over the shock, you'll be ok.

A tentative congratulations to you both.

Bexicle22 Sun 15-Feb-15 17:01:45

Thank you smile with my first, although I was excited after the initial shock, I wasn't ready to be a parent until my daughter was about 3 months old. This would be his first, but he is great with my daughter now and would make a fantastic dad. I have a feeling deep down that it's because he is scared plus he can't see or feel it yet unlike me who is bloated with giant boobs and horrible morning nausea and tiredness, if he was to see a scan picture or a bump, his feelings would change. He's worried his parent will go crazy too but they're in their late 60's so I'm sure they'd probably be okay with it. I don't really know them that well as I don't see them often and I worry that they don't like me. Silly I know!

sianihedgehog Sun 15-Feb-15 23:27:57

I know a few people who've regretted keeping babies, but the taboo against admitting this is SO strong that it's really extremely rare for anyone to say so. They do love their children, but still wish they'd chosen the other way. It's not something that never happens, but it IS something people don't talk about. It doesn't sound like you'd be in that category, really, your only reason for considering an abortion seems to be your partner's preference for it.

Your choice is up to you in the end. He can say what he'd prefer, but that's all he can really do. And you can only decide based on yourself. It sounds like you already know your choice perfectly well, and you're keeping it.

If I were in your situation, I might decide to keep the baby (or I might not, it's not happened to me and I don't know!), but I'd expect to do it without him, honestly. I don't know personally many situations like yours where the relationship has survived, so I'd be basing my expectations on that.

Bexicle22 Mon 16-Feb-15 09:26:33

Thank you all for your responses. It's just such a hard decision to make because I feel like whatever I choose, the relationship will never be the same again. My partner is a great father figure and he treats my daughter as his own, I know he would be a great dad to his own baby but at the same time it's slightly different I guess and I can't force that kind of responsibility. I hate knowing that ultimately it's my decision, that's a lot of pressure sad

Zachmeister Mon 16-Feb-15 12:14:48

It is one of the hardest decisions you will ever face but ultimately the best piece of advice I was given in similar circumstances was that you can only make the decision on how you feel at this moment in time. Life is full of uncertainties, nobody knows what the future holds so go with your gut instinct. Also, after having counselling another piece of advice which gives me strength is that you are really only responsible for your own happiness i.e. You can't be responsible for your partner's happiness that really is powerful as I think so many of us feel we want to fix other people/make others happy over ourselves but that can be too much of a burden especially when it comes to your situation. It sounds like your partner will be there for you and once the baby is here he won't be able to imagine his life without the baby. Good luck xxx

phoenixrose314 Tue 17-Feb-15 11:42:10

Your relationship WILL change, OP - my DH and I were actively trying and both very excited when I fell pregnant and when baby came... and our relationship still suffered a few dents and rows!! It's only natural, your relationship has to adjust to make room for another person, your focus shifts, but in the end if you're both willing to TRY, that will count for everything.

Just be sure you've made the right decision.

And in regards to telling everyone - it'll be so different than it was before. You're in a happy, long-term relationship. If you tell everyone with an excited smile, they will feel the same way. They worry if you are worried. Etcetera.

I think you have already decided to keep it, so congratulations to you OP, I hope you and your partner (and your DD) have every happiness with the newest little addition to your family xxx

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Feb-15 11:46:56

OP, sorry to say this, but if you are fervently anti-abortion why weren't you so much more careful about getting pregnant? If he didn't want a baby, why wasn't he so much more careful about getting you pregnant?

I don't blame your boyfriend for not wanting a baby for all the reasons he gave you. From his point of view, your period is two weeks late and it would be a very simple procedure.

If you do want to keep this baby, I wouldn't expect him to stay with you long term. You already know how difficult it is to be a single mum. Do you think he would be a good father to the child if he isn't still with you?

Bexicle22 Tue 17-Feb-15 11:55:34

Don't worry, I was waiting for someone to say this lol I was on the pill at the time of getting pregnant. Of course, in hindsight, I could have had the implant and took the pill and used condoms and the pull out method all at the same time but you just assume, maybe wrongly, that you're using contraception so you're safe for the most part. Although of course, as we all know, no contraception is 100% effective and the only real sure-fire way to not get pregnant is to not have sex. Unfortunately the Pill has let me down despite its 98% success rate in preventing pregnancy.

Just to clarify, I don't think he is wrong in the reasons why he doesn't want a baby. I completely respect what he is saying and that is why I haven't just turned around and said well tough luck I want to keep it so I am. That's why I want to talk it through properly with him, go through all the pros and cons and all the facts before we make a mutual decision.

Goodbetterbest Tue 17-Feb-15 11:55:37

But OP all our relationships change when babies come along. It's not necessarily a bad thing.

And yes as the previous poster said, if he was that against making you pregnant, he should have done more to stop it. It may be your decision ultimately but it is still the consequences of his actions am he needs to deal with that, not you.

If you have a termination because he wants you to, your relationship will change. And probably not for the better. I couldn't, and didnt, have a termination for DC1s father.

I gave him the option - I was not terminating, so he could walk away. He did. Fair play, I went into parenthood a single parent. No regrets. I was 8 months pg when he came round to the idea (which actually pissed me off no end as I was set up mentally and emotionally to go it alone) but we both made and respected each other's choices. We had 3 more DCs and a good life.

Bexicle22 Tue 17-Feb-15 12:10:29

With my DD my relationship did change a fair bit, not during the pregnancy but once she was born. This was because having a baby and living with its mother made my ex realise that he was in fact, gay! So he left when she was 6 months. I know relationships change, there's added stress from sleepless nights, bickering, lack of money sometimes. I feel like a relationship that's strong enough can endure that kind of thing and know it's not a flaw in the relationship, it's just down to a new addition.

And being a male he just assumed it was down to me to make sure I was protected. Which I did but unfortunately it wasn't enough. I'm trying to get him to see that although yes, it is my responsibility to take my contraception etc but it doesn't become just my responsibility when it fails because that's something I can't control. I do feel like this is all being put onto me and it's a lot of pressure. Of course, gun to my head, I would choose to keep it. But I suppose it's not as easy as that. I wish it was though!

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