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A bit confused :(

(14 Posts)
Sith Mon 12-Jan-15 09:23:57

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum smile

I was hoping I could get some advice.

I've never been a maternal person, I can honestly say I've never really had a yearning to have a baby. I've always been the person who "wasn't going to have kids" - now I'm 37 and things are getting confusing for me.

My partner really wants a child and there are times I think I could do it, other times I think I really couldn't. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a child to teach and have fun with, other times I don't.

I don't like noise, I really enjoy quiet time to myself and the prospect of childbirth/being pregnant really really scares me. The prospect of having sex for anything other than fun is also a complete turnoff for me (sorry to get so personal when I don't even know any of you)

I keep telling my partner my concerns but he keeps saying we can do it, we can work around the need for quiet, we can make pregnancy less scary by finding all about it etc

So I guess I wanted to ask all of you if any of you felt this way? Did you go into pregnancy not being 100% sure it was the right thing for you?

Thanks in advance for any help or advice smile

ChanceBeAFineThing Mon 12-Jan-15 09:50:44

No, I've always wanted a family So can't help you there.

But remember that pregnancy and a baby are very very short periods of time in your lifespan. Include in your decision the fact that babies grow up into children and teenagers and adults and all that entails too!

ChatEnOeuf Mon 12-Jan-15 09:50:55

"Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a child to teach and have fun with, other times I don't."

This doesn't necessarily change once you've got them, when they were desperately planned for and even though you love them totally smile

Only you and your husband can decide, ultimately, if you're going to try to conceive. I had my reservations about Trying - despite always presuming I'd have kids one day, it was still quite a Big Moment when we decided the time was right. I think I put it off for a few months. I was afraid I was inherently too selfish to be able to look after a pregnancy and a child. Turns out I had to start to realise this fear was nonsensical.

You can work through fear if you want to, and despite rumours to the contrary, it is possible to make peace and quiet time with kids. Mine's 3 now and at preschool as I type. It is a great opportunity to relax in peace, and I know she's happy and learning. You do value it though, it's quite rare at first.

Sex doesn't have to stop being 'conception' there's a thread called 'just shagging' - feel free to come and lurk absorb the madness while you're thinking about it grin

Bondy83 Mon 12-Jan-15 10:13:37

You feel completely different towards your own child than others on a scale you wouldn't believe. I'm the 1st to admit I don't like any other kids apart from my own in fact they annoy the life out of me. What I'm trying to say is that don't base your decision on whether to have children yourself on previous experience to other people's kids because you will feel completely different when they're your own.

HazleNutt Mon 12-Jan-15 10:33:59

I've never been maternal, didn't like anybody else's kids, never got the yearning, never actively wanted children (until we started trying). Childbirth was a scary prospect. So I understand where you're coming from. And in our case, DH was the same, so we did have quite many discussions of 'should we? shouldn't we?'

In our case it was the selfish thought of having to spend our old age alone, while everybody else is enjoying the grandkids, that did it. That sure, we have a very nice, enjoyable life right now, but what about in 30-40 years? My own parents have their friends and work etc, but it's the grandchildren that are the light of their lives.

So we did it.

Sith Tue 13-Jan-15 09:59:24

Thanks so much for the replies, it's great to hear different points of view and especially that there are other people out there who weren't necessarily maternal before having kids.

@ChatEnOeuf I'm definitely going to struggle with having fun with the conception part, so I will look up the "just shagging" thread you mentioned.

I have to admit, I am terrified of even being pregnant and giving birth sad

ClearlyOpaque Tue 13-Jan-15 10:38:50

I'm not sure how much use this will be, but here is my story.

I never wanted kids, mainly because I didn't want the responsibility of looking after another human being, but also partly because birth looking terrifying and I didn't see the point of putting myself through that. Everyone told me how much joy children bring to them, but I also knew in gratuitous detail how hard bringing up children can be (my friends used to tell me the bad bits)

Then I met my OH. From the start, he made it clear that he wanted kids. This put the whole topic in a different light for me and I started to think about how it might not be so bad. If he was so up for it, they couldn't be a completely stupid idea. After a few months, we started to plan for when to have them. Before we started trying, the thought of birth still scared me stupid, but when I had got a bit panicky about it, I just reminded myself that I might not be able to get pregnant, so it was no point worrying about it (I'm no spring chicken).

We fell pregnant at the first attempt (OMG!) and I can honestly say that since I found out, I have not been worried about the birth. For some reason, every fear and worry about the pain and things that could go wrong have just disappeared. It's like I trust that my body can deal with what ever type of birth I have....

Pregnancy itself has been a massive learning curve, but not frightening in any way.

HazleNutt Tue 13-Jan-15 10:45:12

Oh just to add - I am not telling you that you should have kids and that DS is the best thing that I ever did. Yes, I didn't think I could love anybody so much, and I'm pregnant with my second - but then again, the constant worry that something will happen to them is quite exhausting.

You can certainly have a lovely, fulfilling and interesting life without having children. Certainly a more relaxed and stress-free one.

Skeppers Tue 13-Jan-15 13:30:28

Honestly? I think that being terrified of the prospect of actually giving birth is quite a natural and normal thing. I mean, think about it! Think about what you are DOING! (actually, don't think too hard because that will deffo put you off) Pregnancy is also kind of gross. You have an ALIEN THING growing inside of you! Ew. I'm holding on to the fact that my body seems to know what to do with itself and will do when the time comes crosses fingers. How people can watch and enjoy TV shows like 'One Born Every Minute' is completely beyond me. If I want to see blood and gore I'll watch 'The Walking Dead' thankyouverymuch.

I was in exactly the same position as you. I'm 36 and man is 42. Our decision to have kids (sorry A KID- one is puh-lenty) was based on the fact that we'd regret it more if we didn't than if we did, but time was running out. Hubby was never particularly broody either. I'm 10wks now and still veering between excitement and "oh holy crap, what have I done, I've ruined my life". Like you, I've never been naturally maternal or seen children as anything other than a massive pain in the arse, but something that a colleague said to me once stuck with me about when you have a child of your own: "You'll STILL hate other people's kids and find them annoying, but you'll think your own is the best thing in the whole freakin' world". I think that if you're realistic with your expectations and don't expect to be transformed into a total fluffy, clucky earth-mother or 'yummy mummy' (boak) once you have a baby- as a huge tomboy this is one of my biggest fears- you'll be fine. You'll still be the same you, you'll just have (as my OH calls it) a 'super-pet'...hmm

Oh, and the shagging thing- we never actively 'tried'...just came off the Pill, did what we normally do, and BOOM, upduffed in 6 weeks. Was a bit of a shock tbh. Husband still strutting around like cock of the walk- literally- because of his (and again, I quote) 'super-spunks'.

Only you know your own mind. And, deep down, I think you've already made your decision. Of course it's scary, but all the best risks are worth taking.

Sith Tue 20-Jan-15 13:19:27

Thanks so much everyone, this is really helping to hear all your stories and that I'm not alone smile

confusedandemployed Tue 20-Jan-15 13:36:43

I was never maternal and had DD aged nearly 40 (conceived whilst on the pill thanks to a stomach bug...)

I won't lie to you - I found the relentlessness of babyhood very hard and completely exhausting. I would go to bed at 7pm just so I could grab a few hours while DD was quiet.

I didn't get the massive rush of love people talk about - it kind of crept up on me over a few weeks.


She is ace! She's nearly 2 now and the funniest, most remarkable little person I've ever met.

Despite it being so hard, I enjoyed parts of every stage because there are fun parts at every stage. We also worked hard to give each other a few hours' respite here and there, which made an enormous difference. You learn to value your own time so much more.

If I'm lucky enough to persuade DP to have another, I think I will try my best to remember every stage next time, rather than constantly looking ahead to what's around the corner.

geekymommy Tue 20-Jan-15 13:38:29

I was never that interested in babies before my DD was born. Now I love them. I suspect hormonal changes. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but it might.

I don't do well with pain or gore. I got an epidural, and things were fine after that. I did end up needing a C section, for reasons having nothing to do with the epidural.

sleepybee Tue 20-Jan-15 13:45:11

Hi OP! I always said I didn't want kids just because I liked having long haul holidays & disposable income, but as soon as I got married something changed, it seemed like everyone was having babies. My husband said it was my decision he was happy to have children or for it to just be us. So after 2 yrs of going back & forth. We didn't to not try/not prevent & 5 months later I was preggoshock & I was shocked, stunned, happy, sad etc when I told my husband I cried & he asked what I wanted to do & I said I want this baby, but I'm upset as I won't be able to go to on a shopping trip to NYC! Anyways we have gone ahead with pregnancy & have 3 months to go I have to say pregnancy has been horrible for me hmm so I'm hoping parenthood is better!

fattymcfatfat Tue 20-Jan-15 15:35:26

Im not much help as I have always wanted kids and am qualified nursery nurse......I like the fact that I can hand other peoples kids back at the end of the day!....but unfortunately being jobless and on baby number 3 means that I find any child that is not mine a royal pain in the arse!
I have managed to teach my ds to be considerate of others and to use his manners at all times and even my dd who is only one uses manners (shes not quite as considerate but I will let her off) I dont think being overly maternal beforehand makes much of a difference if you do decide to have a child. If you decide to have one then that child is wanted and will be loved by you. As for sex who says it cant still be fun?? If you decide to go ahead and try then just stop using contraception and let the rest happen on its own....dont even think about it! As for childbirth sorry but once pregnant you dont really have a choice but it cant be that bad if im doing it again!

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