To keep the baby? Pregnant with a 9MO

[SmallPlace]

Hi all

Have been lurking here since I got pregnant with DS and have found a lot of good advice... First time I'm posting... So Hi everyone!

I just found out I'm 6wk pregnant with DC2. We always said we wanted a second, but this feels too soon and am beating myself up for not being more careful... We have been lucky with the first - a smiley happy baby, super social, BUT not a great sleeper at night and we have definitely suffered from it: terrible stress induced arguments etc. I also had a PND that I'm just starting to get out of and feel connected to my baby. I have been getting a lot of help recently (DP staying at home couple of days a week to help, and granny comes once a week), so that really helped feel myself again, and the prospect of going back to work part-time in a few months made it easier to cope.

Is it crazy to put myself through another pregnancy just as we're emerging from it all? DP has been amazing and supportive and I have been a total pain a lot of the time both while pregnant and since I had the baby... He is apprehensive about going ahead with the pregnancy 2, but he also says that he will support me if I decide to keep it (although I did notice a massive relief in him when termination was mentioned). We are still talking and debating, and I'm swinging between the options, I worry that this may just be too much stress on our relationship, family and finances... Anyone else had to make this decision? anyone regretted having the baby? or regretted having an abortion? What's it like to look after two DCs 18 months apart?

[Boomtownsurprise]

Mine are 18mths apart. It's nowhere near as bad as feared. Tbh the hardest part has been one at 3 and one at 18mths as their abilities were too different.

My friend had Irish twins, born same day one year apart. She says its chaotic but fine. And they are closer in ability levels.

Don't forget you are practiced now. The stuff you were nervous of last time you have already conquered! Or are in the process of conquering...!

It's more organisation. More fun and more love. But I'm not having another ha ha

[purplemurple1]

I'm 35weeks with DC 2 and have a 16month old so will have a similar gap. We split the first yr of parental leave and I went back to work PT after a few weeks, and DC1 has been in FT nursery for the last 4 months (since turning 1yr). The plan when DC2 arives is for us both to work PT, the reason I mention this it the split of both roles has been key to us both staying sane and understanding each others gripes and moans, about work and home.
Would returing PT be an option for you after DC2 with maybe your partner working a condensed or PT week? Do you think that would help with possible PND next time?

I guess the other big thing is how hard was your last pregnancy, I was lucky with no morning sickness, extreme tiredness, although mild SPD. The second preg hsa been harder esp with a mostly crawling toddler that needs carting about. It has ment a lot of extra work for OH both childcare and general around the house things. It would be easier I'm sure if we had extra help such as a cleaner, so I'd factor in if you could afford that for a while as well.

[SmallPlace]

Thanks for the replies both. On a good day (and today is a good day) I'm sure that it'll all be fine and we'll be able to cope. On other days I want to throw up at the thought of more reflux/colic/hourly feedings...

I had awful few months at the end of the first pregnancy (swollen painful ankles, walking on crutches, was HUGE - gained almost 5 stone that I haven't completely lost yet and ended up having an emergency C-section due to pre-eclampsia) but I also now know that it all passes

I can go back to work PT, but I guess it's also the DP's wellbeing we need to worry about... He's an artist (read: self-employed/unemployed) and he's neglected his work in order to support us (we've also been living off mat money and savings, which obviously are not endless).. The plan was that he would get back to looking after his career when DS is one, but I guess that's really not an option anymore... Sorry I know this is not something you can advise on, I'm just thining aloud.

how do you organise the first few months? Do the babies wake each other up at night? How do you keep sanity when they're both teething (they're still teething at 18m no?) Did you have to use the dreaded double buggy?

[Boomtownsurprise]

Well on double buggys we bought a p&t and I hated it. Tipped over a couple times. I found our trips out were shorter and I needed to be more practical. I made dd at 2 walk and put baby in the mclaren. Hence shorter journeys. But I found she liked to scoot so sort of all worked out... Or baby at first was in a sling.

The days where it's hard.... Well don't think about it. Easier said than done. For some reason they never woke each other up. And yes it's the best feeling when teething is done but equally I found I did more things automatically so often treated the pain before I'd kind of noticed she was in pain. Because you're experienced you notice quicker which means you solve it quicker.

Nothing was as bad as I feared. I guess that's why they are fears. So reality doesn't look quite so bad!

I elcs this time. It was marvellous, rather than emcs before.

Re your partner, rather than focus on giving one career up for another, could he be a part time artist and part time something else (that pays)?

[Boomtownsurprise]

Oh and join baby groups!

[purplemurple1]

I've brought a mountain buggy with a carry cot attachment for the little one. But I live in the countryside in Sweden so snow and gravel roads make large tyres a must, and short walks hard if you want to get anywhere. My other criteria were I can get it up the steps and through the front door without collasping it. Also I drive an estate so its collasped size isn't a problem for us.

Given your partners work is soradic would it make sense for you to work PT to get a steady income and him to work around your hours? Or how would your partner feel about being the SAHP and you going back FT? (I know parental pay works diff in the UK so not sure how practical that is.) Maybe you could send the older child to nursery / childminder?

I'm hopeful on the crying, we stayed with my sister in the summer and her baby is 5 months younger so was waking for feeds, but mine didn't wake when hers cried. DS (16mnoths) is just gettin his molars but as he is a bit bigger its easier to see the problem, and I'm more liberal with the calpol than I was when he was younger.

[Cullercoats88]

You are being really sensible to think all these worries through now.

A friend of mine recently had a termination because it just wasn't right for her and her family at that time. I can see how it was best for them, I'm positive they could have made it work but she didn't want to struggle.

You and your partner have to talk it through, but don't worry about not coping because invariably you will be ok! X

[littlesupersparks]

I have 25 months between mine and the age gap was great. I think in some ways 18 months would be even better! Get the baby stage out of the way at once, they will be great playmates. My friend had 13 months between hers which seemed a little mental at the time but she went on to have a 3rd two years later :-) good luck xx

[LizzieMint]

My two eldest are 15 months apart, we were trying but never expected it to happen basically immediately.
It's hard work, especially the first year, but after that it has huge benefits. Being so close in age, they play together from a very young age, we had no rivalry because neither of them ever remembered the other not being there.
On a practical side, just don't expect too much - I was pleased if I achieved one thing a day! Lower your expectations on things like housework.
My babies were completely different from each other too - one slept through at 10 weeks, the other not till age 2, so just because you have a bad sleeper doesn't necessarily mean you'd get another one.
Mine are now 7 and 8 and still very close, it makes days out easy because they're both at a similar level/interests.

[rubyboo2]

Hi OP my gap for my boys was 2 yrs which worked well for us my boys have always been close when younger even choosing to sleep in the same bed.
I had postnatal depression the first time and was very worried that it would re-occur . My midwife kept a close eye on me but I was absolutely fine no pnd I actually got to experience the joy of being a mother . Each pregnancy and personal circumstances are different . Take your time and do what feels right for your family . x

[Fanfeckintastic]

I had a very difficult start with DD. My mother died just days after she was born, DP was unemployed, I had just bought a two bed as I wasn't planning anymore. I got pregnant just after she turned one and had a termination. I honestly felt nothing but relief and when I arrived home (to to fly from Ireland to the UK) I made a promise to myself not to let the termination be in vein, as in better my circumstances etc.

Everything really changed for me since then, I dealt with issues and insecurities I had with DD and honestly became a much better mother, got out and mixed and made new friends, did activities with her, lost a lot of weight I needed to lose, myself and DP now have better jobs/hours and I recently got the coil fitted as I want our next one to be completely planned.

Now in saying all that, I have two friends who got pregnant in far worse situations to myself (one as the result of an affair and the other while her and her DP were broken up and very financially unstable) but they both kept their DCs and everything worked out great in the long run.

It's a really tough decision but that's the hardest part, what ever happens things will work out x

[lanbro]

18 months gap here, 15mo and nearly 3 now. I don't think it's any harder than any other gap, they all present different challenges! Now, they entertain each other and generally get on very well.

[Quitelikely]

I've got to say I found a two year gap super hard let alone the one you are suggesting. IME if you found it hard this time, you are likely to next time too. Especially the first year. Yes in five years time you will look back and think it was worth it but it's the daily grind and impact upon your mental health, life and relationship what you need to consider.

A bit of a negative post from me but the truth from my perspective.

Either way good luck

[SmallPlace]

Thanks for all your messages, I'm really grateful to have different perspectives although honestly I'm not getting anywhere near the final decision... DP is quiet on the subject today, I guess he also needs space to mull it over...

Fanfeckintastic sorry to hear about your mum... My dad died when DS was 4 wks old, and I think that my PND was related to the fact that I didn't let myself grief or even deal with it, I just blanked it at the time. We always had a difficult relationship so him dying was the cherry on the cake of disfunctionality. I'm only now even recognising all this and will be starting counselling in the new year.

This is why it feels not quite right yet to bring a baby into the world and place extra burden on all of us, and doesn't feel fair on the DS or the baby... It's a big life decision and I don't think struggling or barely coping is the way to choose to live...

On other hand, I had a miscarriage before DS, so I am all too aware that a. pregnancy doesn't necessarily translate into baby and b. it's amazing when it does... I look at our gorgeous DS and the love and joy that he brings to our lives. I would hate myself if I don't get another chance.

[naty1]

Dsis has 20m gap and DC2 had slept with 1 feed already at 6w.
It would depend on my age
What gap would i want if this too small?
They are sooo much better by 18m. Most teeth are out, and now ive just got a 2nd molar at 2.6 so quite a gap.
They are walking, talking, playing by themselves a bit at least.
They dont wake each other at night, just possibly in the day.
But 1 would be with you for 6m.
I thought the person with 14m gap was crazy, 18m + is doable.
And they arent as heavy lifting in pg

[Fanfeckintastic]

That's exactly the same as me, I had a dreadfully dysfunctional relationship with my mam and had no contact with her for a few years but luckily we got her last few months together but like you say it's just too difficult to deal with the emotions of a birth and a death so close together. I pushed my grief away and tried to focus on DD but my head was a mess. I did go tobbereavement counselling eventually though and it was great.

It's a very hard and very personal decision to make, in my case, I was venomously pro choice anyway so I think that helped a lot in that I didn't have guilt that I was ending a life, I was very scientific about it. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant with DD I loved her instantly and wanted her more than anything in the world so I just don't know, I couldn't have terminated that pregnancy under any circumstances. She was and is my main priority then and I just felt that mentally above all else, I would cope a lot better with a termination. Some women with a different view on abortion would find the opposite to be true though so it really does depend.

One thing I will say I've noticed though is that some people do end up regretting abortions (a lot fewer than you would think, I believe) but I've yet to come across anyone who has regretted their decision to have a child. So if you have a lot of doubts then keep that in mind but personally it was the best choice for us.

Sorry for rambling but I know what a tough thing this is to get your head around so I'm trying to articulate myself in the best way possible but failing miserably!

[Jenny1231990]

Hello, I haven't read all the other replies but I know how you feel. I have a 6 year old, a 7month old and I'm 19 weeks pregnant.
To be honest at first I couldn't get my head around it, I couldn't get excited I felt numb and guilty for falling pregnant again so fast. My daughter was only 5 months when I found out. We tried for her for nearly 2 years with her.
The one thing I was worried about was other peoples reactions. Il be honest I've not had one bad one. Everyone Is extremely pleased for us.
My daughter is up a bit through the night too but now she is in her room she is settling into her own routine.
Things will get easier.
Big brother is over the moon, he's been amazing.
Before making any hasty decisions, go to your scan and see how you feel, that's when it dawned on me how lucky we are, our little baby on the screen, heart beating away perfectly let me see past everything and look forward.
I am now excited and can't wait to see all my babies together. There will be hard days and easier days.
I'm glad you have a supportive partner, I do too.
Family will pull you through the hard days. If you honestly can't do this, please talk it through as much as possible, I think you are stronger than you think and always welcome to message me. All my love x

[steerpike82]

Hi, I'm due my 2nd of Irish twins on Xmas day, & my son was born in February so there will be 10.5 months if all goes to plan. It's bloody hard work & some days I wonder if I've done the right thing too! Im just hoping after babs comes, my energy will return & life can get back to a semblance of normality.
Boomtown, thanks for the double pram tips, especially about P&T!

[Guyropes]

Hi, I had 2 18 months apart. It was fine. It was more demanding before the 2nd could walk and talk, but they are best friends and get along really well. I'm not experienced in pnd, so can't comment on that, but I managed with little support from my partner.

Re: your partner heaving a sigh of relief when you mentioned termination. Don't assume it means that's what he wants. He may well have been relieved that you were prepared to discuss all the options openly. He might have been worried about bringing it up.

Hmmmm... 'life decision' .... Babies are not all decisions,and just because they were planned doesn't mean they weren't a poor decision.

It's something that is happening. You can stop it happening if you want to, but you can only make that decision based on how you are right now, you can't know about the future. Try focussing on the present moment and naming the feelings you are having now. Perhaps this will help you to understand what to do.


Best if luck.

[Pregnantagain7]

I have 13 months between my last two. Dc4 is now 9 weeks old and it's been fine some days are a bit tough but overall it's been good. Only you can make the decision that is right for you and your family don't feel guilty think of what's best for you.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

Well, if you only intend to have 2 DC ever, 18 months is as good a gap as any really, all sizes of age gap have pros and cons. At least you'll get it over and done with. My two are almost 4 years apart, which means ages out of the workplace so hard to get back, and dear lord! the fights...

[Queenofknickers]

I'm you but 10 years on iyswim! There's 18 months between my DSs and DS2 was a total shock! Now they are 9 and nearly 11 and we have survived! Not only that but there are lots of plus points - they both like the same kind of thing, they play together and fight but ignore that and have been there to support each other at tricky times like changing schools. Yes, you'll be tired, yes, you can't be precious about your house but you can do it and be very happy xxx

[SmallPlace]

Thanks for all replies everyone. And sorry I went quiet. Happy new year!

So after weeks of agonising we decided to go for it and have the baby. Now that the decision is made I'm actually really excited about the little one.

steerpike I guess you must have had your baby by now, hope it all went well.

Right. I'm sure you'll be seeing me again asking for yet more advice. Eeek! Nine weeks in a couple of days, at least the first trimester is flying fast.

[berrypicking]

so pleased to hear that & you have made a decision you are both happy with. I have an almost 1 year old and I am 14 weeks pregnant with dc2 so will be 18 months apart too. We are super excited and also a little nervous but I think it will be great to have two close in age so they can play together and be kind of into the same kind of toys. You will be fine x

[MrBisinbother]

My 2 youngest ladies have 15 months between them. They are the best of friends and do everything together.They have similar interests and clothes can be passed down.