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has he changed his mind?!(9 Posts)
Since buying our home, my partner and I have discussed expanding our family. Until he said he had been actively thinking about it, I was unsure I could do it all again. My son is from a previous relationship, and though my partner has raised him from the age of 4/5, he has never had the experience with a baby and I was scared and worried he wouldn't want to. Well it turns out he does, very much so. Over the last few months, I have gone in to full baby mode. We decided to try, after many months of discussions about financial stability, life, personal circumstances etc.
We had one final discussion just over a month ago and he said yes, I'm ready to have a baby when you are.
Now from experience, there is no right time for a baby, but planning to fit with other family birthdays, Christmas etc, is always a nice idea, if it works, so I figured why wait. I've just been told after coming off 5 years of hormonal contraception that I am allergic to either latex or spermicide, so he suggested we use the pull out method and just see what happens. If we get pregnant, then it happens. If not then.... Well this is where I'm lost, I don't really know what he wants to do.
After he said we will use no protection, I figured that was his way of saying let's go, let's try now, but after I mentioned my ovulation was due in about 9 days, he seems to have gone... Off? He said no, he said he's fine with using no protection, but he won't commit to actually trying this month. He wants to continue using the pull out method.
I am notably excited by the idea of having a baby with him and I've been talking about it, as has he. Have I freaked him out, has he changed his mind. He says he hasn't.
I'm really upset now, I thought we were going to do this. I haven't really mentioned the idea of having a baby for 5 years as I wanted it to be his choice with out a baby crazy woman pressuring him, I mean we have both agreed over the course of our relationship, that another child is something we wanted, but we just didn't put a time on it. We both agreed we wanted to buy a home, elevate our careers, be financially stable, but weve done all that now. ....
I'm genuinely upset now. I don't know what to do. I forced my self not to assume we would take that step, I assured my self we would be slow and steady, do the things we wanted to do first, enjoy being with my son first before we choose to have another, in 5years we have never had a scare or been silly, we both wanted to make sure we thought things through, did things right. Then he gave the green light, with no prompting, only to partly revoke it when I get excited....
I think the only way you're going to get answers is to have an honest conversation with him, even though it may be a difficult one.
Maybe you freaked him out mentioning the whole ovulation things etc...its adding lots of pressure right from the beginning when he probably thought you could have abit of fun with it and see what happens!? X
I think you just need to say to him 'I thought we were trying for a baby so why do you want to pull out?' No one can read his mind. You need to speak to him.
FGS if you are considering having a baby with him your relationship should be good enough to talk honestly about it.
Could it be that he finds the biology side ovulation etc a bit 'icky'?
Maybe lots of sex with no other information is the best way for him.
It sounds like you have been very sensible baby wise so far, and I think talking to him really is the only answer.
Sometimes guys get really stressed out by the idea of actively trying because they feel like it puts a lot of pressure on them to perform and because their self image can be all tangled up with their virility, which is all tangled up with fertility. It sounds like he's up for trying pulling out, and maybe just not pulling out anymore if the time feels right, but is not up for all the stress and pressure of actually trying just yet.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to him and tell him that you want to try soon. I spent a year after I came off the pill using condoms and pulling out with my other half before we actually started trying. I did have to basically say "Look, I hate to be that woman, but it needs to be now" in the end, but that was because I'm 37 and time really is running out.
Perhaps he just doesn't want to go down the regimental route of 'must have sex because it's time' rather than for the reason of just being intimate? Perhaps he has researched or spoken to his friends who have 'tried' and been left feeling like a sperm machine in the process because it's almost been set to a rota? Without talking to him you won't know his reasons ... but I'm guessing he wants the more relaxed approach to ttc with it happening when it's going to and not forcing it!
But if he wants to pull out, it sounds like he doesn't want to TTC at all. Although he shouldn't be at all surprised if the OP gets knocked up that way - but who knows, maybe he thinks withdrawal is a reliable method.
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