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Help???

(8 Posts)
RockinMumma Sun 21-Dec-14 23:09:29

I have a two year old daughter. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken anything to do with her. I have been with my partner now for a year and three months. We were discussing having more kids the other night. My worry is that when we do eventually have another baby. That baby will call my partner dad. And will also have his second name. This worries me for my daughter because I wouldn't allow her to call my partner dad & also is she going to feel left out due to the fact the baby will have my partners surname aswell as mine. Has anyone been in this situation that can help me??

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 21-Dec-14 23:15:00

Why wouldn't you 'let' her call your partner dad if she has nothing to do with her birth father?

Whose surname does she have? If it's yours, why would another child having both surnames be a big issue?

DeckTheHoopsWithBoughsOfHolly Sun 21-Dec-14 23:20:29

I've not been in that situation, but it's really not that unusual. I come form a bilingual family and think that it would have been handy to be able to use one language for biological dad and one for stepdad. Maybe you could pick a special name for bio/vs step dad?

If you are committed enough to have a child with your new partner, why would you not trust him to treat your daughter as part of his family?

RockinMumma Mon 22-Dec-14 00:20:38

It's not that I don't trust him to be her dad, far from it. It's because I don't want my two year old thinking that is her actual dad because at what point in her life do I break her heart by telling her he isn't her real daddy? This is what's upsetting me most.��

Swanny84 Mon 22-Dec-14 03:56:00

At 2 she's likely to look at him as dad and will prob copy off baby. Don't encourage her to call him dad but if she does, you could add his real name on end? Daddy......
It's sad that as mums we worry over things like this but he must be a good man for you to be considering a baby with him, so I say just go with it. Your daughter will adapt to baby, probably won't question the name as she's only 2 so would be the norm for your family. (I have issue over name but mine are 10 & 6 so they understand. I just don't like the idea of having different name to baby-I still have exes name to be same as my kids so it's not negotiable to have "my" name)
Good luck. xxx

JennyBlueWren Mon 22-Dec-14 11:58:11

You can let her call him "dad" if she does so naturally without having to make a secret of the fact that she isn't biologically his. E.g. when you're comparing the baby to his and your family -"Baby has his daddy's nose, you have mummy's nose but your daddy's eyes" or something like that.

If you make an issue of stopping her from calling him dad then it's more likely to emphasize her otherness and cause any problems between them.

There's a difference between having something as a secret with the need for a big reveal and having it as an open and known fact. If she later on she asks about the different surnames you just say that it's because you weren't with DP when she was born or something like that.

Children will ask the questions they need to when they need to and don't need it all given to them at once or hidden from the truth.

sianihedgehog Mon 22-Dec-14 22:06:02

seconding everything JennyBlueWren said! Just talk openly about it with her and around her, and it'll never be a big issue.

blackwidow74 Mon 22-Dec-14 23:56:58

If the absent father has been absent for 2 years legally your new partner could adopt her therefore a change in surname to match everyone? Then when she is old enough to understand you have paperwork to prove her bio father had nothing to do with her ... my son knows my hubby as dad as he has been around since he was 2 ... He knows it's not biological but having shown him solicitors papers he made his mind up not to seek out my ex ... sometimes it just all works out for itself

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