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Due to give birth and my partner is suffering from some kind of anxiety/depression

(7 Posts)
Cullercoats88 Thu 08-Jan-15 21:11:47

Hi all- not sure if this is the correct thread but I need some advice, would love to hear from anyone who has had similar experiences!

My partner and I have been together for ten years, and I am due to give birth to our first baby any day now. Baby was planned and we were both over the moon with the news.

My partner over the years has had "dark moments" I'm no doctor so would hate to throw the word depression around, but there have been times in his life where he could see no light. It may last anything between 6-24hrs.

Recently these dark moments are becoming more frequent. Since I found out I was pregnant, we decided to set ourselves up in joint buisness, working from home, so we are financially better off, but so the three of us can be together. It seemed like the dream scenario. However 3/4 times a week he is down so low he struggles to do anything, making our daily lives both professionally and privately so difficult. I find it so hard to help him, sometimes I just want to cry other times I just want to scream at him. He says things like "there is nothing good in my life" "I have nothing to live for" and it breaks my heart. I'm about to give birth!!!

I've tried getting him to go to doctors but he won't. I can't have these moments happening when baby is here. I want to understand and support but I just don't know how. It's not a good feeling knowing that this is getting worse, as we approach what should be the happiest times of our life.

Can anyone offer any advice? Would be great to get a mans perspective too! What am I supposed to do to help?

gincamelbak Thu 08-Jan-15 21:24:13

I've been there. Pregnant with 1st child, DH told me he didn't want to be alive any more. He was suffering from anxiety and was depressed but was refusing to see the dr.

He finally went when DD was 6 months old. He had to make the decision.

It was hard, I supported him best I could and talked him down from panic attacks and reminded him that while he was feeling his he was feeling, there was reason to go on living.

It's 3 and a bit years later. He spent 2yrs on anti depressants, did a course of CBT which really helped.

He has also found a book called "at last a life" (can't remember author) and has said it really helps with anxiety.

Hope that you are ok. X

Cullercoats88 Thu 08-Jan-15 23:26:02

I agree he needs to make the decision to go to doctors by himself, others have suggested that I try make him go, I wouldn't know how to make him do anything!!

I found that book you suggested I will try mention it to other half. I love him and feel so helpless and angry with him at the same time!!

mummyneedinganswers Fri 09-Jan-15 00:49:14

I went through that with my dp. He was so down he refused to talk AT ALL.. I mean even have a civilized conversation about dinner or wat was on TV and he wouldn't speak he just looked at me and turned away. He would sit for 6-8 hours just sitting there not talking and not doing anything and I found it so hard because I couldn't help cz he would talk to me at all. I knew be was depressed as I've had it but he dealt with it in a different way which I found hard to deal with. I was scared to open my mouth in case it annoyed him it was near impossible to communicate. It got the the stage that dp overdosed on my antidepressents and he was in hospital and as hes a diabetic type one he was in a very bad way. Il never forget that night sittin in a&e and how he looked. at the end I rang his Dr and made and appoitment and told him I was going with him on the day that he had to go he tried to cancel the app and I rang his Dr and told them wat was going on and the Dr told him he was going to come out to our house if he didn'tgo in. So he had to go. He was putnon antidepressants which helped loads he was talking sleeping and functioning normally. He then came off them roughly 6 months later and hasn't need them since. He's fantastic now, he says it was a really dark period of his life where he felt like everything he did was a failure and he could get out. I knowy depression was dark but so different to his. I would speak to him or fone his gp and tell them your concern xx hope you get through this

Firstimemummy15 Fri 09-Jan-15 01:05:10

Me and my partner are also expecting any day now. He has history of depression and is on anti depressants. I met him at a very hard time in his life - he and his wife had split, they had a son, lots if debt etc. with lots of support we have got him through some dark times and he is so much better 3 years on. He does still have times where he finds things difficult, this is mainly guilt from the relationship breakup and effect it had on his son ( even though the relationship broke down ,no one to 'blame '.

Ive had the same nothing to live for feelings from him which tare me apart. I have also screamed and shouted and called him selfish in the past but found this then made him withdraw and not talk to me about his feelings. I can tell if he has not taken his medication - like tonight when I burnt tea and he started taking the mick and I just said don't start and with that his off to the bedroom like a teenager and not had his tea and I've not seen him since.

Anyway, your hubby needs to realise and want to help himself. When baby arrives it may put things in to perspective for him. I would say just be there, listen to him if he will talk to you and encourage him to help out with the business. I really feel for you and know what it's like but it's a mental illness at the end of the day and there is so much stigma around this which makes it so much harder. Xx

sianihedgehog Fri 09-Jan-15 07:57:57

I find with my depressed partner that there's no point trying to talk when things are bad, and that usually springing a conversation on him just results in him clamming up and answering everything with "I don't know". So, what I do is say to him "This is a problem, and we need to find a solution. I want to talk about it at this set time a few days in the future, and I will want to talk about the following things (ie, seeing the doctor, life changes you could make, things I can do when it is bad) and I'd like you to think about those things and be ready to talk about them then". Then I don't talk about it until the set time. When the time comes around, I get us both sat down at the table, and I make my points in an orderly way. Sometimes I use notes. We hash out a plan of attack using both of our suggestions and try it. I think not having to say anything until he's thought about it alone, and over a few days and changes of mood makes him much more able to see the decisions as his own.

Cullercoats88 Fri 09-Jan-15 08:46:10

Sian- that's such useful advice!!

Thank you all who have taken time to respond with your experiences, I so appreciate your honesty.

I truely hope he can find the strength to see the doctor himself but if it gets to it I will definitely call them myself. I think I will have a chat to him this weekend and see if I can help him make next steps!

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