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Have to tell father?

(16 Posts)
s2976 Tue 27-Jan-15 11:28:17

So I hope this is the right place to talk about this but i really have no where else to turn and I thought that maybe somewhere here could help.

I recently found out I'm pregnant and I have no clue what to do, I was dating a man much older then myself but left because I didn't feel safe. I feel like I have to tell him and before it was me, I would've told anyone who asked that it's up to the woman but now that it is me I just don't know. I don't want to leave my child without a dad, and I know he has been a great dad in the past, but I don't want to put myself or my child in that position.

Am I being selfish? Should I tell him? Should he be involved? I'm so lost on this

HowardTJMoon Tue 27-Jan-15 11:40:12

I think it depends hugely on why you are having thoughts about not telling him. Why did you feel unsafe?

Currentlyclueless Tue 27-Jan-15 11:41:20

You don't have to tell him it's entirely up to you or tell him when you feel ready.

I told my boyfriend of 6 years (we hadn't broken up) and he's currently decided he wants nothing to do with the child so sadly that might be the same for you - I hope it isn't the case. I'm sort of hoping mine comes around.

Congratulations either way

layla888 Tue 27-Jan-15 11:48:37

I would do anything to ensure my kids safety, if he made you feel unsafe when you have the baby that feeling will be a whole lot worse. Its totally up to you, I know people who have raised their kids on their own and not told the father and they are happy people. Good Luck x

s2976 Tue 27-Jan-15 11:53:05

Thanks Currentlyclueless and HowardTJMoon.

He's in he late 50's and I found that he was controlling me all the time, I'm not a passive person and he constantly ignored me and used the age thing against me. He used to grab me quite forcefully but I ignored it and eventually he got really agressive during a fight and I ended up with a spraind wrist and covered in bruises.

I feel like I'm being selfish because afaik he never once touched his kids. But what if he does with ours?

bagofsnakes Tue 27-Jan-15 12:01:31

You were abused, emotionally and physically, and you are right to want to keep yourself and your baby safe. In a different situation I would say that it would be the decent thing to tell the father. In this situation I would say that you are justified in not wanting to let him back into your life in any way. I know that some men who abuse their partners never go on to abuse their children but I think you are right to not want to run that risk with your own baby.

All the best to you OP flowers

carbolicsoaprocked Tue 27-Jan-15 12:56:30

With the limited information we have I don't think it would be in the best interests of the child to tell the father. However you will have to think about how to answer questions that will come from not only the child but others too. Good luck x

Letmeeatcakecakecake Tue 27-Jan-15 13:40:16

We don't have much information but I'd side on the don't tell him team, if he made you feel unsafe.

I was with a very nasty and abusive man, who I had my DS with, and unfortunately, he used to use DS as a control tool... Would threaten to take him away ect when he was barely a week old. It was awful.

If you are sure you're going to defiantly keep the baby, just take your time to tell him (if you choose to). There are no rules that say you have a certain deadline to let him know...

Bluestockings35 Tue 27-Jan-15 15:36:49

You don't have to tell him and it doesn't sound like it would be a good idea to give him any information that he could use to try to control you. If you do tell him he could use the courts to seek contact and this is something that abusive men tend to do (and the courts do tend to give contact even in cases of abuse against the mother). Normally you have to give the father's name when you register the birth but there is an exception for domestic abuse so don't feel pressured into doing that either. It may seem scary to think of doing this alone but it will be much better to be without controlling and violent behaviour in your life. I just don't think someone who behaves like that can be a good parent so your child will probably be much better off without him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 27-Jan-15 15:52:34

Men don't have to hit the kids to be abusing them. Abusing their partner is abusing their children.
I wouldn't tell.

fattymcfatfat Tue 27-Jan-15 16:19:39

Dont tell! If you dont feel safe now you wont feel safe when/if he was to have contact with your baby.

rubyboo2 Tue 27-Jan-15 16:51:20

The fact that your asking this question shows that you know really the answer ....That you should not tell .
If he cant control himself with you why would he be able to with a crying baby ? Do you want your child to grow up to think his behaviour is normal, does your child need to see you treated this way ?
At his age he knows right from wrong and chooses to behave in this way .
Being a mum is all you need , concentrate on your pregnancy and baby and have a happy life . x x

s2976 Tue 27-Jan-15 18:02:27

Thanks guys and I'm sorry to hear about the hard times some of you have had.

I really don't feel that he would be good for this baby. I wish I wasn't in this situation and I don't feel ready (but that's a different rant!) but I think he would just add stress and make this all harder. And I don't think that he would be good for the baby at all.

Jaffakake Tue 27-Jan-15 18:06:59

I wouldn't tell him if I were you. But If you think later on you might want to tell him, I'd get legal advice first.

s2976 Tue 27-Jan-15 19:59:25

Thanks for the advice jaffakake. I definetly think I'll seek legal advice in the next few weeks on the issue. I found out yesterday that I was definetly pregnant and my mind has been all over the place since, I never planned on having any children at all and I've always been as careful as possible to avoid this situation but I'm definitely keeping the baby.

In going to hold off on telling anyone until it's impossible anyway so I'll keep thinking about it I suppose. I am worried about running in to him around but I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

TheScenicRoute Tue 27-Jan-15 20:11:10

Don't tell him, walk away, he is not the role model you're little one needs. But I'm sure you will find positive male role models who are already in your life. Good luck. X

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