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Alone and having bad thoughts

(18 Posts)
passmethechocolatechocolate Wed 24-Dec-14 18:31:58

I am a regular on pregnancy/ante-natal but need a bit more anonimity for this.

I feel so utterly, utterly alone. I was 11 weeks pg. We had split up by the time I found out. He didnt take it too well, he is 10 years older than me and has grown up kids. This 'wasn't in his life plan'. Now he has totally cut me out. Won't respond to me at all. He is a bit of a pig and the last few Christmasses he has tried to ruin with his moods so I should be celebrating he is not here. It is just me and my teenage DS. I just feel so utterly alone. Think he has probably moved on to someone else and I'm in left here with my life turned upside down. Started to think about whether I can really do this alone. I am in my forties and this was totally unexpected pregnancy, a bit of a miracle. I know I will never have the chance again. I always wanted a second but that was more when DS was younger.

I want to phone samaritans or something but obv can't with DS here as he will hear me.

Just utterly lost and feel totally deserted and let down sad

Gingerbreadlady1 Wed 24-Dec-14 18:44:32

Hi there. I think this time of year is hard for many for a variety of reasons. Can totally understand you feeling very isolated. Do you have family friends you could visit or ask to pop round?

passmethechocolatechocolate Wed 24-Dec-14 18:48:06

I have had friends and family around last couple of days until around an hour ago! I think I need to be alone and acknowledge my feelings. I am very excited about DS present opening tomorrow as I have been a bit silly and got a very special extra for him. I just try to imagine next Christmas eve being home alone with a baby a few months old. DS will no doubt be out and about with friends as he is almost at that age. I just don't know if I can do it

lisaloulou84 Wed 24-Dec-14 18:48:28

It sounds like you, your son and the new baby are well rid of him. Try and enjoy Christmas together and celebrate a new start. Are you spending it with family? All you and a baby need is love and not necessarily from the sperm donor and it sounds like this is a chance you didn't get earlier and you should focus on that. Hope you've got some RL friends and family to talk to too.

lemisscared Wed 24-Dec-14 18:48:47

you can talk to us on here we will listen. you can also email and i think text the samaritans.

you have time. get through Christmas with your lovely ds. doing whatever floats your boats abd bugger everyone else.

then when the festive madness is over condider your feelings re your pregnancy. tbh it sounds like the best xmas present your dp has given you is taking himself out of yhe equation. he sounds like a pig.

Gingerbreadlady1 Wed 24-Dec-14 18:55:16

You could also post on relationships, there are many amazing ladies there with great advice. I agree with other posters, you sound like you're well rid of the sperm donor & I bet this time next year, once you & your family are in your established routine, you'll be so much happier than you feel now.

It's no wonder you're finding it tough, a lot of big changes on top of pregnancy hormones, you are very strong to be doing as well as you have done till now!

passmethechocolatechocolate Wed 24-Dec-14 18:58:19

You're right about it being the best thing he is not here. I just think about last Christmasses to remind myself. Plus the long list of lies, lies and more lies. But it makes me cross with myself for feeling like this. And I feel annoyed that yet again even today I tried to hold out the olive branch, but nothing. And no doubt he is feeling smug as hell knowing I am not giving up. I think I am going to give myself a chrismas present of a counsellor in the new year. I absolutely cannot afford it but i think it would be one of the best things I could do

Gingerbreadlady1 Wed 24-Dec-14 19:06:17

Even if he is a shit, you must have cared deeply for him so you're absolutely allowed to grieve that loss. And don't feel bad, we've all been there, I've certainly tried to reconcile with an ex who I am so so so better off without. Thought I'd never be happy again but I am, with a great guy and pregnant! I realise now how much better off I am without him but it did take a while. You will get there too.

With everything on your plate the counsellor sounds like a great idea. I think emailing Samaritans is a good idea, plus mn is great for support.

juneavrile Wed 24-Dec-14 20:43:53

No more to add as I think what's said so far covers it. You're having a hard time, but you sound like you have your head screwed on too - which is mighty impressive.
Enjoy your Christmas day with your son and wishing you all the best for a counselled, fresh start to the new year without a partner who's a complete drain.
And you will probably find more traffic on relationship board if you fancy some more support from here.

Cherryblossom200 Wed 24-Dec-14 21:09:26

Hey there, couldn't read your post and not reply.

Here is my story, I'm late 30's dated someone for four months. Had an amazing relationship even though it was on the short side. Found out I am pregant and despite banging on and on about how he is ready to be a father when he found out I was pregnant he ran. Literally all the way to Australia. He is one big man-child. I haven't tried to win him back or hold out olive branches because I don't feel he deserves it. I am deeply hurt by what he has done and at 33 weeks pregnant Xmas isn't easy knowing the idiot is playing in the sun on his surf board. I have had to make some huge changes, including moving back home with family for a bit when she is born to get the support which has been tough. But I just concentrate on the positives. I have been given this precious gift and in the long run he will be the one who regrets this decision not me.

When I first found out I was pregant I went to the doctor and they assisted me with getting a councillor via the NHS which was free. It's been amazing! Everyone has access to this service, there is a waiting lost but because you are pregnant you get fast tracked a lot of the time. With the support or friends, family and my councillor I honestly feel now I can do this and I'm sure you can do smile it may all seem very lonely at the moment especially with Xmas etc but it WILL get better. The scales may seem balanced more in his favour right now, but they will most definitely shift in your favour once you have your little bundle of joy. And in time you will end up meeting someone who is right for you.

Good luck smile xxx

passmethechocolatechocolate Wed 24-Dec-14 22:11:54

Well I watched Michael Buble and Gary Barlow and had a good old blub over their songs (DS so engrossed in computer he didn't notice!). Then it was out with the chocolate. Hour or so later and am feeling a lot better. Bloody pg hormones. I felt so utterly wretched earlier it was awful. But feel much better now. I have a new game... find what would have annoyed ex if he had been here. DS has been very excited tonight and anytime ads came on he would do forward rolls around the living room floor. I just smiled and let him get on with it. Would have REALLy annoyed the ex and would have had to stop him! Ex would have been drunk by now and started being narky. Last Christmas Eve we went to a small party at my mum's. He was all fake sweetness there but once we got into the car he changed. HE slept on the sofa that night.. great place to wake up Christmas morning.

Cherry sounds like you have done amazing and thanks for sharing your story. ARound here NHS only seem to offer CBT which is not what I need right now but I will phone doc next week and ask for counsellor. Will you let him know once baby is born? I have first scan in about a weeks time and although he did know about it I am certainly not reminding him and if he asks to come I think I will say no.

Saraswati Thu 25-Dec-14 12:07:12

I totally agree withcherryblossom above, go to your gp asap, I got fast tracked for counselling because I'm pregnant and saw someone within a week. It was the best thing to do for my mental health.

My husband left me when I was 30 weeks pregnant, saying he didn't feel the same about me but I know he's terrified of the responsibility of a baby despite the baby being planned! I've had to move back home, he's given me no money and I'm broke. This Christmas is frankly shit, my due date is tomorrow and this is not how I imagined this Christmas turning out! However one day soon I will have my beautiful baby and I will love it a million times more than I ever loved him and he will miss out on seeing his child everyday. Have a cry when you need to and just know that you're not alone! Hope you manage a few nice moments today xxx

Cherryblossom200 Thu 25-Dec-14 12:34:28

CBT is a really good form of counselling, I had a clinical psychologist which I found really helpful. It really helped me massively.

I think the key here is to realise there are lots of women who have been in our situation, lots. I've spoken to a number of women who have been abandoned in pregnancy and they all said it was hard, however when their bundle of joy was born they all said the hurt, disappointment and sadness dissolved. Like I said long-term the father will absolutely regret this. Just focus on the future and not the past.

I time you will realise you are MUCH better without a man like that in your life. If he stayed in your life he would end up making your and your kids life hell. Instead he has made room for you to meet the right man for you!

Merry Xmas xxx

sianihedgehog Thu 25-Dec-14 23:04:38

OP, I know how you feel wanting him back even though he was a total shit. I have SO been there. But when I look back I am so happy not to have my shit of a man back. I did just the same, olive branch after olive branch, and I felt so humiliated when he rejected them, I was sure I'd be alone forever. But I'm not. I have a fabulous man a few years younger than me, and our lives are better than I could ever have imagined. It will get better without him. You will be stronger and you will be happier.
I had cbt on the NHS a few years ago and was also offered counselling. It helped me so very much. And because I was very unwell, I was assessed on the same day, and had access to emergency mental health care if I needed it while on the waiting list for 3 months. If you go to your gp I am sure they will offer help, and as you are pregnant you will be a higher priority on the waiting list. And seeing a counsellor privately is a great idea if you need help right away.
You can totally do this and you will be happy again.

passmethechocolatechocolate Fri 26-Dec-14 14:55:29

Have read through all these lovely posts again, and its very uplifting. I actually had a lovely day yesterday with DS and realised how relaxing it was not stressing about whether DP was happy or approved of what was going on etc. Am going to phone doc when open on monday and try and get some immediate help. Going to try and do that yoga pregnancy dvd too smile

Saraswati Fri 26-Dec-14 19:26:59

Glad to hear you had a good day and you're planning a visit to the doctor. Take any help they'll offer you and try and focus on some positives, sounds like you're doing that already which is great! I'm due today, no baby yet, but had a lovely day with my family and didn't think much about my husband. It does get easier with time and I hope when my baby decides to show up it'll be the best distraction and will give me a positive thing to focus on smile

passmethechocolatechocolate Sat 27-Dec-14 04:23:10

Good luck Saraswati hope baby comes soon smile

Saraswati Sat 27-Dec-14 17:12:07

Thank you, me too smile

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