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Boyfriend acting a little odd.....

(10 Posts)
Janine1982 Wed 21-Jan-15 22:30:09

I'm 32 and my boyfriend is 28, we've been together for a year (living together for a while too) and have always talked about having children/getting married in the future.

We found out that we were pregnant last week, we were both shocked although we'd been joking for weeks that I might be as I hadn't come on my period. Everything was wonderful that evening, very loving and lots of excitement about being parents but now he seems to have gone very quiet with me, won't talk about it or engage in conversation and it's really upsetting me. I'm not too sure if I'm imagining it but I feel he's less affectionate with me since we found out. He also had a late night out Saturday, I guess his way of coping with this?

I'm four years older than him so I don't feel quite as much panic (if any!) but he said that he feels a huge amount of pressure now; we rent and don't own etc, he wanted a few more holidays just us, money will be tight and he wanted to do the whole house/marriage thing and be "prepared" first.

Has anyone experienced anything similar with their partners?

Thank you smile

sianihedgehog Wed 21-Jan-15 22:47:48

Mine admits he's really really worried about money, and about supporting someone. I think it can be absolutely terrifying for guys because they have absolutely no control, but they feel like they have all the responsibility. Even if it's wanted, and they love their partner, they worry about "failing as a man". It's basically mad gender stereotype bollocks - they feel like they should suddenly be going out and providing for you and their kid, even if you've always both worked and all. I think your boyfriend is probably just shitting himself with panic about that sort of thing.

I find it's helped to just keep on saying that there's no such thing as a "right" time, and no such thing as "ready". You could wait another five years and still be renting, not married, have never been on holiday abroad together like me and my partner! And he's still shitting himself, too, even though we waited!

Maybe it'd help to talk to some other couples with kids who could talk about how it wasn't as bad as they feared? Has he got any mates who are dads, and happy about it?

Cornberry Thu 22-Jan-15 00:01:28

My boyfriend worries a lot about money and I've found that the best way to help him is to be understanding of his concerns and reassure him that they are legitimate but surmountable. Tell him it's totally normal to freak out a bit and it's a sign of being sensible about it, and thinking about the important considerations, but ultimately this is a wonderful thing and you will never regret having children. Good luck smile

upthewolves Thu 22-Jan-15 05:43:26

My DP is much more focussed on the logistics than I am and has been driving me a bit mad lately making calculations about childcare, mat pay, how this will effect our finances after I go back to work etc. He worked out the total cost of having the baby per year and it was an eye watering amount but I dont care because we can afford it and will have a lovely baby instead of some of our disposable income! He's also worrying about night feeds and sleep deprivation and I don't see the point in worrying about any of it! I think as someone else says they are hardwired to be the 'provider' and are anxious about that role. They also don't have the experience of carrying the baby and havent had the same rush of hormones telling them that the only thing that matters is having a baby.

I don't know if if this is relevant to you, but both my parents and my DPs had no money when they had us. I reminded him of that and it helped a bit - we were loved and cared for and so had very happy childhoods. Having a baby is hard but I'm sure once it happens he won't look back! smile

MooseBeTimeForSnow Thu 22-Jan-15 05:49:14

Hey, I found out I was 17 weeks pregnant when I was 37 and had been married for 16 years. My husband still went quiet and panicked a bit.

Missymum6 Thu 22-Jan-15 05:52:28

I'm five years older than mine, he also was excited then went a bit quiet. When I spoke to him he was just panicking about money ect, that completely disappeared after the first scan. Once he saw that bubba (and ever since) he turned into daddy mode smile. You have only just found out Hun give him time, he will come round. I found out I was having my second (not planned) a few weeks ago im still panicking and he is picking out names!! Congrats by the way!! Xx

hestialou Thu 22-Jan-15 07:23:23

I think its the way men deal with things, isn't it called fire gazing? My DH went quiet after bfp two weeks ago, last night I got flowers and he was browsing online at prams, car seats etc. So just give him a bit of time. And book a holiday for your 2nd trimester? Congratulations xx

Rebecca1608 Thu 22-Jan-15 07:49:19

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and found out I was pregnant about 3-4 weeks in due to scares, We both live at home with parents. Me-24 him-33. We weren't trying but he didn't take it well at all. He said Wed have to consider all of our options and I told him for me there was only one. I was keeping my baby. He came round and then I found out it was twins. He went quiet again as "everything was overwhelming" he went distant and I began to feel nothing towards my pregnancy. He apologised for everything and a few months down the line, we're stronger than ever and very excited. Still looking for a home but have only been together 12 months so not many holidays or weekends away together in that time.

mum2benicole Thu 22-Jan-15 08:42:26

Me and my partner are south 23 years old with a 17 month old daughter and im 23 weeks with our son. I was told by doctors to have my childeren ASAP and complete the family unit before a hysterectomy but my partner wasn't ready for childeren. We have been together for almost 6 years never had a holiday we rent our home nd dont have much Joey but have always managed and our daughter wants for nothing. He agreed to us having our childeren but seemed very far away in his attitude and we didn't talk much at all but when our 1st came he was funny for a few weeks he was terrified with the whole being a dad and all that but came to and is a fab dad and partner, again with this this pregnancy hes never touched my bump which is huge he dont like talking baby's he says im smothering him and dont want to help pram shopping which I need a twin pram now so I think its more a man thing to kind of ho in a shell and hide away it makes me feel crappy and upset but its just his way I guess. I love him so much hes just sensitive bless him
Hope all hoses well and your man is OK im sure he will come round
Good luck xxx
Congratulations on baby

geekymommy Thu 22-Jan-15 18:31:51

Mine is worried about his ability to keep up with two kids.

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