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pregrancy hormones, tiredness and passive aggressiveness

(12 Posts)
comeagainforbigfudge Sun 28-Dec-14 15:18:41

Well my OH got a new computer game yesterday.
I was working night shift last night.

Kitchen needed cleaning (as does whole place but kitchen mainly)

We went out for lunch/shopping yesterday.--not organised to clean before we left which would have solved this problem before it became one-- Got home later than planned so went for my pre-work nap. Got up organised self for work and notice nothing has been washed/tidied etc. He's watching the fricking hobbits. He informs me he'll be playing computer games all night. Which is fine. It's the wknd after all. Stupidly assume he'll at least start doing dishes.

Fast forward to 8.30 this am. Come home from work (late because of scraping frosty car windows) to find nothing done. To tired to care so go to bed.

Get up this afternoon to find him playing computer games yet again and NOTHING has been done. Still tired but now annoyed.

Cue me passive aggressively clattering about washing dishes, cleaning surfaces and putting a clothes wash on.

Then go into bedroom and he comes in and asks if I want a cup of tea. no I fucking dont, although didn't swear at him

Then asks me what's wrong, which I proceed to tell him whilst trying not to cry.

He then asks what needs done.....OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE WHAT NEEDS DONE!!!!! Says me thru tears.

So now he's passive aggressively stomping about moving things.--his version of tidy--

We both can be equally untidy but I feel I need to prompt him much more than I should to get things done. And I do so much more in terms of cleaning. I know I'm being silly. But is it too much to ask that he uses his brain? He didn't even offer to help. And his excuse for that was 'that I'd already done it' eh was in there for a good 20-30mins and he didn't even ask. The kitchen is a tiny room off the living room, there's no door, he could hardly miss me.

Sorry for the long rant but needed to vent and I'm too fragile for AIBU board

Jodie1982 Sun 28-Dec-14 15:53:18

Bloody hate Computer Games!
I go to bed at 10ish, as I still have a 2yr old that wakes up sometimes, several times during the night, and he'll stay on till 2ish am, comes to bed waking me up, takes me a while to get bk to sleep because he starts snoring, then DD will start stirring, then I need another Pee, all while he's fast asleep snoring his head off! Then he expects a lie-in!! No way! He chose to stay up late, I'm growing a Human Being, have restless nights every bloody night so I'll be having the lie-in!!
I can't moan too much, as my DP tidies up, does shopping and cooking and helps with the other kiddies a lot. Maybe ask your partner to do stuff around your home before gaming for hrs?

comeagainforbigfudge Sun 28-Dec-14 16:09:15

He does do more shopping than I give him credit for, particularly just now when smells in shop make me heave.

Yes we do need to have a proper sit down chat and discuss what needs doing. And that some things need to be done before computer games.

good advice. Thank you

Jodie1982 Sun 28-Dec-14 18:56:47

I always know when DP is after a couple of hrs gaming during the day he gets the Hoover out, or washes up and makes me a cuppa lol. Hopefully he'll pull his finger out for you Hun.

WingsClipped Sun 28-Dec-14 19:46:28

I don't think the whole passive agressive thing works tbh. I TELL my DH what needs to be done. There are certain things he does every week as part of our routine that I don't need to ask him to- washing dishes after every meal, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming and cleaning the floors, taking the bins out etc. but there are other ad-hoc jobs that he simply won't see but will happily do it when told. It is annoying that I can see it and he can't but I just put it down to having higher standards.

weeblueberry Sun 28-Dec-14 22:01:57

It's not a computer game thing is a laziness thing. I'm the gamer in our house and I still manage to do the lions share of the housework (he does cooking and we split childcare evenly so it's not that I'm complaining about that). But he IS the sort of person who doesn't see things that need to be done. So rather than assume he'll see them or passively aggressively make him suffer for not picking up on them (which I admit I used to do) I just ask him outright to do them or give him an 'option' of tasks that need done.

It sounds like you need to tell him that while you understand the game is new and exciting you can't let the house go to pot because of it. I got a game a few weeks ago that I played every day but it didn't mean the cleaning didn't happen. wink

comeagainforbigfudge Mon 29-Dec-14 10:34:28

Oh that's so true weeblueberry

I fully admit I also can be quite lazy. Particularly when on a run of shifts. But once the shifts are done I blitz my wee hoose.

We really need to discuss the chores. It's partly my own fault as although we have discussed it at times, we have no set chores/or bare minimum that needs done each day.

It needs addressed. Maybe will do that tonight now I feel more rational. having slept the clock round, joys of post nightshift

Thank you for your input

Number3cometome Mon 29-Dec-14 10:42:52

Give him direct instructions or a list of what needs to be done.

When computer games are about men tend to get distracted (it's Football Manager in my house)

But if I directly tell OH what needs doing he will do it.


comeagainforbigfudge Mon 29-Dec-14 16:39:16

Number3 thank you. A list is the way forward.

Sitting writing a list of daily/weekly/monthly chores whilst watching harry potter whoops

Have checked my off duty for Jan. Off every Monday night so will propose a "let's scrub the house every Monday night" policy with the daily chores keeping it tidy.

We need to start working as a team and just now I feel it's a bit "it's your turn, not mine".

I really don't begrudge the game playing. He generally keeps it to when I'm working nights or wknd day shift. I was just far too tired to deal properly yesterday.

Tonight when he is home will be calm rational work together chat. hopefully

Number3cometome Tue 30-Dec-14 09:17:03

I hope it went well OP!

comeagainforbigfudge Tue 30-Dec-14 11:04:26

The list went down well.
We both agree we need to change our habits.

He's still not really grasping the teamwork element but one step at a time.

He even took on board that at one point he will need to take over bathroom duties completely as won't be able to do that very easily once bump gets bigger.

We'll get there.
I even dropped in a hint about reviewing our finances with an emphasis on saving. I save. He doesnt

Thank you for asking smile

weeblueberry Tue 30-Dec-14 11:06:53

Yes I hope it all went okay.

The best thing we did was to sit and discuss how I felt I was doing most of the housework but I genuinely believe him when he says he just doesn't notice the mess/it's not as important to him. I think back to how his flat looked before we moved in together and can see where he's coming from wink.

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